There's something so horrifying about Shepherd's dream in ch 8 of Shines from different lights. The dream + thought process under the cut. So spoiler warnings
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
This is going to look like the ramblings of a mad man because it kind of is. I wrote this while listening to 'Boots' Which is based on this spoken word poem. Over and over. It is talking about the horrors of war. The horror of the long endless marches. Constantly being forced forward. [Much like how Shepherd was forced to continue moving forward, they couldn't stop. He couldn't lower his guard or it meant people would die.]
And you can SEE that in the 'tempo' of how I displayed this entire nightmare. There is no description of the scene besides what is immediately important to Shepherd, it is a display of how Shepherd was unable to focus on anything else besides what was an IMMEDIATE threat.
I just need to go through thing after thing, because I have been thinking of this endlessly but I'll be referencing the nightmare first and then poking at the poem next.
The cold. The repeating cold and how its all he can feel until the darkness becomes light. - Amber temple easily haunts Shepherd the worse and I hope that's obvious. - But not only that, the mountain was the first time that Shepherd was clearly holding the party back, when Shepherd was clearly weak. - It was the first time that Shepherd was holding the party back. When they should of left him behind
Here the 'sections' are still reasonable, Shepherd is still moving forward. He is still aware of his surroundings
Strahdanya's voice cutting through, blaming him. - 'It is your fault you know' - it's this guilt over how he had failed them.
Sarnax's lantern bobbing in and out of the white. Constantly 'losing' the other just when he thinks he has him back, and only to be followed with Shepherd not trusting his own memories?
'Do you even remember her face, Shepherd of the lost?' - The scene is no longer 'reasonable' Shepherd isn't seeing his surroundings he is a desperate animal trying to rationalize.
'Do you remember their faces Shepherd?' - The desperation increases in Shepherd running, out of reach.
Until they stop with 'Do you remember their faces?' - THAT line haunting Shepherd, unable to trust his memories of what really happened in Barovia.
All of them being featureless with Sarnax's eyes black, an abyss of black. - Shepherd blames himself for 'corrupting' Sarnax. Refusing Sarnax the renewal he had wanted. - On top of his own eyes[soul] being changed on the rhapsody. He also made the choice to 'change' Sarnax.
The 'scene' derails into rationalizing from here. Shepherd fighting back and forth with his inner guilt[personified by Strahdanya's voice mocking him]
'The very same darkness that is in your very soul Shepherd. A stain. ' 'No. No no Shepherd was not stained- '
'Stained soul. '
'Shut Up. Shut Up you’re dead'
'So were you, bitter chosen. So was Sarnax. '
And THAT snaps his focus forward. Sarnax. He had failed Sarnax hadn't he? And yet he still offers his lantern silently, even as words die in his throat.
'You’ll ruin it. Just as you have everything else. It’s all your fault. Failure. Failure. Failure'
Remember. This 'voice' is all Shepherd's darkest guilts and shames dragged forward where he can't bury them. From there it becomes the irrational desperation to rationalize with himself that he hadn't failed them. That he did his best.
Until he's there. Kneeled in front of Sarnax, who looks down at him with these empty black eyes. It is a mirror of what happened in the amber temple.
'Do you remember their faces Shepherd?' - This repetition of not remembering is intentional. Shepherd doesn't trust his own mind.
Then the repeating of coward, while the 'party' looks down at him. But no one will help him. Why won't anyone help him? Why are they not helping?
'Because you are a useless coward Shepherd.'
There it is. 'useless'. The fear of being useless shakes around in his thoughts recklessly. Shepherd was useless at the end of the day. He was not well educated like Clayton or Victoria, he was not a fighter like Kana, He was not a healer like Sarnax. This was just supposed to be a job. And he still couldn't do that right. He still failed them. He failed them.
He abandoned them.
'You are a selfish man Silas Morgan. Refused Sarnax his purpose. Spat in the face of your own. You are no ‘Shepherd’ You are just as cruel and egocentric as I. We are the same. You and I.'
Shepherd thinking that Strahdanya's selfishness of wanting Ireena to herself is the same as Shepherd wanting to keep Sarnax. Shepherd refused Sarnax his martyrdom in a selfish bid of control.
The entire theme of this fic is love[even platonic/familial] makes even the most sane man selfish and insane. 'We are the same. You and I' The worse thing is, Shepherd will fucking believe it to.
The poem. AUGHH I FUCKING LOVE IT AS BACKGROUND TO BAROVIA. It is a horrifying poem about the horror of being unable to stop.
-Its the obsession with forward movement. You can't stop moving -'There is no discharge in the war' You aren't leaving Barovia -The obsession with counting, the little control you can have here. -Don't look at what's in front of you. It's the inability to look at the complete horror that is going on around you because you don't have TIME -Men go mad with watching them. the SEVERAL times Shepherd went a little unhinged when he looked at the horrors that IS Barovia. -Count your bullets in the bandolier. An obsession with having weapons. Maybe if I'm armed enough I can protect everyone -If your eyes drop they will get on top of you. The hypervigilance Shepherd picked up from Barovia -Boots moving up and down again. -There's no discharge in the war -We can stick out hunger thirst and weariness but not the chronic sight of them Shepherd would rather starve and exhaust himself then let down his guard. -Ain't so bad by day because of company. The days are tentatively calm -But nights bring long strings of forty thousand million. The horror of always being at risk of being jumped when the light leaves Shepherd. From here the poem's original reader starts to break into tears as his voice becomes more unstable. It's the last 40 seconds of the poem or to me. That last stretch in Strahdanya's castle where they are desperate -I Have marched six weeks in hell and certify it is not fire, devils, dark, or anything. But boots boots. Moving up and down again. The worse fear here is having to continue moving. -There's no discharge in the war -Try. Try. Try to think of something different! Distractions. By any mean or matter. Don't look at the horrors -Oh. my. god. keep me from going lunatic -Boots. Boots Boots. Boots, moving up and down again. Forward. Can only move forward.
And finally how the poem ends -There's no discharge in the war. Shepherd is still in that castle. He is still in amber temple. He is still in the abbey. He is still in death house. He is still in Barovia. There is no discharge from the war
