THE 4 WHITE CHRISES RANKINGS - week ending 1st july, 2018
#1 - CHRIS EVANS - TWEET ABOUT SCIENCE
What was Evans’ thought process in the moments leading up to this tweet? Did he genially scratch at his beard and chuckle, “Oh man, this is neat”? Were there family or close friends around at the time who, having repressed the urge to sock him in the crotch, conceded to nobler instinct by dragging his face close to theirs & screaming “YOU ARE A GOOD MAN. YOU MAY KEEP TALKING”? If anyone has information regarding this incident please contact chrisrankings.tumblr.com/ask.
#2 - CHRIS HEMSWORTH - PROFESSIONAL ASSOCIATION WITH TESSA THOMPSON IN THOR: RAGNAROK (2017)
In the manner of a post-WW2 American play which doubles as commentary on the excesses of capitalism & begins with the inciting incident of a middle-aged alcoholic straight white man finding a winning lottery ticket that became wedged in his ass crack by freak accident, Hemsworth leaps to second rank because he is the only Chris to have breathed that rarefied air which Tessa Thompson breathed for a shooting schedule of four months. Ascend that ladder, Hemsworth, and discover that the rungs do not give way under your meaty paws. Ascend.
#3 - CHRIS PINE - FAILURE TO KILL REAGAN AND/OR THATCHER
As and when TMZ reports that Pine lobbied extensively & persuasively to include a plot point in Wonder Woman: 1984 where Steve Trevor and Diana assassinate the American and British heads of state and put an end to their wanton destruction of accessible social infrastructure, this ranking will change. Last week, Pine was accorded first rank by the editorial board here at chrisrankings.tumblr.com. Let this be a warning: we reward complacency the way a hemorrhoid rewards the anal canal.
#4 - CHRIS PRATT - LIKE…..NO.
Pratt tried crawling out from the murky depths of Fourth Place Swamp; I slipped on my red-bottom Louboutin and toed him right back in (refer to: Wikipedia page for Direct Action). It was just as much a simple pleasure as it was an instructive experience for my long-time hostage Nate Silver. Repeated claims that his calculator is “not working well” and that his drinking water contains “sulphur” are now, tellingly, less frequent.
kianamaiart
dailybridgerton
jacobvanloon
ellievsbear
romaincrisis
pixelskylines
