[llamasaysrandomstuff]

sometimes i read and sometimes i want to yap about what I read, this will be my place for that.

not consistent, but enough to have a creative outlet

[llamasaysrandomstuff]

the fear of mediocrity

sylvia plath was right when she so relatably said

what horrifies me most is the idea of being useless: well-educated, brilliantly promising, and fading out into an indifferent middle age.

i too believed myself to be brilliantly promising, brimming with potential. maybe this delusion was constructed by my consistently high grades and praise from authority figures. however it came about, it stuck with me. carried into my college years. made me despise the person i am.

academic validation. a noose, a vice, a chaotic destruction. nothing ever good comes from it. movies have been made and books have been written to try to decipher the utter wreck it can make a person. because what am i if not the worth of the results in front of me. the romanticised notion of dark academia. chasing that high is something i should have left behind. taking it one day at a time is the only thing i'm currently capable of.

it is said that reality is often disappointing. in my case, it was fine. i never expected a bright future, a big house or a shiny car. i just wanted to live on my own terms. so when none of these things seemed to be actually happening, i was relaxed, cemented in reality. but still. i had potential. i was smart. i was talented. i was at the top of my class. what happened. where did it go. i wasn't supposed to be just average, forever cornered at the crest of something great.

i feel stupid. i am stupid. wrong decisions at every step. no future plan. because how am i supposed to work towards something that i don't believe exists. always in the back of my mind, since i turned into a legal adult, a voice saying i wasn't supposed to live this long. so if it's borrowed time anyways, what does it matter. failure and mediocrity should then be embraced. but there are expectations. people more stupid than u have done this so why can't you.

justifications and excuses for failure, ready beforehand. realising that no matter the effort i put in, it won't compare to my own potential. fuck the other people, i can't even compete with myself. it has led me to not even try, because why do something that is doomed for failure. but. regret. i could have done more. i know I'm smarter than this. i know i can do better. then why can't i do it. it kills me knowing that i let something so achievable slip through my fingers. not because i want it or care for it but simply just for the satisfaction of it. to prove a point. to maybe feel like life isn't that hard.

what ifs have a grasp on me. detaching from the present to live in a hypothetical. rarely do i tap into what's happening around me. even then. disappointed, i withdraw.

there is this undying, pestering want to achieve everything. a want to do everything, be everything. never settling for one thing. losing everything as a result. opportunities gloss by me. too scared to reach out and cement a future. settling for mediocrity is the last thing i want. but. mediocrity is my undeniable truth and my heaviest burden.

if that's not enough, i am but the myriad of the things i want to achieve. but trying to be good at several things and lacking excellence in all is not praised. yk jack of all trades master of none and all that. but then what am I supposed to do? carry on with something i'm not naturally perfect at? absurd.

perfectionism. procrastination. laziness. doubt. hindrance to what i could have had.

and for fucks sake, i know I'm young, i know i have my entire life to figure it out, i don't need to achieve everything right this moment, but the crushing burden of expectations and hope is right now. you can figure it out later. your 20s are for you. but. establish a career in your 20s so u can enjoy the later years. both can't be true. one is a condolence in the face of failure the other is reality.

[llamasaysrandomstuff]

Llama (@llamadodi)

an updated version if you will

[llamasaysrandomstuff]

hey, if you like what i attempt to write, go check my substack

Llama (@llamadodi)

[llamasaysrandomstuff]

the amount of serotonin that the release of 'sunrise on the reaping' is giving me is insane. i can't believe i finally get to read haymitchs story.

[llamasaysrandomstuff]

rereading hunger games because it is simply that time of the year.

[llamasaysrandomstuff]

grave of the fireflies

studio ghibli movies were not only comfort but also a place to escape. surrounded by characters learning to grow and know themselves in this world, i was always left with a sense of wonder and a bittersweet awe. this movie broke that streak. i was forced to face the horrors of the world and look at something beyond myself.

i sobbed for hours after watching it. in war-torn japan, two orphans try to survive in a world hellbent on killing them. from the first five minutes of the movie, we know what is bound to happen. and yet when the time comes, the grief won't leave. the unexpected feelings of anger, injustice, pity, sadness swarm you and refuse to leave long after the movie has ended and everyone has moved on.

why must fireflies die so young

it was a heartbreaking, thought-provoking piece of art. unlike other movies i rate 5/5, i will never watch this again. my heart can't handle pain this intense again.

[llamasaysrandomstuff]

might have accidentally fallen into a reading slump.

might be because i cant find the right book. might be because life is kinda shit rn. might be because i want to spend more time watching movies than reading. idk.

give me book recommendations please. thanku.

[llamasaysrandomstuff]

read everyone in my family has killed someone by benjamin stevenson.

absolutely adored the writing style. it gave deadpool meets an incompetent hercule poirot.

i would recommend it if you want a cozy lighthearted witty winter murder mystery.

[llamasaysrandomstuff]

went to a secret santa event at a bookshop to exchange books with strangers. came back with a hardback cozy christmas murder mystery novel. i am the chosen one.

[llamasaysrandomstuff]

want to reread harry potter this winter season but can't stop thinking about the fuckery of jk rowling.

[llamasaysrandomstuff]

angry about the fact that 'reader' is a thing.

ive seen people judge others for what they read, especially on social media. thinking that you're a reader only if you read classics, philosophy, russian lit etc is pretentious and unnecessary.

as someone who reads every mainstream genre and more, i don't think i'm much more of a reader than someone who only reads one. you're entitled to read whatever you want and not be subjected to judgment. cause at the end of the day reading should be fun, not something u do to show others that you're better than them.

call yourself a reader even if you only consume fanfics or romance novels throughout the year. call yourself a reader even if you only read one book a year. call yourself a reader even if you used to read a lot as a child but don't have the time anymore.

reading should provide u comfort and an escape, it shouldn't be competitive or elitist

[llamasaysrandomstuff]

freida mcfadden writes books that are so easy to read, kinda predictable plot twists but amazing writing. every book so far has been a slay tbh

[llamasaysrandomstuff]

the intensity and dynamic of the characters and their insane storyline. vander and silco? jinx and vi? jinx and isha? jayce and viktor? vi and cait? ambessa and mel? loris and vi? i could go on

spoilers btw but

also, the utter tragedy of jinx. she just wanted someone to love her, be there with her, for her. her relationship with silco was so heartbreaking, both wounded and betrayed by someone they trusted. circumstances beyond their control but still. silco loved her so much.

then jinx found isha and never told her to stay behind, took her everywhere. but that ended in a futile death, firming jinxs belief that everyone around her dies. ekko saving her again and again, but her fate was sealed. she died protecting vi, as much as i don't wanna believe it, i love that this is how her story ended.

also the way vi fell in a drunken pit fighting bender after a week long homoerotic situationship???? relatable

im never getting over this show

[llamasaysrandomstuff]

arcane is a masterpiece solely because of vi and cait making out to a king princess song. lives were changed

[llamasaysrandomstuff]

look back was everything and more. i love tatsuki fujimoto and his ability to make absolutely stunningly beautiful work.

[llamasaysrandomstuff]

i picked up the last book of the dark verse series and the writing???? i absolutely adore the worldbuilding and the entire premise, it invokes a lot of emotion. but i just can't with some of these smutty lines.

[llamasaysrandomstuff]

started my annual gilmore girls rewatch and watching rory in chilton made me realise how relatable she is

a teenager with insurmountable amounts of potential making fucked up decisions leading to her not attaining her full potential??? having life all planned out all for it to fizzle when u finally face the competition of the real world??