어린 반항의 눈빛

[lmhaechan-deactivated20191213]

i’m yours

[lmjaem]

lmhaechan·:

–––– @lmjaem ; 

donghyuck doesn’t know how to feel yet. there’s a tug of war going on inside him when jaemin comes home from signing his contract and in a few days, he’ll go from sleeping in the same bed as jaemin, to not really knowing when the next time he’ll see him is. the reality is harsh and unsettling, yet in the same breath, this is what jaemin’s been reaching for and now, he’s finally got it. donghyuck still wish he knew that jaemin would have to move out upon acceptance. perhaps he could have prepared himself better, perhaps he’d know what to say when jaemin asked him how he feels. 

he’s looking at the piles of clothes, scattered in the bedroom as jaemin starts packing up his things. donghyuck picks up one of jaemin’s sweatshirts and holds it close to him before sliding it over his head and the plane white shirt that he’s already got on. he’s looking at other few boxes that are full of the things that jaemin will be taking with him and he feels a part of himself start to dissociate, slowly, like his thoughts are pieces floating off into a vacuum of space. 

the worst part is, he hasn’t cried yet, partly because he’s not sure this is really happening. but donghyuck becomes afraid to look at jaemin for too long, pushing his gaze away when he feels it linger too long. he’s afraid that crying will only make things worse, make jaemin feel guilty about leaving, or that his emotions will work themselves up like they usually do. 

simply put, lee donghyuck does not want his boyfriend to leave. 

but he also does not know how to tell him this, so he doesn’t, and worst of all he lies when jaemin asks him what he thinks or feels, not that he thinks jaemin can’t see through these empty words anyways. he lays down on the bed, looking up at the ceiling and pulling the sleeves of the sweatshirt over his hands and pulling the hood up before turning on his side. donghyuck barely hears jaemin enter the room, lost in a forest of never ending vague emotions, all too scary to face head on. 

jaemin never imagined that he'd be packing up like this again. he thought that when he had left his chidlhood home and moved in with his boyfriend, that was the last of it. anywhere with lee donghyuck is home, that's what he had thought since. he had found a reason to care, to... stay. when apollo knocked on his door, he needed a bit of time to think about whether signing with such a big company is what he needed at the time. even with the hesitation gnawing at him, he knew from the start that passing up on the opportunity was something that he will regret for the rest of his life. and so he made a decision that he felt was fitting at the time.

it wasn't the 'leaving' part that was difficult, but the process... the packing of his stuff, what he'll leave and what he'll bring with him. he'd steal glances at donghyuck as he did it, seeing the way his boyfriend looked at his things, all taken out of its usual arrangement, segregated into piles of what stays and what he probably will be needing when he's there. this passion for music blossomed because of donghyuck, because of how much jaemin loves and will always love him. there would have never been a na jaemin who makes music without all the love and support that haech had given him.

he'd never imagine he'd have to leave donghyuck like this, at least not like when it almost seems like he's choosing his dream over donghyuck. he isn't, that wasn't it at all. "baby, have you seen my favorite..." he trails off as he goes back into the bedroom. "sweatshirt..." there's this cold feeling that rushes to his chest, and a pang of guilt as he sees haech lying on the bed with the item in question. "i was worried i had packed it somewhere," he continues, a small smile on his lips. "i was going to leave it with you." he adds as he makes his way to the bed, lying next to haech.

"jaemin, please don't leave." he says as he turns to his side, elbows leaning on the mattress, head resting on his hand, while his other hand rubs haech's tummy slowly and gently. "i have to... for now, baby." he replies to his own words. his free hand reaches up to haech's face, finger booping his nose, "you don't think i can hear you thinking, hmm?" he finally says softly. "please tell me what's on your mind, haech."

[lmjaem]

million reasons

it still doesn't sink in, even after having met up with the apollo producer, j:one, himself. jaemin still couldn't believe any of this is happening. and while his mind was going through a multitude thoughts, both positive and negatives, a million reasons come to him to on why he should and should not sign. was now the right time to do this? when he's just getting used to the idea of being in uni? when donghyuck was startin to get used to their daily routines? was he ready for such drastic changes?

other than haech, there was only one other person that must know first about the good news -- yerim ( @lmyerim ). (yes, it was overwhelming, but a good news he supposed.) he calls her up as soon as he gets home from his short but surreal session at apollo. he doesn't dive much into the details in his message, only that he got a call from an entertainment company who wanted to sign him. he specifically asked her to just confirm having received the message and if she's available to meet up in a few hours.

he sits at the couch, watching random shows on the television. jaemin still kept thinking about wanting to sign, but also not wanting to a few moments later. music wise, apollo was not exactly his top choice, but at the same time, this would be a challenge for him. and he never backs down from one. sighing, he lets his head fall back, eyes staring at the ceiling looking for a sign, anything. he sits there quietly, waiting for yerim to arrive.

[lmjaem]

lmxkai·:

海. a casual thread with @lmjaem.

the claim over the fact that he’s a new trainee can be contested these days, even when he feels as such, still. it’s inching to half a year, almost there. the captive thoughts over the anxiety with the new environment should’ve faded by now. still, he doesn’t believe that it has, mind running amok with the probabilities of being shunned every now and then. sure, he’s been feeling more like he belongs, but who is he to tell, for there are always the chances for him to be placed in a negative spotlight? a new, older trainee. people should’ve debuted by this age, but here he is. brand new. well, not really, now, but he still cannot shake off the mindset.

but there’s another, extremely new guy. someone who’s just been recruited, and it leaves him with a mixture of relief, yet with a pint of slight envy. jaemin is young, that’s for sure. three years that separate them leaves quite a bit of tar on jongin’s tongue, but he still believes that they can… somewhat get along. and so, he tries. approaching the fresh trainee, he tries discarding the oddities that cling to his psyche, believing that the feelings of jealousy wouldn’t do him any good. so instead, he joins the younger trainee, slipping into the chair across jaemin in the cafeteria. “hey,” he starts, sounding a tad too awkward for his liking, but it’ll have to do. “we haven’t been properly introduced, i believe? i’m jongin. pretty new here, too. how do you like apollo so far?”

jaemin always thought that he knew a lot more than the average fan, he wouldn't have been a longstanding fansite if he didn't. although discreet and seemingly unimpressed by all the glitz and glamour of the entertainment industry, in reality, jaemin is probably one of the most invested. he spends (yes, he still does...) hundreds and thousands of dollars supporting his ult girl group member by buying official and fanmade merchandise, makes time to go to fansigns, concerts, and other group or individual activities. but now, he realized there's a huge different looking from the outside to being an actual trainee.

for his case, he still hasn't wrapped his mind around the fact that he's an apollo trainee now. he'd have thought maybe blackout or hana would have been a better fit (the later because a fan can dream, right?), but apollo just seems more like a polished company, one that scouts and signs trainees who seem like they are born to be idols from the minute they're out of the womb. and for one, they're artists... the music that they have put out so far, compared to what jaemin predominantly put out these past few months are from two completely different spectrums. his first few days feels like a hazy dream, like he's on autopilot with his small smiles and polite bows.

it would have been a little better if he could eat with ten. the idea itself was odd given jaemin didn't mind being alone. everything was just... new, and a sense of familiarity never hurt anybody. but he isn't alone for very long because someone joins him, and jaemin would take him and his introduction. "no, not yet, actually," he replies bowing a bit, "it's nice to meet you, i'm jaemin." even if jongin really is new, it wouldn't beat his less-than-one-week stint. "it's... quite an experience, very interesting and overwhelming?""

[lmsicheng]

Coffee Date

[lmjaem]

lmsicheng·:

Sicheng snorts, eyeing the coffee in front of him nervously. 

“Old man’s choice, huh?” he picks the drink up and swishes it about a bit before he takes a sip, grimacing at the overwhelming bitterness that floods his taste buds, a thousand times more intense than anything he was used to; he was only a coffee drinker in his most desperate moments, when he really needed to squeeze a couple more waking hours out of his day. “Shit, okay, I see what she means now. It’s literally just…coffee.” 

He laughs, taking another sip, trying to appreciate the flavour a bit, the acrid tar water that it was, and anticipating the ability to see through time and space the moment the caffeine hit his bloodstream. 

“I’m doing alright.” he says with a lazy shrug, wishing that the drink in his hand was something sweeter and creamier, but deciding to tough it out because he was too lacking in social energy to go and order something else, “Tired and…tired. Just very tired. Not in a bad way, though. Training isn’t so bad, usually, I’ve just been trying to nail down this routine for evaluations so I’ve been…staying later than I should?” he takes another sip, reaching out to pinch one of Jaemin’s cheeks, holding in a laugh as he did so, his voice suddenly saccharine, “What about Nana?”

jaemin watches closely as the older drinks the coffee. rolling his lips inward at his reaction as soon as the taste hits him, trying even harder to hold back the laugh. but his composure fails him, and he lets out a light one, only to mask it with a cough. he shakes his head and takes a sip from his cup, acting as though nothing had happened. he doesn't even realize that he missed being someone's younger brother until the mischievous thoughts overtook him. "that's real coffee, not like those candy infused things with whipped cream people order..." he adds, wrinkling his nose.

he can't help but smile as sicheng takes another sip. at least, he knows how to appreciate a good cup of coffee -- or tries to. he's been missing his friends lately, at least those that he haven't seen in a while. but of course, he'd never admit that, they'll gloat if he did. he could just imagine the looks on their faces when he does, and he'd rather not deal with it. but he does listen, humming as and nodding his head slightly as the older began to speak.

there was a bit of jealousy and more curiosity when sicheng talks about training. jaemin wants that too so badly, maybe even more than he'll admit even to himself. perhaps even more than he wanted to get this degree of his, which has been a lifelong dream. in a way, he feels bad that he'd choose something so uncertain over another option that's more certain, his education. and he's snapped out of his thoughts when the older pinches his cheek. he clicks his tongue and shoves sicheng's hand away, groaning, "stop... that's scary." he leans back, "same, i'm tired... and also tired, and tired some more. school is great, people are stupid."

[lmhaechan-deactivated20191213]

the lovers card

[lmjaem]

lmhaechan·:

donghyuck can’t help but be overwhelmed by an wave of emotion when jaemin hums, and so he smiles as his boyfriend starts to speak, blushing when he looks at him and holding his hand. “subtle,” donghyuck whispers to jaemin before looking back to the woman who doesn’t seem to mind. she shuffles the deck and when she stops, she lays the cards out in a spread. donghyuck holds jaemin’s hand tighter. 

he knows that his boyfriend may not believe in tarot, however he does. tarot has always been something that interested him and he is drawn to the cards for guidance to navigate his chaotic thoughts, feelings, and general path that his life has taken. they always have something interesting to say back to him. donghyuck cranes his neck to see the spread as she lays out the cards for them. her eyes move to himself and then jaemin before back to the cards. 

“for you,” she begins. “and the one you love…” she looks to donghyuck before moving back to jaemin. “the future holds many things. you’ve spent your life together, it looks like many lives together… i see some big changes coming. perhaps in career? does this sound… familiar? is there something in particular you want to know.” donghyuck turns to jaemin and smiles softly. 

jaemin only believes in a few things, so few that you can count them with one hand -- and tarot is definitely out of the question. he liked science above all else. it made…sense. In a sense, it is tangible and universal. there’s only ever one right outcome, that of all things is what he liked about science. there is but one result no matter who or where it’s done, for as long as the methodology is done just as instructed. there’s also this part where there is a control group that becomes the standard.

and yet despite his unyielding passion and faith in the sciences, he finds it in himself to look into what donghyuck is interested in, what he’s passionate about. he finds it adorable though that even if his boyfriend is as smart as he is -- maybe the only person that jaemin would ever admit to be smarter than him, he’s into this sort of stuff, tarots and all. jaemin could only smile as he watched the way haech would try to see the cards being laid. it’s always been like this, him being so distracted with haech that he forgets that the world isn’t as accepting just yet.

he looks over to the woman again, unshaken and unafraid of what she might think of them. he likes what he’s hearing so far, but the cynic in him tries to speak louder, that this is all vague. but he looks at the love of his life again and he figured, why would it be so wrong to believe in things like this anyway? he hums as he realizes that the question was being directed to him, “oh… career?” he repeats, looking over to donghyuck, seeing him smiling so cutely at him that he couldn’t help but smile back, “it does, yes…” he replies with a slight nod.

“how can we both make it in the industry we’re going for?” it’s probably not the right question to ask, but it’s as straightforward and clear as can be. it may sound like a typical nonbelievers question to test the abilities of this tarot card reading, but jaemin asked sincerely. he truly did want to know.

[lmjaem]

down the rabbithole

[lmjaem]

lmhaechan·:

donghyuck wishes in some sense, that he was as brave as jaemin. in recent events, he cannot think he’d be able to handle the stress and upset that jaemin’s endured while participating on starfinder. donghyuck cannot stand being vulnerable– especially in public. but jaemin, unafraid, or rather, courageously using the fear to push forward is so much stronger than he. donghyuck also wishes he was passionate about something, like jaemin with songwriting. and he wishes that he felt like he could go to school, do something with his time, like jaemin is. 

his boyfriend is outrageously productive and it kinda makes him sick.

it’s nice to see jaemin back to his normal self, a handsome college student with eye bags of stress and probably a little too caffeinated. donghyuck would have turned him down when jaemin proposed a tour of his university campus, but donghyuck had nothing better to do and he wanted to appease jaemin, and see a little bit of where he’s been wasting all of his energy lately.

“wow, impressive, jaem,” he says following jaemin’s gesture and sitting down beside him, reacting to the cold concrete. “it’s cold out. why are you sitting outside? do you wanna catch a cold?” donghyuck pushes jaemin’s hand away with a scowl and looks around them, watching the hustle of students to and from the many buildings. “it’s… definitely a school.” donghyuck wishes that he didn’t see a million broken childhood dreams while being here but he doesn’t mention those to jaemin, only giving him a smile instead. “have you become the campus heartthrob?” he says with a smirk. “tell me, how many girls have given you their number?”

everything haech does is endearing in jaemin's eyes. even as he pushes his hand away and even scowls, he only smiles and thinks how precious his boyfriend is. he hums as haech continued to speak, knowing well that there was more to what he's saying, that there was something that he couldn't quite say out loud just yet. but he knew better than to probe, haech will tell him what it was in his own time, and what is jaemin if not patient. "it definitely is a school, yes." he says instead, stroking his cheeks before taking out his phone to check his schedule.

even when he wasn't looking, he could hear haech's thoughts, feel it weaved with his every word. the young man puts his phone away and focuses on donghyuck, suddenly feeling the cold as he had pointed out. perhaps he's been too distracted with schoolwork and the constant annoyance that he doesn't realize the weather in the last couple of months. "a what now?" his brows knit together, then one raises as he looks at haech incredulously. he holds back a laugh and rubs his temples, amused at this idea that haech is telling him.

"i don't even know, a bunch... i guess?" he says casually, pulling out his binder and taking out some pieces of paper, post-it notes and torn corners of books with names and numbers scribbled on them. most of it were for group works, some inviting him to join clubs, and there were a few slipped in borrowed books. "i'm not a heartthrob in campus" he sighs, hand reaching out to give haech's leg a squeeze. "just in my department." he says with a straight face, corner of his lips slightly twitching to a smirk. but soon the composure falls away, and he grabs haech's face, "i'm kidding, i'm kidding." he laughs, "honestly, i don't know. i'm too busy to notice what people think or say."

[lmyangyang-deactivated20191213]

turntables

[lmjaem]

lmyangyang·:

–––– @lmjaem ; 

yangyang skips down the steps of the stage, taking a break from his set before he finds the bar and orders a few shots of soju. he looks at his phone before texting his friend, well online friend. he’d never actually met jaemin before tonight, only talked to him on instagram and then finally after exchanging phone numbers. he’d finally taken the opportunity to invite jaemin to one of his shows, the same one really that he does every saturday. 

he sees a text telling him that jaemin is here already, sitting at the bar. yangyang takes a brief moment to look around to see if he can vaguely recognize him from the pictures that he’s seen so far. finally he spots his friend and downs his last shot before walking toward him, reaching out to shake his hand. “jaemin, right?” he assumes before turning to the bartender and ordering two shots. “i’m glad you could come. i can show you around and what i’ve got going on in the dj booth if you want? here,” he says giving jaemin the second shot. “to new friendships.”

jaem couldn't remember the last time he was in a place like this. when he and haech started to date, he didn't find any reason to silence his thoughts with loud music or to numb the way he feels with alcohol. the days when he'd spend long nights with strangers that will remain as such are long gone, and it almost feels foreign to be even be there even as a bystander, uninvolved and just watching from the outside looking in. in his eyes, it's all lackluster now, or perhaps it's always been that.

he takes a shot, feeling the familiar heat run down his throat. his brows knit and his nose wrinkles as took his first breath after downing that shoot. the young man shakes his head a bit, smiling at how unaccustomed he is to drinking when it was all he did way back. he sends a quick text to his friend -- well, sort of friend because they haven't met each other in person just yet, and stays by the bar so he could easily be found. if this had been months ago, jaemin would not have felt so awkward in the scene.

it doesn't the other to show up as planned, and jaemin could only smile and nod his head at the quick question. "of course, i'd come. wouldn't miss it for anything." he replies, eyeing yangyang as he motions for a round. he almost turned it down, if not for the clear interest and enthusiasm in the other's part. "that would be great, yes, i'd love that." he knew sincerity when he sees it, and yangyang does look like he's in it for the music and not anything else. he does take the shot with a smile, "to new friendships."

[lmjaem]

two left feet

jaemin should have seen this coming. idols were never meant to just do one thing, they have either sing and dance or rap and dance. it felt like a bucket of cold water was dumped on him when he had realized and completely process what it was they had to do. and just moments after it, he knew for a fact that he is screwed. he had taken dance lessons here and there, did some numbers for production, but they're probably expecting him to be as polished as every performer that ever set foot and trained in apollo.

he was an expert at keeping calm, except in select instances of meeting certain people. but even in the young man's silence, he knew that the confusion was drawn perfectly across his features. he didn't waste time, nor can he afford it, so he went straight to going over the said song they had to perform. his brows knit together as he went through it four or five times. "do they expect me to..." he mumbles to himself, repeating the chorus and keeping his eyes on how the boy group dances.

the young man was concentrating so hard he forgets that one of his hyungs was even in the room. he sighs and slides his phone aside, rubbing at his temples as he sat cross legged. "hyung, what do i do?" he lets out, sounding calmer than one would have guessed from his expressions. there was a sense of relief that he didn't have to do this alone with people he barely knew. he was glad that ten ( @tenlm ) was here with him. "i rap. that's what i do... i think, i don't dance. how do i do that? and that... that song?" he shudders visibly, eyes closing before he looks at the older.

[lmyerim-deactivated20191213]

friend crush

[lmjaem]

lmyerim·:

yerim reaches over to squish and pull on jaemin’s cheek with her free hand as the other one holds the blanket close to her chin. “squishy jaem,” yerim coos. “you’re so squishy and soft.” for some reason folding herself up to sit against jaemin never felt weird or like too much skinship; jaemin always felt like her rock and she’s thankful for that. she warms herself up further, pressing even close and leaning her head on his shoulder. 

“you wrote a diss track?” yerim says perking up for a moment and raising her eyebrows in slight shock. “for… starfinder?” yerim almost shudders at the mention of such a shitty string of memories for herself. she knows it was that way for jaemin too, just the frustration of trying so hard in the shadow of the plotline of the show. “maybe if you knew how to dance…” yerim teases, trying to lighten the mood and giving jaemin a kiss on the cheek. “i’m just kidding.”

he can't imagine letting someone be this close to him other than yerim. she's probably the only person in this world he'll ever be comfortable with a little close to the way that he is with lee donghyuck. choi yerim, like haech, is someone who he sees and knows will be constant in his life. even in the future, he knows that she will be there (and if she isn't, jaemin was sure that he's going to do everything to bring her back). he couldn't really see a future without having her there, that's the kind of person she is in his life. not that he'll ever say it out loud, but surely, his actions were already saying that much.

jaemin groans as yerim starts squishing and pulling his cheeks. he leans away slightly, acting his part of the annoyed friend who disliked skinship when in reality he actually didn't mind it. "can you please not..." he mumbles, trying to grab at yerim's wrist but not fully stopping her with her antics. he sighs when she finally calms down again, pressing closer and he smiles softly as he wraps arm around her shoulder pulling her even closer.

the young man only hums at the question. now that he had thought hard about things, no matter how frustrating things have been the last few months, at the very least, the damn competition still resulted to something. it wasn't a complete waste of time in the end. he rolls his eyes at the remark, "wow... okay, queen of dancing. thanks for being so supportive." he lets out, inching away from the girl. "glad to know, you believe in my talent so much, choi yerim." he continues, feigning being hurt by her words.

[lmjaem]

drop that beat

never in his wildest dreams did jaemin think that something like this was possible. he always thought of her as someone on a whole different level, sort of unreachable. he’s still at a loss for words as he sat at the cafe, trying to stop himself from smiling so much that he started fiddling with his laptop mindlessly. he’s opened and closed so many applications so many times to keep himself calm — but none have been working, that much is clear. every time the door opens and the sound of the chimes flood the room, he finds his heart racing and he finds himself about to get on his feet, brushing it off with just straightening out his jeans. maybe he should have asked haech to come, at least, he’d be calmer knowing that he’s somewhere in the room.

there was this strong urge to show off, maybe show her some older tracks that he’s been working on — polished ones that he had refined for months and decided to shelf for future use. but as soon as they set their meeting, he found himself staying up a few nights that week to put together some new stuff he thought of. right now, he’s just focusing on not making a fool of himself and smiling too much when she shows up. he has so much respect for artists like her, and he didn’t want to be a restless fanboy who seems too eager. he absolutely has to be cool, not like the first time they met at that event when he asked her to take a picture with him. maybe she doesn’t remember it completely? it wouldn’t hurt his feelings, in fact, he’d like that even more.

jaemin had just finished his second cup of coffee when heeyeon ( @heeyeonxlm ) finally shows up. and his entire plan to seem calm and collected are thrown out the window when he gets on his feet and greets her with a smile, bowing as he reached out to shake her hand — did he really just... . he wanted to slap himself, and haech would have probably laughed out loud at the scene. “thanks for coming…” he lets out as he takes his seat. “did you wanna get something to drink before we start? or do you want me to… get you something… or listen to some things i’m working on?” he’s not doing very well at being cool but at least his heart is slowly calming down.

[lmjaem]

light of my life

ever since jaemin discovered rapping, a few of his tracks — love songs, to be more specific, remained unfinished. it wasn’t that he didn’t intend to finish them, he never starts a project he doesn’t finish. the inspiration for rap pieces just came fast and if he didn’t write them down or put the track together, he knows he’ll lose the idea. at the end of the day love songs were easier to write anyway. despite how ‘aggressive’ and ‘heavy’ his new tracks are — says people in the comment section — there’s this part of him that he couldn’t quite find the right words to explain, something ‘soft’ and ‘warm’ that’s reserved only when he thought of lee donghyuck ( @lmhaechan ). one look at his boyfriend and jaemin knows that he’ll be able to write one love song after another.

he finished the song weeks ago (or was it months ago?) he really couldn’t remember. so much has happened and time felt like it just flew past him and he couldn’t really find the right timing to make haech listen to. but he woke up this morning and figured before he uploads another one of this social diss tracks, he wanted to show and make haech hear that he’s fine and that he feels a lot better, that he’s still the same na jaemin that wrote cheesy love songs. the thought of it makes him smile, and he slipped off the bed to find his ipad, hoping to wake his boyfriend up with a sweet song along with breakfast in bed. he takes one careful step after another, looking back to make sure that haech was still sleeping soundly before he heads over to the kitchen.

jaemin tries to move as quickly as he can, putting together breakfast before returning to the bed room. he sets the tablet by haech’s feet, tray of food at one hand and the other carefully pulling the curtains to let sunlight in. “rise and shine, full sun~” he says cheerfully, sitting himself on the edge of the bed, tray set on his lap as he reached for his boyfriend’s cheek, stroking it. “i made breakfast, and finished a love song for you.” he says casually, pinching his cheek.

[lmjaem]

A red notification pops up on your Instagram DMs button. There’s a message sent from J:ONE’s account, one of the main producers from APOLLO entertainment. It reads:

Hey! I’ve been listening to your soundcloud, man. Your stuff sounds really good– definitely my style. I’d love to meet with you if you’d be down, let me know and I’ll tell the front desk to let you in. We’ll just hangout at the studio, if you decide you wanna meet up. You can show me some of the things you’ve been working on. We can also talk about a contract for becoming trainee. It’d be cool to have you as an addition to the trainee team here. Let me know what you think. I’ll be in touch. 

MESSAGE RECEIVED: OCTOBER 30, 2019

“main producer… apollo entertainment?” jaemin stares at his screen, mouthing the words before he shakes his head and returned back to his work. fingers that had been profusedly typing the lyrics of a new track had come to a halt as soon as reality sinks in. his brows knit together as he shifts the app and goes over the dm once again. “j… one?” his says out loud this time. “what is this?” he lets out, still confused as ever, hands growing cold as he nudged haech. “is this real?” he asks pulling haech close and handing the phone over to him.

the young man gets on his feet and starts pacing, fingers running through his hair as thoughts, both good and bad, rushed to his mind. jaemin was starting to get overwhelmed, sitting himself back down and wrapping his arms aroun haech. “baby… it’s… it’s fake, right?” he asks, hesitantly, almost wishing that haech would say it is, but also that it isn’t. just as quickly as the positive scenarios played in his head, really bad ones come to play too. “it’s not a good joke. not a good one.” he adds, forcing a smile as he takes his phone back. but his boyfriend’s words make his heart pound wildly in his chest.

“it’s a verified account, baby.” donghyuck says, and then jaemin’s mind goes blank.

it’s an understatement to say that jaemin had lost it. two days later, nothing was registered and he felt like he was dreaming. he stood speechless in front of the apollo ent building in cheondamdong, wondering if the message he got was even real. but jaemin took a look at the dm again, and j:one’s profile just to make sure he hasn’t entirely gone crazy after having written so many diss tracks and succumbing to his frustrations at the time.

but na jaemin does suck it up, holds his breath, goes inside and does as he is instructed. he knew that some companies did this kind of thing, but he never imagined in his wildest dream that it was going to happen to him. he didn’t upload his tracks on soundcloud with anything of that sort in mind. in fact, if anything, he did it to just… let people know what he was feeling thinking. but that’s not a truth he can share with j:one, a personal thought like that isn’t something you share with someone who’s hoping to have you sign with the company. and jaemin doesn’t. instead, he shares his process, his inspiration, and what else he had in store. the producer was as professional as he had imagined, heck, jaemin even felt like he was very much interested in what he had to say. and by the end of their meeting, even when jaemin said his honest piece of wanting to ’think about it first’, the older man’s “i look forward to work with you” gave him a good feeling.

the young man does think about it, hard in fact, talked to his boyfriend about what he was going to do and still asked if all of it was real. he slept on it, and tried to focus on his schoolwork. come november 4th, as promised, he came back to apollo entertainment to sign his with the company.

OOC: You’ve been scouted by APOLLO entertainment! If you’d like to sign please read over APOLLO’s trainee expectations here and then submit the attached form to the APOLLO blog’s submission box. For more information about becoming a trainee at LIMITLESS, please click here! Also remember that not signing does not affect your chances at getting scouted again. You have a week to decide; this contract offer will expire on next week TUESDAY ( November 5th ) at the end of the day, midnight EST. When you’ve responded to this post please tag it as #apollosnsscouting!

[lmjaem]

just eat it

now he's starting to feel the downside of wearing body tight suits. sure, it looks movie accurate and they've been getting compliments from people. but jaemin is not enjoying wearing the spider man suit when it feels icky and sweaty because of the crowd. his mood stars to go downhill from the moment he found himself fixing his sleeve, the pants, and then giving up on the mask. he resorts to getting some food for him and haech instead, hoping that some fresh air would help.

jaemin heaves a sigh as he waits for his turn at the food stall. he's been eyeing the stall since they got there, but it's flocked by customers earlier. and now, it still is, so he stands in line patiently, rolling his eyes as the seller chats ever so frequently with the customers as though making them laugh or giving their costumes compliments would make them buy more -- they never did.

the young man had been so preoccupied with his thoughts that he doesn't realize he's standing in front of a familiar face until he turns to look around. "oh, hey liv, didn't see you there..." he lets out, greeting hyejoo ( @lmhyejoo ) with a nod and a small smile. "are you enjoying yourself tonight?" he continues, not as enthusiastic as he hoped to sound given how long he's been standing in line. “there’s another stall somewhere down there, food looks pretty good, do you wanna go together? i think we’ll starve to death if we wait here longer...”

[lmjaem]

double combo

his frustration about uni has been constant that when an opportunity to unwind presented itself, he grabbed it without hesitation. he wasn't exactly the type to attend these kinds of things, not even before. but ever since haech, he's tried things he's wary of and grew to like and appreciate them. it helped him in a lot of ways, more than he even realized. his relationship with other people improved to -- well, he figured that would be a given because he went out with them more.

jaemin thought he shouldn't be the only one getting a night off to just breathe. he invited eric ( @lmeric ) out to enjoy the festivities -- not the first time, but surely, it came even with a tiny bit of surprise because na jaemin himself invited his friend out to an event and not as a dare. he goes over the texts he sent and he shakes his head, embarrassed. he can't believe he just told eric that it will be 'the greatest halloween ever'. the thought of him typing it that day made him shudder, and he tries to recall what it was going through his mind for him to bargain like that.

still, jaemin waits patiently for his friend with a smile. watching people clad in their costumes, most smelling like they've a little too much too drink, some like that of candy, but all of them looked like they were having a great time. kaist students like them deserve it too, right? they take pride in their academics, but a night out wouldn't hurt. "hey freshman, over here!" he calls out, smirking as he waved at his friend.

[lmjaem]

peek-a-boo

jaemin doesn’t realize that he’s left something valuable in his room until he was putting together some documents he needed for university. he’s gone over the folders exactly fifteen times before he’s given up and admitted that he had missed to pack those papers. he curses and groans – as quietly as he could of course, while he starts to get ready for the halloween thing they were going to. the last thing that he wanted right now was to go back to their house after the hearsay his nosey aunts call him for. there was really no way around it.

and that’s how he finds himself, sitting at yet another bus stop, dressed in the all too familiar black hoodie that he only wears if there was something that needed to be done... discreetly -- and to hide the spider man suit he had on. as if he was on a roll with missing out on the details, he caught sight of his cousin, soojin ( @lmsoojin ) approaching their meeting place. whenever he thought about how many times they had interacted, it’s amusing to him that he doesn’t realize they were related. he really needed to sleep more, that’s for sure.

he gets on his feet and waves at his cousin, a smile as she came closer and closer. there would have been a different welcome greeting if this was someone else, another friend and donghyuck definitely got a different one the first time jaemin brought them along on his... errands. “you sure you want to go do this with me?” he tells her, hands slipping into the front pockets of his jeans. “you can back out now if you want.” he adds, sounding a little absurd about something that seems like a normal thing to do. after all, going back home to get some stuff one left behind was something everyone did – and that’s all he told soojin. not exactly how they were getting it. "don't you have like any place to be at? like a halloween thing or something?"

[lmhaechan-deactivated20191213]

the lovers card

[lmjaem]

lmhaechan·:

–––– @lmjaem ; 

the deadpool costume is riding up, not as freeing as his princess leia last year. but jaemin looks just as good as he did as han solo, so no complaints from him. he can’t really breathe with the mask on, so he’s opted to just shove it in his pocket as he sits down in front of madam choi with his boyfriend’s hand in his. he swallows before he drops jaemin’s hand, forgetting where they are for a moment before giving jaemin an awkward smile and patting him on the leg. 

“a question, jaem,” he says after he hands over the right amount of money. “we gotta think of a question, right?” the woman sitting in front of him nods and shuffles a deck of worn looking cards. “do you have a question?” donghyuck says with an eyebrow raised and a small smirk. 

jaemin had grown to like halloween over the past year. mostly because donghyuck seems so into it, and he like seeing his boyfriend's eyes light up whenever he talks about something he enjoys. he had no complaints about the costume -- but haech didn't need to know that, he just couldn't resist how cute his boyfriend reacted whenever he groaned or whined about something. this year was not different from last year, they decided to go in a couple costume (sort of) again.

he wasn't fond of the suit or the mask, but he was having a great time so far that he was trying to pay it no mind. like haech, he takes the mask off when it started to get a little hot. he runs his fingers through his hair as they sat down in front of someone they called 'madam choi'. he looks over haech right away when he drops his hand, seeing that smile on his face makes jaemin's inside go cold a bit, but he smiles back at him still.

the young man hums, chewing on his bottom lip as he thought of a question like he was being asked to. "what does the future look like for me and..." jaemin asks firmly as he looked at haech with a soft smile, hand reaching out to hold his before looking over to the woman, "the only one i love?"

[lmjaem]

jaemin has been going back and forth about the idea of having the track uploaded. sure, he's had his some of his tracks on his soundcloud. but this particular one was much more aggressive straight forward than the kind of songs he had there so far. all he wanted to say were tucked in this lyrics. but as the pointer hang over the upload button, he takes a deep breath, leaning back, and switching windows instead to listen to the song one more time. this is what his friends and a few followers have been waiting for these past few months now. he's been silent about his experience in the show, not an actual conversation with anyone but haechan. now, the world will hear it in its full uncensored glory.

as soon as he started writing the lyrics down, he felt the frustration brewing inside him. just like the day after the reality sinks in and he sits in the couch, re-watching the previous episodes and then keeping up with the new ones. his process is perhaps typical, he writes down without thought, just pour out everything onto the paper, let his hand grip onto the pencil as hard as he felt like it, sloppy hand writing, vague phrases, nerdy references, anything and everything goes down. that's the first stage. the words are what he usually focuses on first, because as outspoken as he is, there needs to be a certain way words are delivered or sentences are constructed otherwise they could be misunderstood.

BREAKING NEWS, THE KID FROM SEASON 5 TOOK HIS MICROPHONE OFF THE CAMERAS GOT TAKEN AWAY AND HIS CUSPIDS STARTED TO GROW (BACK), THIS IS UNLIKE HIS REIMAGINED TRACKS, HE'S A PRODIGY IN SLEEVING WHEN YOU PRESS PLAY, THIS TRACK WILL HIT THE AIRWAVES MUCH HARDER THAN VALVIDIA AND SPLASH BLOOD ACROSS THE FRONT ROW

honestly, he isn't worried about what people are going to say or what they'd think of him, that ship has never docked. if all that mattered to him at all, he wouldn't bother with this dream to become an idol. jaemin shifts in his seat, nodding his head as the beat goes on. he sits in the dark room, the screen being the only source of light, making his eyes hurt a bit after doing the backing tracks for the last four hours. he remembers recording this part a handful of times, thinking the feel wasn't right at all. hearing it now, passing up on sleep and some breaks in class is worth it. he held his breath when he let donghyuck first hear it, but he was sure his boyfriend is glad that he's ble to talk more about his feelings.

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE AT THE TOP? Y'KNOW GRAVITY DOESN'T REST ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE WE SIT NEXT TO EACH OTHER IN THIS PIT A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY THIS IS A PETTY MOVE, TASTELESS AND RUDE BUT I'M HUMAN (RIGHT?) I NEED TO FEEL GOOD AND SAY WHAT I HAVE TO SAY THIS RUDE KID WILL THROW SOME PUNCHES BET IT WOULDN'T EVEN HURT (YOU) NONE OF YOU WILL PROBABLY COMMENT OR THE MEN IN SUITS WILL STEP IN MOLDED TO BE THICK-SKINNED WITH POLISHED SMILES AND GOOD MANNERS (BULLSHIT) BUT YOU LOST YOUR SHOT, BROKE THE DOME, WHY ARE SHIFTING LANES NOW?

it feels good. being able to articulate these feelings that he's had to keep inside of him for weeks. the track has been sitting in his laptop for weeks, finished but needed some polishing. in those weeks, he sat in silence and went on with his life thinking it would remain just another dark thought at the back of his mind. he wasn't one to engage in things that would not bring about anything beneficial. but when he thought about how it could help his mental state, give him a peace of mind. he thought maybe discourse doesn't always have to be a two-way thing, nor did it require a response.

A SHIT TON OF EMPTY PROMISES, ENCOURAGEMENTS ALL FOR THE SAKE OF COMPANY IMAGE BET YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER MY NAME, STILL YOU'D SAY I HAVE STAR POTENTIAL BUT KEEP LISTENING, I'M SURE YOU WOULDN'T FORGET ME OR THIS SONG YOU'D TAKE THE CD BUT NOT FOR MY DEMOS, BUT TO PUT MY FACE ON BILLBOARDS GET HIGH TIMESLOT RATING, MORE SOCIAL MEDIA HITS, MERCH ON DEMAND, WHO CARES IF I HAVE MEDIOCRE TALENT AS LONG AS I SOLD OUT THE SHOW, RIGHT?

if anything, jaemin felt cheated. he had been following the industry for pr!zem, knowing the hows and whats in order to support them like every fan would. he's one of the biggest fansites in the fandom. n jaemin should have known better. and yet he found himself hoping that things would be different, he thought maybe, just maybe this time it would be different. (who knew he still have that kind of faith for anyone or anything else but haech?) it was foolish of him, and that's why this track exists.

LET'S ALL DANCE TO A DIFFERENT TRACK NOW, I'M READY TO LISTEN TO YOU (NAH) JUST DON'T TAKE ME FOR A FOOL BUT THAT'S NOT HAPPENING, IS IT? SO LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR THIS TRACK EXISTS BECAUSE THE PLAYING FIELD WAS TIPPED ADVERTISED AS OPEN TO ALL, BUT THESE ARE THE SAME FACES DIDN'T REALIZE THAT I WAS LUCKY, FELT LIKE THE LOTTERY MORE THAN ANYTHING I ALWAYS THOUGHT STAYING UNIQUE AND TRUE TO THE MUSIC WAS ALL THAT MATTERS BUT I GUESS ALL THAT'S BABY TALK IF SOMEONE HAS BETTER CONNECTIONS

despite knowing this is something he'd probably do eventually, jaemin still felt good about finally hearing it like this. it's finished, ready, and perfectly encapsulates the emotions and ideas he wanted to deliver. it was just a matter of how deep people will go into his lyrics, it's as much as a diss track as a wake-up call of sorts. but something inside of him did change after the song. a setback isn't going to stop him from writing more. he stopped for a while and thought about quitting, but what would that do for him? he refuses to let them win. he hates the idea of that of all things.

BUT REALLY I WROTE THIS SONG TO SPEAK MY MIND, DO WHAT I COULDN'T ON STAGE BECAUSE SOME COMPANIES NEED RAW CONCEPTS FOR THEIR UPCOMING COMEBACKS HERE'S A HEARTFELT ADVISE TO THE CAPITALIST USING MUSIC AS A COVER UP, PAY PROPER WAGES, TREAT ARTISTS RIGHT, AND WEAVE SOME HUMANITY IN YOUR BUSINESS CHARITY WORK DOESN'T EQUATE TO COMPASSION, VACATIONS AREN'T A PRIZE, IT'S A RIGHT STOP PUSHING PEOPLE TO BRINK OF A BURNOUT, OR TO LIVE SECRET LIVES THAT'S HOW BUTTERFLY EFFECTS COME ABOUT, GROUP BREAK-UPS, AND DISS TRACKS, YOU'RE LISTENING TO ONE RIGHT NOW.

he was hoping by the time he reaches this part of the song, he'd have changed his mind and let the song stay in the folder. it's usually easy to just brush off his frustrations once he's talked about it or wrote about it. but there was still that desire to have it uploaded, for it to reach the audience and for absolutely everyone to hear. it goes beyond this particular song though, there was the urge upload his older demos, even the ones he wasn't very confident in. he can't let his anxieties hold him back, can't overthink things at this point. he's already put himself out there the minute he admitted this is what he wanted to do.

THIS WORLD IS FALLING UNDER THE MERCY OF GREED IF A CONVENIENT OPPORTUNITY COMES, THE FALLEN WOULD TAKE IT WHO CARES IF IT'S HYPOCRITICAL OR IRONIC, AN OPPORTUNITY IS AN OPPORTUNITY I GUESS IN A WAY I UNDERSTAND IT, BUT THAT's JUST HYPOCRITICAL I'M GONNA BEGIN THE OUTRO, EVERYTHING IS OUT IN THE OPEN AFTER ALL WHAT IS THE POINT OF TRYING TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND AND SEE WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR EYES CLOSE AND HANDS OVER YOUR EARS? IF THERE'S ANYTHING I PICKED UP FROM ALL OF THIS IT'S TO CHANNEL EVERYTHING TO MY MUSIC AND KEEP CREATING MASTERPIECES THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING OF A MASTER PLAN THERE'S MORE I'M ABOUT TO DROP BUT I'M SAVING IT FOR MY NEXT TRACK NOW THAT'S HOW YOU DO A PROMOTION YOU TELL THE TRUTH (DON'T GET CAUGHT)

this is the part he's convinced that he's lost it, and he shakes his head and sighs as he hits upload. "open system it is." he mumbles as he gets on his feet, a small smile finally break on his face as he sees it finally up.

LYRICS / FLOW REFERENCE INSTRUMENTAL