dissociation diary

wip discussion for my system thoughts

[lamentinglabyrinth]

🍔 * host - runs this shitshow, blurs in and out has memory issues, typical "core" stuff

🔨 * frank, manages the shit show to the best of his ability, someone give this guy something to drink

🍖 * sami/"hum", old friend used to be more of a dick, likes to be annoying and chaos seeker

🎒 * rory, quiet guy that usually is with hum theyre attached to the hip

🌺 * ollie, used to be the little, hes more of the middle child now, in his tumblrina flower crown era pray for him we support him

☀️ * jimmy/joey, sweetheart, giggly and warm with people voted most "normal and well adjusted"

🍬 * poppy shes the baby, likes color therapy, difficult to connect with the rest since she is the youngest and feels shy to participate

🌪️ * Thunderhead impartial, detached "robo" fictive. takes on more of an observer role in the background

🫖 * kathy motherly ish fae lady, usually hangs out with dee, has been caring for poppy recently

🎬 * dee/dahlie another long time friend, agesliding dork into film and was frontlocked throughout one of the bodys more traumatic periods in the last decade

-> 🥄* quin(?)/bro split off of dee and has a difficult time adjusting since after Dee frontlocked. Kinda a copy of a guy in an ex partner system. Substance use disorder.

🥩 * cal, nonhuman dickhead host adores dearly, no one else is particularly attached to him or understands why

🚰 * waterbottle, yeah thats his name, hes actually a robot piece. values friendship and learning to care about people close to him.

💛💚 * ricki!! any prns meow :3

[lamentinglabyrinth]

🔨 driving me to tears at work post new job rejection with the line "Well, I'd hire you on as assistant manager immediately, and not because you're like a son to me." After i said something like, "I'd clean the motel you run at this point, and I'd do an amazing job. It'd be so easy."

Im so sad but his words were nice. I'm a licensed CNA now...

I might as well get my 20/20 going right now ugh only i know what this means

[lamentinglabyrinth]

Just remembered how i spent yesterday doing a long talk with 🔨 cause he asked me all about the timeline of my life so i gave him The Lore Rundown.

Now I, 🍔, am wondering if he sees me differently or pities me or something for it lmao

Even though he literally asked because I guess he never got the full scoop.

But now hes like, ah yes. That makes sense for a lot of Who Else is around here.

I even told him about the first dream I remembered. The one with 🥩 when I was about 5 and sick on the couch and stuff. I know which one I'm talking about, it's too abstract and sentimental to make much sense here but yeah. Weird. I feel vulnerable in a way I'm like eww. I hate when I get like that, it's kind of terrifying and the last few in person therapists I've had were Not Encouraging or like Supportive and it's like. Why am I Better off doing this alone when I need help?

I knew I wasn't doing well during those periods but I wasn't allowed to feel justified in whatever was unresolved because I have all these markers of seeming functional...

It doesn't mean I am but I at least appear that way and clearly that's good enough.

[paperandpencilsandskips]

when a cloth mutual sees your wire post

[lamentinglabyrinth]

Sometimes the days are real rough and then when you're zoning out so bad you barely register your body, you look down and half your work is done and you had a conversation with a voice in your head that you didn't opt into but is still kind of nice to have around

[motoyuuri]

cultivate bird-forward language. "Im so happy!" -> "im so harpy". Now you are a bird also

[lydiogames]

[lydiogames]

this reply made me laugh harder than any reply I think I've ever gotten

[gradienty]

Mulberry Wood Teal Blue (#590746 to #034f62)

[subjectnamemissing]

Ultimately, I do feel a deep sense of envy for catpeople since English is so ripe for cat pun abuse

[seren-starlight]

This is of course a pawsitive thing

[black-salt-cage]

ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ♡‧₊˚

[anukfilli]

i was trying to make a meme but i fucked up the audio layering and

[kira-serialfaggot]

Listening to happy music to get through the disassociative episode

[lamentinglabyrinth]

🔨 relating to a comfort character of mine the more he passively sees them,

[lamentinglabyrinth]

journaling doesn't help, i already did this whole Thing;

-sluethed out the deal

-found what i needed to

-decided to psychologically torment my already suffering abuser

-wrote out the feeling sitting on my chest

-focused on my actual goals and ambitions for a healthy life and balance

I just saw someone that looked like her and i spiraled. I fucking found her and I got addicted to making her feel like shit. I want her to lose her mind. It's not healthy and I'm losing sleep and it does make me tired but I also get addicted to the feeling, I remember what could have been, I remember what happened and I hate her and I just get so blurry but I can't listen to anything my own thoughts are too loud to care about the radio signal or someone tapping my shoulder so to speak.

I don't want to hear it 🔨, you were not around for it yet. You came way late and I don't think I could explain it to him. I get so choked up. All the words stop in my throat and even internally the way i talk. It just doesn't.

🎬 has only popped around every so often and it makes me so sad like he doesn't ever want to talk to me. That time was hard. He was there through everything. He has a lot of my more fuzzy memories of the events of 2016-2017. I can't even recall if the time period is right.

I think I lost nearly a year and was steadfast in taking the reigns afterwards. I just couldn't be around much after.

I need him. He's the only person that can understand how it felt. What it was like. I miss you 🎬 come back to me. Help me find my sanity again.

[simonn0el]

I Hope The Guilt Eats You Alive

[m-o-r-t-i-s]

[lamentinglabyrinth]

[movie-gifs]

Uptown Girls (2003) dr. Boaz Yakin