I always tried to be a real person. A person that is honest, not “ you look bad today and I hate you” kind of honest, no. A sincere kind of honest. Someone that can admit she is not perfect and can own up to weaknesses and mistakes. Someone that is, well not fake, that will tell you what they think and feel and will not bullshit around.
I did not only try to be that kind of person, I saw myself as that kind of person. That kind that is honest to themselves and others. And it was today, that I realized that I am a phony, a fraud, a hypocrite. Not only do I lie to others, but I also lie to myself and I think this is even worse.
For example, I act open and honest, I tell people funny and embarrassing story's about myself. I create this personage of someone relatable and a funny disaster. But I don't tell them what is keeping me up at night, what makes me cry when I am alone. I don't really talk about me, my strengths, my abilities, and achievements I laugh me down to a joke. Instead of talking about things I do, I laugh at them. I keep the real stuff, the important stuff to myself and I let it eat me up little by little.
I cheer people on, sincerely. I tell them they look awsome, how good they are at something and that they should not doubt themselves because they are amazing and perfect the way they are. And I mean those things I say about other people. But I also 100% mean the things I think about me. I constantly put myself down, I am my biggest critic and I judge everything about me. People call me sometimes a little sunshine because I am positive and hopeful. But when it comes to me I am like a big pessimistic rainy cloud.
I give people advice I think is right and truly believe in. I tell people to follow their heart and their dreams. To do what they love, despite fear, conventions and society. Saying that college isn't everything and there are other routes one can take. I preach that in relationships communication is key. And most importantly to be honest to yourself and to face problems and not to run away from them. And then there is me exactly not following my pieces of advice. Applying to college for something I honestly don't care about, because I am scared to do what I really want to. Not communicating and ruining my relationship by not facing the problem and running away. And I know that I should live and act by my advice but I just don't, instead I just slowly destroy my life.
By trying being open and honest I am showing just a facade, a construct made by me, just like everyone else. Yes maybe it is different than the ones from the other people, but in the end, it is just another facade. It is not true and in contrast to many other people who know they are bs-ing, I believed in it. And to realize you are just another fake person in a world full of fake people hurts because you realize you are just living a lie, like everyone else too.
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