Letters of Contempt

It is our duty as citizens of the world to inform the everpresent committee of our peers about its shortcomings.

[lettersofcontempt]

Dear Jogger,

While I understand you don’t want to stop your run to pick up your dog’s feces, letting him run loose into my yard to do his business because you’re a lazy piece of work isn’t an option. Part of being a dog owner entails collecting their ass droppings.

I am going to pick it up and save it in a bag and pelt it at you the next time I see you, you inconsiderate ass. 

Signed,

Get Off My Lawn

[lettersofcontempt]

Dear Manhattanites,

I would like to inform you of elegance vs. glamour. The typical Manhattanite appears to often confuse the two. How someone is elegant running around exoticizing fashions of yesteryear is beyond me. However, if someone can pull off this style without looking like an awkward wallflower at senior prom, then they are, in fact, glamorous in this regard.

Elegance, however, is something acquired from pushing and shoving through our own internal demons. Instead of irresponsibly running and hiding from them, like the majority of the human population, elegant people generally accept them as a part of the whole of themselves. This carries on through their poise in a way that makes their elegance shine: “I am human, and I know and accept myself for what I am, instead of living my life in adherence to past or present expectations of me. I will embrace this and carry it with me, always.”

Since glamour is externalized while elegance is internalized (and radiates outward), being superficial chucklefucks does not make you elegant. Mourning the past glories of New York and lamenting on how dull everything is today does not make one elegant – it makes one look like an assclown. An assclown so deep inside their dark little box, ignoring themselves and the world around them, that, perhaps, if all they’re attracting is dullness, the only common factor in that attraction is them.

Clutching your pearls,

Someone living in the 21st century

[lettersofcontempt]

Dear Student Material Engineers

Just because I am in possession of female organs does not somehow exempt me from being capable of calculating the voltage drop in the circuit we were building, nor does it prevent me from being capable of building a DC circuit with an oscilloscope. I am on the same course as you, I have the same base grades. I'm just as smart. So let us look at the reason why this particular aspect of the course was so hard for me: my understanding of electrics and electrical circuits is nothing more than being rusty, because I am at least three years older than all of you and thus did this in class rather a while ago.

I took something called a gap year, and did not study electrical circuits at A-Level. That means the last time I even touched an electrical circuit was when I was sixteen. I am twenty one. Do the maths. You'll find that it has nothing to do with my being in possession of a vagina.

Also my lab reports will likely be better than yours because I was paying attention to the theory, and you weren't.

Sincerely

Sick of the sexism in STEM.

[lettersofcontempt]

An appeal to gentlemen

This is a post for guys, by a guy, to educate our gender so that we stop being a fucking embarrassment. Women, you most likely already feel all of this in your bones, but feel free to read anyway.

Today, my wife, Zo, received a message on tumblr that I wish I didn’t have to include. Alas, it is crucial to this article, so here goes:

I’ll finger fuck you under the table at a restaurant then lick my fingers when I’m done I don’t give a fuck. --some random dude

Testosterone reaction #1: he’s talking about my wife. There’s a special place called the floor that’s reserved for people who speak like that in my presence, and I don’t think any guy would blame me for putting the speaker there. But guess what - I’ve also just made the situation about me. By disrespecting my wife and our relationship, this person just disrespected me, and thus gave me an excuse to lay him flat. In this situation, this is missing the point. This is about my wife first, and about me second, and I’d just reacted to the second most important reason instead of addressing the core problem.

There’s another type of message that Zo gets - death threats. By this point, we are pretty much resigned that those will come up every once in a while, and we don’t worry about them. And yet, she doesn’t publish them. I’m not writing a special post about them either. Why? Because there is not a single sane person that would treat a death threat as acceptable.

When Zo reads this kind of a message and interprets it from within her context, she sees a rape threat, files it in the same mental bin as death threats (not credible, ignore) and is done with it. I’m glad she does that - it saves her energy so that she can do all the awesome things we all love her for. It just erodes her fate in Humanity a little bit every time it happens.

I, a guy, raised in the patriarchal society, have a different context. This, to me (if I try really hard), is not a rape threat - I can see this for what it is (to the sender): a message of love. It is a miscommunication, and far more nefarious than a death threat by virtue of its seeming social acceptability, and thus far more shameful of my gender.

Let’s read the message for what it was actually intended (by the sender) to say: I want to do something you will enjoy, just for you, and then I will savour the ‘icky’ stuff as well, because I adore you (Yes, I’m an eternal optimist). Now, that is a sentiment I can get behind - It’s nice to do nice things for other people. The problem here is the choice of the nice thing (sex - guess what, not acceptable) and the expectation that Zo would (and should(!), because fuck logic) enjoy that with a complete stranger. Feel free to substitute any human for Zo in that sentence, though women are the most frequent.

I’m serious - I do believe the sender of this message actually thought they were being nice when they sent it. And that’s the most fucked up part.

If by now the message hasn’t come across, this is the message: yes, humans generally love sex. Humans are pretty choosy about who they have it with, though, and unless there is mutual understanding of want of sex (hard to miss), there is a very high unwant of sex. If your mental model says otherwise, fix your model, because you’re wrong. Nobody will enjoy having any of the kind of shit that the quoted message is selling. It is fucked up that in our culture, the above message has a chance in hell to be understood the way I interpreted it above.

Let me end with the kind of thing that would be appropriate in this context, so that we have some constructive criticism:

Hi Zoetica! I love your work. You’re an inspiration to me every day.

This is nice. It makes one feel good about themselves, and spreads joy and appreciation. However, it could be perceived as a bit on the light side in the light of the quoted message. So let’s try to match that.

Hi Zoetica! I love the way you look at life. You make me feel great about the universe and about myself - I must admit I have a bit of a crush on you for that reason. Anyway, keep being awesome! If you ever need anything, know that I’m here.

This expresses everything (something nice? emotional connection? support? all check!) and yet is OK. Why? Because it does not expect a particular reaction from Zo. It does not expect anything back. It’s support, freely given, nice, and just generally uplifting. Awesome! The key concept: lack of entitlement.

I’ll ask the guys for one more thing - if you get what I’m saying, show it. Stand up, say something against assholes that whistle after women and thus clearly don’t get it. After we’re done curbing this awful male entitlement, we can get back to just being nice to women and being gentlemen. Right now, our gentlemanly ways are running a chance of being seriously misunderstood exactly because of assholes like this.

Cheerio!

G

[lettersofcontempt]

Dear Hick on the Other End of the Phone, aka Chester Turner,

I would like to contempt about the incomplete list of candidacy requirements set forth by your association, the Welder Training Certification Inc. Listed on your website, they are as follows:

- be over 18

- NOT be a felon / have a clean record for at least 7 years

- be drug-free

- own a car, and be able to drive it- legally

Check, CHECK, check, and check. However, after having conversed with you on the phone for a matter of minutes, it became apparent to this individual that there are some seeerious holes in your prerequisites. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that you, SIR, have omitted the most important factors of all. Please be advised:

- Candidate must have penis

- Penis must be attached to human male

- Aforementioned candidate must be able to weld with aforementioned penis, since, logically, that is the only reason such a requirement would exist

I suggest you include these additions on your website, in the hopes that they will inform future prospectives about the best ways to receive preferential treatment at your facilities. The advancement of our society lies, sadly, in your weld-capable hands.

Whatthefuckously,

Female Welders of 'Murrrica

[lettersofcontempt]

Dear private landowners of Portola Valley,

Fuck you.

Seriously,

The Fuck You Association of Hikers

[lettersofcontempt]

Dear Patriarchy,

I'm tired of being forced to constantly demonstrate how smart, cultured, strong, independent, gifted with comprehension about the performance of all kinds of machines, etcetera, I am – even if I am, in fact, female. I'm too polite to simply explain to all the male strangers (undoubtedly smart folks, but strangers nonetheless), who approach me whilst trying to teach me how to use my own camera that they can kindly go fuck themselves. I'm also extremely tired of being catcalled on the streets, being followed in empty places and being touched without consent because, apparently that's simply what one can expect if their tattoos are visible while out in public locales. Upon pain of great vengeance and furious anger, I request this practice to stop. It has come to this.

Contemptuously, Feminist cat

[lettersofcontempt]

Dear Yelp,

We'd like to contempt about the lack of ways to remove a defunct business from your website. Kindly consider the following episode:

Having just spent a solid hour on the BART, the only reasonable way to steady our nerves was a glass of fine whiskey. Laphroaig being our particular favourite, we had no choice but to find a BevMo. Thanking Reality for geolocation, the Yelp app came up with this as the nearest BevMo location:

http://www.yelp.com/biz/bevmo-san-bruno

A click sent us to Google Maps, and another engaged Google's eerily cheerful navigator, always happy to make us Turn Left. And Then, Turn Left. Sidenote: what's cheerful about that, Google? (Also, what's up with "dest-oh-nation"? [fixed in current version])

In any case, our need was black and dire, and thus we suffered the traffic jams and arrows of outrageous fortune, at last arriving here:

Needless to say, it is difficult to get whiskey at Wells Fargo. But then, we checked the address - we'd been sent to a wrong parking lot! Manually punching in the actual address found on Yelp, we checked Google Street View - the BevMo wasn't there either. So what gives, Yelp? What!?

We then looked at the Yelp entry comments - a top one mentioned the BevMo has moved closer to their home, in passing. You will agree this is hardly efficient, or convenient - which is, at least theoretically, the point of a mobile app in the first place.

Resolutely braving another half an hour of traffic jams, we found our quarry at another BevMo location, much to our merriment.

We barely managed to arrive home in time, thanks to Yelp's failure to do its damn job. Thus, we'd like it to implement some kind of "Page out of date" tagging, if nothing else – which should be made especially prominent in the Yelp mobile app.

Ugh,

Contemptuously Thirsty in the Bay

[lettersofcontempt]

Dear Purveyors of Dessert,

I'd like to direct your attention to this decidedly contemptuous scenario: when you miss the bus home after ten hours of work, so you can treat yourself to a specific flavor of yogurt, only to find out that store has run out of it, and then make a detour in an attempt to comfort your wounded self by buying your favorite pralines from a chocolate shop, to find the shop closed at 18.00. 

As you may have surmised, one ends up feeling rather miserable after such a disheartening ordeal. I ask that, with my sanity in mind, you promptly address this issue.

Hopeful,

Wounded Sweet Tooth

[lettersofcontempt]

Dear Citizens For the Preservation of the English Language,

We would like to thank you for your letter of contempt. We found it most informative. Please note, however, that in this age of the lolcat bible, English can only grow with humorous, consistent, and readily apparent affronts to its grammar and usage.

As our intent is to enrich the English language by an easily parseable sentence structure that suggests a heightened form of the verb "complain", while also branding each post, we will happily continue to abuse this perfectly good, innocent noun.

As before we remain your humble servants,

The staff of Letters of Contempt

[lettersofcontempt]

Let's Precious the English Language

Dear LofC,

I did not realize until today that the NOUN that which we all refer to as CONTEMPT could ever be used as a VERB. I'm not sure when this alteration took place within our precious ENGLISH language, but...

But, would anyone really care? Oh, nevermind. 

Cautiously,

Citizens for the preservation of the English language

[lettersofcontempt]

Dear Contemptuous Readers,

It comes to our attention that the serious nature of this blog has been misunderstood. While this is a collaborative project and we really do appreciate your submissions, we would like to contempt about the brevity and non-constructive nature of posts such as this one:

or this one:

which, while certainly being valid contempts, don't even try to appear formal, but simply state a concern.

Please consider the following:

Dear Earthship Montana Visionaries

While we admire your forward-looking biotecture, we would like to politely contempt that your gaze only stretches as far as your property. This is apparent in the fact that there is not a single Greyhound bus going to Big Sky, Montana, necessitating egregious use of fossil fuels to reach an otherwise eco-friendly destination.

Additionally, we hope that you do not subscribe to the same Orwellian methods as Tumblr apparently does, by requiring identity confirmation upon entry.

Thank you for your time,

The Center for Hypocrisy Studies 

[lettersofcontempt]

Dear Plasma Screen TV Owners of Low-income Households,

It has come to my attention that in the worst parts of my city, people are living in squalor with (up to) 62" televisions. As hard as I try not to judge, to hear said people complain about not having enough bed linens for their kids when they have a ridiculous-size Toshiba or something makes my eyes narrow, all squinty-style.

Contemptuously,

Inadvertently Judgmental Citizen

[lettersofcontempt]

One should at times be able to remain anonymous

I have contempt about required emails and names.

[lettersofcontempt]

Dear Bay Area Toll Authority,

As recent transplants to the Bay Area, we were flabbergasted to discover the toll one must pay to leave Oakland – also known as the toll one must pay to enter San Francisco. 

Considering the known socioeconomic divide between Oakland and San Francisco, we can't help but wonder whether this arrangement is part of a plot to keep poors out of the city. If that is indeed the case, we respectfully register our contempt and assert that such practices are sinister and oppressive. Furthermore, we hereby request that the toll be lifted to allow free passage across all local bridges. In regards to city funds usually gleaned through these tolls, we suggest re-distribution of property taxes and higher littering fines.

With all due respect, 

Disgruntled drivers for bay equality

[lettersofcontempt]

Dear Fancy Space People,

While we respect your music and ideals very much after the stellar live performance at the Crazyology closing party, we still feel a strong sense of duty to space music, and are therefore compelled to contempt about your choice of key. While a major key does blow peace, freedom and unity, that is surely not the only key you are qualified to play or compose in, as our ears after the concert were only sensitive to the frequencies missing from the E-major scale. The preferential treatment afforded to the tones of the E-major scale not only stands in the face of the Society for Equal Tonage, but also impacts the ear's stereocilia unevenly, causing discomfort.

As an alternative, I would suggest the equally sweet and complementary option of the double harmonic scale, which is a particular favorite of ours.

Sincerely,

Music lovers who also like their ears

[lettersofcontempt]

Dear US Office of Weights and Measures

Dear Sir or Madam,

I would like to politely contempt about the usage of weird, unintuitive and completely superfluous paper sizes commonly in use throughout territories under your jurisdiction and exactly nowhere else in the world. It probably nearly doubles the shelf space required to store different sizes of stock picture frames, since stores have to supply them in rounded inch sizes as well as the sizes of the incredibly sensible system of ISO 216.

Because of my vast supply of experiential evidence, I will dare claim that the buyer experience would be greatly enhanced by the obviation of these archaic paper sizes - too vast a choice of too similar products is a detriment to profits, as Apple inc. (APL) has proven time and time again.

I would propose instituting a fine for any and all printers sold supporting irrelevant paper sizes, such as US Letter, US Legal and pretty much all others whose name starts with US and not A, B or C. Of course, plotters and other printers that can use arbitrary paper sizes should be exempt, but in this case the outdated paper sizes should be barred from appearing on the user interface as options.

Thank you for your swift and decisive resolution of this terrible drain on everyperson's time,

Yours,

Concerned citizens