angel's journal

reader + writer

[ashen-crest]

I can do it. I can write a chapter. I am capable of putting sentences together. I know what a comma is. I am Aware of the Character.

[lilaczjournal]

mirror

my reflection

is starting to resemble

the shadows and the nightmares

that haunt and see right through

those eyes they

remind me what I am

becoming into

i hold close to my chest

your secret as if my own

and I’ve turned it, as always

into mine like

all i’ve ever known.

[lilaczjournal]

carapace

paranoia is persistent

consistently

it keeps me company

isolates me and

forces my gaze over my shoulder

shields me like

metal bars

like a padded room

it takes the breath away from me,

and keeps me watching the door at night

it feeds me mistrust and

it feels a bit like being taken care of

tires me out like

running away from my fears

it helps jerk the tears

from my eyes

and even logic cannot reach me now

reassurance only feels like lies

paranoia keeps me quiet

i stay however it likes me,

i don’t know how else to be.

[lilaczjournal]

bed

sleep evades me

leaves me only

when i beg

when i plead for it

to come back and stay

i lay in my bed

wide awake

sleep only comes

and pulls me in

like some cruel lover

when i beg for it

to stay away.

[lilaczjournal]

shadow

look behind your shoulder

don’t turn around

i live for your terror

i die for the sound

of your racing breaths,

blood pumping through your veins

i want you to taste the fear

when you say my name

i’ll follow you like a shadow

i’ll follow you to your grave

i hope you see

remnants of me

i’ll haunt you in every way

i live for your paranoia

this is the price you pay.

[writingdose]

writers, instead of asking ai for help, you can always use your childhood trauma and repressed issues to help you with that fic

[lilaczjournal]

pity party

I feel so alone

while having so many friends

eyes glued to my phone

how all my days end

and the love inside of me

is burning within

i cry, cry, cry,

it feels like acid

i crawl back in my hole

when i just want to be held

i retreat every time

then cry like hell

i write my own sad story

my own pity party

and i turn away from

the hand that reaches out for me

and i love, love, love,

yet still so full of fear

always waiting for someone to

save me from here

but I’m the one who does this

to myself

i dug my grave, now i lie

and i cry, cry, cry

cry like hell.

[lilaczjournal]

good girl

I’m not as kind

as you chalk me up to be

and I’m not as happy

as I try to make myself seem

the mask I keep wearing

disguise tearing at the seams

I’m not the good girl that you

wanted me to be

I’m not the good girl,

apologies to younger me.

[lilaczjournal]

green tea

you said you loved me

maybe a million times before

you decided to leave me

sobbing on the floor

and every memory of us

is still stored in my head

do you remember how it was before you left?

I remember you loved to drink green tea

said you’d run away, have a house with me

forever best friends, I believed it true

I didn’t think I had reason to not trust you

and I finally don’t cry all the time anymore

I don’t see you in my mind all the time like before

I can drink green tea and be finally fine

with the fact that you’re not in my life

…

and the feelings weren’t the same,

but they were love nonetheless

and I loved you everyday,

even after you left.

[lilaczjournal]

infinitesimal

oh, how silly and trivial

oh, and how minuscule

worries over boys, girls, all or none

demi, poly, two, one

worries over how others love

demonic, wrong, but sacred

worries over imaginary lines

and people who dream of better lives

worries over human identity,

creatures, all fours, exercise,

still beings with rights

oh, how silly

how asinine

black and white,

wrong and right,

love and hatred

when the sea is rising,

and we’re all drowning

what will matter then?

still binaries, socially constructed

does one need an enemy to function?

wrong one percent,

trans genocide

we all bleed red

what difference then,

your life from mine?

[lilaczjournal]

doll

I’ll be your doll,

your dog,

your perfect daughter

whatever you want

as long as you want me to

as long as you want me

at all

just say the word,

I’m at your command

I’ll be whatever you want of me

even if I don’t want to be

[bansheebeez]

-Brianna Fay

[lilaczjournal]

square one

every word that leaves my lips

is something to be embarrassed about

and every trip and fall and mistake I make

is another reason to quiet down

like a candle burns

carve every flaw

until there’s nothing left

but a couple drops

and I overthink and I fear all the time

and I can’t stop saying that everything is fine

and I hate that if my friends hated me,

part of me wouldn’t be surprised

and I like to think I’ve grown a bit,

but I fear that that is just a lie

that even after all of this time,

over and over, it’s still the same rhymes

I can never write a new song,

it will always be the same old lines.

[clover-writes26]

How my writing process looks to anyone who doesn't write

[lilaczjournal]

someday

a trapped fox in a cage

I pace, awaiting escape

to be let out, someday

someday

all I want is to be free

simply all I want to be

if that would be okay

lay down, on the ground

as I wait

in my mind, I escape

tell myself I’ll be okay,

someday.

[fictionalaffection]

[where-our-stories-start]

"Francesca" by Hozier // "In Memoriam A.H.H." by Alfred, Lord Tennyson // Andrew Garfield // "What Would You Do?" (If/Then) // The Fault in Our Stars (2014) // "For Good" (Wicked) // Fellow Travelers (2023) // "Light" (Next to Normal) // Anonymous