I have spent my whole life enduring each day to the next, small holes in my armour caused by suffering and regret.
I couldn’t even speak them, the names of the guilty, if I said them out loud the thoughts became overwhelming.
Some wounds were inherited from the war in my mother, some were self inflicted and some were made by others.
Always in battle, never a white flag.
Scars began forming, broken bones becoming fixed by ignoring, wounds in my soul from all the demons I was hiding.
I learned how to disappear inside myself. That’s the problem with trauma, you become an expert at running.
How to endure, that’s what I ask myself? I learned to expect pain before joy and loss before love.
Then the sunshine arrived, even though she did not erase the past, nor did she silence the ghosts that haunt the halls in my mind.
But she gave me something more valuable and harder to find.
A reason to try to sleep at night.
A reason to talk to the spector’s that won’t free my mind, to tell them they’re no longer welcome, to convince them to leave because I deserve so much better.
Every day I am learning that survival and living are not the same. I am learning to put down the baggage at the door, to not carry it with me when she’s in my arms.
I am learning to heal, even though it stings, for her I’ll do anything, I’ll bathe in her love, I’ll keep her safe from the darkness in my mind.
When she sits in my lap, snuggles into my belly, I remember I’m blessed, I remember I’m lucky.
No matter the pain, no matter the worry, my daughter is sunlight and she deserves all of her Mummy.
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