On a happier note, getting baptized felt like getting married and I’ve felt so wonderful inside all week. First communion was so special and I am so grateful for the privilege to receive the Eucharist.
The Prophecy of Simeon
The Flight into Egypt
The Loss of Jesus in the Temple
The Meeting of Jesus and Mary on the Way of the Cross
The Crucifixion
The Taking Down of the Body of Jesus from the Cross
Jesus laid in the Tomb
From Atheist to Pantheist to Catholic - My Conversion Story
These are only life events, and cover the Faith part of the Faith + Reason equation. I’ll need to dedicate another post to the philosophical and theological path that occurred in tandem with these events.
I hope you enjoy. :) It’s been a wild ride.
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- I am very young and at swimming lessons for the first time. I must be 3 or 4. I fall off the platforms designed to keep our heads above water. No one notices at first. But I am not afraid, just drifting towards a light before I am suddenly yanked out of the water and coughing profusely.
- I attend Sunday school at the insistence of my Grandma. My dad is annoyed. I come home and ask my papa about God. My dad tells me that God is made up. Later in life he tells me he rejected religion when I was born, because he couldn’t understand how a pure and beautiful child could be stained by sin. He devoted his life to science after that.
This made perfect sense to me, and I carried this attitude with me throughout my life. I became a very critical observer, especially in regards to organized religion.
- My Catholic grandparents bring us to Christmas mass (and continue to do so every year.) My mom is preoccupied with keeping my sister and I quiet. My young brother causes scandal by slipping out of the pew and taking communion unbaptized. He can’t be more than 6, and just wants to participate. (He is now a Christian, for what it’s worth)
- I backpack in the Wyoming wilderness with my family around age 10. I feel a sense of peace on the mountain rimmed shore of Tomahawk lake. I feel a pattern in the grandeur, a true and humbling sense of awe. I feel something Godlike. I tell my pop, and he just smiles at me and ruffles my hair.
- I experience manipulation and physical trauma at the hands of peers I place trust in as a child and teen, which scar me deeply.
- I have several night terrors / hypnagogia as a teen where I experience ghosts, and once, a demon. I’m deeply disturbed by these experiences and don’t know how to integrate them into my beliefs as an atheist.
- My mom tries to help my bad teen acne and irregular cycles by putting me on birth control.
- I’m an average student, and a decent athlete. School is just okay. I don’t excel at much and prefer listening to music and painting in my room. I become interested in boys.
- I graduate high school, start college, and then promptly drop out. My parents kick me out of the house. I spend two years living with a boyfriend and experimenting with weed and hallucinogens.
- My dad asks me to visit my devoutly Catholic great-grandmother Olive once a month in a nursing home at the height of my rebellion. She sees nothing but good in me, despite me feeling utterly fallen. She loves me immensely, and keeps poems I wrote as a young girl in with her collection of favorite prayers.
- My boyfriend becomes abusive and the economy collapses. I lose my job, and eventually break up with him. I ask my parents for forgiveness and move back home. I return to college.
- I discover pantheism, and feel like I’ve finally found a name for the Godlike awe I’ve been chasing since I was a girl on the lakeshore.
- Eventually, my great-grandma Olive succumbs to dementia. I receive a small inheritance from her, which I put towards the cost of completing a French study abroad at a university in Normandy.
- In Normandy, I feel close to the spirit of my great-grandma Olive. Our program includes visits to churches, monasteries, and reliquaries with weekly if not daily frequency. Everything is ancient. I feel sad and disconnected from my American peers, estranged from Norman locals by the language barrier, but form a tight bond with my host family. I spend a lot of time wandering the narrow streets and drinking wine and cidre in cafés trying to make sense of the world. I buy ranunculus and place them on my night stand. I find solace in the Gothic architecture, and in the tiny orchard towns of the Old Country.
- The last week of my time in France, we visit Paris. My program director arranges for us to attend mass at Notre-Dame de Paris. There are incense and Gregorian chants. Part of the mass is in Latin, the rest is in French. I sketch the vaulted ceilings. I shake hands with a kind-eyed stranger behind me and wish him peace in English, knowing he may not understand my words but feels my intention. After mass, I walk between the arches, and I cry.
- After returning home, I spend a quick summer in my hometown, and pack to leave for Chicago to pursue a bacheor’s degree. I love Chicago and make friends. My first Easter there, I try to find a Catholic church and talk a new boyfriend into coming with me. I dress up and wear a new silk hat. He hates the service and asks if we can leave. I say no and am disappointed in him, despite neither of us being Catholic. I feel, for some reason, I should be there. Maybe because it makes me feel connected to my great-grandmother. We leave and eat strawberries in Millennium park.
- I move out of the dorms and into other neighborhoods. Subsequent years I begin to practice Lent, because I like the principle of it. It seems like a really positive challenge to me. I don’t make the mistake of dragging others with me to Easter mass anymore.
- I graduate college and struggle to find meaningful employment. My body is in tremendous amounts of pain. The doctors can’t figure out what’s wrong with me though. I quit hormonal birth control to see if it helps. My body reels and tries to stabilize without the consistent dose of hormones I’ve been taking daily for the last decade. I fall into an inconsolable and deep depression for the next two years
- An acquaintance asks me to join a band. As music has been the silver thread pulling me through the darkness, I agree wholeheartedly.
I learn to play bass, and duet vocals with him as he plays lush, reverby guitar and sings in a low timbre. Over the course of the year, we fall in love. He’s tall, serious, dark, with electric blue-green eyes. He’s fiercely intelligent. His smile makes my heart leap from my chest. His name is M.
- One weekend M. and I are spending the morning together, and he casually asks if I’d like to go to Easter mass with him the next day. I’m overcome with surprised joy and happily agree. I dress up once again, and I smile at him with this unexplained feeling of pride as he leaves my side to go take the Eucharist.
- I continue to struggle with my mental health. M. really loves me and encourages me to find a therapist. I do. We find out I have PMDD, and I begin, slowly, working on improving my health.
- My grandpapa is suddenly diagnosed with stomach cancer and is placed in hospice. I fly out immediately to be with him and my family. Within the week, he’s gone. My family grieves in the small hospice chapel. I find myself praying for the peace of his soul.
During this trip, my grandmother is diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s, which breaks my heart. I feel like, in a way, I’ve lost both of my grandparents twenty years too early. I return home.
- My relationship progresses with M. He is a cradle Catholic, but isn’t especially devout. It’s a somber year. The next Easter rolls around, and I once again practice lent. I give up alcohol. Despite still not feeling especially Catholic myself, I begin reading the Bible, starting with the gospels “as a cultural experience.” I think it’s some kind of effort to connect with my roots. I read them on the train as I ride to the record store that I work at.
- One morning on the train, I read the parable of the 10 Virgins. I’ve never heard it before, and I don’t quite understand it. I re-read it over and over again. When I get to work, one of my co-workers is playing Johnny Cash.
- The song playing is "When the Man Comes Around." I am shocked to hear the parable of the 10 virgins in the song. And I start to wonder if what I’m reading maybe is actually trying to speak to me. So I don’t stop.
- Intrigued by my experience, I decide to fast deeply during lent. Out of curiosity, one evening in my room I try to talk to Jesus for the first time and introduce myself. Nothing spectacular happens, but the room seems to smell like sawdust and sweet wood, and I feel peaceful.
- That Easter, M.’s parents are visiting and invite us to the candlelit vigil service. It’s in a church that’s hundreds of years old called St. Michael’s. The choir is perfect and well practiced, and they sing a Capella. I watch the baptisms of the excited canidates and catechumens, dressed in their special outfits, with happy spouses looking on. I feel this sudden yearning to be one of them. I’m delirious from fasting and feel as if I’m floating. I silently cry again, and think about my grandma, great grandma, and grandpapa. We go out to dinner together and the food tastes incredible after the fast.
- In the weeks following, I keep reading the bible. It becomes my secret.
- M. and I decide to move to Arizona together, to find a better life. We are living paycheck to paycheck, and feel like we might find more gainful employment there. When we arrive, I spend most mornings standing on the edge of desert landscape, trying to achieve deep meditation to help with my mental health. I memorize the “Our Father” prayer, and say it at the beginning of each session.
- M. and I talk about maybe having children someday. He says that he thinks he might want his kids to go to Catholic school, like he did.
- At this point, I’m already deeply fascinated with Catholicism. I read about saints as I commute around town. I read about the formation of the bible and the desert fathers, I decide that I might want to maybe be Catholic. Then I find out what’s involved. The lengthy process of RCIA keeps me away, and I worry about what my fallen-away father would think. So I keep reading in secret instead.
- I want to donate to a food drive, so M. helps me find a local church to take food to for thanksgiving. They have a prayer shawl ministry. I really want to learn how to knit, so I join, despite not being Catholic or belonging to the parish.
- Months later, I become fascinated with the rosary. I decide to pray a “virtual rosary.” During that experience, I see the Virgin Mary in my mind’s eye. I see her as the female form, then as my own body. I recognize that I’m holding a lot of insecurity and tension in my body as sexual shame. Suddenly, I see my female form as completely beautiful and natural. I feel freedom and peace from that shame I’ve been carrying since I was a child. I don’t know much about the Virgin Mary, but I know that I need to learn more.
- That very night, my boyfriend and I go to see The Smashing Pumpkins. The whole set is filled with imagery referring to the Virgin Mary. I find myself saying the Hail Mary prayer in my head, over and over again. It glitters in my mind like it’s made of gold.
- I read more and more about Our Lady. And I find a small coin necklace with her image. It glitters just like the prayer. I make a pact with myself that if I decide to buy the necklace, that I’ll join RCIA.
- A few days later, I decide to buy the necklace.
- That Sunday, I feel compelled to go to mass alone, even though I’ve never done that before. I walk there. At the end of the service, the church announces its new RCIA director, who I meet after the mass. And I begin the inquiry process within weeks.
“Necessary emphasis should be placed on the ‘genius of women’, not only by considering great and famous women of the past or present, but also those ordinary women who reveal the gift of their womanhood by placing themselves at the service of others in their everyday lives. For in giving themselves to others each day women fulfil their deepest vocation. Perhaps more than men, women acknowledge the person, because they see persons with their hearts. They see them independently of various ideological or political systems. They see others in their greatness and limitations; they try to go out to them and help them. In this way the basic plan of the Creator takes flesh in the history of humanity and there is constantly revealed, in the variety of vocations, that beauty-not merely physical, but above all spiritual-which God bestowed from the very beginning on all, and in a particular way on women.”
Hooo boy, so it’s been a while, hasn’t it? But fear not, not only am I still making my journey through RCIA, I’m all scheduled to officially become a catechumen at the beginning of November.
So here’s a rundown of what I’ve been up to in the mean time:
RCIA started in my parish officially at the start of September. Initially, around 10 people came to the first session, but this number has slowed to a trickle of between 3-5 of us, depending on the week.
Everyone else in the group is already baptized, so I’m the only one who will officially become a catechumen rather than a candidate. Because of this, I will not be dismissed at Mass, (because I guess that would be awkward.)
I’m one of three of us in the 20-30 age group, and two in the group are over 50, (who it must be noted, show up much more regularly.)
Every Sunday, we participate in a guided bible study and prayer session, followed by Mass.
During my inquiry, I was also given a copy of ‘33 Days to Morning Glory’ by my RCIA director, which is a DIY Marian Consecration retreat, and I’d highly recommend it. I especially loved reading about the concept of the Immaculata, which describes Mary as being, in a way, born with the life purpose to become the spouse of the personage of the Holy Spirit.
I completed my Marian Consecration on October 7th, the feast of Our Lady of the Rosary. As a token of the consecration, have ordered an antique French Miraculous Medal, minted in 1881. Which I also found out is the birth year of St. Pope John XXIII, who opened the Second Vatican Counsel.
The day before my consecration that rainy Sunday in the Church Garden, my boyfriend M. and I visited an elderly member of my parish to help her with her record player. In thanks she gifted me a brown scapular, which I have been wearing every day and striving to fulfill the requirements of, (which I am told is to wear it continually, remain chaste according to my state of life, and to either pray one of the prayers of The Little Office of Our Lady daily, or to abstain from meat on Wednesdays and Saturdays.)
And now, I’m tasked with finding Godparents (a bit confusing to me) and the greater task of finding my my patron saint. Which really is a task. I have about 20 lined up on a note card.
Do I, an artist and musician, chose a patron saint of the arts like St. Catherine of Bologna or St. Cecilia? Do I choose badass musician, scientist and botanist St. Hildegard of Bingen who wrote her own Gregorian Chants? The somewhat melancholic St. Faustina who wrote extensively on purgatory and whose visions detailed the Divine Mercy? Or Jewish-raised contemporary philosopher St. Teresa Benedicta of the Cross, who converted less than a decade before she was martyred in a concentration camp in WWII. Every day there’s another saint to enthrall and jumble up the already difficult choice.
Reading more of scripture, as well as the historical speculation of early manuscripts of the Bible and related texts, I am so struck by the absolute depth and complexity of the mystery of the Church, which is a bit vexing to know that I’ll never fully understand.
Reading primers on The Theology of the Body, I am overtaken by a greater sense of dignity for my body and vocation as a woman. I feel a deeper desire, and a stronger foundation, to build greater respect for myself and my future, because I can see the intention in myself physically. This has been one of the most transformative and uplifting branches of my study so far.
I’m in great anticipation of finding a way to really bridge and communicate for others the dualism of my secular and atheist upbringing with this sudden blossoming of Christian faith, which mystifies me as much as it does the people around me. I admit that I struggle to find the words only because they are so many. It feels like a mammoth project.
So I’ll pray for the ability to distill it into something accessible, while my perspectives from these two divided vantages is still so clear; while my path is still illuminated in its recency. I feel it’s a duty of sorts for others who might be on the same path, God willing.
Anyways, sorry for the wall o’text. It’s been a month coming.
More to come soon, and in smaller bits. With love.
I met with my RCIA guide today for the first time to begin Inquiry. I was honestly a bit scared going in, afraid that maybe I was there for the wrong reasons or was going to say something wrong.
Instead, she just asked me about my background and what had brought me to RCIA. I immediately relaxed and just started talking. It was good to finally put all the pieces into words for someone to bear witness to.
Suddenly love for my great grandmother, the smell of incense at Notre-Dame, and the beauty of the candle lit vigils all rushed through my head and over my lips.
She told me that she’s new to heading the program, so I may be the only student, or part of a small group.
My task until official classes begin in September is to read scripture through the monastic practice which is called Lectio Divina.
It’s a practice that was established in the 6th century, hence the Latin name. Monks used it to get closer to God, asking for Him to be revealed in the text.
Basically, I’m assigned different readings for each day, and am to reflect on them in 4 different ways.
I’ll read the passage slowly, with intent. I read it several times and write the name of any passages that spark something in me. This is called Lectio.
Then I’ll write down why they stood out to me, and what thoughts I had about them as a kind of meditation. Afterwards, I am to apply what I’ve read; I write how I think what I’ve read can contribute to my life and circumstances. This is called Meditatio.
Then I write down what I’ve experienced during this time and write a prayer to God. Perhaps I’ll share a few memories and feelings that were stirred up. I read back the verses in my own words, how I would have written them. This is called Oratio.
Finally, I’m instructed to be silent and simply sit in the presence of the Lord, to “rest in His presence.. receive grace and strength.” This is called Contemplatio.
I’m excited to be diving into such a historically rich practice so soon. We started with the Annunciation in Luke. While reading I was struck by the fact that Mary was so scared, but then was comforted by the angel.
I was nervous about my meeting today, and this reminded me that everything is going to be okay, and to just trust the journey, despite the uncertainty and even a bit of fear involved.
I also think I’m going to order a journaling Bible, so I can take notes and make drawings as I read.
Overall, I have a really good feeling about everything and am so happy I worked up the courage to start this process.
Comment réciter le chapelet ? How to pray the rosary in English and French
(img source)
I love the rosary.
It’s a beautiful form of meditation through repetition and intention.
I’ve had some very powerful feelings of peace, joy, and strangely, self acceptance, during my several attempts at praying it. I recommend it to anyone. You don’t even have to be Catholic.
As I’m trying to practice French in some form each day, I thought memorizing the more common prayers of the rosary in the language of a country that is historically heavily Catholic would be lovely, especially since my time in France played a role in my own initial interest in Catholicism.
Rosary Basics
If you are new to the rosary, here’s a quick rundown on how it works:
The rosary is composed of a cross or crucifix and a series of beads, each of which represents a prayer.
It helps to hold each bead as you move through the rosary. This allows you to keep track of where you are without counting, so you can focus on meditation.
That part dangling down to the cross? That’s where you’ll begin. You work your way up from the cross, then around the neck. You can move either clockwise or counter clockwise, it doesn’t really matter.
When you get to the main loop, there are five sets of beads, organized into what are called “decades.” For each decade first you’ll set your intention, which is to meditate on one of the Mysteries of the life of Christ (more on that later.) You can also additionally set your own intention here and add your own prayer.
Say the Rosary / Réciter le chapelet
Here’s how to work your way through the rosary and the corresponding prayers:
1. Make the sign of the cross. Faire un signe de croix.
In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
Au nom du Père et du Fils, et du Saint-Esprit, Amen !
Say the Apostle’s Creed. Réciter du symbol des apôtres:
I believe in God the Father Almighty, Creator of heaven and earth; and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord; who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died and was buried. He descended into hell; the third day he arose again from the dead; he ascended into heaven; sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty; from thence he shall come to judge the living and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Holy Catholic Church, the communion of Saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting. Amen.
Je crois en Dieu, le Père tout-puissant, Créateur du ciel et de la terre. Et en Jésus-Christ, son Fils unique, notre Seigneur ; qui a été conçu du Saint-Esprit, est né de la Vierge Marie, a souffert sous Ponce Pilate, a été crucifié, est mort et a été enseveli, est descendu aux enfers ; le troisième jour est ressuscité des morts, est monté aux cieux, est assis à la droite de Dieu le Père tout-puissant, d’où il viendra juger les vivants et les morts. Je crois en l’Esprit Saint, à la sainte Église catholique, à la communion des saints, à la rémission des péchés, à la résurrection de la chair, à la vie éternelle. Amen.
2. Our Father / Un Notre Père
Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Amen.
Notre Père, qui est aux cieux, que ton nom soit sanctifié, que ton règne vienne,
que ta volonté soit faite sur la terre comme au ciel. Donne-nous aujourd’hui notre pain de ce jour. Pardonne-nous nos offenses, comme nous pardonnons aussi à ceux qui nous ont offensés. Et ne nous laisse pas entrer en tentation mais délivre-nous du Mal. Amen.
3. Say 3 Hail Marys, one for each bead. Réciter 3 "Je vous salue Marie," une pour chaque perle.
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee; blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the Fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
Je vous salue, Marie pleine de grâce ; Le Seigneur est avec vous. Vous êtes bénie entre toutes les femmes, Et Jésus, le fruit de vos entrailles, est béni. Sainte Marie, Mère de Dieu, Priez pour nous pauvres pécheurs, Maintenant et à l’heure de notre mort. Amen
4. Conclude with Glory Be and Oh My Jesus. Each decade also closes with these prayers. Concluez avec “Glorie au Père” et “O Mon Jésus.” Chaque dizaine se termine également avec ces prières
Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
Gloire au Père et au Fils, et au Saint-Esprit, comme il était au commencement,
maintenant et toujours, et dans les siècles des siècles. Amen
O My Jesus, forgive us our sins, save us from the fires of hell and lead all souls to heaven, especially those who are in most need of Thy mercy.
O mon Jésus, pardonne-nous nos péchés, préserve-nous du feu de l'enfer et conduis au ciel toutes les petit âmes surtout celles qui ont le plus besoin de ta miséricorde.
5. (& 9, 10, 11 12) Now, the meditation on the mysteries begin. Puis la méditation des mystères commence.
For each decade, begin by announcing the Mystery (they’re listed below,) then say the Our Father (see Nº 2.) Pour chaque dizaine, commencez par annoncer le mystère (ils sont énumérés ci-dessous), puis dites le Notre Père (Nº 2.)
6. Recite 10 Hail Marys (see Nº 3), following the beads. Récitez 10 “Je vous salue Marie" (Nº 3,) en suivant les perles.
7 & 8. Conclude each decade with Glory Be and Oh My Jesus before moving on to the next decade. Concluez chaque dizaine avec “Glorie au Père” et “O Mon Jésus” avant de passer à la prochaine dizaine.
13. After all the decades are complete, finish the sequence with a Hail Holy Queen, followed by a final prayer or the sign of the cross. À la fin, terminez la séquence avec un Hail Holy Queen, suivi d'une prière finale ou du signe de la croix.
Hail Holy Queen:
Hail, holy Queen, Mother of mercy, hail, our life, our sweetness and our hope. To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve: to thee do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this vale of tears. Turn then, most gracious Advocate, thine eyes of mercy toward us, and after this our exile, show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb, Jesus, O merciful, O loving, O sweet Virgin Mary! Amen.
Nous vous saluons, Reine, Mere de misericorde, notre vie, notre joie, notre esperance, salut. Enfants d'Eve, nous crions vers vous de fond de notre exil. Nous soupirons vers vous, gemissant et pleurant dans cette vallee de larmes. O vous notre advocate, tournez vers nous vos regards misericordieux. Et apres l'exil de cette vie, montrez nous Jesus, le fruit beni de vos entrailles, tendre, aimante, douce vierge Marie. Priez pour nous, sainte Mere de Dieu. Afin que nous devenions dignes des promesses de Jesus Christ. Amen.
Final Prayer:
Let us pray. O God, whose only begotten Son, by His life, death, and resurrection has purchased for us the rewards of eternal life; grant, we beseech Thee, that meditating upon these mysteries of the most Holy Rosary of the Blessed Virgin Mary, we may imitate what they contain and obtain what they promise, through the same Christ Our Lord. Amen.
Prions: O Dieu dont le Fils unique, par sa vie, sa mort et sa resurrection, nous a merite, les recompenses du salut eternel, faites que, meditant ses mysteres dans le tres saint Rosaire de la bienheureuse Vierge Marie, nous mettions a profit les lescons qu'ils contiennent afin d'obtenir ce qu'ils nous font esperer. Par la meme Jesus-Christ, votre Fils notre Seigneur. Amen.
The Mysteries
For each decade, you’ll reflect on 1 of 5 certain events of Jesus’ life, depending on the day of the week. I usually like to pull up a classic painting of the event before I announce it, and look at it while I recite the Hail Marys.
The Annunciation, The Visitation, The Birth of Jesus, The Presentation in the Temple, Finding of Jesus in the Temple
L'Annonciation, La Visitation, La Naissance de Jésus, La Présentation au Temple, Le Recouvrement au Temple
Sorrowful Tuesday & Friday | Mystères douloureux Mardi & vendredi
Agony the Garden, Scourging at the Pillar, Crowning of Thorns, Carrying of the Cross, The Crucifixion
L'Agonie de Jésus, La Flagellation, Le Couronnement d'épines, Le Portement de la Croix, Le Crucifiement
I’ve created this blog as a kind of diary as I begin RCIA classes.
My journey is unique, as they all are, and I’ll share my roots, background, and thoughts as I take steps towards entering the Church.
I also wanted to create a blog to explore traditional femininity. I feel like this group is often stereotyped and misunderstood.
As a feminist, I’d like to re-evaluate these ideas from a different lens in the sense that I think that traditionalism can bring fulfillment and strong communities to the lives of many women.
Politically, I’m just a hair left of Centrism, with pretty libertarian beliefs.
I’ll also share my own original photos here as well, with the goal of being 99% original content here. :)
I’m very open to questions and respectful discussions on these topics.
Also, feel free just to say hey and get to know me, I’d love to get to know you, too!
areudirty
yousharknotpass
prguitarman
turnnoffyourmind
blakekathryn
germansingergirl
theartofmadeline
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