ruthless

let me shoot you 📸🍀

[thepersonalquotes]

[thepersonalquotes]

[laurenruth13]

12.18.18

I’m very much a perfectionist when it comes to things I care about. Today is one of those days where it isn’t a good thing.

At my job, I make food for a bunch of people. I’m the PM cook, so I’m in charge of making the supper time meal. We recently switched to our winter menus so I’m back to learning a bunch of new meals I’ve never made before. Now, let me lay this out for you: I don’t cook. I DO NOT COOK. I don’t know how. I’m learning, but it’s hard when no one will actually teach you and they just expect you to know what you’re doing. Sure, I could just wing it and whatever happens, happens. But the perfectionist in me that cares waay too much refuses to do anything less than a great meal and it’s really fucking hard. I have these people telling me, “oh, just do this.” And “this” literally just leaves me with a million questions and in tears.

This is how I got here: locked in the bathroom at my work, sobbing. I’m trying to get through this day but I just can’t seem to do anything right. If I could just disappear into thin air I think that’s about the only thing that could make it better at his point. I just want to disappear.

[laurenruth13]

11.25.18

Tonight it was, “Lauren Ruth, you’re a celebrity!” and I don’t know what to say because the last thing I feel is like I’m important to anyone.

It made me smile, but it also made me notice this hole in my chest that I totally forgot was even there.

I didn’t take photos tonight. I brought my camera but I left it in my car and I told anyone who asked that I had left it at home. There was one single moment tonight that I thought, “what if I had my camera?” and I answered myself with silence. Who needs a camera? Do these people know me because of my camera? Where did my passion go? I used to care so much. It used to be a necessity and now.. I don’t even want it anymore.

[laurenruth13]

11.23.18

I want to be irresponsible. I want to make a mess and not clean up. I want to call in to work. I want to get drunk and not have to explain it later. I want to paint my nails black and not be called emo. I want to get a tattoo and have it be just for me, no questions. I want to dye my hair crazy colors and not be ridiculed for it. I want to be me and not be called “different” or “weird.” I want to be weird.

I want to be honest. I want to be faithful. I want to be kind. I want to be strong. I want to be loyal and true and I want to be beautiful and I want to be unique. I want to be loved and wanted. I want to be wanted.

I want equality. I want peace. I want understanding. I want healing. I want love and I want kindness. I want positivity. I want happiness. I want admiration. I want reason. I want you to know how important you are. I want to be important.

[laurenruth13]

10.14.18

I’ve been trying to write because it’s better than keeping it all inside, but how do I publicly acknowledge that I’m bitter and I’m tired and that I want to give up?

Tonight, I saw my old self in someone else.. and at first I was annoyed, and then I felt anger. But then I tried to back up and analyze myself and why I was feeling so negative about the whole thing and I realized that that used to be me. I used to be happy and I used to be passionate and I’m really starting to be afraid that I’m never going to get that back. Maybe I’m just too far gone.

[laurenruth13]

09.23.18

Today I took a walk, and I saw a dragonfly. That dragonfly signifies my grandfather that we lost a year ago. That dragonfly reminded me that nature is so damn important and I need to spend more time in it.

I took a deep breath and felt calm. I wish that everyone was able to do the same. I think it would make the world a better place. It made me feel a certain peace that just can’t be duplicated. Like I could lie down in the grass and just be part of the planet with not a single care.

Maybe in the future I will remember this when I’m in a bad place. So I can find that peace to replace my heartache and anger and loneliness. I hope so.

[collinear]

Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009) dir. Wes Anderson

[laurenruth13]

09.22.18

I had this moment tonight that I felt like I needed to put down on paper (or type out on tumblr). So here goes.

When you’re watching a live band and you get this feeling of complete adoration but also just happiness. And you just smile this big stupid smile because you’ve watched this band grow up into something absolutely amazing.

October Rage made me smile so much tonight. I forgot how much I adore them but the moment they proclaimed my hometown to be “home” for them as well, I just about lost it. I love these people.

[laurenruth13]

09.15.18

Heartbreak hurts, sure. But the feeling of constant disappointment? Man, where do I even start?

I know I set myself up for it. I know my head isn’t in the right place and I give myself unrealistic expectations. I try to be kind and I try to be understanding and I believe that makes me vulnerable. I believe that I put myself in a position that people take advantage of and when it turns out to be something real, they run for the hills.

But I’m just so goddamn tired of being back up. Being a friend. Being Just Lauren. I want to be someone that brightens his day. Someone that makes him smile without hesitation. Someone that comes in first place because second was never an option.

I’m so tired of not feeling pretty enough or talented enough or useful. I’m tired of only being good enough to be a friend. I’m sick of only being good enough for a night. I’m damn tired of being passed up because I respect myself. I’m so tired of being afraid to try because all I ever get is disappointment.

[nail-in-the-wall]

“We burn for people who don’t even feel for us. That is a disastrous way to learn to love.”

- nail-in-the-wall

[broad-city]

[laurenruth13]

09.11.18

I just had this dream and I don’t wanna forget it so I’m gonna leave it here.

Chris was driving and we had one other person in the car who I can’t remember now. But Moon and the Shadows started to come on (courtesy of my alarm tone) so I told him to pull over because I needed to dance. He did.. and we full on danced the shit out of that song, and I woke up with a smile on my face.

I never remember my dreams so it’s nice that I finally have a good one that stuck around instead of a nightmare.

[laurenruth13]

09.10.18

It’s been forty one days since I’ve seen live music (not counting an impromptu three song acoustic set that took the place of a cancelled festival that I’d been looking forward to for months in advance). It’s been seventy nine days since I’ve followed my passion. The next time you want to ask me how I am, I’m still going to tell you fine. And it’s still going to be a lie.

[thepersonalquotes]

[laurenruth13]

09.08.18

The clock on the wall makes too much noise. I’m trapped in my head again and I decided to put it into words this time.

I think that everyone pretends to care because it’s what you’re supposed to do. Someone dies and you’re required to react to it. What if I don’t react? What if I just feel hollow inside? What if I don’t feel a damn thing? What if I relate? What if it was me? Why do I feel like it would be you that doesn’t care? I don’t think that anyone really cares. I have this weight inside of me. It’s the heaviest thing I’ve ever held and I can feel it holding me here. I can feel myself sinking. What happens when I don’t come up for air? Every day just gets harder and I have this horrible gut feeling that it’s not going to get better. It’s hard to ignore a feeling like this, that I’m going to miserable for the rest of my life. It’s hard being so tired that I never want to wake up.

[laurenruth13]

A couple of weeks ago, Artifas reached out to me about doing their photos again, and of course I couldn’t say no. I made the trip to Tennessee this week and I was reminded all over again why I love these people so damn much.. They support me and encourage me and believe in me when I don’t even believe in myself. I’ve never felt more at home than when I’m around them. I appreciate that so damn much. These smiles remind me to smile. I can’t wait to dig into these photos and get them edited.