I just want to know. @let-down-again-blog - Tumblr Blog

zackarypham-deactivated20140803

My Birthday's in less than 24 hours!

I'm so excited! I'm gonna get so ridiculously trashed Friday night and I cannot wait. I know that sounds bad, but Darkness is bringing a handle and owes me a fifth, so we have the rest to drink, I have some raspberry still in the freezer at Double Name's, and Darkness is also coming with about 20 for us to get rid of. My birthday weekend is going to be the fucking best.

Saturday my parents are coming down with my older sister, possibly my younger brother, possibly my younger sister, and almost any other family members that want to see me for my birthday. This should be interesting. I wonder what I'll get as presents, not to sound like a spoiled brat, I'm just so happy. Juju got me footsie pajamas with red and blue stripes, best parts? The sock monkey sewn onto the chest and the sock monkey slippers at the bottom! I fucking love these things. They are so warm.

Sunday I don't know what I'm doing, but I hope I'll be spending it at the apartment and not in my room feeling sick. Even if I am, I want Double Name to come cuddle with me and be ridiculous like he was earlier tonight. It was great being able to giggle and play around again. It makes me feel like I'm a junior again starting the whole process over. But enough about that. I just want to have a nice weekend where nothing too serious happens, unless Double Name decides to grow a pair, because that would be a real bummer.

I shall return with pictures of presents either tonight, Friday, or Saturday.

#darkness #Double Name #Juju #Weed #Alcohol #Birthday #Happy #Thoughful #Anxious #footsie pajamas #Sock Monkey

So.

You just came over. for literally less than ten minutes. I don't know why it's so hard for me to talk to you. I had everything planned out in my head as to what I would say, but as soon as you walk in the room, I get flustered and can't speak. I act like a little girl, get really shy, sick to my stomach. You really think that by hiding your feelings, it'll make our friendship easier? No. That's not how it'll end up working. It's going to ruin us in any sense of the word. If we can't resolve these feelings, nothing's going to keep us as platonic friends. You caught me so off-guard by saying 'obviously I have feelings for you, but most of the time I keep my mouth shut because they seem to cause problems.' You actually surprised me with that one. I didn't realize that the feelings were *actually* a constant thing, I figured they wavered according to how you'd treat me from time to time. Now I'm just confused as to what I should be thinking our '-ship' should be: friendship, relationship, friends with benefits? What are we? I don't need a label, but I need a commitment at the very least that it's just going to be us two. I want to think that it *is* only me you want, so I need reassurance from you if that's the case.

You owe me a backrub next time, you double pinky-promised. But would it completely surprise me if you broke that promise, too? Not at all, babe, not at all.

#Double Name #Love #Confusion #Feelings #honesty Time #Mixed Feelings #Miss you #JCB

city-of-dream-s

c-h-a-o-s-deactivated20130626

Come on,

Don't you wanna? You always have, so come right on over. (:What's the worst that can happen? You go back on your word like you almost always have? You sit there are feel like a douche in the morning for what you did the night before? You think to yourself 'Maybe I could make this work. She's beautiful and I realize now how badly I hurt her.'? Let's be real. You're not going to feel anything tomorrow morning because when it comes to me, you feel nothing. Or that's how you're making it seem. Either way, I will not let myself become emotionally attached to you again. You've proven yourself not to be worthy of my pain and my heartache, but that you're good for when I don't want to be alone at night. I like it this way, though. You're more you this way, because this is how you've always been when I'm not here, so why should it change? It shouldn't. I don't mean anything to you anymore, as you've shown me. I mean nothing more than any of the other girls around here. So thank you for opening my eyes. Just come over and cuddle your problems away for a night (;

#double name #JCB #love #hate #feelings #promises

Why?

Why do you always seem angry at me when I'm just being friends with them? Honestly, I could be doing a hell of a lot worse. Your new boyfriend? Keep him in line. Because if I were to say just a few little words, I could get him to cheat on you, lickety-split. But I won't. I'm a good friend, and I know I am. So don't sit up there on your high horse. You can't seem to stay JUST friends with a guy, so it's not *my* problem when *I* can be friends with him and talk on the phone with him for two hours when you can't seem to keep your lips away from people. I disappeared this weekend. Well, it was really only me disappearing from you, but still. I know you tried to talk to me, but honestly? I don't want to talk to you sometimes. Sometimes I just need a few days, maybe a whole week where I don't talk to you so that we HAVE stories to tell each other. I get sick of you. I really do. That's not me saying that I don't love you and that I don't want us being as close as we are, but really, I enjoyed this week you've been in PR and I've been on campus living my life without having a parasite. I hung out with him today. And I told you. I could have very easily hidden it from you and not said anything and just let it slip casually in conversation. You always wanted me to be good friends with the guy you get close to, so why in hell are you getting mad at me for doing exactly what you want? You can't have it both ways. I gave up on the things with you and Double Name, because I realized that I had ABSOLUTELY nothing to worry about because I trusted you. So give me a little bit of respect and trust me on this one. I'm not going to hurt you. I've told him that multiple times. He still really likes me, but I'm putting *your and my* friendship before anything else with him. You mean the world to me, you really do. But honestly, I can't keep doing this. I can't keep going back and forth with him just because I'm afraid of how you're going to react. I'm keeping my friendship with him strong, like, I *will* be going over to hang out with him, sometimes in a group, sometimes just him and I. But NOTHING will happen, and that's a pinky promise (those things are super legit and you know it.) I'm not losing someone who has helped me through literally everything since last December. He's been there for me through things you couldn't, and I appreciate him ridiculous amounts for that. I'm not losing him, I'm not letting go of him as a best friend, and I most certainly am NOT letting the friendship you and I have get in the way of my friendship with Darkness. That's just how it is. I'm sorry if you don't like it, but that's just the way it is. There's nothing that's going to change between you and me, nor is anything going to change between him and I. I love you. You're my sister. You're my baby. You're my first wifey. You and I have been best friends for literally a good two years, plus Freshman year, so I know you. I know when you're upset and I know when you're not okay. I know when you're lying. I know when you're telling the truth. I know when you're hurt. And I also know that I am the cause of most of those things lately. I'm sorry that I am. I can't help it right now, it's the depression coming back. I wish I could change it, I really do, but I also just need someone to stand by me regardless of what's happening and just be there for me. I know it's a lot to ask, but we've been through worse, so what's just one more time, right? I will always consider you a part of my family, and I will always feel a part of yours. I love you with all of my heart. I wish you could see that I'm not going to hurt you. You're happy with him, that's all I care about. I would much rather see you happy with him than me be happy with him and you absolutely devastated. I love you babygirl. I really do.