“wimp!”
“yep. the three stooges.”
“this broad’s got two asses.”
“i really love this borscht.”
“that is one really, really purple russian!”
“his victims didn’t get a chance to choke on a peanut!”
“you’re not killing anyone, you peanut eating bastard.”
“how’s your head, my little broski?”
“i shouldn’t have moved!”
“you made a choice. it was wrong, but that’s it. it’s over.”
“by the way, you look like hell.”
“is this you not arguing? cause you suck at it.”
“no i get these made special by the same guy that put the tattoo on my ass.”
“i forgot the alamo.”
“i got a cousin in texas.”
“not unless it’s the miss lamaze pageant.”
“yeah, right, in a thong.”
“in a tasteful one piece!”
“i don’t even own a dress, i don’t even own a brush.”
“what part of that is supposed to shock me?”
“damn right. the spinning, the twirling, the smiling. the cute little tap number.”
“i don’t know, man. she’s got a lot of rage.”
“so join the marines.”
“my god, can you really be this superficial.”
“hard to believe, right?”
“especially without their knowledge!”
“if you are ( muse name ) i quit here and now.”
“yeah kinda having a bad hair day. hair decade, really.”
“you like caps?”
“it is always yes, never yeah. sit down.”
“have i offended you in some way?”
“i haven’t seen a walk like that since jurassic park.”
“it’s not the bloody ice capades.”
“because i’m preparing to run away!”
“it takes a very secure man to walk like that.”
“it’s all in the buttocks! don’t i look pretty!?”
“hey hey! i’m gliding here! asshole.”
“when she gets there, he’s gonna take one look at that fake rack and send her back.”
“look, she’s gonna cry again.”
“oh! if i only had a brain!”
“i am somewhat less than amused.”
“with some work she’ll be ready for the world’s finest trailer park.”
“both painful and grotesque, isn’t it.”
“hopefully remove the beer stains and steak residue.”
“as long as it doesn’t say thank you very much for the country music award.”
“yeah, well, my iq just dropped ten points.”
“i am in a dress, i have gel in my hair, i haven’t slept all night, i am starved, and i’m armed. don’t. mess with me.”
“my god, i’m good.”
“operation thong has commenced.”
“why don’t you stun gun yourself.”
“one little mistake, and i’m a bloody bellhop.”
“washington – nice apples.”
“she’s obviously been drinking too much coppertone.”
“yeah, i’m talkin’ to you – i’m lookin’ at you.”
“at least she thinks i’m funny.”
“i wake up every morning, look in the mirror and say who is that old (man/woman) wearing my pajamas?”
“don’t cry for me … alabama.”
“OH JESUS CHRIST! sorry, i had a bite of my bagel and i forgot to pray.”
“they slammed their doors when i said chocolate. they didn’t give me a chance to say fat free!”
“excuse me! i am in the middle of a rem cycle over here!”
“no armored car?”
“that would be in my other dress.”
“this (man/woman) has no talent!”
“listen to me, you old fruit cake.”
“how dare you, you cupcake!”
“you are not having sex on this stage.”
“i know, you think i’m gorgeous.”
“what’s her talent, bar tending?”
“of course he had a gun. it’s texas. everyone has a gun. my florist has a gun.”
“i don’t have a gun. my ancestors were quakers.”
“what’s the other seventy percent, cleavage?”
“i would so love to hurt you right now.”
“you have sarcasm and a gun!”
“i am a miserable, grumpy, old elitist. and that works for me.”
“none of your damn business, that’s why.”
“you look good wet.”
“those better be candy dishes.”
“it’s for the little baggies under your eyes.”
“oh, good, hairspray, something i recognize.”
“it stops the suit from riding up!”
“that would be harsher punishment for parole violators… and world peace.”
“that was charming. are you drunk?”
“glad you enjoyed it. now if you’ll excuse me i have to go unscrew my smile.”
“hey, listen to me, sparky.”
“well, leg waxing. fake orgasms. the inability of men to commit.”
“what, you want me to beat it out of her?”
“uh, it’s light beer, and she’s gonna throw it up anyway.”
“i’ll sit here with my very large, very cheesy pizza.”
“first step pizza, second step flaming batons.”
“i guess we’ll be needing some more pizza.”
“this is my third one of these and i don’t feel a thing!”
“don’t worry about that, we all suck.”
“no wonder you’re still a virgin.”
“speaking of illegal, have you ever committed a crime?”
“one time, i stole red underwear from the department store.”
“my mother wouldn’t buy them for me! she said they were satan’s panties!”
“ — anyway, he attacked me.”
“(he/she)’s just got a boot up (his/her) ass about something!”
“(he/she) threw a chair out the window!”
“why don’t you jump on (him/her) dressed like a bavarian fruit cake!?”
“where are you getting your information from, a pajama party?”
“betrayal implies an action, you just stood there!”
“part of the job is following orders!”
“the other part of the job is using your brain!”
“take the rule book and just throw it out the window!”
“i like the rule book! i like knowing what i can and cannot do!”
“don’t do that! that slow creepy thing in the shadows! (name) used to do that!”
“you’re a genius.”
“no, i’m just pissed off.”
“if i ever had a child, i imagine they’d be somewhat like you. which is perhaps why i’ve never reproduced.”
“maybe (he/she) couldn’t take the pressure. (he/she) ate four slices last night!”
“i overslept my beauty sleep.”
“which one of these is, uh, lipstick?”
“i forgot my breasts, hold on i’ll be back.”
“that was incredibly stupid of me.”
“oh, shit.”
“that must’ve hurt.”
“not even a traffic ticket. model citizen, beauty contestant, pageant director, loving (mom/dad.)”
“a sniveling, obsequious, weasel of a human being.”
“(his/her) assistant (name)? asshole (name)?”
“you ate pizza, you stole panties, you’re a wild woman.”
“wait a minute, i’m not with him with him it’s not like that.”
“come on, muffin!”
“(he/she) certainly lit my fire.”
“what, disgusting perverted (name)?”
“you’re drinking my talent!”
“i once saw a girl who rearranged furniture.”
“that and a right hook.”
“oh, (he/she)’s kicking (his/her) ass!”
“we’ll be back with our final five lesbians. err, interviews.”
“can we say lesbians?”
“you got a problem with that?”
“terrific answer. damnit.”
“my god. i did it.”
“and if anyone tries to hurt one of my new friends, i would take them out. i would make them suffer so much that they’d wish they were never born. and if they ran, i would hunt them down.”
“a brief shining moment and then that mouth.”
“yes. wear the crown. be the crown. you are the crown.”
“i was right in the middle of my song! and there was this big explosion!”
“where you’re going, i’m sure they’d love to meet a former beauty queen.”
“yeah, he means m-e-a-t.”
“when i met you, dennis rodman looked better in a dress! but now you’re a lady!”
“you know what you’re under arrest, get in the car.”
“you got a really good shot at that insanity plea.”
“twenty five years of bitching beauty queens and what do i get? FIRED!”
“get it, the women’s correctional facility?”
“i don’t know, maybe we could have dinner?”
“no, just a casual dinner.”
“if we happen to have sex afterwards, so be it.”
“you think i’m gorgeous, you wanna date me.”
“and i’m suddenly very aware and proud of my breasts.”
“that’s funny, me, too.”
