Parenting’s finest

better living through chemistry!

[loamandlovechild]

just a quick brag so I don’t forget 😅

A mid-twenties cashier in Safeway said G “looked like a renaissance painting” and touched his face (she was quite likely on some kind of psychedelic, but whatever!)

while playing with G near the new rainway that’s being built, an older (crazy?) woman said he was, and I quote!, “the most beautiful thing” she had “ever seen”. Then he smiled at her and she was like, overcome with emotion lol. Now, I think this is probably more likely due to something she was experiencing or going through independently of G’s ravishing beauty, but I’ll take it!!

He also really liked the book Pumpkin Eye by Denise Fleming. We read it several times both prior to and post-Halloween. The illustrations were excellent, very moody and expressionistic He especially liked looking at the Jack-o’-lanterns and guessing slash assigning them emotions

[loamandlovechild]

To all the moms who were so nice and sympathetic and helpful when my kid was screaming his head off for 1hr straight at the ice rink- thank you. I hope to be what you were to me to other people.

to the custodian who laughed every time we walked past with him in my arms scratching and weeping and screaming- thank you for helping me find the levity and for not being mad or annoyed and for suggesting using the water fountain as distraction

[loamandlovechild]

18 months

What he likes (for now); a non exhaustive list

-roasted sweet potato, hummus, pancakes, french fries, olives, ketchup, tomato sauce, fake tuna salad, frozen blueberries, most muffins, pasta, scrambled egg (for now..) with salt, capers, plain bagels, peanut butter and jelly, butter, cheese (unfortunately), white bread, naan bread, Nutella, m & ms, carrots (to a point), raspberries, wow butter (kind of, with jam, also ew), pumpkin seeds, hippie granola bars, buttered peas (to a point)

I love my kid so much and he can be so sweet and funny and gentle, but holy hell the screaming meltdowns over every goddamn thing.. and I fear “Bye Bye Birdie” is losing its efficacy :(

[loamandlovechild]

this week has been hard. I had this idea for a really thoughtful, comprehensive post about things I didn’t know before having kids, but that would be helpful or at least worth considering.. but I’m just too fucking tired

our experiment with dairy has ended with.. explosive results. So I’m back to trying to figure out vegan toddler friendly finger foods that cover the food groups, have enough nutrients and limited weird shit, that he’ll actually like, and are varied enough that when he inevitably turns off one meal/ingredient/go-to combo there’s enough shit in the fridge or freezer that J and I can cobble something together quickly with minimal stress. LOL. It’s a unique fear (“wtf do I make him?!”) and it happens multiple times a day. Ugh.

all this to say! I’m pretty proud of our compromise tonight, under duress. Frozen vegan chicken nuggets, but with a homemade generic “Asian” sauce with minimal salt and fresh ginger. We even produced a side dish of steamed (frozen) peas! With lots of healthy olive oil. And he’s eating it! Thank god!

anyway. Parenting is something i will never be “on top of” and I have to try and find ways of making peace with that without getting totally defeated and defaulting to the bare minimum. And with my tempered? Easy peasy 🙃

[loamandlovechild]

Now the proud mother of a standing baby!!

[loamandlovechild]

It’s been a minute!

I’m basically just wanting to list foods he likes because right now he basically refuses to let you feed him, so finding baby (toddler? Pre-toddler?) safe food he can feed himself, that works with his allergy, that he likes, that ideally wont cause a massive mess has been a task

-asparagus (ideally roasted with garlic, but he’ll eat it raw- we had a good time playing with it [put it into the pan, take it out, play swords, pretend it’s a telephone] after my “how about you wash it and get involved with dinner prep and learn life skills whilst having fun at the same time!” thing blew up into a spectacular massacre of spilt water and asparagus fronds and shards everywhere)

-zucchini (roasted or pan fried demi rounds or breaded into knock off zoo sticks)

-toasts (with peanut butter, pesto, hummus, etc. the white bean spread I made was less successful but whatever.) this is my go-to and I need to branch out

-dad’s banana pancakes

-quinoa (cooked with strained tomatoes, red pepper flakes, paprika. Mashed up with coconut yogurt or mayonnaise into little balls he can pick up. This is still messy, but not insurmountably so. Usually.)

-pasta (ideally penne. Ideally with dad’s sauce and chunks of veggie Italian sausage)

-mashed sweet potato (with or without coconut yogurt)

-mashed potatoes (ideally with garlic smashed in)

-tomato based things

-tater tots

he likes spicy sauces, garlic, fried shit..

he liked vinegar peppers for a bit until he didn’t

maybe time to branch out and try braised fennel or roasted brussel sprouts? It’s very annoying and demoralizing to cook for him and have him throw it on the floor. It’s stressful trying to figure out wtf he’ll like that at least alludes to health

dislikes:

-salad greens (I think he miiiight like a crisp spear of romaine heart with a garlicky vinaigrette, but who wants to have that shit rotting in their fridge hoping you’ll get around to it?)

-Earth’s Own brand soy milk

-stuff I either didn’t know or forgot about until it’s too late

[loamandlovechild]

This haul was under $22!

which doesn’t seem like a great deal, but trust it is

[loamandlovechild]

Reading about Mary Shelley and how she lost her children, I stopped breathing and had to remind myself to start.

I have absolutely no idea what I’d do if I lost G

it is slightly shocking, and terrifying, realizing you love someone so much. I always knew that I would, of course you would, and have often reduced myself to tears kind of navel gazing and imagining it. But even if it felt real in the moment, it’s obviously still an abstraction and the actual reality of having a child to lose.. I’m somehow surprised (and surprised at my surprise) at how *visceral* my horror and terror is at the thought. Like when you hurt yourself, the few seconds before the pain sets in

I truly and deeply and honestly pray, to who or what ever, that that could never ever ever happen

[loamandlovechild]

[loamandlovechild]

“Can you blow dry the dog? I just have the worst heartburn and have to get some Tums so I can keep drinking.”

I don’t even remember which one of us said it

[loamandlovechild]

Anyone who hasn’t said “I hate you!” And “don’t fucking touch me” and “don’t touch my shit” to a parent, romantic partner, or baby is a fucking liar

[loamandlovechild]

I almost lost it on this dad today, on my way to yuppie mom fitness class (yeah.)

he was just standing there, with a stroller blocking the intersection, on his phone. And I’m already in a shitty, aggro mood (not sleeping, rapid schedule changes, my naturally bad personality). But as sweetly as I can muster I say “excuse me” and wait for him to move.

but he doesn’t. He has his fucking AirPods in and is totally uninterested in the world moving and continuing around outside of his stupid apple devices. It’s too narrow to maneuver my own stroller, so I repeat myself twice with increasing shrill intensity. He finally hears me and moves (having the audacity to look surprised), but I’m so mad

I want to scream “spatial awareness?!” I want to scream “fuck you!!” I want to scream “English, motherfucker!! Do you speak it?!”

but then a miracle happens. Im reminded of another cinematic gem. The Room. My hero and yours, Johnny. “Do you understand life?? Do you?!”

and now I’m laughing maniacally, rage sweating poorly smeared sunscreen streaks of white across my face and chest, rage clutching the handle on the stroller we cheaped out on so that the shitty black foam is transferring all over my palms. Safety1st stroller bouncing erratically all over the 1970s pebbled sidewalk and jutting tree roots of 10th Avenue. Sane citizens moving out of my wake.

Waiting outside this trendy gym? “space”? (all of that and I’m too early), feeling stupid and out of place and guilty for even having the opportunity to spend an hour listening to a gleaming, positive instructor wearing a wraparound microphone, I step on a crack pipe. Nature restores itself

[loamandlovechild]

this book is honestly so good. It’s interactive and kind of cheeky

(

)

G loves it and it really lends itself to that kind of dramatic vocal variation little kids like (though, to be fair, G will even be [feign?] interested in my “How to make sure your child enjoys seeing the dentist” pamphlet if I use that voice)

Additionally, (despite my ideals and aspirations I know I will never be a Jain) can conclusively say this book is fucking excellent at killing flies

10/10 am strongly considering purchasing

[loamandlovechild]

Having never been a parent before, and having a shifting “always want to martyr and exaggerate the current state” tendency (so am not at all convincing or convinced of this):

the teething stage, for me, is second to the newborn stage in terms of lack of sleep, wtf is going on, upset of routine, extra care and steps required to keep your kid healthy, and then that terrifying long view of it’s only going to get harder and more complicated, and you’re only going to love them more and want to do right by them more, but get more confused and overwhelmed and (scarily, hopefully not) worn down/checked out because of all the anxiety and all the overload and onslaught of often contradictory information.

your desire to “do good” ramps up just as your “faith in your ability to do it” and “confidence in ascertaining what that even is” ramp down. And you’re exhausted and the politics and necessity (medically, psychologically, folly of) nighttime nursing is once again this major thing to parse when compromised and in the moment

the degree of deep, primal, biological need to soothe and understand and desire to fix their pain and at the same time feeling annoyed, inconvenienced, and out of your depth (aka annoyed, inconvenienced, and very anxious/overwhelmed/defeated).. holding these two seemingly contradictory viewpoints, viscerally and in equal measure at most times..

is weird. Guilt and resentment on a scale and to such degrees of nuance that you already understood intellectually, but now must cope with in real time and being hyper aware of the real life consequences of fucking it up..

[loamandlovechild]

I was thinking about my most repeated quotes re: my family

Husband:

“oh god i love you so much” and “you’re such a big stupid asshole”

dog:

“ohhh McBoodle-y-boo-boo!” Or “fuck off, MacDonald”

P:

“you’re such a great kid” or “knock it off”

G:

some variant of “G the baby/baby G” and “what the hell is wrong with you?”

[loamandlovechild]

im too weird, nobody likes me. All my social problems pre-baby are exactly the same post- baby, except post baby everyone else who is post baby has more of a vested interest in faking it?

my psychiatrist, “case worker”(?), and I all have kids around the same age, and ironically that’s the “Mom Chat” (🤮) I would really appreciate because that veneer of civility and propriety is all gone (on my end anyway) . There’s a real benefit to people knowing your diagnoses (and vice versa)! It’s underrated, cutting out a lot of extraneous bullshit

[loamandlovechild]

I’m mostly reconciled to the fact that I’m basically a 1960s mom. Smoking, drinking, scrounging for amphetamines, constant nervous breakdowns. That’s just who I am.

What’re you gonna do, you know?

I yam what I yam.