August Meditations

Meditation guide and record

[liberatingallselves]

August Meditations MMXXV

This isn’t my typical page updating readers on the past year. There doesn’t seem much to update. I’ve been feeling more and more that my old posts are outdated. I hope the newer ones both signal the end of my writer’s block and a greater understanding of the spiritual path.

I’d like to think that my new posts reflect a deeper understanding of what it means to awaken. There are better presenters of this material that are easily found on your computer or iPhone. Today people can find teachings that only a few decades ago would have taken years to track down. They can get one-on-one teaching from awakened people from the comfort of their home. They can attend on-line retreats or fly across the globe to attend ones where they can speak face to face with these liberated people. There seems little need to add my voice to all this. Still, we all play a part in the global awakening that is now taking place.

The consciousness that’s coming to the surface in humanity is a global consciousness. It moves like waves upon the sea heading toward landfall. While some waves lay on the distant horizon others are closer to shore. Any individual wave coming ashore doesn’t hit the beach all at once. It rolls in like a zipper closing. The wave then pulls back to the sea only to be pushed inland again by the next incoming wave. You and I are those incoming waves. Our voices and our efforts are helping to push others toward awakening even as we move closer to it ourselves. All of which is to say that if you can find a group of like-minded people, or just one spiritual friend, then let that be your sangha.

Those who have already reached the far shore may be of benefit as a teacher. But as they can only point to the Goal the only real teacher you need is yourself. Not the egoic self, to be sure, but the self within whose whispers can be heard if you stop and listen. Don’t replace that inner voice for any teacher’s lest you fall prey to someone who seeks to glorify their own self at your expense.

If a practice feels right, then do it even if others tell you that it’s not the way. If a teaching hits the mark, then adopt it. Practice is important but I’ve found that things deepen in their own manner and in their own good time. Enlightenment, as Zen master Dogen said, unfolds.

That said, I hope that my writings clarify some things that may have puzzled you. But know that awakening isn’t about gathering knowledge or having a deep mystical experience. It’s about living your everyday life without resistance. It’s about accepting yourself for who and what you are and living that authentic self every day. All while knowing the wave as the ocean.

[liberatingallselves]

Enter Zen From There.

A Buddhist story has it that while walking in the woods with his Master a young monk named Kyosho asked, “Master, how do I enter Zen?”

Zen master Gensha paused then said, “Do you hear that mountain stream off in the distance?”

At first, Kyosho could only hear a slight breeze and some birds chirping in the forest but then he caught the faintest trickle of a distant stream and exclaimed, “Yes! I hear it.”

To which the master responded, “Enter Zen from there.”

Being inquisitive Kyosho then asked, “Master, if I wasn’t able to hear the mountain stream, what would you have said to me?”

“I would have said, ‘Enter Zen from there.’”

___________________________________________________________

Most versions of this Zen story have Kyosho attaining enlightenment after he hears the stream. I removed this line as I think it distracts from the intent of the story, which is how to enter Zen. Of how unawakened individuals may take that first step to identifying their true nature. That may otherwise be dismissed as too simple or lacking in all the accoutrements that they’ve heard come with enlightenment.

Simply put, your true nature is the awareness in which everything you experience happens.

It is the awareness of a breeze, a bird chirping, or a stream that lies in the background until you turn your attention there and realize that you’ve been aware of it all the while you’ve been attending to something else.

Zen Master Bankei pointed to this background awareness when he said if a bird called or some other sound occurred while listening to his sermon that you would have no difficulty knowing it was a bird, “or whatever, even without giving a thought to listening to it.”

This background awareness is always present. It precedes attention being brought to it, so you don’t have to create it, meaning it is Uncreated. Or, as Zen Master Bankei put it, Unborn.

Everyone has this Unborn awareness. But just like the space we move in and through every day we pay it no mind. Nevertheless, it is always here. There is nothing separating you from it. In truth, you are it. It is your true nature.

This awareness exists prior to the content that appears in it, which is why Master Gensha said Kyosho could enter Zen even if he didn’t hear the stream. That is, he didn’t need to hear the stream to become aware of being aware.

It is easy to turn your attention to this background awareness. You can do it any time. Right now, for instance, turn your attention to your breath. As you do, note that the breath doesn’t appear out of nowhere. There was an awareness of it before you turned your attention to it.

Now turn your attention to something else. A sound in your environment or the sensations in your feet. As you turn, notice again that there was already an awareness of these sensations sitting in the background. It is interesting to note that some who awaken use the phrase that, “the background became the foreground”.

You may have participated in guided meditations that instructed you to pay attention to the sensations in your body, moving from your feet up through the body to the top of your head. The guide may have then asked that you become aware of the sounds in the room, then sights and colors, and sometimes even taste and smells. I can’t recall anyone saying this but isn’t this meditation directing you to this background awareness that I’m pointing to? Asking you bring it to the foreground?

A similar practice is called wide awareness. Usually when looking at the world your attention is focused on the center of your visual field. In wide awareness you take in the entire visual field, from its center to periphery. Once in wide awareness it is easy to include your other senses.

Personally, I’ve noticed that wide awareness allows me to recall scenes I viewed when out walking or on a bike ride. It’s sort of a wide awareness photograph that I could recall whenever I needed a quick break at work. I’m not saying that the image was recalled in minute detail. But as memories go these ‘photos’ do last longer than others.

Memory making aside, once you’re acquainted with just listening for the stream, or whatever form it takes for you (such as wide awareness), become curious about it. Start to investigate it. Is it there all the time? Is it there before a bird chirps? While you’re sleeping? Is it associated with any feeling or sensation? Does it consider anything good or bad, or is it an impersonal, non-judging awareness?

One teacher I heard asked what color it was. A question that didn’t resonant with me but if it does with you then go for it. If you’re into more esoteric questions you can ask whether it moves or is non-moving. The idea is to ask the questions that make you curious. Not to follow some instruction that feels dry.

Like the Zen story, this post is meant to give you an entry point to Zen or your true nature. Seeing it as your background awareness is the simplest realization of it you can have. Being curious about it will lead to deeper understandings and realizations. But it all starts with listening for a stream.

[liberatingallselves]

Meditation 101

A basic meditation practice asks that you place your attention in the present moment and that each time you become distracted from it by a thought that you acknowledge it as “thought” or “thinking,” then turn your attention back to the present moment. In its essence I believe that this practice is all you need do to awaken to your true nature.

This practice involves a polarity where the present moment, defined as the “direct experience” that comes through your senses, lies at one pole. While “conceptual experience,” that is, all order of thought which includes concepts, opinions, beliefs, conditioning, and emotions, lies at the other pole. Most times, conceptual experience is superimposed over direct experience acting like a filter that clouds or distorts your direct experience of reality.

Without utilizing a practice as described above, most people will not make any distinctions between their direct and conceptual experiences. They’ll go about their lives believing that what they think about themselves and the world is reality. They’ve forgotten that thoughts are internal statements made about reality and not reality, itself.

In this confused or deluded state people react to what they think is happening instead of what’s really happening. This is what the Belgian surrealist painter René Magritte was getting at in his painting commonly known as “This Is Not a Pipe.” It is an image of a pipe that, intriguingly, is official called “The Treachery of Images.”

The basic meditation instruction described here is a means of disentangling thought from reality so that you may directly experience the world as it truly is. But it’s more than that. It’s a way of disentangling all that you mistakenly think and believe about yourself so that you directly experience what you truly are, that is, your true nature.

Having given this brief overview of meditation let’s look at some of the forms it can take.

The first form to learn about is sitting with good posture as a means to staying awake and alert. It’s recommended that you sit on the floor or ground with legs crossed in a lotus position. Alternatively, you could sit with your buttocks on your heels in a kneeling position using a cushion. Hands are held on the lap with the left hand in the palm of the right and your thumbs touching. If you are unable to take either position then sit in a chair with your feet on the floor. Whichever position you take keep your back straight and your eyes open or partially open, looking slightly down. Finally, breath through your nose naturally without trying to control your breath.

Having taken the sitting position most suitable, some instructions have you focus on your breathing, either just observing it or counting the breaths up to ten and then starting over again at one. If you lose count before reaching ten, start over at one.

After gaining some proficiency at staying with the breath you may find your attention has naturally moved into the present moment. When this happens, you need no longer focus on your breathing, only returning to it if necessary during times of distraction.

These instructions are designed to calm the mind through concentration as well as develop your ability to sit for longer periods of time. But don’t think of this as a linear progression where you get better with each sitting. It’s not. Over time you will improve but on a day-to-day basis your meditation will vary.

As simple as this all sounds in theory, it is often difficult to put into practice. The average mind is not used to sitting and doing what seems to be nothing. It will argue that you are wasting your time and that there are more important things to do. As most beginners find that they are thinking more and not less with this practice, they may believe that they are doing something wrong, that they need to find a better method, or a different teacher. Sometimes you may need to find a practice more suitable to your nature but if you’re continually jumping from one method to another then consider the possibility that your mind has tricked you into living a life of distraction.

In Eastern traditions the mind’s constant need to interrupt and distract is called Monkey Mind. The name came from observing how monkeys act in the wild, going from one thing to another constantly bickering and making noise, seemingly without aim or purpose. I recently had a dream in which each time I began to say something my brother would interrupt, speaking over what I had to say. It’s kind of funny how my dreaming self found a way to gently point out my own monkey mind by projecting it upon my brother.

One mistake beginners make is to assume that a successful meditation is one in which no thoughts arise at all during a sitting. This is not so. True practice revolves around the continuous movement of attention between thought and the present moment.

There is no need to stop thinking. The aim is to stop being distracted by thinking. To illustrate, if in my dream I were to have used the instructions given in basic meditation I would have simply acknowledged my brother’s interruption and then continued speaking. At first, he would have continued to interrupt but gradually he would have stopped interrupting and moved away. Practice isn’t about stopping thought so much as letting thought move into the background.

Once you’ve become adept at sitting with your attention in the present moment try adding other methods like self-inquiry. Ask, “Who am I?” “What am I?” Or even “Where am I?” without looking for a conceptual or thought-based answer.

Or you could take up a Zen koan like ‘MU’ and ask yourself, “What is Mu?” Or Shikantaza (also called ‘just sitting”) in which there is no method; you just sit. In a way, Shikantaza is the very apex of meditation, for all you’re doing is just sitting in the present moment.

Finally, let me add that there is no harm in alternating between different practices depending on what is appropriate in the present moment. If your monkey mind is creating a thought storm, counting your breath might be more appropriate than asking who am I. Or, after doing some self-inquiry or intense concentration on MU, it may be best to just sit. There is no one size fits all situations and all people. Find what is best for you keeping in mind that whatever meditation you choose, it all comes back to being in the present moment.

[liberatingallselves]

August Meditations MMXXIV

My writer’s block continued this past year. It’s difficult to put down in words the thoughts that stream through my mind. They’re like clouds that continually change shape on a windy day. What appears as a fully formed idea in one moment quickly changes adding new perspectives on what was just said. Nothing in this stream lasts for more than a moment. Yet I persist in trying to capture it. Why?

I did post once and was writing another when a new illness intervened. I won’t bother you with the details. Except to say that it made finishing the new post impossible. I may try it again later if it seems relevant.

I intended to remove some of the old posts in this blog but didn’t get to that either. Hard to believe I’ve been at this for 14 years. And that it’s only been in the last couple of years that any of this has really begun to sink in. Now if experience only caught up with intellectual understanding. After all these years there is yet to be a significant switch in identity. No, “Aha!” moment. More like water dripping on pebble on a beach somewhere, slowly grinding it into sand. ‘Was I born to early,” I ask myself, “to be one of those who awaken in this new era of Awakenings that I find myself in?”

Looking back over the past year I see that I’ve for the most part I stopped reading spiritual material. I’ve also cut back on watching spiritual speakers on Youtube. I’m not sure if that’s due to spiritual laziness, the ego resisting its own dissolution, or if some unconscious incubation mechanism is at work that will lead to a later realization.

When I turn to thought I do see more clearly than ever that the ones that use the “I” word are not me. But this doesn’t create a fascination for discovering my true nature. I find that odd. Yet at the same time I’m aware that any attempt to look for my true nature will only produce another collection of thoughts centered around the word “I.” And what good is that?

It is indisputable that true nature cannot be thought. It’s that which is aware of thought but when the mind turns to it, i.e., awareness or consciousness, it automatically treats it as a thought. It can do no other being that the mind is a thinking machine. And following the mind in that endeavour ultimately leads to dissatisfaction, aka, suffering. I’m beginning to see why Zen Master Bankei said that “All things are perfectly resolved in the Unborn.” There can be no resolution through the mind being that’s where thoughts, and perhaps the entire universe, is born.

That’s not to say that there is no place for thought. Beyond their usefulness in solving everyday practical problems, they can be useful pointers to true nature. But once you’ve seen where they’re pointing there is no reason to keep on pointing, is there? As Gangagi might say, at that point you just stop.

What is left when you stop? True, thinking continues but it no longer is a distraction. Distraction from what, you ask. Well, from the present moment. From the sensations in your body. The sounds in the air. The sights before you. All those physical sensations that make up the present moment. And there’s no need to think about it. But what, you ask, if there is some real physical danger in your present moment? What if a tiger jumps out of the forest? Shouldn’t you have a plan of escape ready? Well, it is a fact that if you take a moment to recall that plan then it’s likely the tiger will be upon you. The human body is born of a thousand, thousand generations of learning how to respond automatically to physical danger. It doesn’t need a mental plan when faced with a tiger, it just responds. Trust it to do its thing. Don’t fall into a mind trap.

When not distracted by thought attention turns to the immediate moment. For most of us mind will immediately start up again. When it does just return your attention to the present moment and keep returning. Even when the mind tells you there’s nothing there, that it’s boring, or that you should do some important thing first, keep returning to the sounds in the air, the sensations in your body, to your breathing. That’s where the real gold is.

Turning attention away from thought and towards sensation is becoming aware of awareness. Or might I say, awaring? There is no special thing called awareness that is separate from the forms that you are aware of. Thinking there is a separate awareness is just another mind trap meant to keep you going in circles. So don’t look for it. Just see that it is already here.

Years ago, I read that meditation is the practice of turning your attention away from thought towards the present moment. Reading that, my mind went on a journey to discover what that meant. “What is the present moment?” I asked. “What is the best way to turn away from thought?” “How do I stop thinking?” These and other questions were pondered, taking me further and further away from the very thing I sought. Now I know that if you just continually turn your attention away from thought (when there is no practical reason to think) and turn your attention back to the sensations of the present moment, that this practice will carry you all the way to the far shore to your true nature. And that you’ve always been on the far shore to begin with.

Maybe that’s why I read less and watch fewer Youtube teachers. Because there’s a part of me that understands that these activities only take me into my mind and away from present moment consciousness. Or maybe I am just lazy. No need to think about it, I guess.

[liberatingallselves]

The Sky of Mind with Graphs.

I’ve been considering analogies that represent thought arising in consciousness like clouds in a blue sky or words written on a white sheet of paper. They are direct pointers to the shift in consciousness called awakening whose meaning may be overlooked due to their familiarity. I thought I’d try and re-empower these analogies by introducing another, that of graphs or grids.

There are many kinds of graphs: bar graphs, pie charts, histograms, scatter plot, etc. All are used to organize large amounts of data to derive general statements and predictions. They are in a true sense, visual representations of human thought and how the human mind gathers and processes information to navigate the world.

The graph I’m interested in is the xy graph and the grid it forms from the lines that extend perpendicular from each axis. In mathematics, these lines are one-dimensional and where they intersect they contain no information other than location. In fact, the ‘point’ at which they meet is dimensionless having no height, width, or length.

A grid with the properties just described is, in my estimation, an excellent representation of what a seeker finds when engaged in self-inquiry to uncover her true nature. Asking the question “What,” or “Who,” or “Where am I?” she finds lines of thought interacting with streams of sensation that create a sense of self expressed in ‘I’ thoughts such as, “I am hungry,” or “I am young.” These seem to indicate a location for the self behind the eyes but upon deeper inquiry our seeker is unable to find anything there that isn’t just more thoughts and sensations. In terms of the analogy, she discovers that the self is like a point on a graph that has no dimensions. This point-I, as Franklin Merrell-Wolfe called it, is formless emptiness.

Self-inquiry does not stop there. Now our seeker must go beyond the grids and graphs of her thinking mind to investigate the space in which they arise. The background that holds the content must come to the foreground and the foreground become the background.

Various techniques exist to aid in this investigation. Our seeker may turn her attention to the gap that exists where one thought ends, and another begins. Or to where one breath ends, and another begins. Or at the space between the objects in her visual field (sometimes called not being aware of anything in particular). Or she may simply ask, “Am I aware?” It is with this question that we begin to see that the space our seeker is investigating is awareness, itself. And that she is being asked to become aware of awareness.

A similar practice to those already described is called wide awareness. Wide awareness is the simple practice of expanding awareness to take in the entire field of experience. For example, instead of being focused on a point in the center of your field of vision, you take in its entirety. The same may be done with sounds and bodily sensations usually confined to the periphery of your attention. Becoming aware of the sensations in the body from toe to head is often done in guided meditations. I can honestly say that before I understood it, I saw this as something preliminary to meditation, thus missing its true significance.

Wide awareness is a simple practice that can be done throughout the day as you wait in line, stand in an elevator, or walk on a beach. Franklin Merrell-Wolfe might have described it as an expansion of point-I awareness into space-I consciousness. Others may call it placing your attention in spacious awareness. But don’t overthink this. What’s being pointed to here is a simple turning of attention to what is usually in the background such as your breath or the sound of your feet touching the ground. Let these come to the foreground. That’s all that being aware of awareness means here.  

In our analogy, the space-I is the space in which a graph is drawn, and the point-I is the point where two lines intersect. When a graph is removed from its background it becomes impossible to locate any point that lay on it. That’s because points have no dimensions. Similarly, when the dimensionless point-I is no longer identified with thought and sensation it is seen to be indistinguishable from the boundless space-I. The point-I only seemed to have a location in the space-I because of the mind’s graphs (i.e., thoughts).

Bringing it back home, the simple analogy of clouds in the sky representing thoughts in consciousness points to the underlying reality that is our true nature. Like the sky it is here all the time, but we do not recognize it because of our preoccupation with thought. When attention turns away from thought and rests in awareness, we start to dis-identify with thought. Thereby placing ourselves in a position where we may see the underlying unity and that we are not separate from it.

I end by saying that all that is written here is a graph of thought. Understanding it intellectually is not awakening. Indeed, a full understanding would indicate that while reading you were more focused on the virtual paper on which it is written than on the words themselves. In any event, I hope that the next time you look at the clouds, you see the sky.

[liberatingallselves]

August Meditations MMXXIII

Another year has come and gone. Anyone who comes across this site may notice that I haven’t made any new entries in several months. I’ve had a serious case of writer’s block. In addition, there are so many Youtube sites on waking up and enlightenment that I question whether there is any interest in the written word anymore. Why read when you can listen on your device while walking in nature or driving a car?

Regarding the events of the past year, I attended two on-line retreats. One in January and the other this past July. The former came after two months of being housebound due to a fractured pelvis. I had been out for a walk on a sunny November day when I slipped on a small patch of slime on a foot bridge.

Prior to my fall I had been taking pictures and had come across a fellow doing the same. It was interesting the way we met. He rather unexpectedly appeared a tad behind me on the path on which I stood taking in the view. As I could see quite a way down the path, I wondered how I could have missed seeing his bright, neon-red coat before.

When he caught up to me, he told me of his interest in bird photography. As he was new to the area, I gave him the benefit of my knowledge on other locations where he might indulge his passion. We parted with him saying he was going to stay where he was as he thought it a good location to find birds. After I fell, I was able to get up but found I could not walk. As I stood there alone I spotted him in the distance walking along the path I had just come.

I called and when he came over, I explained that I had fallen. There was a brief attempt to help me to the parking lot but even leaning on him I could not walk. I asked him to call an ambulance after which he went to the parking lot entrance to flag it down when it came. A very generous offer because as it turned out it took over 90 minutes for it to arrive.

While I waited on the footbridge others came along wanting to cross the bridge. I warned them of the danger of slipping as they passed. I kept doing this until a woman came up behind me. I was a bit surprised to see her as I had just looked behind me and hadn’t seen her coming along the bridge. She offered to wait with me till the ambulance came. Not knowing the full extent of my injury, I decided it would be a good idea for her to stay.

In the first call to 911 the ambulance was directed to come to the parking lot but as I waited with the young woman, I realized that the park I was in had two parking lots. I mentioned this to her, and she called 911 to tell them to come to the second lot. After a time, she went to update my first helper waiting at the parking lot entrance before returning to stay with me again.

When the ambulance came, I parted with my helpers and was taken to the local hospital emergency room. When an x-ray showed no signs of an injury the ER doctor tried to send me home on crutches but when my brain gave my legs the signal to walk, they wouldn’t budge. This prompted the doctor to order a CT scan which then showed the fracture.

After many hours of waiting, I was given a bed in the ER. The next day I was transferred to a bed in the main part of the hospital. The room I was put in had five other people in it, all of whom had been in those beds for days and one for weeks. That evening I had a strange experience. Whereas during the day I had seen these people as rather unfortunate that evening I suddenly saw them as powerful, spiritual beings of light who had chosen to be in those beds at that time in their human lives to help others. How they could help I did not know.

This mini vision started me wondering about the two people who helped me in the park. Both arrived just after I had looked in the direction from which they came but saw no one. Both gave me the support I needed when they could have just walked by. Were these two also powerful, spiritual beings?

Perhaps you’ve heard stories of someone in an accident finding that one of the bystanders is a doctor. That an ambulance or firetruck was in the immediate vicinity when the accident occurred. Or some other such stroke of luck occurring to aid a person just when they needed it. But is it luck? Or is something else at work here?

Is it not possible that in a universe ruled by dependent origination that we get the help we need to progress along whatever path we choose to walk? And that this help may be given by ordinary people who, knowingly or unknowingly, are powerful spiritual beings? I find it hard to believe that the two who came to my immediate aid just popped up out of nowhere. But then why did I not see them coming up behind me when I had just looked in that direction?

[liberatingallselves]

August Meditations MMXXII

This month marks a decade for August Meditations. Ten years of wandering through the forest with still a desert and an unscalable peak ahead, as someone once described the Path. Perhaps I’m in the desert now, as many things have dropped away. I’ve written fewer posts in the last year. I’ve downsized my living conditions and social interactions. And concepts around who I am are starting to fall away.

For a brief instant I saw my true nature in relation to the self that I always believed I was. Just a glimpse, like that of the coyote that passed outside my window this morning. One moment there and the next the path he ran down was clear. The kind of thing that if you don’t make note of, you’ll forget happened before morning’s end.

The forest referred to above was that part of the Path where, having heard of awakening, I sought to learn all I could about it. That came to a crashing halt when in the middle of the pandemic I began watching ConsciousTV where, time and again, various speakers said there was no self and that nothing could be done to cause an awakening. This left me despondent for a few months. Was all I had been doing a waste?

Around that time, I came across a young woman who clearly had an awakening. I began listening to her YouTube talks, wanting to hear more of her direct experience. After a while it became apparent that her expression of the awakening lacked depth. Her lack of knowledge of various spiritual teachings and basic human psychology meant she couldn’t talk of it in a meaningful way. She also lacked empathy and compassion for the suffering of others. Perhaps because she hadn’t gone through much hardship herself.

I concluded that despite what the non-dualist on ConsciousTV were saying that some knowledge of spiritual traditions and its practice is important. Then, as often happens when walking the Path, I came across Angelo Dilullo’s book, Awake: It’s Your Turn, and his Youtube site, Simply Always Awake. Here, if ever there was one, is a man whose knowledge is expressed as practice.

I’m reading Dilullo’s book for the second time now and incorporating his teaching into my own practice, but there’s much there and I’ve only scratched the surface. Not since Franklin Merrell-Wolfe have I come across someone who has been so clear. Even if you’re only interested in practice from a psychological point of view, I recommend him to you. More importantly, I recommend taking whatever you do know about the spiritual path and putting it into practice. As the late Edgar Cayce once said, “Knowledge not used is sin.”

That’s the last year in a nutshell, spiritually speaking. I add that this year I’ve had yet another physical malady or two. It seems that every year brings a new one. This summer, though, things have been good and I’m hoping that this year’s medical problems are behind me. As to the coming year, there comes a time in life when the future starts to fade, and the present moment comes more into focus. A moment where a coyote runs bold as brass by my door, an eagle lands on the beach ahead of me, and hummingbirds visit the feeder on my balcony. It’s said awakening can’t happen in the future but can only happen now. That because what you awaken too is exactly what’s happening in the present moment. That enlightenment is the now.

[liberatingallselves]

The Post-it Note I.

A while back I was sitting in meditation, watching my thoughts. Sometimes I’d get caught up in one and not realize that I was following it for several seconds or minutes. Other times I held one before me for investigation. Not to develop a line of thinking around it but simply to see it as it presented itself to me in the moment.

I could see that the thoughts I was investigating were overlaid with another. There was the thought, and overtop that thought was another in the form of a vague image or sense of self. It was apparent that this overlay was the reason why I believed that I was my thoughts.

I humorously concluded that it was as if somewhere there was a Post-it Note pad that had the letter “I” written on each sheet. As a thought arose a note would be taken off the pad and stuck to it. With the note firmly attached the mind could then say, “I am sad.” “I am right.” “I am wrong.” Etc.

I continued to look at this and began to see that what I called my self was just a collection of post-it notes. What, I wondered, would happen if I removed one of the notes? Would the thought be seen as just a thought? And if all post-it notes were removed, would there be a me left?

I tend to think that projecting a sense of self onto thought comes from the need to step back from a thought to see it. Stepping backward implies that there is something or someone who is stepping back. This assumption creates the sense of a self that stands in opposition to the perceived object.

Once a self is assumed the mind seeks to identify it. This results in some thoughts being seen as ‘me’ while others are pushed away. To use my analogy again, those seen as self are ones that have post-it notes attached. What’s not so readily seen is that the sense of self is also a thought. It is also a post-it note, but one that has a big “I” written on it. Around this all other post-it notes are arranged to create an identity of a person who is of a particular race, religion, gender, funny or serious, extrovert or introvert, etc.

The post-it note with the big I is, so to speak, wrapped around that which looks through the eyes and hears through the ears. This is the power of awareness that, properly speaking, is the true Self with a capital S. The aim of spiritual practice is to see through all the post-it notes right down to the Self and recognize it as your true nature. The mind, however, sees this as the death of self and naturally resists with a myriad of defense strategies. It isn’t really a death, though, so much as a return to that which you always know you are deep down inside, i.e., empty awareness. But the mind nevertheless clings to its post-it note identity to stay alive.

Seeing myself as a collection of post-it notes has loosened my attachment to thought and the feeling that I must defend my imaginary self. Just seeing all thought as thought, including the sense of self as a thought, does tend to lead awareness to turn back on itself to discover its true nature. Self that is unbounded by thought.

[liberatingallselves]

The “I” Thought.

Most of us have no memories of the first two to two and a half years of our lives. Medical doctors would say it is due to our brains not being completely developed. Non-dualists suggest that it is due to consciousness being homogenous and non-localized. Meaning that there is no experience of a separate self or separate objects located in space, so there is nothing to form memories.

Non-dualists go on to say that early in life consciousness contracts, likely in response to its growing identification with the body that naturally contracts in response to sound, hunger, hot and cold or other sensations. In contracting, consciousness pulls away from itself or polarizes. At one end of the pole are objects seen as separate things. At the other end is the subject to all objects that is experienced as separate from objects. This polarization is the birth of Subject/Object Consciousness.

When subject/object consciousness arises, the mind starts to name all it sees, much as Adam did in the Bible when God set all creatures before him. What’s generally not recognized is that the mind also seeks to name the subject to all objects and give it an identity. The subject, however, is nothing like an object. Objects can be seen with the eyes, heard with the ears, and sensed in other ways. The subject, on the other hand, has no objective qualities. To the mind it is a complete mystery, a void. That is a problem for a mind that is made to solve mysteries by naming and identifying things.

To resolve this mystery the mind leaps to the erroneous conclusion that the subject is an object like any other object. It furthers this error by identifying the subject with the body and emotions. Over time this identity becomes quite elaborate as family and cultural beliefs are added. Underlying all of this me and mine stuff, however, is the one original thought: the “I” thought.

The I thought is just that, a thought. Whereas most thoughts point to something, like the word apple points to a specific objective experience, the I thought doesn’t point to anything. You may argue that it points to the opposite of all things but if you take that apart you’ll quickly realize that the opposite of everything is nothing. A nothing that the mind calls I.

Let’s approach that again. Your original face before you were born, as phrased in Zen Buddhism, is non-localized consciousness. When it contracts an altered state of consciousness is created in which objects are seen to arise in opposition to a subject that has no objective qualities and so appears as a void.  The mind, being unable to comprehend this void, identifies it as me or I. But a name is nothing more than a thought. In this case, a thought that points to nothing. There is no you. Sit with that. Let it sink in.

[liberatingallselves]

A Post On Nothing.

(Your) True nature is emptiness. It is the eye that cannot see itself. The knife that cannot slice itself. It is the subject to all objects that is never itself an object. Being thus, why seek it through knowledge or experience?

When people are first told of their true nature, they seek to know more. In doing so they take the first step on the journey of a thousand miles that leads nowhere. They fill their heads with knowledge through reading and by listening to various teachers. They take up spiritual practice through which they have beautiful experiences; wondrous ones of Unity, Joy, and Love. But that’s all they are, experiences. Your true nature isn’t an experience. It isn’t knowledge.

True nature is indescribable and ineffable. “Looked for, it cannot be found. Listened for, it cannot be heard. Felt for, it cannot be grasped,” said Lao Tzu. Even though he wrote these words centuries ago, those on the spiritual path still look for it. They look for some special experience called Enlightenment, Higher Consciousness, God, or Truth. The names given It are many but, “The name that can be named is not the eternal name.”

There is nothing wrong with seeking except the seeking itself. That is why the practice of Neti Neti (“not this, not that”) meditation is highly recommended, for in it even the search is let go. Or Shikantaza in which one just sits without searching. Not looking for something special. Not seeking some subtle experience. Not fixing yourself. Whatever happens is allowed to arise and fall away by itself, without grasping or pushing away. Any action on your part, even trying to stop action, is just another step on the dead-end journey of a thousand miles. So, just sit.

It is said that anyone may realize their true nature in an instant. Right now. Without doing a thing. Without reading a thousand scriptures. Without practicing for years on end. Without fixing a thing about youself. The reason for this is simple. There is nothing to be found. You, the eye that cannot see itself, are already it! Already here!

True nature is sometimes called awareness or consciousness. But this is just a name. If you look for awareness you will not find it. “Oh!”, but you say, “I am aware.” But if you really look, you’ll discover that what you call awareness are the objects in awareness. The words you’re reading now. The chair you’re sitting on. The birds singing outside. From your experience of them the mind reflects and concludes that you are aware. But it cannot say what that awareness it. Awareness, or consciousness, is always the unseen, unknowable subject to all objects.  

Awareness is sometimes referred to as the white paper upon which words are written. In this analogy words symbolize any object of experience, be it gross or subtle. Desires, thoughts, emotions, relationships, your problems, etc. These objects of awareness take attention away from that which is always here and upon which all things depend. It is only when something stops you in the present moment that you may become aware of the paper. Be it a tragedy. A glorious sunset. A pebble hitting a bamboo stick. Or even simply being asked, “Are you aware, right now? Then you become aware of being aware. You see the whiteness of the paper.

To help us stop and see the paper, the sages of old gave us various meditation practices that suit our individual needs. Not to start us on a journey of a thousand miles, but to have us just be in the present moment. The mind, however, being accustomed to doing things, looking for things, learning things and having experiences, wants to turn these practices into a search for something else. And in so doing our attention is taken away from the now. No wonder we don’t see it!

Stop looking. Stop seeking some special knowledge that will act as the key. Even when you have the most profound experience you could not even have imagined, let it go. That’s not it. Any object of experience is not your true nature. Your true nature is nothing at all.

[liberatingallselves]

Unconditional Love.

Previously, I compared the ground of being to the background awareness that exists in everyone. This background awareness is always here, always aware of whatever the senses are taking in, your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations.

It is easy to find this awareness. Simply turn your attention to something in your immediate experience other than what you are presently attending to. When you do, you discover that you were already aware of it. That, for instance, when you turn your attention to the breath, you find that there was already an awareness of your breathing in the background of your mind, you just weren’t aware of being aware of it.

A singular trait of the background awareness is that it takes in and accepts whatever is presented. It does not judge things as good or bad. It does not favour one thing over another. It is completely accepting of whatever arises and, as such, it may be described as pure, unconditional love for all things.

In contrast to this unconditional love is the ego-mind that constantly judges things as for or against the self (or indifferent to it). This constant judging is intimately connected to the body’s survival instinct. When there is a physical threat to the body its built-in defence mechanisms kick in. The body tenses and contracts as it prepares for fight or flight. The same reaction occurs when something is judged to be bad or against the ego’s self-image. When beliefs are threatened or the way you see yourself is attacked, contractions are felt in the body. Additionally, all the other ego defence strategies come online. Strategies that are mostly conditioned responses created in childhood and are therefore often inappropriate to the conditions existing in the present moment.

We may imagine the ego as a contraction in a boundless sea of awareness that is the ground of being. In contracting away from the ocean, the ego sees itself as separate from it. The unconditional acceptance or love that is your true nature is no longer felt. Rather, you grasp at things that are seen to enhance your ego, while pushing away that which is a threat. You are no longer one with your true nature or the world.

As the apparent separation from your true nature began with a simple contraction felt in the body, it would seem apparent that returning to your true nature would start by simply learning how to relax. Learning patience, acceptance and tolerance would follow. As grasping is also a form of contracting, learning to let go and be satisfied with things as they are would also contribute to the return to your true nature. Growing out of all this we see the justification for such things as passive resistance, kindness, and compassion. All things recommended by true sages throughout history.

Self-observation is also beneficial in that through watching where you tend to grasp or push things away you will learn where you need to relax, let go and be vulnerable. The ego, you see, has spent a lifetime learning to hide its vulnerabilities both from itself and others. Though it desperately wants to return to that unconditional love, it also feels that it is too vulnerable, too unworthy to receive that love. Having spent an entire lifetime judging, it expects to be judged upon its return to its true nature. Yet, as stated at the start of this post, that background awareness that is your true nature unconditionally accepts everything, even the apparent you that feels itself to be unworthy.

The next time you tune into your background awareness, see how it accepts everything even if your ego wishes to push it away. And then realize that this ground of being must therefore also accept you for its very nature, your very nature, is unconditional love. Then rest there.

[liberatingallselves]

August Meditations MMXXI

It’s been nine years since I started August Mediations. Its beginning coincidentally marked the start of monumental changes in my outer life that continue today. Health matters and deaths in my birth family, some sudden, some protracted, are the mainstay of these changes. The passing of my mother finally led to my becoming the executor of her estate. A matter that will soon end and, perhaps, mark the end of this cycle in my life.

I would be remiss if I didn’t include in these changes the Covid-19 pandemic that continues in the world today. The ensuing social isolation that it brought led me to the internet where I found much material on non-duality. Non-duality, or Advaita Vedānta, is a school of Hindu philosophy that refers to the idea that Consciousness alone is real and the self an illusion.

A central point of non-duality is that there is nothing that the self can do to cause enlightenment. An idea that I was not unfamiliar with but which I never explored in depth. The material I found on the internet was irrefutable. Sage after sage confirmed that nothing they ever did, no meditation, no chanting, no selfless service caused their enlightenment. Many, in fact, even denied there was such a thing as enlightenment, citing only that there had been a ‘change in perspective’ that accompanied the realization that there is no self.

Being unable to deny what the non-dualists said brought about a low-level depression in me that lasted for most of the summer and early fall of 2020. An understandable result of realizing that there was absolutely nothing I could do to fulfill what I always saw as my life’s purpose. With this, however, came the growing realization that there was also no need to fix anything. The grace that leads to your true nature comes regardless of one’s mental or physical state. In fact, it comes in woe as easily as in joy.

I came out of my depression realizing that despite what the non-dualist were saying, there is a place for spiritual practice. Those who realized no self without any former spiritual practice or knowledge often found themselves unable to comprehend what had happened. It took years to integrate their sudden enlightenment into their lives. It’s true that none would say that had they had a spiritual practice it would have been easier. But that positioned seemed to rise mostly from an unwillingness to speculate about what may or may not have been. Non-dualists, you see, are big on ‘what is,’ not on what may have been in the past or may be in the future.

Once I got past the idea that my spiritual practice was a wasted effort, I began to see that much of what I had been doing could fall under the category of integrating my shadow into conscious awareness. In analytical psychology, the shadow is either an unconscious aspect of the personality that the conscious ego does not identify as itself, or the entirety of the unconscious, i.e., everything of which a person is not fully conscious. In short, the shadow is the unknown side.

Non-dualists generally agree that integration of the shadow follows the realization that there is no self. What integration means, however, is not clear. At least not from what I’ve come across. For me it’s involved facing fear. A fear of inadequacy that, if seen, would result in various catastrophic outcomes. The worst of which being loss of control and physical death. All of which are core fears of an ego that ultimately knows it is an illusion but desperately seeks to keep its identity intact.

It is not surprising that the last nine years have brought many opportunities to see through my feelings of inadequacy. Taking care of my mother in the last five years of her life and now wrapping up the estate during a pandemic has provided me ample proof that I can handle life as it’s presented to me. The health problems that brought me close to death did likewise, although I must admit I’ve still a ways to go.

Despite what the non-dualists say, I do believe that there is a place for spiritual practice. And I’m not entirely convinced that there is no self. Certainly, the ego as a complex web of thought and emotion is ultimately unreal. Much in not all of it does dissolve when the ‘shift in perspective’ gracefully comes about. But is it not possible that a non-conceptual, non-localized Self continues? Whatever that means?

So, to wrap up this post, another year of August Meditations begins with this page. As this past year found me less motivated to continue the site it may be that this coming year will find that I stop posting altogether. Who knows? Maybe stopping, as Gangaji said, is the only way to realize one’s true nature?  

[liberatingallselves]

Silence

It may not be readily evident in these posts, but in the last while I’ve been trying to simplify things. The last post was an attempt to show that what some call the ground of being is more easily understood as the background awareness that exists in everyone but is seldom noticed. It is found when you turn your attention to a thing and find that you were already aware of it, you just weren’t aware that you were aware of it. That which is aware before you become aware of being aware is the ground of being.

Silence is a variant of the ground of being. It, too, is something that is always here but seldom noticed. When a sound, any sound, arises, it arises against a background of silence. When the sound leaves, the silence is still there. Only in our age there is so much noise that we seldom notice it.

There are times when the silence is heard and heard very loudly. I’m referring to those times when a persistent noise that is perhaps somewhat annoying suddenly stops. The gap or absence of sound that follows is the silence that is always here.

In Pathways Through to Space, Franklin Merrell-Wolff spoke of an instance of silence that is familiar to many. He was describing a trip to a symphony where, when the music ended, there followed what he called the music’s “nirvanic counterpart.” I’m sure you’ve had similar experiences yourself when something quieted your thoughts and left you with a sense of uplifted well-being. That is an experience of silence.

Perhaps you’ve had a guided meditation in which you were asked to follow the sound of a gong or bell until it faded into silence. Admittedly, I didn’t really understand what the guide was trying to get at when I first had that instruction. It took a while for me to realize that I was being directed to the silence that I was then to rest in. The idea being that the more I found this silence, the more I’d be able to rest in it even when surrounded by noise. (Especially the noise of my own thoughts.)

In large part my inability to recognize silence came from a false assumption. That it (like the ground of being) was some grand experience. Even though realized men and women kept saying that what I was searching for is closer than the nose on my face. That it is ever-present or “just this.” I kept looking for something special that wasn’t here, now. Dissolving this false preconception is what motivated me to simplify my understanding about what this search for my true nature is all about.

Silence, like the background awareness, is always here. In fact, you could say that silence is the background awareness listening. Or, more simply, that when you follow the sound of a bell, when it fades off what remains is the listening.

Like the background awareness, when you turn your attention to a sound you find that you were already listening to it. You just weren’t aware that you were listening to it till that moment. And, of particular interest, you are listening in silence. What I mean by this is that when you listen to something you stop. Your thinking stops and you’re resting in silence as you listen. Go ahead. Try it right now. Turn your attention to some sound and notice that when you truly listen, your mind has stopped thinking. And that the moment you start thinking again, the sound falls into the background.

The mind’s constant chatter and looking for something else to do or hear is the main reason we don’t notice that all sound arises out of and dissolves back into silence. Not in a mysterious manner but simply as a function of how sound always exists against a background of silence. That non-mysterious silence is the ground of being. It is the silence of which the mystic Jakob Böhme said, “If you could be silent from all willing and thinking for one hour, you would hear God's inexpressible words.”

[liberatingallselves]

The Ground of Being

When reading spiritual material, you may have come across a reference to the ground of being or the ground of awareness and wondered what that meant. I tended to associate it with something vast, as the word ‘ground’ implied a foundation that underlies everything. Seeing it that way I searched for something in my experience that was vast but couldn’t find it.

Further analysis revealed that anything that underlies everything must be here and here right now. That I failed to find it, I thought, could be a case of being unable to see the forest for the trees. Or like the time I was trying to point out some quails, but my brother could only see the leaves they were sitting behind. This, in turn, reminded me of what people who’ve had an awakening say. That what was revealed was so obvious that they don’t know how they missed it all their lives.

So. What is here, right now, and but easily overlooked? Let’s first address the latter part of this question and ask under what conditions we may overlook a thing. One answer is that something else has our attention, as with my brother who was so focussed on the leaves that he couldn’t see the quails. Sometimes spiritual writers refer to this in the context of words written on a page. The whiteness of the page is clearly there but the reader only sees the words. Should someone come along and point to the paper he may acknowledge it but then quickly go back to what he was reading. It’s the words he values, even though without the paper the words would all fall to the floor in a heap.

This is what the search for the ground of being is like. It’s right before our eyes but we’re too busy looking for something vast, marvelous, or mysterious, and so we miss this one simple thing.

Years ago, I came across the phrase ‘aware of being aware.’ I described it then, as I have often since, in terms of becoming aware that when you turn your attention to something, like the beating of your heart or the birds singing in the distance, that you’ve been aware of it all along. You just weren’t aware that you were aware of it until you turned your attention to it.

This awareness that sits in the background is the ground of being or awareness. It is always here. It is always aware. And it doesn’t disappear if you’re not aware of it or when you’re asleep. We hardly ever notice it, though it may come to the foreground at times when out attention naturally falls upon leaves rustling in the wind or when we suddenly turn and catch sight of an owl silently darting across the twilight sky. At these times the noise of the mind falls away if only slightly and we experience a subtle, momentary sense of quiet or stillness.

This ground of being is what we seek in meditation but due to its simplicity, we often miss it or dismiss it in our search for some grand experience or deep knowledge that will ‘free’ us. But as Stephan Bodian wrote, “When I finally awakened to my essential nature, I looked back and realized that the innocent, open awareness with which I began my practice was in fact identical with the expansive, all-inclusive awareness that had subsequently awakened to itself through me.” (“Wake Up Now,” p83/4)

During an awakening experience the ground of being may seem very alive and intense. Having such an experience (or reading about one) may leave you to spend much time and effort trying to duplicate it. But it never left. It’s just fallen into the background where it continues to know everything that arises whether you are aware of it or not. All you need do is turn your attention to the very fact that you’re aware. All you need do is let awareness turn back upon itself.

So, what does this mean for you and your practice. Simply that as you go through the day take a moment every now and then to turn away from the usual chatter of your mind. Become aware of what you’re aware of in the background. It may be a small detail, something sitting on your desk or a sound in the distance. Or become aware of everything in your field of vision or everything you hear or whatever sensations are running through your body. The awareness of all these is already there. You don’t have to do anything special to recognize it. Just turn your awareness upon that awareness and rest in it. That’s it. That’s what the mystics are pointing at.

[liberatingallselves]

A Bumblebee’s Life.

I came down the driveway the other day and stopped in front of the house to look at the foxgloves growing in the garden. As I watched my attention was drawn to a bumblebee who was flitting about the flowers. She entered one, completely disappearing. After a moment she came out and darted about again until she found another foxglove to enter.

As she busied herself in the flower a slight shift in consciousness occurred. Nothing spectacular. Some things, concepts, I guess, fell away and I started seeing the bee’s activity in a new way. It had no individual motive. It didn’t have any personal goals to achieve. It was just following its basic programming instilled in it by evolution over countless generations. And at the end of its life, it would leave no individual mark on the world. It would just cease to exist and be forgotten. In the same way that most of humanity has been forgotten over time. And the same way I’ll be forgotten when my turn comes.

As I watched, a feeling came over me that the universe was nothing more than mechanical action taking place for no reason other than its own sake. It was as if I were seeing the universe as it is when there is no ego.

Latter it came to me that although this bumblebee was completely void of individual attainment that it was still serving a purpose. It was working for the good of its community of fellow bees and in the process fertilizing the plants and flowers that would create the next generation. The bumblebee was, in fact, serving the very Life that it was part of.

This morning I had my second dose of the Moderna vaccination. I got up early and walked to the vaccination site for my scheduled 7:20AM appointment. Arriving I was directed to the back of a long line that grew longer as I waited. We in the line moved in an orderly fashion as each group at the front of the line were admitted into the building. When my turn came, I entered a large gymnasium where I was directed to a seat walled on three sides with plexiglass.

After a time, a woman came and asked me some questions on a list. She then went over another list of what I might take if I got any reaction to the vaccine. She was followed by a man who stuck a needle in my arm and then instructed I wait 15 minutes before leaving. As I sat there, I looked across the gymnasium. Chairs like the one I was sitting in covered the floor. Each occupied seat had a man or a woman in it who were busily going over the same lists that the woman went over with me.

I could see that each person in the room was engrossed in their own thoughts, much as the bumblebee was when it disappeared into the foxglove. Over and above this, however, was something else. Whether they knew it or not each person had come to that gymnasium to serve Life. Not just their individual lives but the lives of every person in their community and, ultimately, the world.

Over countless generations people have lived and died without any of us remembering who they were. Most of us will meet that same fate. But when you put aside your own ego and its desire to stand apart from others, you see that we are all part of a Life that doesn’t care about individual goals and accomplishments. Its only care is Life, Itself. And if you put your ego aside, you’ll see that you are part of that great movement to preserve life for its own sake.

[liberatingallselves]

The Spontaneity of the SELF

The homogenous state of the newborn infant’s brain is one in which there is no preference for one thing over another. Waves of sensation arise via the senses, but these are felt to be equally the same. Distinctions are made when the body experiences hunger or changes in temperature but for the most part these arise and fall away without disturbing the original homogenous state.

After a time, the brain begins to favor certain states that are deemed pleasurable. In itself this isn’t significant but at some point the I-thought, or ego, arises and with it the beginning of grasping after pleasurable states with a similar pushing away of unpleasant states. The effect of this grasping and pushing away is to create a state of tension in the homogenous state which marks the beginning of suffering.

Of interest is that where the ego finds suffering the tendency is to push it away, which only increases the tension and suffering. If the ego would stop resisting and ease into it, the suffering would equally ease. But to the ego letting go and returning to the homogenous state is the equivalent of its own death, so, it ultimately cannot of its own devices totally let go and resolve what the Buddhists call the matter of life and death.

Psychedelic states produced by LSD have on occasion created the phenomenon known as “ego dissolution” or “ego death.” According to researchers, this state is associated with “a state of high global integration.”1 A state that I liken to the homogeneous state of the newborn infant’s brain.  

Once this state of global integration is experienced the tendency is to find a way to repeat it. Those who tried found the state could not be sustained by taking more LSD. Some went on to meditation. Practically all who then subsequently realized this state ultimately concluded its attainment was not a result of any action taken on their part. They often say it was realized only through an act of grace. Franklin Merrell-Wolff said of it that, “It is as simple as turning from the object of, to the subject to, all relative consciousness, plus the spontaneity of the SELF.” (p. 38 Pathways Through to Space)

It is often said that any effort made by the ego to realize the original homogenous state will fail because effort involves grasping and pushing away. Actions that create a state of tension that necessarily inhibit the state from being recognized. Put another way, any effort made by the ego to realize God fails because God can only be realized when the ego gets out of the way or dies.

With the dissolution of the ego there comes the opportunity for Realization but, paradoxically, this Realization is not made by the ego. At that point the ego doesn’t exist. Rather, the homogeneous state realizes itself. Or, as the mystic says, “Consciousness recognizes Consciousness.”

It should not be concluded from the above that effort is useless. Rather the above points to the need to make the effort to let go of effort. To relax and do as little as possible. Because no effort will lead to Self-realization, we can finally see why shikantaza (zazen) is said to be the highest form of meditation. In shikantaza, you utterly let go of doing anything except just sitting.

But here’s the rub. It may take years of working through your conditioning, old guilts, old traumas, all that stuff you’ve been grasping or pushing away, before you can just sit. And even then, there is no guarantee of the ultimate realization. That comes from Grace or, as Merrell-Wolff said, the spontaneity of the SELF. And that is not something the ego can control.

1. https://www.psypost.org/2021/01/neuroscience-study-indicates-that-lsd-frees-brain-activity-from-anatomical-constraints-59458

[liberatingallselves]

Ego and Self-Image.

“Being preoccupied with our self-image is like being deaf and blind. It's like standing in the middle of a vast field of wildflowers with a black hood over our heads. It's like coming upon a tree of singing birds while wearing earplugs.” -- Pema Chodron

We usually think of the self-image as our public face. As the mask we wear when standing in a crowd of strangers or at work. We like to think we can take it off when at home or with friends. But few of us take that mask off completely even in the company of those we trust. In the above quote Pema Chodron implies that self-image deadens us to the beauty of the world. So, why do keep our self-image? As I see it, it’s a matter of survival. Survival of the ego. Let me explain.

The ego arises out of the original homogeneous state of the infant brain as the thought, “I am I and no other.” Fearing it might dissolve back into that seeming nothingness the ego looks for something to support it. We could compare the ego’s predicament to that of a man struggling to stay afloat in a vast ocean. Through his own efforts he can only stay above water for so long before he goes under. In desperation he grabs anything nearby that might help him stay afloat. In this analogy, what the man grabs and clings to is his self-image.

Self-image is captured by the phrase, “I am this, but not that.” It can rightly be called the ego’s identity, or ego identity, and is created through a process of grasping and pushing away. What the ego grasps becomes part of its conscious identity. In psychology, what it pushes away is called the shadow. In Jungian terms, the shadow lies in the unconscious mind and contains all that a person denies in himself.

Once cast into the unconscious the shadow seeks a return to consciousness. The ego resists this because the shadow is a threat to its carefully built self-image. The ego can only maintain its self-image by denying anything that questions its legitimacy. For example, we’ve all experienced times when our thoughts ran in circles trying to justify some impulsive action that didn’t fit within our usual way of doing things. That’s the ego trying to save face. In the view presented here, face saving arises out of the ego’s need to maintain its self-image, the loss of which means the ego’s dissolution or death.

It’s easier to understand why the ego gets so agitated when its self-image is threatened by using the analogy of the man in the ocean. As stated above, the man will drown if the flotsam that he clings to is lost. In the same way, the ego will dissolve back into the seeming nothingness out of which it arose if it loses its self-image. It’s a matter of life and death to the ego, so each time the self-image is threatened the bodies survival mechanism kicks in with a fight, flight or freeze response. The more this cycle repeats, the more preoccupied we become with our self-image. Or, as Pema Chodron said, the more deaf and blind we become to life.

It’s actually easy to see the ego trying to maintain its identity. Just focus on the “I” thought and hold it lightly in awareness. After a bit, thoughts will arise, some of which cause slight contractions in the body/mind. Those contractions are the ego withdrawing from thoughts and feelings that threaten its self-image. The more threatening, the greater the contraction.

It may be easier to see the ego at work by imagining that you’re in a group of people who suddenly break out in song. Do you notice any immediate tension arising in your body at this image? What if you imagine the group asks you to join in? If you find yourself pulling back even in this imaginary situation then you’re seeing the ego at work maintaining itself as it is. Once you see this reaction in operation, you’ll be able to recognize it in other situations. Your ego, in fact, is constantly at work choosing which thoughts, feelings and actions are ‘yours’ so you won’t act out of character. In a way, it’s a self-made prison.

Once you see what you’re trying to be, feel and act like in all situations you’ve found your self-image. Some people hold that image lightly, allowing for new experiences. Others hold that door firmly shut, fearing what’s on the other side. But even after a new experience those who hold it lightly return to who and what they think they are, thus perpetuating that sense of separation that having an ego provides. Which is why Pema Chodron said that “Being preoccupied with our self-image is like being deaf and blind. It's like standing in the middle of a vast field of wildflowers with a black hood over our heads. It's like coming upon a tree of singing birds while wearing earplugs.”