Living Beyond the Box

by Dr. Nelson L. Noggle

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Carrying Too Much?

We’ve discussed in the past that people place us in The Box, but that other circumstances are also impacting us in the same way – Many Boxes Possible … PEOPLE FINANCES MY STUFF MYBELIEFS PARENTS ALLOWANCE CLOTHING ABOUT HOME SIBLINGS SCHOOL COSTS SCHOOL MATERIALS ABOUT SCHOOL CLASSMATES SCHOOL DEBTS CELL PHONE(S) ABOUT CHURCH TEACHERS HOURLY WAGES COMPUTER(S) ABOUT WORK COACHERS SALARIED WAGES TOYS ABOUT JOB PLACE SPOUSE(S)       SECOND JOB SKATE BOARD(S) ABOUT BOSSES FRIENDS OVERTIME PAY BICYCLE(S) ABOUT FRIENDS OTHER FAMILY WORK COSTS  AUTO(S) ABOUT MARRIAGE COUNSELORS BONUSES BOAT(S) ABOUT COUNSELING JOBMATES JOB BENEFITS HOUSE(S) ABOUT RETAIL BUREAUCRATS      COMMUTE COSTS CABIN(S) ABOUT WHOLESALE BOSSES COMMISIONS TOOLS ABOUT SALES PEOPLE SALES PEOPLE RENT/LEASE    HOBBY STUFF  ABOUT POLITICIANS CUST SERVICE HOUSE PURCHASE ORG FEES ABOUT GOVERNMENT COLLECTORS HOUSE SALE TIME SHARES ABOUT MILITARY POLITICIANS RENTAL PURCHASE STOCK/BONDS ABOUT LAW ENFORCEMENT MILITARY RENTAL INCOME HOUSE GOODS ABOUT SERVICE PROVIDERS POLICE HOUSING COSTS FARM(S) ABOUT NEWS MEDIA GOVT WORKERS RENTAL COSTS    GARDEN(S) ABOUT SOCIAL MEDIA CHURCH PEOPLE TRAVEL COSTS FITNESSABOUT DOCTORS/NURSES REPARI WORKERS AUTO PURCHASE TV/RADIO(S)   ABOUT THE NATION NEWS MEDIA AUTO COSTS AUDIO EQUIP ABOUT THE STATE SOCIAL MEDIA TAXES  STORAGE ABOUT THE COMMUNITY MEDICAL STAFF INSURANCES PLANE(S) ABOUT GOD TRANSFORMATION DONATIONS JEWELRY ABOUT EVOLUTION   CREDIT/CARD DEBIT TIMEPIECE(S)  ABOUT RELIGION(S)   LOANS/SAVINGS BUSINESS(ES) FITNESS/HEALTH   FINES COLLECTIBLES SELF-IMAGE   BUSINESS COSTS   THE PAST   STOCK MARKET   THE FUTURE Have you read my article about Lost without the Box? Read the full article

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LET IDEAS COMPETE, NOT PEOPLE ... [Don Thoren]

A close friend and colleague of mine coined the phrase, “Let ideas compete, not people!” The aim of The Box is to control one another, so Don Thoren’s phrase cannot apply while we’re playing “the game with The Box”. When a contract exists, stated, implied, or assumed, it always contains the basic elements: directions, rewards, punishment, and entertainment. Often, as a result, the conflict begins over how well The Box is applied and not necessarily about what is being directed to be done. This is when emotions, ego, and pride enter the picture often to the extent that directions are not followed, or the relationship suffers. Too many uses of The Box, and/or abusive forms of it, causes problems that turn the whole thing into a competition and then into a conflict. Often, two well-meaning people end up fighting one another emotionally and sometimes physically. Too often the real problem is The Box. Trust between people tends to offset the need for using The Box on one another. When we trust one another to “keep our word” , we typically don’t have to resort to using The Box to force what we want. In fact, it is this Boxlike Process that actually begins to destroy trust. It sets artificial criteria to judge one another rather than to wait patiently for the final result. This is escalated when short schedules or timelines are involved. Even loved ones suffer from such conflicts when they impose The Box to maintain control over one another. By the time a relationship begins to suffer too much, many unsatisfactory uses of The Box leads to increasing numbers of conflicts and unresolved issues demanding someone’s performance. It’s like failure begins when we guard ourselves from the possibilities of failure. Let’s face it, we perform best when we want to do well, not when someone is looking over our shoulder to see how we’re doing.  The Box becomes a heavy burden to carry. Enforce and follow to get what we want--not to mention, The Box the other person counters us with.  Soon, Two Boxes are lined up against one another, but it looks and feels like two people out to hurt one another. We need to be aware of where The Box takes us … Read the full article

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Developing Self-Control

Self-control can be viewed in two ways: Having control while we are in The Box Having control when we are not in The Box   When we are in The Box we are using our free will to decide if we are going to accept the “rules of the game" – whether or not we will follow the directions originally given, and accept the rewards, punishment, entertainment promised. If we decide to comply, that is one choice, leaving our free will to explore ways to succeed . If we don’t comply, there are an infinite number of new terms we could try to negotiate instead of those originally offered, or we could actually turn things back on the other persons and put them in The Box with our own terms. In fact, this is often what happens when we feel strongly about not choosing to comply. We often just Answer The Box with The Box – with each party seeking the best deal. But when we are not in The Box, we have the choice of escaping it altogether as the method for motivating one another to do our biding. However, given that The Box is so common and easy to use, we often end up using it ourselves or falling into one offered by others. This makes life a continual series of tiny negotiated or forced contracts leaving everyone feeling they have too little or too much control plus everything associated with those feelings. We habitually fall back into the pattern we and everyone else is accustomed to following. We use The Box to get them to do what we want them to do, and they use it to get us to do what they want us to do.  And, once again we just Answer The Box with The Box.   It is so easy to jump back into The Box. A lifetime of using, fighting or negotiating The Box leads us to just tolerate “coexistence” instead of working for a far more desirable thing we call “cooperation”.  In fact, we frequently exit times of working together feeling very unsatisfied with the result, process or both – that happens when we use The Box on each other to force agreement. The problem we face in the modern world is that we’ve gotten very good at becoming more and more independent, and have really lost our sense of interdependence – we’ve lost the feeling that we can count on one another.  Instead, we compete with one another so that we get the best terms for ourselves – we have become better and better at being selfish. And, we end up mistreating those who do easily comply with our demands. Families, organizations, and governments wrestle with this uncooperative environment all the time. In fact, billions of dollars if not more are spent because of this unsettling stream of battle after battle as we use The Box to get what we want from one another. Stress on the job, lack of job loyalty and low-performing teams are big problems facing organizations today. We need to Unbox! Read the full article

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The Box at School

When we went to school as a child or teen, teachers and principals had rules, assignments, tasks, homework, and a lot more for us to do. Like with our parents, The Box was the primary method used to motivate us to complete our work satisfactorily. Yep, DIRECTIONS, REWARDS, PUNISHMENTS, AND ENTERTAINMENT were the boundaries of our classrooms, playgrounds and cafeterias, gyms, auditoriums, school buses, hallways, and restrooms. Also, our parents may have added to the homework burden by also riding herd over our homework. In short, our own motivation to learn is not trusted enough to guarantee that we will comply with what we are directed to do. By the time we reach our teen years, we will have been in the clutches of hundreds, if not thousands, of situations ruled by The Box. Three Kinds of Learners in School - Highschool In high school, we find three kinds of learners: Winners – those who comply nearly always with The Box getting rewards and avoiding punishment. In general, they look like they are having a good time. Losers – those who often defy The Box, getting few rewards and receiving a lot of punishment. In general, looking like they are not having a good time. Loners – those who find their motivation somewhere else, about half wanting to learn and about half find other places to learn – sometimes winning and sometimes not. All three types of learners are impacted by The Box. Many of the winners are secretly hating it, but they put up with it to get the rewards, avoid punishment, and find fun in being treated better than others. Even those who win regularly tend to derive their self-esteem from their “wins”. Nearly all of the losers are impacted by The Box (either suffering lost self-esteem or having been left behind academically) are being mistreated by those who feel they are better, or they are building new habits for getting through the school day and coping with pressure from their parents. Note – many times winners suffer from pressure at home to constantly succeed. Meanwhile, loners tend to reveal little about how The Box is affecting them.  They might look shy, defiant, unhappy, in a daze, or distracted.  Win or lose, they are less impacted openly by The Box, so we cannot judge their self-esteem easily or jump to conclusions it’s low because they are so quiet. If we’re clear about our own school days, we know that other kids derive their attitudes toward us according to whether we're a winner, loser or loner. Some of us carry their view of us along as our own view of ourselves. Some of us assume what others are thinking about us according to our early experiences with parents, teachers, and peers. Some of us break free of early self-feelings and find that college, jobs, spouse, and/or adult friends give us reason to feel differently about ourselves. But, The Box is encountered in the adult world. So, we need to learn how to cope, escape, and Live Beyond The Box. Read the full article

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Is Suicide an Option?

A Steady Diet of The Box and Abusive Boxes can be devastating. They can cause serious psychological problems for anyone. As this continues to exacerbate, we resort to suicide. The book Living Beyond The Box can help you assess just how much The Box plays a controlling part of your life. Constant day-to-day, week-to-week and month-to-month episodes of someone using The Box to control what you think, say and do can cause us to adopt survival-like behaviors to live through it. Adding abusive methods to how they control us can make it even worse. Indicators of Stress that Leads to Suicide The words helpless, hopeless, and worthless are serious stress indicators of being controlled in an excessive manner. They almost form a scale measuring the mounting stress we feel … H E L P L E S S -> H O P E L E S S -> W O R T H L E S S ONE -> TWO -> THREE -> FOUR -> FIVE -> SIX -> SEVEN In other words, the more we feel forced and controlled, the more stress we feel, which leaves us feeling little or no control at all. Too much of this and we can feel no way out and begin a climb from helpless to hopeless and even to worthless. And, this is a frightening place to find oneself to be, especially on a constant basis. This kind of situation moves into a tragic direction when people experience being over-controlled everywhere they turn—be it under the domination of a single person or nearly everyone they encounter. Their self-esteem is gradually reduced to the feeling of losing the battle at every turn. When this happens, people can eventually find that they can’t even trust themselves any longer – and this is when drastic methods like fighting back violently, running away, or even suicide can cross their minds. HELPLESS – feel like I don’t know what’s wrong or who I can trust HOPELESS – feel like there is nowhere or nobody to turn to WORTHLESS – feel like I’m incapable and unworthy Most people encounter The Box and learn to muddle through the diverse impact of parents, teachers, religious leaders, bosses on-the-job, marital problems including divorce, and the influence of peers or friends. But, a few encounter more control than they can handle emotionally, be it constant or abusive. Professional counseling can help when The Box gets too chaotic or confusing for anyone, but it is especially helpful for those starting the dangerous climb of helpless, hopeless, and worthless. Don’t let fear or pride keep you from getting help. And, suicide hotlines are a good place to start if you are too overwhelmed to look elsewhere. Read the full article

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Life's Humorous: Jumping from One Box to Another

The book, Living Beyond The Box, attempts to look at the ways people and situations that tend to control us. As part of its observations, it looks at how life's humorous to us as we jump from One Box to Another. Life's Humorous with Many Boxes Having Many Boxes in our lives certainly makes life interesting, if not complex and chaotic. It is as though we are jumping through hoops, over hurdles, and into swamps. One of the reasons it all begins to look or actually become humorous is that our tactics to handle Each Box feels or looks like we are fighting a losing cause. We end up using the same tactics over and over, even if they don’t work in some situations. Then, as we become emotionally involved, our tactics become infused with “fight/flight” reactions that actually make us feel or look stupid. Let’s face it – stupid actions often look humorous. But, they can look sad or frightening, too. And, as we tend to have Many Boxes that we are dealing with, our entire behavior pattern can look hilarious, pathetic, or threatening to others. During certain stages of our lives, aspects of our jobs or phases of our family life we can become “owned” by handling so many frustrating situations that confront us. We can easily creep into various games called “pity parties”, “lifting a glass or two” and so forth. Standing far enough away, either as a person reading this book or through therapeutic assistance we can sift through the humor and seriousness of being overwhelmed by a Steady Diet of The Box. Isn’t it interesting how often we find ourselves laughing later about situations in our life that seemed so serious when we live through them?  Remember, too many years of being over-controlled by The Box can lead to “mid-life crisis” or worse – and that’s not funny. Read the full article

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Lost without The Box

The Box is so common that people feel lost if they don’t know the rules for any situation where they find themselves. They become uncomfortable and do not know what someone expects from them. They need to know how to “win” or “survive”. What are the rewards? What is the downside? And yet, they still want the situation to be at least comfortable, if not fun. When people find themselves in a lot of Boxes they, as was discussed in an earlier blog, can grow dependent on either being “controlled” or needing a “high”. As a result, they are caught up in looking for The Box in every relationship. Sadly, they feel more comfortable being Boxed-In. Many people released from prison after a number of years have felt this way. There seems to be some kind of safety or comfort in The Box. And, this makes it all the more difficult for people to take their “free-will” elsewhere. They don’t mind exercising it inside The Box where the rules and potential outcomes are known. Perhaps this is one of the reasons abused children or abused wives stay so long in that abusive relationship. The Truth about The Boxes Not all Boxes are bad. But, being constantly “owned” by The Box tends to make us vulnerable to getting into a bad one eventually. Relationships that are built upon a more negotiated basis for everyone involved, tend to help us feel freedom where it makes sense to us, and there is a kind of “give & take” atmosphere. But, because The Box is so common, it is easy to learn to live with it, moving from one to another day-to-day, hour-to-hour, and minute-to-minute. Living Beyond The Box is not easy, as the book of the same title explains. But, learning to understand how The Box works, where it can lead us long-term, is only the beginning. The book helps you examine The Boxes of your life, what to do in healthy and unhealthy boxes, and how to escape really bad ones and begin to live with more freedom.  It also recommends professional counseling if your situation is too complex, intolerable or frightening. Read the full article

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Pro & Con about The Box

The book, Living Beyond The Box, was written to offer explanation and guidance about the world we live in, and all of the factors exercising “control” over us.  It looks at how parents, teachers, bosses, religious leaders, and friends try to control what we think and do.  It presupposes that we actually have “free will” to go along with, escape from, or modify that control. It clearly portrays The Box as something very common that everyone encounters.  But, there is a profound aspect to being in The Box that we need to know. There can be an upside to being in or using The Box, and there can be a downside. And, it has everything to do with who you really are and who you become. Distinguishing the Pros and Cons about The Box Living in The Box requires knowledge and skills on how to negotiate the best terms for meeting the desires of those using it to control your choices and actions. Using The Box to control others requires a different set of knowledge and skills to maintain that control over them. Trying to escape The Box requires still another set of knowledge and skills. In essence, we need various knowledge and skills just to “play and win” whenever The Box is involved. By definition, this “game-playing” requires us to look out for our own self-interests – to be selfish. The biggest pro or con involving The Box is how well we play the selfish game and win. Playing it well can serve us on the one hand, but hurt us on another. We might be served by getting what we want, but seen as selfish and uncooperative. Our negotiation skills can tend to slip into debate techniques, persuasion methods, and conflict-resolution or damage control. It might be the reason “the world” is growing in run-away selfishness. What Living Beyond The Box Is about The book looks at the consequences of abusive and frequent uses of The Box. Many of life’s problems can be traced to being victimized by it, or to victimizing others. In fact, though not stated as such… The Box is a Con-Job !!!!! My wish for everyone is to find themselves, and their self-esteem in something more than winning in or with The Box. We are so much more than that. Read the full article

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Young Kids: How Parents Discipline Them

The tone and loudness of our voice affect young kids more, as well as our body language and eye contact.  The emotionality of our parenting method has a huge impact on young kids. Not to mention, it affects older children and adults, too. Without getting into physically abusive parenting, it is important to realize that the emotional use of The Box can make us look less loving and more menacing.  It’s important because we want our kids to trust us and not be afraid of us.  We have to be very careful as to what young children are “really learning” when we discipline them. Disciplining Young Kids Think about it for a moment – how do we feel when someone yells at us and looks hateful or angry at us?  And, we’re not young kids anymore. Remember, there is already a size difference whereas an adult is much bigger than young kids. As parents, we can actually look like a bully or even a monster. Then there is the problem where we slam the door, pound on the table or stomp the floor for emphasis. But it is easy for some of us to fall back on the age-old excuse, “If I had to go through this, they can too!” Yep, emotional abuse can be a generational curse. In a previous blog, we discussed that The Boxes we as adults are in at work or elsewhere can cause stress that we can, in turn, bring home with us. We can also be stressed by the differences between us and our spouses on how to discipline our kids. Stress, unfortunately, only ramps up our emotions and escalate conflicts we have with children (and adults). Stressed-out, boxed-in parents can inadvertently take things on their kids – collateral damage of the worst kind. Here is a kid faced with everything but a loving, understanding parent. Damaged Adults are Boxed-In Adults A true sadness of this emotional bashing is that it leaves deep scars. Many adults are really “walking wounded” and are triggered by someone getting emotional with them. For some, the better part of valor is to leave (a flight type of stress reaction). For others, the game is on for a good argument (a fight type of stress reaction). Emotionally abuse people can be ruled by these fight-flight tendencies. The same is true for young children who might cry and run away, or cry and have a temper tantrum. There is also the child who acts at whatever level it takes to get the parents off their back – fake commitment – the road to later rebellion. The Box, with its easy-to-use directions (rewards, punishment, and entertainment), is too often the common method for parenting young kids. A steady diet of it can be a problem even without emotional or physical abuse. Add emotional manipulation or abuse to it, and the kids have lost their loving, understanding parents. They will eventually turn to someone else. Read the full article

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When is The Box a Bad Box?

The Box is the most common way parents, teachers and leaders use to motivate us to do their bidding.  By itself, The Box is very easy to understand, whether or not it’s used on us or we use it on someone else.  Most people would say, “Welcome to the world!” But, when is The Box considered a Bad Box?  The Box isn’t bad in and of itself.  Abusive forms of it are bad  Drastic physical or emotional punishment is bad  Total lack of rewards and entertainment can be bad  A steady diet of it is bad  Too many people using it (too many boxes) is bad  Too frequent of a use of it (micro-managing) is bad  Neglect is bad (nobody teaching or guiding) is bad Obviously, abusive forms of The Box can be a horrible, tragic, or bad box. Manipulative reward promises, threats of violence or abandonment, and inappropriate types of entertainment are certainly suspect.  As it is used in order to “force” us to obey, instead of encourage us, things head into an abusive direction.  Of course, one-time uses to protect us from being hurt by sudden occurrences are OK.  Basically, when “power” is the method of choice, something is not right. Does Power Causes Bad Box? Of course, when power has been established, the user of The Box can simply ride on our fear or awareness that what they say goes. The totally boxed-in person is too afraid or wise to challenge someone who has abused them before – they feel he or she will abuse them again.  This can apply to women who cannot break away from or accuse their abusive husbands – or children who cannot break free or accuse their abusive parent(s). When a person encounters too many people using The Box on them, or someone important using it over and over, it begins to overwhelm them. They begin to feel victimized.  A Steady Diet of The Box is bad.  Many people are stressed out because everywhere they turn they feel they are losing control over their own lives.  Many who are suffering a mid-life crisis are simply rebelling against this dark oppression of their “free will”. If or when things get too tough to handle, or many people start to be concerned about your situation, it may be an important time to turn to a competent counselor or therapist.  But, beware of seeking out someone who already controls you in some kind of systematic way – sometimes trusted friends use The Box to control us. Remember, it is people who use The Box. Read the full article

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Parental Impact on Children

Parental impact plays a significant role in every child’s development. People who are caught up in The Box for much of their own lives usually resort to it when they become parents.  Perhaps you can remember saying as a child I’ll never do that to my kids! Only to find yourself saying later as a parent oh no! I’ve become my mom (or dad)! Boxed-in Parents tend to box-in their children.  Our self-esteem dwindles as we are over controlled by others. Then, we find ourselves saying well, I am going to control these kids! We completely forget about parental impact and just blame the adults.

Parental Impact and The Box The really most unfortunate aspect of this is that The Box is so easy to use.  The method is very straight-forward: tell them what to do; offer rewards; threaten punishments and make them sound like fun doing it. Hitler definitely told the German citizens what, how, and when to do his bidding and used rewards and punishments thereby forcing people to do it. But, he added something clever, sinister actually. He added entertaining elements to it to make people feel like it was fun. A huge number of Germans were boxed-in to carry out horrible crimes against others both within and outside Germany. The power of Hitler’s Box began in its simplicity of use that could be passed down to those under him to use. In a way, parents simply pass down The Box to those under them – their own children. Then, we all walk around with a common feeling: If it was good enough for me, it’s good enough for them! There are two things to consider to create a positive parental impact: Is there a correct way to use The Box? Is there a way to avoid using The Box? If One Resorts to Using The Box If we must or choose to use The Box, then we must make to use it constructively and avoid abusive techniques or the abuse of a steady diet. Remember, the ultimate goal of parenting is to prepare kids to someday think and act on their own. If we constantly control their every move, when will they get a chance to try things on their own? Far too many kids enter the workforce or college blind-sided by choices and responsibilities for the first time. Remember, their peers tend to lead them astray and thus offer another type of control. This is where the book Living Beyond The Box can help.  It gives a deeper understanding of The Box and its consequences. Also, it helps in deciding what to do when others use it on us, and when we use it on others. To be a better parent, we first need to better handle Boxes We’re In. Read the full article

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The Baggage We Carry

One of the long-term problems often discovered during therapy is that we are “carrying too much baggage” around with us. Too much baggage overwhelm us. This causes life to feel complex and sets our emotions into a frenzy. It is even worse when things don’t get better no matter what we do. Some baggage are the result of terrible trauma in our lives and are often what therapists look for as the culprit. But, the harder issues to uncover and understand are those that happen when people encounter a steady diet of The Box. Typically, unless there is outright physical or emotional abuse, The Box at any given moment seems easy and straight-forward to deal with. It’s simple really to listen carefully to what someone tells us what to do, judge the rewards, punishment, and enjoyment associated with doing it. But, there is an additive effect when more and more people use The Box on us constantly. Eventually, we either conclude that “this is life”, or decide to “stand up for ourselves”. We face conscious or unconscious submission or rebellion. It is as though we are brainwashed into one or the other. Then, to make matters more confusing, we find friends who support us and the way we deal with things. Unawareness of the Box as the Cause of Baggage Unfortunately, if we do not know it is The Box that is causing us trouble, we often point at people. We can always find others who are tired of parents, teachers or bosses who try to control us all the time. Even though we never suffer one particular traumatic event, the culmination of many controlling events can cause too much baggage and advice such as “get over it” or “move on” just doesn’t help. It is far too complicated to begin discounting our authority figures. The overly sympathetic friends might even invite us to simply “party it all away”, and introduce “alcohol or drugs” as a way of calming our emotions.  Unfortunately, sympathetic friends, parties, alcohol, and drugs can Box Us In, too. In the book, Living Beyond The Box, it suggests that one of the most common ways of dealing with The Box is to just Trade Boxes.  This type of trading is what also adds to the complexity and emotionality associated with The Box. Eventually, if we don’t find a better way, we just become part of the problem with a solution too far away to be found. Taken too far, we actually become The Box That Controls Us. Talk about living in a complex world … So, whenever we consistently feel helpless, hopeless and/or worthless, we should consider seeing a competent therapist – a professional dedicated to getting to the bottom of our anger or fear. A simple single event is seldom the “core cause” of feeling over-controlled – be prepared to spend the time necessary to unravel the complexities of your situation. Read the full article

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What We Often Want: The Box

A steady diet of The Box means that almost everyone we know uses it and uses it often. The box is what we often want. It is almost like there is nothing else going on. We simply live from one to another. Sometimes we no longer give a thought to changing strategies as we go along. But, we always know “who” we like best, and without realizing it we begin to crave their Box over others. In fact, we begin to use strategies to manipulate others to make their Box more like the one(s) we like best. We have to admit indeed the box is what we often want. How The Box Is What We Often Want Since most of what we know is living in Boxes, we become accustomed to dealing with them—from person to person and situation to situation. So, it is when we begin to like living in the Box. We become good at coping with or handling and manipulating certain people and their Boxes. It is more comfortable and there are fewer ambiguities to deal with. We actually begin to desire certain Boxes and the kind of people who use them. We begin to create relationships and friendships based on The Box that suits us best. When asked “why do you like that person?” we often say “they treat me nice.” The Box is what we often want more its easy-to-understand formula shows us how to “win”; hence, satisfy people, especially the ones we want to satisfy most. That is where the difficulty begins—the people we need to satisfy the most don’t always use The Box we like. To make matters worse, they don’t like it when we use the tactics we learned to use in our favorite Box. So, we find ourselves in a more difficult relationship. It becomes harder to win because we have never learned how to adjust to all the various Boxes we have to deal with. Yet, we still crave The Box—we want it spelled out how we can please the person using it. If there weren’t so many people and situations with so many Boxes, life would be simple. Hence, life is decidedly more difficult than we’d like it to be. But, to make matters worse, we often Use The Box Ourselves. Others try to control us, and we try to control others. Soon we find ourselves playing the game “If you do this for me, I’ll do that for you!” The game is on. A Life Living Beyond the Box The book, Living Beyond The Box helps us to understand what is going on as people try to control one another. It also helps us explore the strategies for making things better. While The Box is easy to use, it is not the only way we need to treat one another. Nor if we are caught in one, is it a hopeless mess. We can learn how to prevent, cope with, avoid, and escape bad Boxes. We can also learn how to use The Box appropriately, and allow others more choices to make on their own. Trying to constantly motivate others is hard work. They don’t like it any better than we do. Remember, “midlife crisis” (or worse) stems from a steady diet or abusive forms of The Box. Read the full article

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Using the Box as a Method of Choice in Home and in School

When we were kids, the major adults in our lives were our parents and teachers.  They spent a lot of time trying to motivate us to follow rules, get good grades, don’t get into trouble, treat other kids nicely, be extra nice to adults, do the homework assigned, do various chores, and so on.  Since the same thing also happened to them as kids, they came to us equipped with The Box and its demanding structure of directions, rewards, punishment, and entertainment—using the box as a method of choice.  As the book, Living Beyond The Box points out, Adolph Hitler and his henchmen refined and exploited such an approach almost to perfection and drove an entire nation of people to enact horrible crimes against other nations and certain subpopulations within their own.

Using the Box as a Method of Choice Our parents and teachers had an enormous and profound responsibility – and they wanted to succeed.  Unfortunately, having come from The Box themselves they often only softened or strengthened it as they used it to motivate us.  In fact, The Box was the method of choice, both because of its generational application and its ease of use.  That’s right, our parents and teachers preferred to use the box as a method of choice – and many if not most are using it today. As the book pointed out, a steady diet or abusive forms of The Box are major problems.  As individuals trying to find our way in the world, we want and need certain levels of freedom to control our own destiny.  To simply “win or lose” in The Box eventually gets to us – one simple definition of “mid-life crisis” is finding ourselves suddenly striving to break free of The Box.  There comes a point in time when our marriage, job, church and or friends seem to demand too much of us and we just can’t take it anymore. Conclusion We, therefore, need to understand The Box as well as all the Major Boxes in our lives. If we don’t, we could suffer beyond necessary. In fact, we can actually become our own worst enemy and thereby Box ourselves in. The complexity of having too many forces demanding things from us can actually lead to emotional and psychological problems. This is why a good therapist can be helpful to sort out just what we can regain control of and to discover the ways to do it. The book, Living Beyond The Box is written almost like a workbook or journal to help us discover the Power of The Box in our own lives.  It’s written to help us understand things and to find ways to cope or escape The Box rather than use the box as a method of choice or to prevent ourselves from getting into Unsafe Boxes.  The hope and prayer underlying this book are to help people regain the self-esteem necessary to truly Live Beyond The Box. Read the full article

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Ways of Self-Medication: Beneficial or Not?

As we live through the hours, days, weeks, months and even years of feeling pressed and pushed by The Box, we can turn to alcohol, caffeine, nicotine or fatty carb-filled meals to make us feel better. We consider these things as the best ways of self-medication. Feelings of being over-controlled or abusively controlled are tough to handle, especially when we cannot easily regain control.  Jobs, marriages, and friendships are often the source of our stress.  And, sometimes we add to our stress by what we do financially.  But the subtle temptation to self-medicate often leads to growing health issues – even addictions. Unhealthy Ways of Self-Medication Instead of facing up to the challenge or conflict of being in a Specific Box, it may feel like the “better part of valor” is to avoid it or live with it.  Too many of these unresolved conflicts, or overly abusive ones, can push our emotional reactions to the extremes whereby we could make the mistake of just trying to reduce or cover-up our feelings.  When we do this, the issue or conflict remains and grows, and so does our new habits of eating, drinking or smoking – even using drugs and/or other ways of “self-medication”.  This new habit of “fixing the symptoms of stress” does not help us handle the ongoing conflict can even lead us to trap ourselves into a “fight or flight” corner. Then, too, we can begin to question ourselves to the point of degrading our abilities and opportunities to rectify things.  Second guessing ourselves long enough or severe enough causes our self-esteem to suffer.  All of this can happen at the same time we increasingly ingest “stuff” that isn’t really good for us.  Hence, our “stress whirlpool” sucks us into a place where it’s more difficult to get out.  Plus, we can find ourselves trying to deal with many sources of stress, and feel everything is too complex to handle at all – not to mention real health issues. This spiraling Box of Feelings begins to have a life of its own, especially as we self-medicate hoping to make those feelings go away.  For some, the torment can grow into life-threatening proportions.  If we keep trying to “fix things ourselves”, we can almost begin to feel like the very act of self-medicating is giving us back our control. This is the danger of some ways of self-medication which we think can save us. We can actually dig ourselves into being more out of control while believing we are in control.  It’s almost like lying to oneself instead of truly dealing with the problem or conflict.  Unfortunately, those who get caught in this storm of complex feelings often lose trust in others to help them.  Sometimes, even true friends, safe family members, and professional counselors are distrusted – as everyone who cares is yelling… Get help! Of course, understanding The Box and ways to escape or avoid it, and to cope while we’re in it, can help us to live in today’s world of Many Boxes and actually Live Beyond The Box… One Box at a Time! Read the full article

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Boxlike Relationships: One Box to Another

Perhaps one of the saddest things about our experiences Inside The Box is that as we grow up, we tend to try to escape The Box by choosing another—or forming Boxlike Relationships.  The most typical example is when teens move on to their peers for acceptance, guidance, enjoyment, and authority. The sad tale often sounds like this… James was growing tired of his parents and teachers always telling what to do, when and how to do it, and basically making his life miserable with their threats and promises.  To him, growing up was really no fun.  So, he began to confide in his friend Ted, who seemed to be a lot freer to do what he pleased. Soon, James was working his situation with chores at home and homework such that he could spend a lot more time with Ted.  He and Ted had a good time together.  In fact, they both began to tell their parents they were going to the mall or to a movie when in fact they were choosing to party with some other friends.  And, it was this subtle switch from adults to peers that began to rule their lives. Unknown to them, James and Ted had formed their own Box, and they jumped into several More Boxes with the new kids they began to run around with. In short, they actually only Traded One Box for Another. Boxlike Relationships: Trading One Box for Another The implications of this Trade are far-reaching.  First, it sets a tone for the lifestyle James and/or Ted may follow for many years, even possibly a lifetime.  They have begun to ditch “real authority figures” for “new ones”, but with a deceptive wrinkle – do as little as possible to please the old so that can be pleased by the new.  The trouble with this deceptive trade is that James and Ted unknowingly begin to meet the needs of the New Box they have chosen … Come party with us We’ll treat you right Hey, wear your hair like us That’s better You can’t come if you don’t drink Let’s have fun Wow! Isn’t this fun?!!! Yep, without realizing, James got into Another Box with Ted, and then the two of them got into Still Another Box with new friends.  In addition, all kinds of Boxlike Relationships formed between James and each member of the new group of friends.  And this is possibly only the beginning of how and why James begins to form all of his relationships in the future – even his long-term relationships.  To simply put it, it can become a “Here’s what I’ll do for you if you’ll do this for me!” Read the full article

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Inside the Box: Comply, Challenge, Revolt, or Escape

At any moment, we can find ourselves inside The Box.  Remember, the purpose of The Box is to control us to do another’s bidding; hence, when someone uses it on us they want us to do what they say to do. Right from the start, what they say or how they say it may make us feel uncomfortable.  The directive itself may go against our values or desires to do it. The tone may sound too demanding or sinister.  The urgency of the directive might be frantic or pushy.  And, if we are face-to-faced, the looks on their face and gestures may add to the emphatic directive itself.  If it is too demanding, it causes an emotional reaction within us. Our history with those directing our behavior, especially our cognitive and emotional experiences with them, affects us as well from the start.  If we feel they are safe, reliable and fair, we have a good feeling at first.  But, if our prior experiences were not good, we may feel wary, uneasy, afraid or even angry. We may even continue with a certain level of caution or misgiving even before they spell out the rest of what’s inside The Box.  In other words, it doesn’t take long for us to calculate our response in this situation. Then, as they stipulate, suggest, or imply rewards, we quickly judge whether or not it is rewarding enough to do it—sometimes even deciding no rewards are necessary if we’re already leaning to comply.  But, if the directive is questionable to begin with, rewards might take on a greater meaning.  If the rewards are good enough, we might change our mind a little and become more ready to comply.  Of course, they might not even offer rewards.  Again, our history with these people hangs in our mind prompting certain levels of trust or caution each step of the way to this Next Box. Tolerating What Happens Inside the Box If they continue and threaten or promise punishment, we would react according to the nature of the punishment itself and/or to a memory of punishment done by these people.  We quickly begin to decide how the “deck is stacked”—for or against us.  The size, if you will, of the rewards and punishment alone may be enough to make a decision whether or not to comply.  Usually, however, our experience with these people will be a major factor in our decision. Sometimes, we add something more to the history we have with a person or group of people directing us to do something.  Sometimes we’ve already got a trust or distrust of the kinds of people they seem to be.  For example, certain authority figures such as parents, teachers, coaches, bosses and the like may seem more or less OK to begin with.  A few of us have a general easiness or uneasiness with all authority figures.  Again, our history of who and how The Box had been commonly used on us can predetermine how we react to those who use it now. The final “kicker” to round out The Box is whether or not they try to make the task we are to do, or the learning itself fun.  In the final analysis, it seems we all prefer to have a good time if possible when we are told to do something.  Sometimes, we just go along with it because it will be fun—they have made it entertaining.  This is not to be confused with entertainment given as a reward follow our task—this is entertainment merged within the task itself like “whistle while you work”.  Entertainment, a devious component to The Box, leads to the growing attitude among workers: “If it ain’t fun, I ain’t doing it!” In the short-term, our decision to comply, challenge, revolt or escape are based on our immediate reaction to the Current Box, which typically relies on our history with the people involved or ones like them. In the long-term, our decisions depend on our extremely complex and vast history inside The Box after another.  Yes, we can form a general “pro or con” attitude toward The Box regardless of who is using it.  In fact, we might be using on ourselves – which only adds to the complexity making it hard for us to ever feel free. Read the full article