Forbidden Love
A Jemily One-Shot
Written by: lilliejareau
Author's Note: this was originally going to be for my 1k celebration post but I unfortunately wasn't able to finish writing on time. But I have finished today and I hope you all enjoy this, though it is quite emotional.
Please be kind because I have not posted anything I have written publicly since 2021/2022 because I am very self-critical of my work. Thank you and enjoy! (ps, I don't have gifs and stuff, sorry!)
Word Count: 1,743
(I know it's pretty long, but I got so into it!)
Summary: When JJ marries the love of her life, Emily comes to accept the fact that she has to let hers go.
—
"Are you alright?"
Emily inhaled sharply, startled out of her thoughts. It was JJ who asked the question, standing there in her beautiful bridal dress, reminding Emily of what she lost. Emily's head tilted slightly, her lips pulled upward but not quite showing her teeth.
"Why wouldn't I be?"
JJ did a sort of smile. "You're out here all alone? I figured you'd gone inside like the rest of us."
The dancing had ended moments ago, everyone had gone inside to enjoy the rest of the party as it simmered down. Everyone except Emily who had lingered out on the dance floor with a glass of champagne thinking about the memories she had with the team over the years. She thought about JJ and the 'what-ifs'. She was so incredibly happy for and proud of JJ for finding her true love and having everything she deserved. Having hidden feelings for JJ didn't stop Emily from being delighted for her.
Emily had never loved, hadn't truly loved until she met JJ. By the time she understood and accepted that love, accepted who she was, and what that meant, it was much too late. Her heart ached terribly as the reality set in that she should no longer love JJ. It wasn't fair for either of them. JJ had Will and for years, Emily watched the couple fall in love and develop their relationship into more than what Emily had ever had with somebody before.
Yet, even after all that time, all those years, her forbidden love for JJ never really went away.
Emily shrugged in response to JJ's observation, trying to come off as nonchalant but when she looked up to meet those blue eyes she'd fallen for long ago, she knew that JJ could tell something was up with her. She cursed herself for not hiding it better.
"What's going on in that head of yours?" JJ inquired, eyes slightly narrowed but showed nothing but concern for her friend. Reaching out, she went to take Emily's hand in her own but the brunette pulled away, seemingly against her own will. A strange reaction to a familiar gesture. Something was wrong. "Emily?"
"JJ, I..." Emily tore her eyes away from those blue ones she'd fallen for all those years ago. She knew what she felt for JJ was wrong, that what she was about to say had a possibility of hurting more than keeping it bottled up.
"Em, what is it? You can tell me anything, you know that."
"I love you." the words were regretful and rushed, and one quick breath released what she had bottled up for years. There truly was no going back now. Before JJ could respond, Emily held out a hand to stop her. "You don't have to say anything, I'm not asking you to, but I do love you. I think I always have."
A very long silence filled the air, not only tension but something else that neither could name. A moment and a breath of composure later, JJ's shockingly calm voice filled the silence.
"I know, Emily."
Emily's heart beat rapidly in her chest. "You know?"
JJ gave a slow nod. "Back then, God, I was so blind. I had feelings for you, Emily. I did. But by the time I realized what those feelings were... It took me years to finally understand what I felt for you was love." JJ's eyes shone with emotion and Emily's guilt only grew. 'But I love Will. God, I love Will. And Henry, too. They're my family, Emily, and what we had, what we felt back then...it's gone now. I do have love for you. I love you so, very much, just not in the way you want me to. Not anymore."
Emily knew this would be the rational outcome the moment she opened her mouth and said those words, but that didn't mean it wouldn't hurt. It hurt so terribly, even if she knew and expected JJ's response to be nothing short of rejection.
"I know," she tearfully admitted, voice quiet, barely a whisper. She couldn't look at JJ, her eyes focused on the previously forgotten glass of Dom Perignon she held. She felt like an idiot for admitting feelings she should have never spoken aloud, to begin with. And on JJ's wedding day nonetheless. What was she thinking? The relief of releasing bottled-up feelings wasn't enough to overshadow the guilt.
"I love him, Em, he's my everything. That's my truth and I know this should be the part where I say that I wish I could change that, but I don't. I wouldn't have Henry, my life with Will, I wouldn't have any of what I have now. I know this hurts you, especially coming from me right now, but it's too late for anything more than what you and I already have. You're still my best friend, Emily, and you will always be. That's not going to change."
Emily nodded and finally met JJ's eyes again as a tear slid down her cheek. "I didn't tell you this in hopes of some sort of fairy tale ending. I love you, yes, but you're right, we're best friends. Nothing more. We had our chance and never saw it, it's over now. I just couldn't keep it in any longer. I've been wanting to tell you for a long time. I honestly didn't plan on telling you tonight, I guess it's just the perfect timing, huh?" Emily rolled her eyes at her poor attempt at lightening the mood and shook her head.
JJ didn't say anything, and it was probably better that way. Emily didn't expect an answer. The blonde simply gave her friend a sad smile, leaned in, and hugged her tightly. Emily embraced her back almost immediately. This would be their last hug before she left for London; their last moment alone together. It was very emotional for more reasons than the one.
The hug remained as Emily's mind drifted to the eye contact she and JJ held while the bride shared a dance with her new husband. For JJ, that shared eye contact was about Prentiss leaving for London soon, knowing her best friend was moving to an entirely different country shortly after that very night. But for Emily, it meant so much more. She'd lost her and for good this time. It was over and as painful as it was, it was for the best. JJ had a happy family, a husband, and a beautiful little boy.
It had once been a dream of Emily's that she would settle down and have a family of her own, a husband or a wife, a child or two. But as the years went on, she watched her dream fade away as it became a reality for the woman she loved, the hardest part being that it wasn't with her.
Now she just needed to come to terms with that.
"Thank you for telling me," JJ whispered, holding onto the embrace just a bit longer before pulling away. She could see the pain in those brown eyes and it broke her heart. She studied them longer, seeing the guilt. "I don't want you to feel guilty for admitting what you feel."
"JJ–"
"You don't choose who you fall in love with," JJ interrupted, watching as Emily's eyes recognized those words as they welled up with tears. "Those were your words, Em. I'm glad you told me and maybe in some...parallel universe, we wouldn't be as blind as we were."
"Maybe," Emily softly repeated, bringing up a hand to wipe her cheek. "You're not...disgusted by me?"
"Emily, no," JJ was quick to assure, grasping her friend's hand tightly. "It took courage to tell me what you did, I don't know if I ever could've done it."
"But it's you're wedding day."
"Yeah," JJ nodded. "It is, but what's done is done and there's no changing that. We might not be on the same page when it comes to who we love, but I can assure you that I am proud of you, not disgusted. I don't think I could ever be revolted by you, Em."
"Yeah?" Emily tearfully whispered, looking into JJ's eyes for a sign of reassurance.
JJ smiled. "Yeah."
A touching silence fell upon them as a song played faintly in the background from inside, a familiar melody that both of them knew.
"Em?"
"Hm?"
"Dance with me?"
The brunette was slightly caught off guard by the offer, her lips withholding a response. She had always been so certain that after she told JJ her secret, the blonde wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere near her. Instead, JJ was being as kind of a friend as always and asked Emily to dance. It seemed like such an innocent gesture but to Emily, it was more. It was closure instead of more heartache, and that was something she never expected to have.
"Yes."
JJ took the champagne glass and set it aside, taking Emily's hand in her own and leading them to the center of the dance floor, both women sharing a sad smile as their eyes met, hands interlocked.
This was the end, the end of an era, the end of what could have been, and the beginning of a new journey for both. A journey where Emily would move on, and JJ would remain happy in her family life, content with what she had. Both were certain at that moment that no matter what, their friendship would always be a strong foundation.
For the first time that night, Emily smiled softly, looking into those blue eyes that would be a memory from now on, not a constant reminder. She would no longer look into those eyes and feel her heart ache, her stomach tighten, or that dreadful sense of longing.
JJ was not hers, and she never would be, but at least she could leave with no regrets, the weight off her chest, and a clear conscious. She still loved JJ, and that would never change, but now she knew things she never knew before.
As they held onto each other and slowly swayed to the music, JJ's soft, quiet voice uttered words Emily had longed to hear in a much different manner.
"I love you, Emily. Always."
Emily repeated, her voice just as soft and quiet, words she meant with all her heart. "I love you, JJ. Always."