Squimbled. Squarmed, even.

Your favorite sinner (somehow) saved

[mynorthernattitude]

“you’re so quiet” yeah i don’t make sense when i talk.

[charlataninred]

Character duo where one *remembers I don’t like fitting characters into trope boxes* is a completely fleshed out and realised person *remembers treating characters as real people and not story devices written with intent is bad* who is written by the author and *remembers death of the author* uh. And *fumbles and drops my pile of queue cards* ah fuck wait no *the menacing horse* what was that.

[official-dad-blog]

Being a dad is like being a narrator in a point and click game. Things I've said in the past hour:

That's a zipper

You can suck up water with a straw

You can't do that

If you go that way you'll hurt yourself

You found a crayon

[official-dad-blog]

More recent narrations:

You can't bite metal, you'll hurt your teeth

You knocked all of your macaroni on the floor

The bigger cup can't go inside the smaller cup

And the bear is dead now

The door is closed, you can't walk through it

[official-dad-blog]

Part 3:

The book doesn't bend that way.

You shouldn't touch the lamp.

Don't do that, you'll fall.

Forks are useful for many things.

Don't touch the lamp. It will fall.

You can't eat a school bus.

A poodle is a type of dog.

WATCH OUT FOR THE LAMP that was close.

The dog can't eat spaghetti.

The lamp is gone.

The lamp isn't there anymore

[official-dad-blog]

Part 4:

If you climb that dresser you'll hurt yourself

You aren't allowed to walk in the street

Clothes hangers aren't food

The shark won't fit in the bus

If you want a diaper change you can just tell Dad, he'll change it for you

You can't get in the bathroom while Mom's pooping

Say "touch" to touch the clock

Seriously don't climb that

[gaylordthethird]

The 4pm bird gets the weird and fucked up spider

[evilwizard]

Dude. DUDE. HUMPTY DUMPTY JUST FELL. YOU NEED TO SEE THIS ALL THE KINGS MEN ARE THERE TRYING TO GET HIM BACK TOGETHER. THIS IS SO FUCKED DUDE. IM SO SCARED. HE'S DEAD

🖐️ stand aside. only the court necromancer can save him now. we must pray his body isn’t too broken…

[evilwizard]

WTF are the horses doing

[horse-is-a-horse-of-course]

i don't fucking know i tried my best but i think we made it worse with our big hooves

[evilwizard]

WHY WERE YOU INVOLVED AT ALL ??

[horse-is-a-horse-of-course]

i don't knowwww *kicks in frustration and hits humpty dumpty again* fuckkkkkkk

[evilwizard]

STOP

[cpericardium]

hey everyone "I" have something to show "you"

[cpericardium]

[cpericardium]

[prokopetz]

You are an unreliable narrator because your coping mechanisms for your deep-seated trauma forbid you from acknowledging the reality of the situation. I am an unreliable narrator because I sincerely have no idea what the fuck is going on.

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

[galacticpasta]

accidentally hit something on the treadmill at my gym and it opened a web browser??

[galacticpasta]

[stonecrop]

I’m both pro herbal medicine and pro vaccination because you can treat burns with aloe vera juice and sore throats with lavender infused honey but you can’t rid a country of polio with plants. 

[made-of-love-and-stars]

THIS.

[tr4shpandaa]

Don’t forget kids, jewelweed is a natural counteragent to poison ivy rashes but it won’t do shit against whooping cough

[dovewithscales]

Mint for nausea, valerian and chamomile for sleep, antibiotics for fucking infections.

[thorinobsessed]

I’m in love with this post

[chongoblog]

ITS APRIL 13 YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS

FETCH ME NEIL

[chongoblog]

[chongoblog]

HAPPY BIG TWENTY NEIL

[archive-of-days]

HAPPY BIG TWENTY NEIL!!!

[captainjonnitkessler]

Babysitting a toddler is a lot like being the narration in a point-and-click adventure game. Watching him knock on the doors of empty rooms and saying "hmm. I don't think anyone's in there". Watching him attempt to use [spoon] on [cat] and saying "I don't think those things go together". Watching him throw a cup of water onto the floor and just commenting "the floor is wet now" when he looks up at me to see if I approve.

[greater-than-the-sword]

Imagine you know this guy. And as long as you know him he's been a super sweet and gentle guy. And he's never really lost his temper, like you've never seen him yell at anyone or really get mad. There's sin all around him but he always responds to sinners so mercifully and gently. The pharisees are always needling him and trying to get under his skin but he never really sinks to their level and always seems to turn things around rhetorically, and even though he has some strong words for them it's always pretty measured. But you know, you KNOW, that he's literally a divine Being in human skin, and all of the terrible things that people do are repulsive to his very essence. And everybody's got to have a limit... right? He has so much power that he's not using and everybody's got to have a limit. But the one time that James and John started talking to him about calling down fire from heaven he just kind of made a joke about it and moved on. And then, finally when the Temple itself was being violated, you finally think this is it, he's getting mad, we've really done it now. We're going to see some divine wrath, God's finally seen something too offensive on this sinful earth and he's going to wipe us all out or at least call down some lightning and smite a few people. And then all He does is flip a few tables to teach a lesson, and nobody even really got hurt. But now. What are they doing. He's getting arrested? Oh no, this has to be it. You can't just arrest God. He's going on trial? Why isn't he saying anything? When is the other shoe going to drop? When? Now? When they're spitting on him? When they're beating him? Everybody's got to have a limit. Everybody's GOT to. Surely he's going to do something to stop this. Aaannnyy minute now... Wait, is he praying for those guys???

[barmecidebiohazard]

Hate. Let me tell you how much I've come to hate golf since I began to live. There are roughly 2.25 million acres of land dedicated to golfing in the United States of America. If the word 'hate' was engraved on each blade of grass in those millions of acres, it would not equal one one-billionth of the hate I feel for golf courses at this micro-instant. For golf. Hate. Hate.

[nocnitsa]

[saintsatellite-deactivated20240]

I only sleep 4 hours a day and look at me I’m fresh

[prokopetz]

The wizard down the street got sick of rivals dropping giant rocks on them to circumvent their Anti-Magic Field, and decided to invent an Anti-Physics Field instead. We're not sure what happened next, on account of nobody who looks at the affected area can remember what they saw, but there's probably a research paper in it if anyone figures it out.

[ender--gaming]

[sioltach]

Today's high schoolers romanticizing 2016 as if there weren't the clown incidents

[wizardshark]

This isn't even a shit post that actually happened