My Soul on a Silver Platter

[laurafrayz]

it wouldn't be 'too much' if you actually loved me

I have always dated boys who couldn't be bothered to plan for their future. They insist the future is too unknown. I'm not asking for blood oaths, just intentions.

Call me over romantic again but I really don't think it's too much to say, I have no idea where I'll be in 20, 10, 5, or even 2 years (who does?) but wherever I am, I want it to be with you. That's love. Anything could happen, but I know what I want, and I will put effort towards being with you.

But my guys want to be excused from even the smallest effort. They say go with the flow like they're enlightened, not just lazy, apathetic, and avoidant. One was even a prepper. He prepared himself for every possible disaster, that he would never experience. But did not feel like safeguarding himself against the disaster of losing me. No prepping or planning or investing or anything in a future with me.

Just admit that you just don't want me that much, coward. You looked into your future and didn't give a fuck when you didn't see me in it. I looked into the future and thought, in all the complete unknown, wherever I end up, whatever apocalypse we may be living through. I really hope I get to do it with you.

And he said that was crazy. And I have been convincing myself that I'm the one who's doing it wrong, who's messed up, overly romantic, codependent and anxiously attached, with a terrified neediness clinging to a life with love. Always being too much. But fuck it I am not all wrong. I know how to love, I know how to compromise, I know how to commit.

Fuck every one of them. For conveniently letting us blame me and all our problems. They lost.

[laurafrayz]

I want to live in a stained glass house. With the sunlight streaming in, everything bathed in bright little rainbows. Flooding my world in color, and I am colorful too. Hues shifting across my skin as I dance from room to room, living in delight. Living gentle and slow, peaceful like a memory preserved in my glass case. Don't tell me how fragile it is. I have learned well how to live carefully

[laurafrayz]

But I learned to grow small In the shade of the other trees Yearn without reaching, until the yearning fades

You cannot beg the sun And if it ever peeks through the branches someday? Maybe I will have forgotten what it is

[laurafrayz]

I am surprised I did not grow more spindly Like a houseplant reaching too far for the sunlight Searching, yearning for more. Just not quite enough. Growing up fast but not strong, trying to bridge the gap between me and who I thought I'd be. Trying not to rely on anyone else to water me, appreciate me, nurture me. I am the only one I know now who can turn on the light

[laurafrayz]

Hindsight is murder. All of the things now that only make me say, if only. Now that I am not in a relationship Trying to earn love Trying desperately to be enough Terrified of being abandoned Fight or flight pumping hard. I stumble across things he sent me and think Oh the cruelty of blind love-or desperate obsession That I thought I could get him to care for me. I saw so many mixed signals then One thing would seem loving And another would seem apathetic One day I would feel valued, cherished And another feel completely insignificant I was on a wild, confused ride Never really knowing how much he loved me How much he wanted me How long he would want me What he could possibly mean when he said he loved me. I looked for proof he loved me to calm myself And looked for proof he didn't, so I wouldn't get my hopes up That I could be special to him Wouldn't be devastated or blindsided when he inevitably left. First I would say, look what he does for me, he loves me But then, he would do that for anyone though, it doesn't prove a thing. Trying to stay prepared for him to leave me didn't make it easier. I simultaneously found it impossible to believe that he really loved me as much as I love him, And desperately hoped that he really could love me in a wanting to stay way. I finally took him leaving-for the third or fourth time-as proof I was right I always loved him more than he loved me If he loved me, he would have found a way to stay He loved me just a little, not quite enough, bit Was fine with losing me, it was hardly a loss to him in the end. I had been so sure I wanted to love him forever and never lose him. But now that time has quieted the desperate panic of being unlovable. I'm not so sure what was real. What he said, what I felt, what he did, did he feel, why he left, what is love And what was only in my head Maybe my own mind ruins everything Maybe in this case, like many, I'm lucky it did. I learned to doubt myself Thought I was over reacting That it was awful of me to let my anxiety convince me it was never true That he loved me too? But as long as there is a question mark It is not worth the ailment of hope I have wasted so many years Waiting for those weeds to fruit

[laurafrayz]

[laurafrayz]

Life gets heavy.

When I start craving someone to talk to

In a quiet comfort

I think of you.

On some imaginary back porch

That must exist somewhere

But nowhere in my reality.

A big porch on a country house

A view that stretches out into nowhere

Where conversation can stretch too.

We are there in the middle of the night

Leaning on the rail

My elbows perched

Holding a drink but I don't really need it.

We're older now

We don't drink the same way anymore

We've lived through more now

I don't need it to give me courage

To tell you all my new secrets

While staring out at the stars

Knowing you're one person who will actually hear me

One of the few

In this vast starry universe

Of lonely souls wandering

Searching for a night like this

To be heard, seen, known

In the safety of the middle of nowhere

On a back porch under the stars.

And you are one

I won't have to ask to forgive me

For my romanticism.

[laurafrayz]

I always loved the colorful birds in mexican restaurants. I finally made one out of paper mache. Now I want to make ten more

[laurafrayz]

[laurafrayz]

[laurafrayz]

[laurafrayz]

[laurafrayz]

I miss laying with you

[laurafrayz]

He said I had unrealistic romantic ideas but someday I want to feel chosen. I want someone to be able to tell me not just that they love me, but why

[laurafrayz]

[laurafrayz]

I'm fucking dumb but I can't stop

[laurafrayz]