lifewithmarah

[marahismalaya]

January

January was eventful. So many things unfolded—a few firsts and moments for the books. I think that was obviously seen on my instagram feed—there’s beach, mountain and the astounding sunset—all that instagram worthy shots that make people think you are living your best life. So I had to step back. I went off social media twice in a span of a month to reflect and ask myself if that was really my truth. I’ve always tried to be honest with what I feel, but recently I’ve been trying to runaway from my reality. I feel like I did things to escape. I mean, life was okay and there were actually so many things to be grateful about, but there’s this loneliness I feel.This sense of disconnect from the world, from God and ultimately from myself. Truth is, I haven’t been myself lately. And I have spent the month that was trying to reconnect to my core.

But if there’s one thing the past month has taught me that was to accept that being lost and restless are part of the process. Of course it didn’t happen overnight, but I eventually found comfort that there’s growth waiting at the end of this struggle. That I, like the moon, will also go through phases of emptiness to be full again. To quote the brilliant Michelle Obama: 

 “Becoming is never giving up on the idea that there’s more growing to be done.”

[lifewithmarah]

Winning 

Today, self-love wins. And that’s a story worth telling. 

[lifewithmarah]

Oprah

I have challenged myself to finish at least one book every month. I have been winning since the start of the year, but this month I have struggled to find a book to read. I have issued books from work, but none of them really connected with me. 

Then one day, I found Oprah Winfrey’s What I Know For Sure at the Recently Returned section at work. it was exactly how it’s like in the photo when I found it. It’s like the universe was really inviting me to read it. When I flipped to see the title, I realised it’s actually one of the books I’ve been wanting to read. Impeccable timing!

I’m already 21 pages in, and so far what I know for sure is that Oprah is right when said: “Your journey begins with a choice to get up, to step out and live fully.”

[lifewithmarah]

Wonder woman

I just had a solid girl talk with my mother last Friday night. We talked about EVERYTHING. It’s one of those conversations you cherish because it doesn’t happen everyday. Mum is the quiet type. I think I got it from her, but when she speaks her mind you would know that her words are coming from a woman who is empowered and knows her worth. I’m so blessed to have been raised by her. Ang sarap sumigaw ng: Nanay ko yan! 

[lifewithmarah]

God’s Promise

I have an affinity with rainbow. For some reason, it always shows up every time I feel down. Bad day, heart break, self-doubt creeping in, relapse…I would go out and it’s there. Reminding me that there’s indeed a rainbow after the rain. To not lose hope, to trust the process, to embrace the struggle, because someone got my back. That I’m not alone in this fight, because He knows what He is doing. And for some reason, its presence makes me feel better and believe that everything’s going to be okay regardless how dark the clouds are. 

[lifewithmarah]

Dance

The whole Hamilton production was inspiring enough, but what really inspired me the most was the senior actors. They were performing their hearts out regardless of their age.

Age.

I’ve talked about it with one of my best friends on how most people (myself included) defined themselves by their age. It’s actually one thing I’m trying to overcome. So in my head, I thought: “When was the last time I danced? Like the real kind of dance?” And that’s where it hit me that I got too caught up with adulting and the pressure to act a certain way because I’m X years old, that I have neglected the things that make my soul alive.

So I got my phone, went to Tiktok and challenged myself to learn a dance. And boy did it give me endorphins! I was struggling at the start, because it’s been a while. It’s been 10 years or more since I danced like this, but the sweat was worth it. I mean, I’m not the best dancer. I’m a little rusty, but does it matter? It made my soul alive! And that’s enough.

Don’t let anyone limit you because of your age. Dance, sing, write, act, paint, take that photograph, play. Laugh at your own mistakes. Live a little. You’re not too old nor too young to do things. Do what keeps your soul alive regardles of your age.

[lifewithmarah]

Powerful

A workmate asked how was I. “Not 100% yet, but I’m getting there,” I said in reply. Then she said: “You know we can be a masterpiece and a work in progress at the same time.”

And that is powerful.

[lifewithmarah]

Laugh

When I was serving a patron at work, her kid asked me out of nowhere: “Why are you not tall?” That left me speechless. So his mum answered on behalf of me and said: “She’s just sitting down, honey.” I bursted into laughter and gave the kid a piece of advice: “Don’t drink coffeee or else you’ll be as short as me.”

[lifewithmarah]

Genius

If genius had a face, it would look a lot like Lin-Manuel Miranda. Who would have thought a life from 1700s would still be relevant today? It became possible because someone dared to tell his story. Hamilton made me dream again of bigger things. It reminded me that stories matter, and sometimes they move you and make you believe that you are more and you can be more. 

The soundtrack has been playing on repeat in my head. It’s like a chorus singing to me to take my shot to be part of the narrative, because history has its eyes. It’s like an echo asking me who lives, who dies, who tells your story? It’s that constant voice reminding me that death doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saint. So I have to make the most of the life that has given to me. 

Lin Manuel dared to tell a story, and I was inspired to tell more. I look at him and I couldn’t help but sing: 

“There’s a million things I haven’t done, 

 but  just you wait. Just you wait.”

Image: People.com

[lifewithmarah]

Selfie

I was playing with the sunlight when I was taking photos earlier, and it dawned on me how things change when we allow light to touch us.

This was a monumental moment. For weeks, I couldn’t look at my own reflection in the mirror because I was enveloped with shame and darkness. I couldn’t even take a photo of myself because I couldn’t recognise the image on the screen. But today, today was a different story. Today, I just didn’t look. I stared. I stared and smiled. Then I went back to what my sister told me about selfie three years ago.I didn’t quite like the idea of it because I didn’t feel beautiful enough. But she said: “selfie is an act of self-love”. So I mustered some courage, faced the camera and took the shot. 

I did the same today.

[lifewithmarah]

Unyielding Grace

I asked my mum to walk with me this morning. We both braved the cold and allowed the sun to kiss our cheeks. I’m starting to see it again. Life. I’m starting to feel it again. Hope. Finally, we’re one foot away from darkness. One foot in front of the other—never stopping—until my soul’s better. It’s going to be a journey, but I’m ready. I’m ready now for battle.

Here’s to fighting for the life I deserve. And here’s to you for fighting the life you deserve too. We’ll get through this. By His unyielding grace, we will.

[lifewithmarah]

Kuya Nolie

It only took one video call from this man to reassure me that I would be fine. When someone tells you that family is everything, believe them.

[lifewithmarah]

Back At It

Third counselling session is in the books! Best one so far! I was really able to open and tell stories that I have never told anyone before. We’re finally connecting the dots and figuring out the roots of my pain. A lot of it has something to do with putting others feelings before my own. I learned to be gentle with myself. It’s actually the first time in two weeks that I don’t feel completely ashamed of myself for having this illness. Also, I decided to write myself a love letter. Here’s an excerpt:

“I know it’s not easy to face your demons, but here you are. You are brave. You are honest. You are flawed, yes, but there’s more to you than your flaws. We have a lot of things to work on, but I’m already proud of you for the baby steps you took. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s going to be alright, darling. It’s going to be alright.”

I want this to be my reminder when I’m being too critical with myself. It’s crazy how it’s so easy to be kind to others yet it’s so hard to be kind to ourselves, but I’m learning. I am learning. 

Self-love is definitely not easy, but it’s worth it. 

[lifewithmarah]

Nay

There are moments where you feel really really grateful to have been raised by a strong mother. Salamat, Nay. 

[lifewithmarah]

K-drama

I chanced upon this Kdrama series on Netflix’s home page one weekend. As the trailer played, it felt like something was telling me to watch it. So I did. EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED. It seemed like the universe knew it all along. It’s not a coincidence that I stumbled upon this series.

When The Camellia Blooms is a beautiful story of different facets of love--from romance, to community to parental (great emphasis on this!!!) and self-love. Heck, even God’s love is depicted in this series. I may or may not have shed a bucket of tears. I never thought I’d feel God’s presence through a Kdrama. But I guess, that’s Him. He works in the most mysterious ways.

[lifewithmarah]

Flowers

When was the last time you bought flowers for yourself? Let them be your reminder that you deserve the kind of love you freely give others.

[lifewithmarah]

Lunch

I was planning to have my lunch while watching Kdrama today when dad asked me to join him at the dining table. Mum is currently at work and my siblings are preoccupied with things...so it’s just me and him pretty much. The old Marah would have refused and put Kdrama first as I didn’t quite like the idea of eating with my father alone. But I guess they were right when they said that you appreciate your parents more when you’re older. I never expected that a simple lunch could fill me with so much joy. Me and my father alone in one dining table. Casually talking and laughing as we devoured the food mum has prepared for us. No more resentments, just pure love. And good food! Like a scene from a Kdrama series.

As much as I didn’t want to say it was a rare moment, it was. But I’m just grateful that I have forgiven him for the things he did and didn’t do when we still both have the energy to make up for the lost time.