I’ve always thought personality tests to be idiotic because I never thought I could be defined or placed in a category. UNTIL, I finally decided to take the Myers-Briggs personality test that I studied about immensely in college, but never took, but finally, I said “What the hell” and took the test.
Suddenly, things started making sense, and there was comfort learning I wasn’t alone. I still do not think tests can perfectly encapsulate a person as a whole, but this came scary close.
So, I thought I’d do several snapshots of my life to see if they potentially match up to any other INFJ’s out there. I dislike being vulnerable, but if it provides comfort to another, it’s worth it. Also, it may help me by getting my thoughts written.
When I was in K-12, I found everyone around me describing me as quiet. Which was odd because I didn’t feel that way at all. In fact, in my head, it was very loud because I could see people.
What I mean by that is that it felt like everyone in middle school and high school wore a mask. They felt inauthentic, which was off putting for me. I used the word “fake” a lot in describing others to my friend groups. I found that I could get along with others; I guess you’d call me a “floater”. I found some people that felt real, but ultimately social pressures would come for them occasionally and they would become fake to fit in. I won’t lie, I did this some as well, because I didn’t want to be seen as weird or weirder than I already was. I really could never pin point how others saw me. I grew up in a small town, so I only had eleven in my graduating class. Not too many choices.
I found I didn’t care for trends. I dressed differently than everyone else, and listened to different music than everyone else. I could relate to them on a lot of music, but I listened to a variety of genres and decades of music. I remember related to punk music and rock music a lot, like Simple Plan and Linkin Park, among others. I didn’t like accessories that people wore that were popular. Napoleon Dynamite was popular and people would constantly quote it, and I had no idea. It wasn’t until I got forced to watch it last year that I realized what they were quoting from. There were many times like that.
Drinking of course was popular in school, and I knew that it went on a lot. Many saw me as innocent, so many times I was never invited. I was a few times, but not many. I saw it as stupid. Same as smoking. They contributed to the deaths of people in my family, so I never saw the value in it. One party that I went to when I was 15 was when a student in my class was having her 16th birthday party. Her parents left letting her have the house, and that was the first time I got drunk because a lot of people, even my best friend kept saying “She’ll never do it”. So, I did and was ridiculed, but also was completely aware of how much it lowered everyone’s IQ. It still seemed like they were wearing masks with everyone still trying to discover themselves.
I remember longing to have a boyfriend because I saw that it made others happy and I wanted to feel happiness. Also, I had glasses for a long time, and finally broke down my sophomore year and got contacts. Boys stared noticing me which, I didn’t like to feel like the center of attention, and I felt it was shallow that they only liked me then, and not before. So, I didn’t date anyone.
So, alone in my little world filled with contradictions, I wrote stories, painted, and drew. I had done these activities since I was very young. I continued in school. Going so far as to ask my English teacher to read one of my stories my eleventh grade year. One I had been working on since 7th grade. I always excelled in English. I found myself gravitating towards other different subjects when we did research papers that other didn’t want to touch: cloning and black holes. I loved doing research, and enjoyed finding out new things about subjects that I knew nothing about.
I remember always wondering beyond our planet what was out there? Why were we here? What is my purpose? I found I thought very deeply about these things, but no one else did. I tried asking my best friend a few times, but she looked at me like I was a weird creature, so I stopped.
My “best friend” would always make fun of my attire, my stories, and drawings. I was considered odd.
I watched a lot of anime because it had a lot of deep characters in it that I could relate to. I also remember watching Buffy a lot. I read a lot. I also read a lot of classics mixed in, and people thought that was odd. I remember really enjoying science fiction, Fahrenheit 451 and 1984 were some of my favorites, and Harry Potter was my jam at that time. I tried to find people to relate to, even if they were fictional.
I loved softball and was the pitcher, and enjoyed being one of the leaders in that regard. I got voted in as a candidate for football Queen twice and won Choir Queen. It was all so weird, and I didn’t know if they did it for a laugh or really what the reason was. Still don’t know.
My senior year, I was voted “most unique” and, at the time, hated it because I disliked that everyone saw me as weird. I stood up for a few other students that I saw had been bullied. Others didn’t know why, and would interpret it as something else.
Everyone in my school life would have brief moments of realness, but mainly would be something that they weren’t and maybe that’s because they were still discovering themselves.
I remember just feeling lost. I remember feeling alone. I had people around me, but felt so alone. I used music, art, and sports as my outlet. I brought back the school newspaper my senior year. I don’t even remember asking for permission...it was just something I felt compelled to do. I had a staff, would edit, and copy the papers at the school. I had a sponsor. In retrospect, I can’t believe that they let me do that...but I remember feeling that I wanted to leave some form of an impact.
I remember having a strong dislike for authority. I remember a lot of teachers chose favorites, and I could tell that many teachers were frustrated with their jobs. I remember getting mad at our principal because I wanted to change one song for our graduation, and he wouldn’t let me take it home to change it. I guess he didn’t trust me? I remember making a big scene and him telling me to cool down. I remember leaving the auditorium really mad. Maybe if I had gotten it explained to me, I would have been okay, but it was just a “no”, and my desire for perfection was too much, so I lost it.
I remember on our senior trip, he was one that went with us as a sponsor, and he made fun of me for it in front of other adults. I loathed him at that moment. I had a lot of anger that didn’t disappear for a couple of years after that. Looking back, it was just a defense mechanism because I felt I constantly had to defend myself in a world that didn’t seem to understand me.
Well, I wrote more than I intended. Please let me know if you felt any of these same emotions, or feelings. Sometimes it’s nice to connect to not feel so alone. When you’re an INFJ, it’s a different type of alone. I don’t mind being alone, just feel misunderstood.
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