Lazy Oaf

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@lilithxeve
Lazy Oaf
For the record while ATLA is an excellent show and Zukos redemption arc was perfectly paced, I would kill to have had Zuko join the Gaang at the end of book two, because the first half of book three would have been the funniest thing on the planet. Like. Just picture it. A bunch of unsupervised teenagers travelling undercover through enemy territory, trying to blend in⊠and the only people who have even been there before are 1. A guy who hasnt been there in a century, and 2. The former crown prince who has literally never spoken to a fire nation citizen who wasnt nobility, military, or one of his servants.
Like. Neither of them have any idea what theyâre doing, or how normal fire nation citizens act, but theyâre pretty sure the other one is wrong. Rest of the gaang knows even less. No adults. Zuko and Aang getting into a shouting debate over the finer points of fire nation culture is a nightly event. They are both so wrong, and so, so awkward
Zuko, for the fifth and probably not last time: FOR THE LAST TIME, NOBODY USES THE PHRASEÂ âFLAMEO HOTMANâ!
Aang, aware of that fact but in too deep to back out now: OH YEAH? THEN WHAT DO THEY SAY!?
Zuko, clueless and bluffing: âŠSomething about glory to the Fire Lord?
Toph, well aware that both are lying through their teeth and have no idea what theyâre talking about, and fucking loving every second of this train wreck: Clearly the only solution is for both of you to go into town tomorrow and test your theories out.
And the side taking, oh my god the side taking from the other three. Katara sides with Aang every single time. Does she honestly believe that the people of the Fire Nation greet each other with âFlame on, my em-brotherâ? Hell no. Would she rather die than say that Zukoâs correct? Yes.
Sokka usually sides with Zuko, unless he comes up with something astoundingly stupid. Zukoâs thoughts, while usually wrong, sound a lot more plausible then Aangs, and fuck it heâs willing to take a gamble.
Toph is the closest thing to a neutral party they have, in that she knows damn well theyâre all full of shit, and has chosen to instead egg them on to make it worse. Sheâs an agent of chaos, and this is free nightly entertainment. Sheâs having the time of her life right now.
The debate takes a brief pause once they stop going undercover and get to the business of actually saving the world, but holy shit. once things have settled down? itâs back on with a vengeance. Except now Aang and Zuko arenât the two most wanted people in the Fire Nation, theyâre the two most influential people in the world. They are trendsetters. They can make slang become a thing.
When Zuko first hears the phrase âflameo, hotmanâ being thrown around casually, it takes a lot of deep breathing exercises to not immediately return to his previous occupation of hunting the Avatar.
Iroh: Iâm so proud of the way youâve been ruling, nephew. Flameo, hotman!
Zuko, in tears: How could you say that
What ifâŠ.Victoria was a closeted lesbian and accidentally marries Emilyâwho is bisexualâinstead of it being Victor?
(Pt 1)
â
In all seriousness though, Iâve always had this idea in my head since I first watched this movie twice in theaters and Iâm finally making it come true because dammit I want to; this alternate story wouldâve made my heart soar back when I was in the closet and had an embarrassing crush on Emily
just in case you havent heard it today:
you are fearedÂ
your six wings, gleaming body, and multiple pairs of torch eyes are beautiful
your thunder voice will get better and increasingly more vehement with time
you are valid
i needed this
i say itâs time to bring back overtly sexual masquerade parties
One of JRR Tolkienâs ideas for Aragornâs backstory in The Lord of the Rings was that he was actually just three or four generations removed from Isildur himself.
Then how did he survive for the thousands of years between the Second and Third Ages?
The story goes something like this:
Many hundreds of years ago, young Aragorn fell in love with an Elven woman, who exactly resembled LĂșthien TinĂșviel in shape and outward form.
She called herself Arwen UndĂłmiel, the Evenstar.
He fell for her, and romanced her, and gave himself to her; together they lived in her kingdom, where her magic and her power slowed Time to a crawl for them, while hundreds and hundreds of years passed in the world outside.
At first, the Elven-maid seemed every inch a queen: beautiful, graceful, soft-spoken, meek, and with the manners befitting an upbringing in Valimar long ago.
But over time, Aragorn came to realize that his beloved had a hard, greedy, grasping side, even a cruel streak, which more and more showed itself in unexpected flashes.
Worse, she was not who she seemed to be.
Eventually Aragorn pieced together the secret.
His bride was Sauron, divested of her usual male disguise.
Greatly weakened by the loss of the Ring, Sauron yet maintained strength enough to craft a prison for the heir of Isildur: a false realm of hollow bliss and sterile delights, where the one she thought was the greatest threat to her power could languish in eternity.
A part of herself, wearing a female aspect â the gender she had hidden long ago in the deeps of time, to gain entrance as an apprentice to the smithies of Aule â remained in this pocket world, as Aragornâs bride: a plaything to keep his attention from the bars of his gilded cage.Â
But eventually, Aragorn figured it out.
Eventually, Aragorn escaped.
Thousands of years had gone by in the world outside since Aragorn had been ensnared by Sauron.
Now, emerging from long captivity in a magical sub-realm, he studied the world around him, and learned what had changed and what had endured.
He met Gandalf, and learned much from the Grey Pilgrim, and taught him some things of his own; and, in search of information, he pursued and captured Gollum, who had possessed, and been possessed by, the One Ring for so many centuries.
And, shortly before his ascent to the throne of the reunited Kingdom of Gondor and Arnor, he met his future bride: Eowyn Elfsheen, sister-daughter of Théoden, King of Rohan.
(PS: Christopher Tolkien or another amanuensis may have written this story down as part of the Secret Library Archive Project.)
I ship this now.
My reaction:
âAragornâs backstoryâ Oh, ok, is this gonna be what the whole Amazon thing is going to be about?
âHe meets Arwenâ Yeah ok
âShe seemed evilâ um, okâŠthatâs new.
âShe was Sauronâ
so youâre telling me Sauron was getting ploughed by Aragorn for thousands of years âas part of a fiendish plan to waylay the heir of Isildurâ, no other reason, Sauron just lying back and thinking of Mordor, hating every second of it, is that what youâre telling me
#i ship eowyn and faramir#likeâŠa lot#but this backstory for aragorn is so much better???#can you imagine him having to explain to frodo#that sauron is his ex???
I would pay SO MUCH MONEY TO SEE THAT! X3
So when Sauron showed Aragorn the visions in the Palantir, it was less âCheck it out, your girlfriendâs deadâ and more âI know what you did last summer (ps it was me)â?
holy fuck
Pointless LOTR headcanon of the day: Frodo & Merry both take after their mothers, meaning Frodo looks more like a Brandybuck than a Baggins and Merry looks more like a Took. This is a constant source of petty contention.
(Pippin meanwhile absolutely takes after his father & is the most Tookish looking)
Merry: call me a Took one more time
Gandalf: if it looks like a Took and acts like a Took itâs a Took
Merry: I will END you
Gandalf is the only nonhobbit in the fellowship who understands the minutiae of Took Vs Brandybuck Vs Baggins rivalry & he delights in it, everyone else baffled
Frodo: look itâs perfectly simple. The Brandybucks donât like the Tooks because they play golf and think theyâre better than everyone because they occasionally go on adventures. The Tooks donât like the Brandybucks because they live on the wrong side of the river and like boats. And nobody likes the Bagginses because theyâre annoying.
Aragorn: are you⊠Including yourself in that
Frodo: I said what I said.
Frodo: now the Bagginses donât like the Brandybucks OR the Tooks because theyâre highly disrepectable but also richer than they are. And as far as a lot of the Bagginses are concerned Iâm a Brandybuck because I grew up in Buckland and I have the Brandybuck Profile
Merry: which just means heâs not pug-ugly
Frodo: quite.
Aragorn: this is all ridiculous. Keep going.
Gandalf: Hm now I wouldnât say UGLY but⊠every Baggins Iâve ever met has been perfectly Round or perfectly Square⊠There is no middle ground.
Gimli, baffled: Frodo isnât round OR square
Merry: thatâs because he has the Brandybuck profile
Gimli: so⊠Is he a BrandybuckâŠ
Merry: ABSOLUTE not
Frodo: slander!! Iâm a Baggins how dare you
Pippin: was your father a Round Baggins or a Square Baggins
Frodo: my father⊠Was the ROUNDEST Baggins who ever lived⊠A perfect Sphere of hobbitâŠ
Imagine if Dudley did have a magical child though.
He and Harry havenât spoken since âI donât think youâre a waste of spaceâ and heâs matured enough to realise his parents were not good to Harry, especially since the birth of his own little girls because God forbid anything happened to him and they were treated like Harry was.
On Daisy Dursleyâs eleventh birthday theres a knock on the door and his wife, Anita, just stares and he feels his stomach drop because the stern lady on the doorstep is wearing a cloak and pointed hat.
They listen to the woman - Professor McGonagall - explain and Anita is surprised but receptive, Daisy is excited and Dudley is terrified of what this means.
Itâs a surprise to his wife and little girl when at the end of her explanation, while Daisyâs flicking through a book with moving pictures and Anita peers over her shoulder, Dudley blurts out âitâs safe now then? Your world?â
Professor Mcgonagall gives a wry smile and assures him that the magical world is indeed safe. It dawns on him that she was expecting this, that sheâd perhaps researched him and was aware of his relation to Harry.
He then admits to Anita and Daisy that his cousin is a wizard, before turning to the Professor and asking if she by chance knows a Harry Potter. Looking amused, professor Mcgonagall acknowledges that she does.
âD'you know where he lives?â
That does surprise her a bit, and she tells him that yes, she knows and that though Daisyâs acceptance into the school has been confidential up until this point, Harry would likely not mind a visitor if he wanted a word.
Daisy begs to come along and he relents eventually, bringing Anita and their youngest, Poppy, along.
All four of them stand on the doorstep of a modest house that Dudley would call nice if there werenât squat little creatures snickering and running around the front garden.
The door is opened by a slouching boy with turquoise hair who arches a purple eyebrow at them. He yells over his shoulder for someone named Ginny and steps back to let them in, and, when he notices Daisy staring at his hair, he smirks and a second later itâs bubblegum pink.
Daisy squeals in delight and Dudley is still trying to get his head around that when young girl and boy around Daisyâs age with bright red hair and thick brown curls respectively, hurtle down the corridor.
âTeddy you promised youâd practice the sloth grip roll with us!â The girl yells in an accusatory tone.
A woman with hair the same shade of flaming red as the little girl appears with what Dudley recognises as a wand in her hand as the boy with blue hair flashes a grin at them before chasing the two younger children outside to a shout of âNo higher than the treetops Teddy!â
Harry is much like Dudley remembers him, lanky with a pointed face, straight nose and mess of untameable black hair. Itâs awkward, but, apparently forewarned, Harry greets him pleasantly and introduces his wife before Ginny goes outside to reign in a gaggle of children he assumes arenât all Harryâs.
A woman with thick, bushy hair pulled into a messy bun with a wand stuck in it smiles and makes an effort to talk to Anita. Sheâs not too strange, he thinks, and reassures them that her parents were just as baffled when they found out she was a witch.
âWhy donât you take Daisy outside to see the broomsticks, Al?â Harry suggests to Daisyâs obvious delight and Dudley swears Harryâs trying not to laugh.
By the end of the visit Dudley is more informed about the wizarding world than he ever thought he would or wanted to be. Daisy, with a bruise on her forehead and scraped knees, because despite both his and Harryâs warning she hadnât been able to resist trying to fly, is bouncing off the walls because âdaddy how could you not tell us?!â
They visit Harryâs a lot over summer and Daisy befriends Lily Luna Potter and Hugo Weasley. Dudley doesnât feel up to the trip to Diagon Alley but regrets his decision to not go when Daisy comes back with two owls, âuncle Harry bought the second one for me! So you can write without having to wait for me to send my owl!â
Petunia Dursley faints when she finds out, and Vernon spends a good half hour cursing and brandishing things aimlessly before retreating to his shed.
Dudley being introduced to what he calls âall those bloody gingersâ some of whom are only just on the right side of civil to him (one cheerfully introduces himself as someone who once visited his childhood home in a flying car and asks if heâs going to need to do the same for Daisy or will she be allowed to attend without punishment).
Daisy is shocked to find out Harryâs famous, and finds out as much as she can about him during her first term, which she relays to an increasingly guilty feeling Dudley, whoâs gradually coming around to the idea.
Itâs not as bad as his parents made out it was. Heâs learned to understand Daisyâs ramblings about her subjects and spells and is proud of her achievements at school. Heâs met a handful of witches and wizards through Harry and the world that heâs always been told is terrible doesnât seem too bad anymore, after all, how could it with his little girl in it? He is prepared come excitable little Poppyâs eleventh birthday, for her to join her sister at Hogwarts instead of standing jealously on the platform as she leaves.
Poppy Dursley never gets a letter.
I TRUSTED YOU
No, but imagine. Three generations later, this family FINALLY gets the one wizard kid/one Muggle kid thing right. Poppy is never made to feel less, even though sheâs disappointed. Daisy is never made to feel like a freak. Poppy is accepted by Harryâs kids, they play with her and she doesnât need magic to play wizard chess or toss gnomes and Teddy takes her flying sometimes (she becomes a hell of a Quidditch referee and strategist with Ginnyâs help, though she never plays).
Anita and Dudley talk to Poppy about what sheâd like to do for school and she goes to a prestigious Muggle school, and as it turns out she becomes really, really good at tech and coding. She takes lots of time off to visit Daisy at Hogwarts where she becomes a favorite of McGonagall (so many clever questions). Eventually she meets Luna and spends most of a summer with her, following Crumple-Horned Snorkacks with the help of some trackers Poppy built to work around magic. Everyone is terribly impressed, and although Poppy tries to be blasĂ© about it, sheâs actually really proud.
And soon enough Daisy is graduating and working at the Ministry in the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office with Arthur Weasley, who has been working on loosening some of the legislation, and when Poppy graduates she has a marvelous idea. She and Daisy open a shop in Diagon Ally for all these Muggle technologies that Poppy has fixed to work around and with magic. Dursleyâs Muggle Magic, they call it.
And suddenly wizards are running around with iPhones and Kindles (Hermione made a digital copy of Hogwarts, a History RIGHT AWAY) and everyone is catching up on decades of video games and a century of movies. Scorpius Malfoy has an Apple Watch. And itâs all thanks the Poppy Dursley, the Muggle.
me: hmm what happens if i forcibly bend this thing
thing: *breaks*
me:
tumblr bitch: liking creepypasta makes you a freak!
me: **growls really hard**
jeff: its ok theyre just jealous babeâŠ
me: i know jeff, i know
slendy: **slaps my fat juicy ass**
me: NOT NOW SLENDY JEFF AND I ARE HAVING A MOMENT
slendy: youre so boring **murders a whole family**
me: **sighs**
police: **en route**
jeff: **the killer**
Stop screaming about how âqueer is a slurâ every time someone says âI like being queerâ or âI id as queerâ or âlet people id as queerâ.
We fucking know. All our words are slurs. Lesbian started as a slur. Gay started as a slur. Bisexual started as a psychological disorder, same with transgender. All our words have bad starts, the point in us using them was to reforge their sword into our armour.
Let us id as queer in peace. Stop harassing people over their identities.
Credits to French artist Pénélope Bagieu (I only translated).
After the one about Wu Zetian, this one is about Mae âUltimate Baeâ Jemison.
Please note that these strips are part of PĂ©nĂ©lope Bagieuâs comic book series âLes CulottĂ©esâ (an untranslatable pun meaning both âThe Bold Onesâ and âThe Panty-wearersâ), which is about awesome women of every era, color, origin, sex and more. If you speak French, I encourage you to read them, there are two as of now!
Take a look at the one about NâZinga
take me down to the
where the leaves are red and the ghosts are pretty
Katara: aang how do I get revenge on those who have forsaken me?
Aang: the best revenge is letting go and living well
Katara:âŠ
Katara: zuko how do I get-
What she says: Iâm fine.
What she means: I understand the Chronicles of Narnia was at its heart a fairytale with theological analogies for children. But why did Lewis never address how they had to adapted to life on Earth again. Why does no one talk about how the Pevensies had to grow up with a kingdom of responsibilities on their shoulders, only to return to Earth and be children. Take Lucy, she was youngest and perhaps she adapted more quickly-but she had the memories and mind of a grown woman in an adolescent body. Edmund literally found himself in Narnia, he went from a selfish boy to mature and experienced man. He found a purpose and identity through his experiences to come back as just Edmund, Peterâs younger brother. Did people wonder why the sullen, sour boy came back, carrying himself like a wisened king? Did his mother wonder why he and Peter suddenly got along so well, why they spent so much time together now? And Susan, the girl of logistics and reason came back with a difference in her. She learned how to be a diplomat and ambassador, Susan the Gentle had to live to endure not-so-gentle circumstances. She had the respect she wanted, only to be just another teen girl. And Peter, he entered the manhood and maturity he so wanted. He earned the responsibility and stripes he yearned for. He learned to command armies and conduct the menial tasks demanded of a king to rule a nation. But he came back, appearing to be just anther glory-hungry boy. Not to mention the PTSD they must have struggled with. Especially Edmund. How often did he wake up in a sweat, screaming a sibling or comradeâs name? His parents believe itâs the war, but itâs an entirely different one he has nightmares about. How often did he have trouble with flashbacks and mood swings? And how many times did he and Peter sit over a newspaper or near the radio listening to reports on the troops. How often did they pour over lost battles and debate better strategies. Did their parents ever wonder why they seemed to understand flight war so well? How long was it before they stopped discussing these things in front of people? Why does no one talk about this???Â
Why am i fucking crying
Why does no one talk about how the Pevensies had to grow up with a kingdom of responsibilities on their shoulders, only to return to Earth and be children
Itâs not addressed because itâs understood. It was the shared experience of the generation. You are describing coming home from World War One, battle wearied and aged beyond belief, but walking around in the body of a youth. C S Lewis went to the front line of the Somme on his nineteenth birthday and went back to complete uni in 1918 after demob.
Not seen it with this very very pertinent addition before
I miss him
himâŠ.
someone: what harry potter house are you :)
me: iâve come to really not like harry potter, because of the way the majority of its fans behave as well as the bullshit jk rowling says and does and im not really comfortable identifying w/ the series anymore
also me: but like, hufflepuff