Lirio

You're not dying, it's called building character

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Journal Entry #20: Reflecting on my first acting class

Well, the semester is coming to an end. It’s been a wild semester. I had fun in my acting class. It was a lighter load, but also chill class to take. Although there were times we did more or did something different, I remember that its an intro class and there’s only so much one can do. Acting has allowed me to be more comfortable watching other people’s emotions. Whenever someone would be vulnerable around me, I begin to feel uncomfortable. I suppose its because of my fear of intimacy. After taking this class, I’ve learned to critique and appreciate good actors. I’ve also gotten more comfortable in having other people look at me. I’m very self conscious when people look at me because I am considered obese. I’m trying to learn to love my body at every stage (no pun intended) and acting in front of unfamiliar faces helped me with that. I would highly recommend this class to anyone, especially those in those hard sciences and learn to have some genuine fun!

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Journal Entry #19: Meditation

Literally my face when Dr. D said, “write down what you felt or what came to your mind when you meditated.” 

I avoided the mediation today. Sometimes I struggle to get myself in a head space where I can meditate because I’m afraid to overthink in a place where I should be doing the opposite. There were a few questions the professor asked that caught my attention. What does being home, in that environment, do to you? What are you gonna do about that?

Oh god, I thought to myself. Being home brings me so. much. stress.

My anxiety levels are sky high here, I get over stimulated, and feel super overwhelmed everyday. I feel the need to try to prove to my family that I can be an adult. I experience more somatic symptoms when I’m not only back in the city, but with my family. The family dynamic is very complex and there are other factors that go into it. Living in poverty freaking sucks. I can easily say that me and my family have anxiety and PTSD from living in poverty. I’ve lived in poverty my entire life so far and I just can’t believe how detrimental it can be. 

What am I gonna do about it? Push trough and stay positive for the next few days. I go back to Iowa next Monday morning. I’ll be working in CR so I have a reason to stay on campus. I am learning to set boundaries between me and my family, despite feeling really guilty about doing so. 

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Journal Entry #18

After doing the partner activity with Bridget, I decided I was gonna make some physical changes for my character monologue. To get into character, I’ll do my hair (maybe curl it), wear an outfit that makes me feel confident, and wear my boots! When a women wears heels, she becomes confident and powerful. I want to try to do the same effect and wear my boots (they’re the closest thing I have to heels). By doing all of this, I’m able to get into character and perform this monologue.

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Journal Entry #17

Today in class, we were paired up and went through each other’s monologues. I was with Bridget and I was excited to work with them. I went first and performed my monologue. I was a lot more focused this time. I made major changes from the first time I performed it to now. The monologue is now in Spanglish (a combo of English and Spanish). It became so much easier to memorize and rehearse lines. I was able to envision myself to be in a conference room just like Teresa was. After performing it, Bridget commented and gave a suggestion. I valued her opinion because she’s an upperclassman and has been doing this longer than I have. 

It was her turn and she went. I was in awe. The character monologue was very presidential. I suggested her to put more emphasis in some (rights) she felt most passionate about. She ran through it a second time and I swear it made the scene 3 times better. Doing this activity was pretty fun!

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Journal Entry #16

I’ve been captivated by the protagonist from the very beginning. She is a badass women. She’s so intelligent and has a way where everyone likes her or is drawn to her. There’s a saying in Spanish that goes, “las mujeres tiene mas huevos que los hombres!” which translates to “women have more balls than men!”. We women can be stronger than men. Teresa executes her operations of smuggling drugs really good. Her operations are flawless. Growing up, she was a salesgirl in the Buelna Mercado. At age 15, she became a money changer and at age 16, she ran her own block. 

Teresa is a survivor. She thinks quickly on her feet and does whatever it takes to make it out alive. Teresa is resourceful and uses what is given to her; she uses any sort of weakness or distraction to her advantage. She’s known for killing people, but she doesn’t want to kill anyone if there’s another way to do things (i.e. doing something at a different time of the day). 

She carries this ambiance where she’s a badass and cool person overall. She’s good with numbers, observes, talks less, analysis a situation, and thinks fast. One of her skills she built when she was money changer in Culiacan is to tell the difference between real and counterfeit money. 

In the show, guys were drawn to her. They found her sexy, intelligent, and mysterious. 

Why did I pick my character monologue from “La Reina del Sur”?

In an alternate world, I would want to carry the same characteristics Teresa has. I want to have that same level of confidence and feel/be sexy. I almost crave it. I miss having a fit, toned body like Teresa. I’m working on my health and be physically active, but its 4 times more difficult to loose weight and body fat when you’re on steroids. I guess you can say Teresa Mendoza could be on my vision board. I don’t mean to copy her. There’s no need to look like her or dress like her. I just want to feel and be more confident, intelligent, and a cool ass person.

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Journal Entry #15

Did I pick the right monologue for myself? Everyone has one that suits them but I feel like mines isn’t. Mine’s in Spanish and its longer than most people. There’s too much to consider in order for it to be good. ASDJKDQFGKWEEM 

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Journal Entry #14

AHHHHH. I actually performed mines. I was a mess. I’m glad I did it, but there was a lot of feelings going on. I was excited to perform this monologue of someone who’s confident, powerful, feminine, and a total badass. Once I started performing it, I lost myself and my focus. I was trying so hard to say the words correctly and in Spanish, but also making sure I am not rushing through it and taking my time with it. I did not focus as much on my posture, the direction I should face, or anything else. I’m just at a loss of words for now.

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Journal Entry #13

Oh my god. I loved Zach’s performance. He wasn’t kidding when he said he was gonna perform something from Spongebob. He had the music and sunglasses going for him. He’s such a goofball, I had a genuine laugh from seeing him act out his character’s monologue. 

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Journal Entry #12

I enjoyed watching Derek and Sarah perform in the breakout rooms. I could watch them both everyday. I felt bad for not having my monologue ready at that time. They seemed like they were looking forward to it. Our breakout room ended up being a Q & A with Derek, which none of us minded!

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Journal Entry #11 Twelve Questions to ask & answer as your character. 

I’ll answer with what happened in season 1 and season 2 combined. 

What do I want most out of life?

What is my strength of will to achieve my life’s desires?

What is my moral stance?

What do I most wish to forget?

What do I feel guilty about?

What am I proudest of?

What are the secrets that I have never disclosed to anyone?

What are my attitudes towards love, sex, life, death?

What are my tastes in clothes, food, music, art, men, women?

What are my prejudices?

What are my fears?

What are my personal habits?

1. I want my daughter to be happy. I want her to forgive me for my past and teach her to protect herself.

2. The love I have for my daughter Sofia. Who would’ve thought that she’d be kidnapped from me at some point? I would do anything for her.

3. I don’t think innocent people should be killed. However, I do kill for my own protection or if anyone trespasses me. I keep my word and I mean it. 

4. I wish most to forget the feeling I felt when I was told that my late fiance, el guero, was killed. More than 20 years have passed and I think about him everyday.

5. I feel guilty about keeping my secrets from Sofia. I didn’t want to scare her of my past. Turns out she knows more than what I think. 

6. I am most proud of getting out of the drug cartel myself. I just didn’t see myself do it for the rest of my life and I knew I didn’t want Sofia to be around that.

7. Well they wouldn’t be secrets if I told a soul now, would it?

8. I think its beautiful to be in love. I’m gonna stay away from it for now. I do have lots of drama and really bad luck with love. I only have sex with someone I really like. I know my worth and I won’t give it away like that. I didn't have a will to live until I found out I was pregnant with Sofia. 

9. I’ve traveled all over the world for work. Yet, I’m still what they call “southern girl”, someone who is from Sinaloa, Mexico. I miss the food, music, traditions, memories I’ve created there. Live music at night with some tequila is one of the best ways to celebrate something. I like strong men that can protect me, make me feel safe. It’s tiring having to look out for myself.

10. I guess I am prejudice towards people of the higher social class. I can never trust them and they always have dirty money.

11. My fears? I’m afraid I am going to die in the “grey hour”. Its around the time when the sun is about to rise. Yet, you can’t tell if its day or night. 

12. My personal habits? I remember to look after myself and Sofia and teach her everything I know. She’s a quick learner and I think she’ll make something of herself when she’s older. 

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Journal Entry #10 Relationship with Themselves. How do they talk about themselves?

Teresa doesn’t talk highly nor poorly of herself. She believes that she’s not meant to have love because every man she’s loved has died (by being killed). She always says that she will one day die during the “grey hour”. She says “it is when you don't know if you live or you've died. If you start or finish. The time is gray at dawn to see the start of a new day for good or ill. Gray when the night is falling and you see a dark world.” 

She describes herself as humble and intelligent. She plans out her drug dealing operations and is creative when it comes to surviving and making sure she doesn’t get killed by her enemies. She is proud of her culture and isn’t afraid to show her love for Sinaloa, Mexico. She follows the traditions and foods back home and brings it to her in places like Spain and Italy. 

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Journal Entry #9 Update: I picked my monologue out!

Guys!!!! I did it :)

Have you ever heard of “La Reina del Sur”? Teresa Mendoza goes from being a poor, naive woman from Sinaloa, Mexico, to running the most successful drug trafficking empires in Southern Spain. Teresa is a badass and a boss. I was introduced to the novela by my mom. It was after school and she said the pilot episode ( first season, first episode) playing on TV from Telenovela. It looked super interesting and my mom was giving a recap of what the show is about. 

Then it clicked. I was so drawn to the show, the main character which is a female protagonist. I was also drawn to the actress, Kate Del Castillo. Both the character she’s playing and the actress are badass woman. I want their level of confidence. It will be fun to be them for a few minutes (in the monologue).

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Journal Entry #8 Struggles on picking a character monologue

I feel like this picture of Michael Jordan crying is the most accurate thing that represents how I feel at this very moment. In a blink of an eye, it sounds like almost everyone in the class has picked out their character’s monologue. I talked with Zach one night and he said he’s gonna act something out from Spongebob. I was like, “ damn, that was so quick.” I felt as if everyone around me has their life together. Why haven’t I picked out mines yet? Am I not looking hard enough? Is it because I don’t consider myself a theater kid? I have been so focused in my psych classes, that I almost forget that I need creativity to succeed in my acting class. 

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Journal Entry #7

Character Monologue

We talked about character monologues in class. There’s so many I can pick from. Do I want to do something serious or do I want it to be funny? I could pick something out from Sesame Street. Would my class know? I don’t know what I want to pick. Looks like this weekend Imma binge watch Netflix and go through some of my recent TV shows or movies. I honestly don’t know how to feel about this assignment. I know its supposed to be our final, but there’s like half the semester left. Do we really need all that time?

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Journal Entry #6

Last week’s class was really fun. We had a script given to us. Our job was to act it and make changes as we pleased. Pitch, speed, and pauses were the bigger changes we made. We were put into break rooms. I was first paired with Derek. He was really fun to work with. His excitement made me be more focused and engaged in class. Then I was suddenly switched to work with Allie. She was sooo much fun. I brought the idea of us pretending to be old men on bingo night. After a few runs and laughing, we slowly incorporated southern accents. The professor came in and was happy to see us have fun with it. We acted it out for them. I brought up another idea for a different scenario where 2 assassins are on a mission, spying and getting ready to kill our target. Person A was goofy and not taking it seriously. Person B was serious and was trying to focus on the mission. 

Overall it was really fun. I’m looking forward to our character monologue.

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Journal Entry #??

Paul Wesley is a great actor. I’ve only really seen his work in Vampire Diaries, plus other shows such as Fallen and 24. In Vampire Diaries, he plays other doppelgangers of his main character, Stephan Salvatore. He’s played Silas, Tom, etc (in the show). Although I consider him to be a good actor, I don’t think his acting is presentational. There are subtle things he’d do or say that would foreshadow what will happen later in the season, but its not as clearly presented as it can be in plays (like greek tragedies or Shakespearean). Sometimes, he plays his character so well, that I cry or sob for a while.

 Debby Ryan is an interesting actor. I’ve seen her play in disney shows and movies such as “the suite life of Zach and Cody on Deck”, Jessie, and other non Disney productions like “Insatiable”. For so long she’s played the same kind of role in Disney (sweet high school girl). When I saw her on Insatiable, I couldn’t get it past my head that she could try to play other roles. Her work is very cringy. Taking into consideration all of this, I don’t even know if her acting is presentational. 

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*Not my picture*

Journal Entry #??

Week 6, we acted out our monologues. Me and my partner went on Tuesday, and the majority went on Thursday. I was happy to read my peer’s comments when my partner read my monologue. I hoped they got a good laugh. It was a different part of me that I didn’t think I’d show to people. Doing drugs as a younger teen was something rebellious I did “back in my days”. When I was reading my partner’s monologue, I was super worried that they weren’t going to approve the way I was acting. I wanted to make it perfect for them. It was their monologue, their story. I am open to criticism, if it means it will help me improve my acting. 

I was in awe when I heard the rest of the class as they acted out their monologue. Each person shared something so personal and intimate. Some moved me in a particular way, while some left me on a cliffhanger. I was so happy for my peers to share something in a safe space. I sometimes wondered hoped I could have written about something else; something I’ve been wanting to share. However, I already have a safe space in therapy where I can be vulnerable with Joe. 

I am looking forward to work on character monologues! I don’t know where to go from there.