“why does he look like that” i followed my whims and my whimsy
his name is Lunar(also goes by Lun), like lunar->moon->moon dust, ykyk. Listen, I couldn’t come up with anything better. Go check out Stardust!Sans by krater-arkwright, that’s another OuterDust Sans(and one that looks more like canon!outer sans). And check out a Sans that actually called Lunar!Sans by reyyyt. Do it. Or not. I’m not your mom.
I might be both. my empathy just spikes and deflates whenever it's most convenient for the plot of the timeline.
cw: cattle death???
cw: edible fish death
so uhm.. sorry dead fish I watch on the butcher's table with morbid fascination as I stare into your dead bloody eyes.
or the hanging meat of cows. ..
one day I will be eaten by maggots and return this kindness.
and that's alright. I'm alright with that.
also shouout to that dog that yelped in pain down street and I cried the whole day for it. my empathy decided it was time to go berserk.
god I love being crazy. it's like... getting first hand experience with a fictional character! I love my funky brain. I get to study it and feel it and suffer with it all at once!
is this what it feels to not give a fuck about people?
I kinda get it.
it's weirdly... idunno. I can describe it as the color of deep blue mixed with a black buzz.
idunno if that makes sense but like it feels like staring at a bubble.
you don't FEEL anything about it. it exists. and if it pops? it's not really your concern.
you mind just...
yeah it's creepy. cuz I know that bubble is a whole ass person n that line is a cutie lil puppy but my brain just...
turns off those details because the game graphics are too high and it has to operate with low resolution so it ends up dehumanizing others to keep itself running.
is this how people can be so mean and cruel? fascinating. I think I have the potential to be a horrible selfish person. and I kinda like that!
because if I see it, it means I'm NOT it.
if I was selfish I wouldn't be able to acknowledge any of this
this is some dark side of the moon shit. saying hi to my darkside.
n telling me that yeah it's okay to be evil if the situation calls for it. you're here to protect me. I accept you too. so let's do our part! both of us.
do like... not getting angry or sad about hearing about animal abuse? thanks darkside subconscious or whatever dark lord that is in my brain plotting evil schemes for self preservation.
alright just realized I might have empathy deficit disorder too. which can be another thing connected to my autism.
cw: mentions of animal abuse
cw: mentions of intrusive thoughts
maybe the ocd and intrusive thoughts of pigeons exploding in the air into blood bombs has kinda numbed me to whatever actually happens to real animals irl but like...
not in a sense that don't FEEL empathy. it's just very selective?
alright look.
there was a YouTuber reading stories about stuff on Reddit a d the topic of animal abuse came up.
they looked devastated.
and called it fucked up.
I was surprised by their reaction because it was not anything like the shrug I gave.
to me it was illogical and wasteful. why waste money on an animal that will not even be worth the emotional investment you put in it to give yourself a sense of comfort?
pets are meant to bring you warmth. but if you see them as objects to use as you please then... I guess? sure. go for it. none of my business. you go poison that fish.
then I had to remind myself that, hey. lili. that's not considered moral.
yeah it's "fucked up"
but I never really got... mad or surprised about it? it was weird. because then I compare my own thoughts to what a normal person would have reacted like and be like:
oh shit I should be devastated about this aren't I?
I had to do some introspection because this has been a pattern with me. I'm emotionally sensitive to something and other things...
nothing.
blank.
but also. I got alexithymia. hi hello. not actually aware of my own emotional state. so like if some bird actually exploded next to the window I'd probably cry.
but the thought of it doesn't bother me.
there's like this weird duality where my brain decides: is this topic worth putting emotional investment in and if the answers too stressful or pointless it just turns off my empathy to save power.
I don't actually no the psychology behind this but I just wanted to put this here.
I'm not an emotionally available person in general.
maybe the reason I try SO hard to understand people is exactly because of this.
cuz I don't get them. n I desperately want to.
I want to help I want to empathize bit sometimes it's just... not there.
I think it has to do with the survival rules I've made for myself. that I can in fact kill any big that steps into my "territory" because of that same bug was my size it'd showmenp mercy.
and I think that's fair.
oh lili were humans we're better than animals-
nope! we're worse! our entire civilization took nature's survival of the fittest rule n made it into a capitalistic hellscape.
we are apex predators. not even that we're a cancer technically. a cancer that'll wipe itself out after it kills the host.
anyways my point is...
I don't feel bad for hurting animals if they STEP over my boundaries. like a stray dog attacks me on the street I WILL smack a walking stock on the ground to scare it. (it happens a lot here. and I do not want to get rabies)
so like my brain might've just generalized DEFENDING myself into becoming numb about cruelty.
would a dolphin trap humans in a box. ... absolutely. those guys are fucking assholes.
is it still cruel? yes.
do I care???
I should but I don't.
do I just idk... squeeze nonexistent tears out of my eyes?
it's kinda the same with people too. specially strangers.
but even so I surprise myself.
when there's people in need I don't FEEL bad.
my brain acts faster than I can think and just goes straight into action to help.
so I think I skip a few steps because I'm a contradiction.
I cannot tell what upsets me unless I'm there in person seeing an animal being hurt.
I will be upset but...
EUGH ITS COMPLICATED OKAY. emotions don't emotion unless they're practically overflowing through my eyes in the form of tears I CAN'T EXPECT TO KNOW WHEN I'LL BE SAD OR MAD ABOUT SUPPOSED AMORAL THINGS HAPPENING TO ANIMALS.
(I love animals. I think my brain just decided this topic was too heavy n locked away my empathy for my own sake.)
but it is kinda scary how easily I can just.
emotionally disengage and not give a fuck about a heart breaking topic.