Re:Life

Ad Nauseum

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Happy Ending

I decided to be honest.

The day after my last post, I confronted my friend about my feelings.

We've been dating happily ever since. I feel a lot happier in general, and I'm moving out next week. Things are really starting to look up. I still have issues but I'm actually going to try and work on them. I don't think I'll really need this blog much any more.

Thanks for reading, whoever you are.

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It Blew Up In My Face

So the reason I haven't been on here complaining more is because I've spent the last month fucking about with my friend.

Here's the story though:

Two nights ago, I went to a show a friend was performing at, knew no one there, and employed my number one social anxiety plan: "Drink as much as possible as fast as possible". This didn't go so well. Eventually, I was very drunk. I ended up sticking around with the friend who was performing, the person they're with, and one other person. Some random (very attractive) stranger walked up and started hitting on the other single, and I was a bit "oh okay I guess I will just go home". Then the stranger looked at me, said "You look left out, sorry" and sort of pounced on me. I didn't stop them. In fact, after going to another bar and drinking some whiskey, I went home with them.

By the time I was in their bed, I realized I didn't want to have sex with them. I realized I wanted my friend and I don't want anyone else. The stranger was fine with not having sex, we fooled around a bit because... well, I did sort of want to do that for them. I woke up hating myself, with the addition of a splitting headache.

The thing is, the night this happened, my friend was going to come with me. But they bailed because they decided they were going to go out with my ex, whom they're still friends with. I guess what I did was a little out of spite (yes I really hate myself for it thank you).

I told them last night because I am not going to keep something like a secret from them. Besides, we are not "together", mainly out of their choice, which I did say I was fine with and was actually fine with. When I told them this, they weren't really visibly upset, but they said later that night that they think we should stop. I know I upset my friend and I can't stand that I did. And I don't want to stop what we have. It's been the most loving relationship I've ever been in and it's made me value myself so much and now they can just say "Yeah, I think we should stop".

Fuck.

I haven't actually been so upset about something in a long time. We're still friends, I just don't get to kiss them any more. I asked if I could get one more kiss, and they said, "no", and gave me a look that's going to hurt for a very long time.

Then they texted me this morning to say they caught my cold, and used their nickname for me, like nothing happened.

I have to stop fucking doing this shit to myself.

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Visit Original Link

Apply this to the above whine-fest.

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Same thing happened to my virginity. Exccept I regret it.

I'm sorry to hear that.

For me, I didn't regret it because it was with someone I consider a close friend. I guess it wasn't ideal, but I try not to think about better ways it could have happened. What's important is to accept that it's happened and there's not really any way to reverse the decision, and to just try and look ahead towards making better decisions.

I mean, even the bad, ugly, or stupid things we do in life can serve a good purpose if we let them, right? I try to think about it that way, at least. Having done a whole lot of bad, ugly, and stupid things. Heh.

I hope you feel better about it, I'm sure there's someone it'll be more meaningful with right around the corner.

(Also, if you poster this a while ago, sorry I didn't back to you sooner, I'm not on a whole lot)

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The Story

We had been spending a lot of time together, and one night ended up drunk and in our underwear on the mattress that a friend of ours uses as a couch. We made out for an hour and fell asleep. Following that, pretty much every time we hung out we would get drunk and make out for hours. It got to the point where we started fooling around a little bit. We never talked about it sober, but in our alcohol fueled stupors we would talk about how much we care for each other and how much we've missed each other over the near-year spent apart.

They missed me more than the person they chose over me.

Then one night, a few nights ago, after a concert and dancing, we came back to my place. We had been sleeping together in my condo's basement on a futon, and it had gotten to the point where we both wanted sex. With each other.

Badly.

And it happened. It wasn't beautiful or magical, there were no butterflies or unicorns or anything like that. And I don't mean that in a bad way. I think I would've been a bit freaked out by that. I felt mildly drunk and happy and fucking fantastic. I don't feel any different, other than maybe a bit more confident knowing that someone wants me. I don't think I'm going to regret it. not the loss of my virginity, at least. Maybe the timing.

Maybe this will blow up in my face.

...

This will probably blow up in my face.

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The Update

It's been a few weeks. Here we go.

Haven't seen the mutual friend yet, but that's a huge "NBD" compared to what's been going on otherwise.

That old friend that hurt me so bad that I fell asleep with on New Years? Yeah, we've begun spending time together again.

And drinking together again.

And kissing.

And fucking.

I lost my virginity to them and, frankly, I'm fine with it. They seem to have changed (famous last words). We're not dating, we're not together, we're just... us, I guess. And so far it hasn't destroyed either of us so I guess it's all good.

But now, I don't know. We're not fuckbuddies. It's more than that... But it's also less than a romantic relationship. This is worth thinking about.

Also, I turned 21 a few days ago. I have a feeling this year is going to be very interesting.

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Oh and also

Fuck you, misogynistic coworker, for saying that Women's Studies is a stupid course when I said I wanted to take it.

No seriously, fuck you.

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Vulnerability

So I used to have a few facial piercings. Two rejected and one was ripped out in a drunken haze.

I was going to go into my local piercing studio on a whim today and get my eyebrow repierced, but ended up reasoning myself out of it. I have this whole thing about vulnerability and efficiency. I can't get lips piercings (I want them so badly) because of the instruments I play, I can't get my cartilage pierced because a) I wear big headphones and b) it is an unbelievable weak point that I've heard horror stories about, and I go to a lot of concerts.

I feel stupid for not going in and getting it done but I know it will just come out and that frustrates me so much. Augh. Stupid brain, I want metal in my face.

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Bad Day

Heh, see what I did there? My day wasn't so awful, with a big "but" in there.

BUT. I ended up hanging out with my friend today. The one who introduced my hook-up and I. I had no idea what to say to them about it, since they're quite... innocent? I guess is the word. I think they would be offended by my actions. So I didn't tell them, also because I wasn't able to ask the mutual friend if it was okay to mention it.

So I felt guilty the entire time we were hanging out, because we're quite close. I had an anxiety attack at work because of the guilt. Ugh. And now I don't know what the etiquette is going to be when I hang out with the two of them.

Do I message the new person to ask if we can tell our friend? Would that seem weird or clingy? Do I keep it casual and leave them alone for a while? What if it gets outed to my friend before I can figure this out and they get super mad at me? Blah. I think I'm going to go get drunk. Or maybe high. Who knows, maybe I'll just do both.

 Garçon, my weed, please.

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Good Night

So... I don't know how I feel right now. That friend of a friend from Christmas eve that is in a relationship? I found out that it is an open one. Or at least that's what they told me.

Last night, about 12, I was bored and couldn't sleep, so I was on facebook chat. This person had just posted on my wall that I owe them gin, and since I'd decided to sample some local craft beer and was subsequently kind of drunk and mildly forward, I started talking to them on the facebook messenger. We ended up going out and getting Chinese food at one in the morning. Over dinner we talked about relationships and they told me that the person they're dating has actually been away for a few months and they've agreed to open up their relationship.

Then we came back here. To my basement, specifically. I found out that the couch I slept on uncomfortably is actually a futon. I set up bedsheets and everything and we crawled in, but I didn't really expect anything to happen. Eventually they sort of goaded me into kissing them, and things sort of went crazy from there. I haven't gone that far with anyone in a long long time. For the record, I'm a happy and proud virgin (though I almost didn't want to be last night). But the ridiculous thing is that it was in the basement of my condo. This morning a neighbour walked right by us while they were looking for something. Luckily we had the forethought to put  some clothes on.

I don't know, I feel a bit whoreish about it. But it was fun, and honestly, it was fantastic to feel wanted and desired again. We'll see how this works out.

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New Year

Well, happy 2011 to anyone who might be reading this. I haven't posted anything in a while mainly because I just didn't feel like it, but... yeah, here I am again.

I fully expected my New Year's to be uneventful; and it was, up until about one thirty in the morning. I just had a bunch of booze with some friends of mine in a friend's house, but her parents kicked us out etc. While we were walking towards some sort of 24/7 restaurant place, I got a text from the first and only person so far to break my heart. We've seen each other here and there, they've texted me a bit, and I've responded because I am not totally over them/am generally an idiot.

So the text just read, "Are you bored and in your neighbourhood?"

And then, yes, I left my friends, saying I felt too sick to go to the restaurant, and met my ex in a park. I don't even know if ex is the right term.... Well it doesn't matter. We proceeded to talk awkwardly about how our lives have been going, and then I had to stop off in my condo's basement to go to the bathroom. By the time I was out, they were laying on a couch and invited me to join them. I stupidly did just that. We spent hours kind of just... cuddling... bit in a way that makes me feel kind of dirty today. I pretty much feel like a whore, and I hate myself for always going back to them. I've still got their sent on me, ugh.

Sorry if my writing's a bit off today, I'm very hungover.

Anyways, some resolutions: 1. Get more fit

2. Fight my depression harder

3. Look into school

4. Move out

5. Learn to love myself 

It's not too hard, right? I guess we'll see. I hope everyone had a safe and happy new year.

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Actually though

I'm in my room, on my laptop, hiding from Christmas.

I am dreading going downstairs right now to face the tree and the music and the fake family togetherness of it all. I don't want to have to act surprised when I get exactly what I asked for and knew I was getting. "Oh hey Rock Band 3 and that bracelet you asked me to send you a link to via email yayyyyy". I'm thankful, just... I don't know. It's so forced. My Christmas has already pretty much happened.

I met up with some friends, a few of which have been out of town for a long time, and got drunk and exchanged presents a few nights ago, and we had a great time. I handmade a bunch of gifts and not sound full of myself, but the presents I did buy were really well thought out. And I got some awesome stuff from them too. See? Sometimes I'm not super depressed.

Last night, at the last minute, I got invited to a Christmas Eve Let's-Hang-Out-Because-We're-All-Alone night. It was a friend, her boyfriend, and a friend of hers that I think she might be trying to set me up with? Me and the friend got very drunk on gin (they were impressed by the fact that at this point I just drink it straight) and had this long talk and there was tickling and it was kind of great. Haven't been that close to anyone physically without feeling dirty in a while.

I added them on facebook and it says they're in a relationship. Great.

Happy Christmas, I promise myself I'll be better this year.

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Happy Christmas or whatever else you celebrate or don't but I celebrate Christmas for some reason

Fuck I'm so hungover. Time to go open presents with my parents.

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So Yeah

I am drunk and high again. I did not call my ex tonight though, so that is points for me I guess. I went to an old coworkers place for a Christmas party tonight. I sat on the couch in between two people that are very attractive, one of which I have had sort of  a crush on for a while, and the other being pretty much a stranger. I feel stupid but I couldn't bring myself to talk to either of them. I need to be more sure of myself.

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I am very drunk and very high, and on the way back from my friend's house I called the last person I dated (because they called me earlier today) and agreed to meet up with them this week I think.

I'm kind of stupid sometimes.

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On a Side Note

My skin's gotten a bit worse and I've gained a couple of pounds and it's making me hate myself more.

Ugh I know how ridiculous it is but sometimes I can't help it.