The first time my ex boyfriend laid hands on me i was 15, he was 18, and we were 8 months into our relationship. We were in his car and having a fight (about what i cant remember) and i was crying and staring into my lap. He yelled a few times 'look at me when im talking to you' and when i didn't he reached over, grabbed my face and held it so i couldnt move while he screamed at me. It wasnt until the next day I realized he had been squeezing so tight i had fingerprint bruises on my chin. Being 15, scared, and convinced I was in love, i simply shrugged it off as 'he didnt mean to', covered it up with some makeup and neither of us ever spoke of it. I continued this pattern of 'he didnt mean to' and shrugging it off for quite some time after that. The abuse got worse, and worse. Black eyes, bloody nose, busted lips.. etc. Then started the verbal and emotional absuse. I must have been called worthless and stupid at least 50 times a day. I felt brainwashed into thinking i couldnt survive without him. No matter how many times he would get black out drunk and beat me black and blue, when he woke up the next day and saw what he had done and cried and apologized i would always say it was fine, that i started it, i know he didnt mean to hurt me, or another one of the million excuses i made for him. He isolated me. I lived in a house with him and 4 other roommates at the time, but wasnt allowed to speak to any of them. I was told to stay in the room all day while he worked 'or else' so thats what i did. I didnt see my family or friends for almost 10 months at one point. The last year and half that we were together (total 3 years together) is when it became sexual abuse as well. It started out by him manipulating me into sex, yelling at me or guilting me into it when i wasnt in the mood. Until i finally started to try stick up for myself and really say no, then he would just go into a rage and take what he wanted. No matter how many times i yelled, cried, said no, or voiced how much pain i was in. He simply didn't care. I honestly cant even count the number of times he beat or assaulted me. It was an extremely dark part of my life and im still recovering from the trauma. Its effected me in ways I never thought it would. I didnt share my story for a very long. The first time i tried i was met with 'how can your boyfriend rape you?' and was filled with so much shame i didnt speak of it again for at least a year. Now a few close friends and family know and have helped me and been supportive which im so greatful for. Finally getting the strength to leave and discover my self worth is the best thing to ever happen to me, and even though im left with thousands of scars from what I went through, i think it made me a lot stronger. And i will continue to grow and heal for a very long time.
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