SAD GIRL

No aesthetic, just too many feelings.

[lawbear]

19APR18

You walked in and I felt it immediately. Nine months It’s taken nine months to see one. And of course it comes two weeks after the announcement.

You didn’t see me. Why would you? You weren’t looking for me. Particularly in this place. You had no reason to believe I’d ever be there.

My heart sunk. I looked at her. She laughed. I put my head in my hands and sighed. I walked outside to smoke because I couldn’t do anything else.

I pulled the cigarette to my lips. I smoked them because of you. At least that brand. My hand shook. I pulled the water to my lips (another nervous tic). That hand also shook.

Not long after that you walked out. I can’t even call it that. It’s a saunter. It’s the same way you’ve always walked. Long and slow to follow your long, thin limbs. You saw her first. You looked at me. “Hey” in the most awkward and uncomfortable voice I could possibly muster. A weird smile and an eyebrow raise. I looked at her. You vanished.

You showed up once more. We were at the corner of the bar. You walked with determination right towards us. You only looked at her. You wouldn’t look at me. You did something weird with your hands, turned around and walked right back out.

I watched you and watched for you the entire rest of the night.

Until he showed up and took me on an adventure.

He is sad, I think, in the same way that I am sad. It’s comforting. 

I don’t know how real any of it is. Sometimes I catch him staring at me. It feels warm. He’ll say things like “ you need much sleep” or “text me when you’re home safe” or “at times, yes” when I tell him he’s a worrier. 

I get lost with him. I forget everything. I forget which shoe goes on which foot. I forget my age. I forget that I am sad. I forget my job. I forget my present situation. It’s just laughing. It’s just him.

 - find me

[lawbear]

7MAR18

Maybe writing these things helps. Or maybe it makes me crazier. Who knows. Either way, this is one that’s burned into my conscious and unconscious mind. As usual, a song brought this one on again, “SGL” (Shotgun Lover). This will make more sense in a moment. 

You always hurt me. Either you said terrible things to me, or you ripped my heart out. But there were other moments You were sweet. You were sad. Like me. I knew that you were dangerous. I knew that you would fuck me up. I mean, jesus christ, so many people told me. I knew every time. But every time I’d run back to you. Those rare, sweet, simple moments were so much louder than the pain. 

This particular night there were no details. I know that I was sad. But I was always sad, so that’s not terribly helpful. I think maybe I’d come to terms with our eventual outcome.

My heart always raced when I moved toward you. It’s no wonder I was constantly vomiting. It was in the middle of the night, per usual. I was probably fucked up, per usual. I could hear your car. The headlights were off, at the edge of the driveway passed the gate. Your blue two-door Honda Accord. I sat in the passenger seat (see). We probably talked (we probably got high). I think I had a CD in your CD player. It had to have been on. I crawled over the center console and onto you. We kissed. I melted. A song came on, “Three Cheers for Five Years.” I felt that song in my bones. It made me feel so heavily (it’s in my ear now and it makes me ache, still). I stopped what I was doing and sang it to you. I wanted you to know what that song did. I wanted you to understand that you were the reason I felt that song so deeply. I wanted to be with you forever (but we both knew that’d never happen). I wanted the snow to crush us in that car. I think I would have been content to die in that car on top of you. You told me to stop and kissed me again.

What can I say? I was young and undone.

[lawbear]

13FEB18

I thought I saw you yesterday in the parking lot of the gym I think I parked right next to you. I backed into my spot, like I do everyday. Fumbled around for my headphones. Searched for my current obsession. This one happens to make me think of those days. But the happy parts of those days. The parts I tend to exaggerate.

Anyway, if it was you, which, who knows these days, you hid your face from mine. Dramatic head tilt while you looked at your phone (I am a frequent user of this tactic). As if I couldn’t recognize you, your heart, your presence.

It’s almost like everything in me searches for that. My heart, my soul, my spirit, my being. I don’t want her to, I haven’t for a long time, but this place has definitely changed me this time around. Now I find you everywhere. New songs, old songs, new places, old places, actually you, lookalikes. You’re just always there. 

[lawbear]

9 FEB 18

How do people age gracefully? How do they just accept that they’re slowly dying? That those feelings that once fit so well are too big, or too small?

I feel like everything in me is fighting. Fighting to act younger. Look younger. Be younger.

Maybe I rushed into all of this. I know things had to happen they way they did. & That I might be dead if I hadn’t gotten sober. But what if?

I just don’t want to yearn for those days anymore. I want to be content with where I am. I want peace with aging.

I don’t want to ache anymore. This must be why people choose to die. This is just so tiresome, somedays.

But other days. Other days a song fills me with that sickly sweet sixteen year old soul hell bent on destroying herself and everything around her.

[lawbear]

5 FEB 18

You only came at night. That should have been a sign. This particular night we stayed in. I wish I had taken in more of my surroundings, but you were always so distracting. I met you on the back deck. This was a new phenomena. Our usual rendezvous was at the end of the driveway in your bright blue Honda Accord.  I think you tried to stay as far away as possible. When I met you outside you came baring gifts. A kiss. A bag of weed.I never felt at ease around you. I don’t think I ever will. I always had to have something to calm me down. Pills, weed, alcohol, fresh cuts, something. We got high. We always got high. Another reason I couldn’t take in my surroundings.

We moved silently into my bedroom. My mother was sleeping right down the hall. I can’t quite recall the time. But other details come flooding back.

“My hands are cold,” you whispered. They found their way to the small of my back. I shook. They weren’t cold, but I always shook. Every time you touched me.

“Liar.” Short. Breathless. In between kisses. By this time we were on my bed. It was hard to keep up with hands. My head was so foggy.

But there she was. Without fail. Every. Fucking. Time. My guilty conscious only made an appearance when I was high. You were with her. Not me. (This seemed to have been a recurring theme in my life.) My heart pounded. My stomach was in knots. I loved you (I think). But you only wanted to fuck me. God you said such pretty things.

I pulled away. I said her name. My eyes said I love you. My mouth said “See you tomorrow.”

I can’t promise I slept that night. I had a hard time sleeping then. I know I wrote about it that night. I was so scared it was all in my head. Putting things on paper made those moments seem real. I was so numb and wanted nothing more than to feel you next to me. 

I stayed high off of that moment for at least 12 hours, even though it was fake. Motivated by weed and the promise of a hook up. Nothing was ever real.

What’s even more fucked up than that is ten fucking years later, I can still conjure up those feelings on command. That euphoria. That numbness. That emptiness. 

Either way, I guess I’m glad we both made it out alive.

[lawbear]

1 FEB 18

A treasured relationship. I don’t know if I would ever describe what had as treasured. But I don’t know. It’s been so long.

You showed up. For the first time in a long time. Maybe I’m bracing myself for your sister’s wedding. 

I don’t know why you showed up, but it calmed me so much. I hugged you like I always do, and probably always will. You followed me around like you used to. Then I, you. I wanted to save you. I might always want to save you.

We ended up in Macon. I can’t explain that either. I just miss her all the time. I wanted to show you all her best parts. My old house. My favorite streets. My favorite alley ways. All the green spaces. Everything. You asked about the cost of living. You said we still had time to start a family. I recoiled from you. From that thought.

I remembered him. I remembered the life we made. I told you that wasn’t possible. I held your hand again, leaned into you, and we walked down College Street.

 - I think I’ll always love you.

As an addendum:

I feel like it’s necessary to note that you looked like you did a decade ago. Not like you do now. You look hollow. Frail. At least frailer than usual.

Remember that time you sent me a photo that I had taken of myself? I had long reddish hair. The curl was still alive. That probably means I still held onto a bit of sanity back then. I was wearing a blue shirt, it think. Your old hemp necklace with the glass mushroom pendant strung around my neck. You asked what happened to her. I don’t quite recall what I said. But I knew you had a point. You were right. I had gotten to that hollow point. 

You helped me get there. You fed them to me when I was sad. When that darkness started growing and I didn’t know what to do with her. You wanted to help me. You wanted to make me happy. But you were only making me more sick.

I wasn’t fair to you. I see that, now. I’m sorry. But you weren’t fair to me either.

 - & I guess for that, I forgive you.

[lawbear]

28NOV17

I feel so lost.

You’re running around up there so fast. Faster than you ever have.

I think I’m just sick right now. I know I’ll get better

But right now I’ll just feel it. I’ll let it take me over for a bit. I’ll breathe you in, knowing I’ll breathe you out in time.

But I mustn’t hold my breath.

You can’t remember. You couldn’t have known. At least I told myself that. 

We spent so much time together. And you never tried. In your room. With your door shut. In the middle of the night. Watching tv. Playing video games. and you never. fucking. tried.

But I was different then. I was scared. I followed the rules.

I might have broken them. For you.

But then you spoke her name. Not mine. Then you chose the dark over me. It’s how it went.

- always and never.

[lawbear]

14DEC17

It all seems a bit tainted. No matter how far removed we are, you always seem to be whispering in the background. Every year. I don’t know how I survived the first. It’s been a bit harder to breathe during this one. It’s the 10th anniversary of the first and so many things in between. But despite all of this, pieces of you still float around in my veins. I don’t think any of them could have been deep enough to get rid of you. I know I tried my hardest. If you’re out there, I hope you made it through.

- December

[nobodyloveus]

[hxlxgram-blog]

the more you look at it the more things move

[philosophybits]

Some of our richest days are those in which no sun shines outwardly, but so much the more a sun shines inwardly.

Henry David Thoreau, Journals (via philosophybits)

[lawbear]

FROM A PIZZA BOX 25 Sept 17

Smells bring back a lot of memories for me. I guess they do for most people. A hot pizza box did me in this time. Super romantic. It’s where I first saw you. I don’t remember the first thing you said to me. Or even our first kiss. The first thing I remember is that you slapped me on the ass. Workplace harassment. I broke up with a nice boy for you. I broke up with a nice boy for a boy who treated me like garbage. But who sometimes treated me okay. I always focused on those times.

I remember writing song lyrics into the flour. They were always to you. I always wrote about shaking. Those memories aren’t as clear anymore, but they’re immortalized on paper*. I sang to you a few times. In one memory we’re at the end of my driveway. In your blue Honda. It was from Virginia, just like my (first) car. Other things I remember happened in the back parking lot. But I won’t put those on paper for the sake of how he (and she) would feel. but I don’t think I’ll ever forget those.

I remember we went on a ~date~ at Nacho Mama’s. I wouldn’t let you pick me up. I must have been scared of you. I should have listened. You were my first ~real~ date. I don’t remember if you paid. A lot of memories aren’t there anymore. 

I remember waiting every night for you to text me a sweet thing. Mostly in the form of ~rap lyrics~. They didn’t come every night. You kinda lived an Eminem life. I wish you had told me about her earlier. I wonder how your mom is. I wonder if I’ve ever seen her.

I remember when you brought her. She shared my name. You told me you preferred redheads over blondes. I dyed my hair. Seeing her there almost killed me. That text almost killed me. That drive home almost killed me. I almost drove my car into a ditch because of that day. It was at my mom’s coworker’s house.

I remember the last time I saw you in person. It was at the bowling alley. You loved bowling. I always thought it was weird. You just looked at me. You had a pitcher in your hand. I don’t know of what. I couldn’t breathe. My heart rate quickened. There you were. I hadn’t seen you in over a year. I ran outside and chain-smoked. I got over it eventually.

All of that from a pizza box.

*actually on my computer.

[neogohann]

[sleepybiflinge]

DID I JUST GET FUCKING KISSED BY thE MOST ADORABLE FUCKING POKEMON IN EXISTENCe?

[game84cube]

If you don’t have a Pikachu kissing you on your blog, then what blog are you running?

[officiallalexgaskarth-deactivat]

Not a very good one obviously.

[stupidfuckingquestions]

[zebablah-deactivated20160105]

television history

[virginmarx]

i’ve been trying to explain this sketch to people for years

[lawbear]

ESCAPE 18 Sept 17

I’m not really sure why they keep popping up, but they do. So I write about them because I think it’ll make me feel better.

You were back in Atlanta. When you moved there it nearly broke me, even though we weren’t dating anymore. I remember visiting you after you moved. I remember my parents dropping me off at your new house. I remember shutting your bedroom door and making out on your floor while 8 Mile played in the background. I can still feel it in my soul. But I digress.

You were back in Atlanta. You had long hair again, but it was pulled back in a ponytail, which you never did. We were hungry so you used your old Georgia State University student ID to get some food in their cafeteria. Even in my dream you didn’t go there anymore. I remember feeling vindicated when I found out. I’m not even sure if it was true, but I heard you had to leave because you started using heroin. Remember when you wouldn’t date me because I was a smoker and a drinker and a user? But I digress.

You were getting -stealing- food for us from the Georgia State University cafeteria. I remember feeling exhilarated. Running out of there while your hand grabbed mine. Like that time we ran through the parking lot of the mall. We were so young.  I was so in love with you. But I digress.

We got to a ladder that led to a tiny window. It felt like the door to a submarine. You climbed up first. In my dreams I’m terrified of situations like that. I’ll get up to the top and be too scared to even move. But this time, I wasn’t. You were there reaching for my hand.

It’s probably been four years since I’ve seen you. Five since you’ve actually spoken to me. Close to ten since we’ve been friends. Probably equally as long since I last loved you.

I forget how much happened with you. You were the first boy I ever made out with. The first boy I ever loved. The first boy that broke my heart. The first boy I refused to let go.

Do you remember? I didn’t realize it then, but you broke up with me because I was sexually assaulted when I was drunk. I didn’t ask for that. But you told me I cheated on you. And I believed you. But I know now it wasn’t my fault. Remember when you cheated on Jennifer? You lived in Atlanta. You came to visit. Caleb drove you over. My parents weren’t home. The glass fell off the counter and shattered all over the floor. I like her more than you now. But I digress.

I don’t remember anything else.

[ileyanc]

[othermomo]

Because she’s deaf and can read lips/gestures. Which explains why she’s so fearless and how great courage is at charades.

[j-popsicles]

why must you hurt me this way

[strike-blade-blog]

That would also explain why Eustice is so loud.

[j-popsicles]

[balloonemies-blog]

[lawbear]

DIABLOS 12 SEPT 17

He looked exactly like you - if you hadn't aged a day since I last saw you. It took me back. I felt young. I felt sick. I haven't seen you in almost ten years. At least in person. There was that one time when I finally felt okay enough, and I looked you up. You looked so happy. And for the first time, I acknowledged that I forgave you. It was a big deal.

I dreamt about you a few nights ago. I didn't mean to, it just happened. You spoke to me the same way you did ten years ago. It was soft, it was comforting, it was dangerous. You were always begging for something, even if not directly. But then again, so was I. And I guess, now, I'm sorry for that.

I hope that wasn't you, sitting the way you always sat. Wearing your hat the way you always did. Making me feel the way you always did. But I hope it was you. Selfishly. Not because I want you. Not because I want what we had. Because I want to feel young again. Because I want to be young again. I guess I'm sorry for that too.