1. How long have you been polyamorous or been practicing polyamory?
Probably all my life. My first kiss,at age 5-6, was two brothers. We were playing wedding, and they took turns saying, :“You may now kiss the bride,” and being the kisser. Fun times! I first read Robert Heinlein and his stories of open relationships and group marriages when I was a teen and thought, wow, THIS is how I want to live, this is who I am. But it wasn’t until last fall (2014) that I found out this was actually a thing, with a name, polyamory, that I was not just a happy slut who liked being in relationships with multiple people at the same time, but that others did it, too. That there were books and FaceBook communities and real life communities to help me learn about it. So it’s both very old, and very new to me.
2. What does your relationship dynamic look like?
I consider myself solo poly, that is, I am not living with a partner, don’t want to live with a partner, share finances, raise kids, blah blah, not that I’m knocking it for those it works for, but I need my alone time as well as time with those I love. I have two married boyfriends, another playmate, and several potentials. One of my boyfriends is also a Daddy Dom, which is a dynamic I had never explored before, but wow, so exciting. That said, all my relationships are under a year old, so there are many things we are still learning and working out. One boyfriend has been in the lifestyle for 15 years; the other has been in a swinger lifestyle with his wife for 3, but I am his first poly girlfriend.
3. What aspect of polyamory do you excel at?
My strengths are a spirit of fun, adventure, spontaneity and sensuality. I’m an excellent snuggler, a good listener, and when things are going well with my boyfriends’ wives and families - it makes ME feel more secure, and that compersion thing? Yes, I am genuinely happy for them. I would say a have a large and loving heart with infinite room for friends, family, and romantic interests.
4. What aspect of polyamory do you struggle with?
Time is always an issue, working out schedules. Even without poly being in the mix, I am a busy person with a full life, lots of activities, friendships, and interests. So I may get frustrated because I don’t see my partners as often as I might like, as they are busy, too. And they are not “out,” even to their extended families, so this means limited PDA in public places, or even being together at a restaurant, etc., in certain neighborhoods.
5. How do you address and/or overcome those struggles?
I’m working to become more aware and mindful all the time, of where I am, what I feel, what I want. What my own boundaries are, and being brave enough to verbalize them and ASK for the things I want. Even though asking brings with it the risk that the answer might be no. I realized that one of my sore spots was sometimes feeling like an afterthought or a booty call, and so am working with my boyfriends to firm up “anchor dates,” for several times a month, that way even if we have spontaneous get-togethers that happen before then, I feel more secure in between.
6. In terms of risk-aware/safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?
Condoms, always, and regular STI testing. Like a lot of sexually active people, I assumed I was being tested for “everything,” throughout the years, probably because I would go in to my doctors and SAY, “Test me for everything.” When I learned to my dismay that I was not, I got a full 10-panel test this spring. I discovered that I am positive for both HSV1 & HSV2, which was initially very upsetting to all of us. And then I had an outbreak,which was a blessing, because I saw exactly what one looks like, feels like, and where the tiny little blisters appear, so I will KNOW next time, and I have begun taking daily Valtrex for outbreak suppression and to minimize the risk of viral shedding. There is such a stigma about saying, “I have genital herpes,” but the reality is, many people, in poly, swinger, and serial monogamous relationship styles, have unprotected sex with people who may well be carrying AND shedding one of the viruses that cause genital herpes. The difference between those people and and me is: 1) I know I have it, and 2) I am taking steps to protect my partners. http://projectaccept.org/ is an excellent source of information about the various herpes simplex viruses, which are carried (and spread) by most of the US and world populations.
7. What is the worst mistake you’ve ever made in your polyamorous history and how did you rebound from that?
I’m pretty sure I am making some now I’m not even aware of, lol! In the past, not knowing that polyamory was a thing, I was open about some relationships, not so much about others, and allowed myself to become involved with men who were cheating on their wives or girlfriends. Wouldn’t do that again, and have met (and liked) my metamours, although we are not besties having barbecues together (at least, not yet). I have a deep fear of being perceived as weak/needy, and tended to suppress my own needs, to try to “earn” love, and then would get caught in a downward spiral of self-loathing and resentment, because my needs weren’t being (magically) met. Then I’d express myself to my lovers in passive-aggressive ways instead of more directly. I’m learning to understand and express my feelings better, even the “ugly” ones like fear, insecurity, jealousy, disappointment, and it seems the more honest I am about my feelings, the better I feel about myself, AND the closer I feel to my partners.
I’m also really working to learn more about the polyamorous lifestyle, and what works for others, by reading, by workshops, by interacting in groups, and by blogs like this. :-)
8. What self-identities are important to you? How do you feel like being polyamorous intersects with or affects these identities?
I identify as cisgender, hetero female (though I often wish I was bi), whitebread ethnic heritage (I date any/all races), and live in Los Angeles. This affords me a great deal of privilege, as it seems it is easier for poly women, especially white women, to find potential partners. But, during times when I am open to adding new partners (I’m not, as of the date I’m writing this), it means there are a lot more bad matches to weed out.
(Bonus: Do you have any groups, projects, websites, blogs, etc. that you are involved with that you would like to promote?)
I am happily involved with Sex Positive World (http://sexpositiveworld.com/), and in my spare time, I write novels, short stories (working on some poly stories right now), and blog at: http://blog.writinginflow.com/
Photo by Nick Holmes with this linK - http://nickholmesonline.com/photo/
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