life incognito! @lifewhileincognito - Tumblr Blog

I find the weekends incredibly difficult, exhausting, chaotic and over stimulating.

Not only do I have to fill my day with some sort of structure. To keep my ADHD symptoms at bay & my addiction and commitment to sobriety in check. But I also have to keep my tiny little human happy, make sure she drinks, make sure I drink, make sure she eats, make sure I eat, make sure she pees, make sure I pee. Is she having fun? Oh no… she’s not having fun. I’m a terrible parent. Okay focus. She’s laughing and grabbing my cheeks and saying MOMMY!! LETS GET ON THE SWINGS!! … I push her, she giggles and squeals… that’s too high MOMMY!!! Okay, off the swings. She wants a snack. Oh no it’s almost supper time! What are we eating? Do we have vegetables? Shit. I forgot to get groceries. Fuck. How do I not have fresh fruit and vegetables for my kid? I’m such a shitty mom.

In the blink of an eye it’s time to get ready for bed. Quick bath, brush her teeth, brush my teeth, make sure she pees. Shit! Did I eat Today?

Then there’s a moment of sweet perfection where we are snuggling in bed and I am singing her to sleep and my mind is quiet. I am content.

But as I sneak out her bedroom door and close it quietly behind me. The chaos between my ears begins again.

Fight or flight mode. Always going going going. There is never any rest. There is never and peace. The room may be quiet but inside my head is like being lost and disoriented in Times Square at 11:59pm on New Year’s Eve. Complete and utter chaos