sad and bored @lon3lyyy - Tumblr Blog

time to call it a night / lily rain

Modern heartbreak is “read at 9:13 p.m.” when it’s 9:40. it’s unliked photos, it’s blocking and unblocking and blocking and unblocking. modern heartbreak is sick with being watched, it’s breakups playing out on twitter feeds, it’s unfollowed unfollowed unfollowed. it’s screenshotted photos that shouldn’t have been saved, it’s screenshotted texts meant for one person only. it’s seeing your ex lover with their new one, watching their lives playing out like yours didn’t, it’s phones thrown into bedroom walls when their profile changes from single to in a relationship. it’s snapchat stories to make that one person jealous because it feels like without them you’re nothing, it’s that one story expiring before they see it because they don’t give a fuck about you now and you know it, it’s deleting their contact info but wanting it tattooed on the back of your hand in case you ever want to call, it’s messy it’s messy it’s messy it’s so fucking messy because everyone fucking sees it and it never goes away.

sheabutterbitch

“Your future self deserves more, so now, you ache.”

Extracting the toxicity from our lives does not always provide instant relief. A lot of the time, relationships [and things] that are bad for you, feel good. If, by your own strength and courage, you are able to disengage — do not be swayed by the pain you feel.

mikkelbangmer

inkskinned

And sometimes. Even though you’re careful. Some dreams die.

Life happens and you gotta cut the slack out of it. Stop reading so much because there’s no time for it, get tired easier, find yourself misanthropic. Don’t enjoy movies in the same way because you spent it wondering if you should be doing work. Used to play sports but that was before sports started to hurt.

God, I loved dance! I grated my skin raw trying to make my curvy body perfect for ballet’s expectations. I got older. Chose other things. Got thicker, because that’s my framing. Still go to the occasional dance class and see: oh. I’m aging. Oh, I gotta take this slow. Oh, I have muscle and it shows and that’s not a bad thing.

I’m learning to close my eyes and forgive the soft spots. You never became an artist but you still draw. You didn’t run to the circus but you do have a friend who has offered to help you learn aerial yoga and isn’t that close to the same thing. You had to work instead of playing, and that sucked. at least now when you get to play, you appreciate every second.

And no. I can’t move like I used to. Takes me longer to remember what used to come naturally. This Saturday, I’m going to audition for Alvin Ailey, but I don’t have the hope of 17-year-old me. Instead I’m considering it a class. Taking my hits with humility.

And okay. We aren’t going to suddenly be what we wished we were. But sometimes we get to knock. Crack open the door. Close our eyes and be just doing it. No wish for success. Just us and our dream, hand in hand.

And oh how we dance.