dwight you ignorant slut

jae / 21 / *nsync voice* it ain't no lie, im bi bi bi

[halalcocaine]

there she goes again, daydreaming about her future house and how she’ll decorate it knowing she can’t afford a house in this economy ever. and by she i mean me.

[greyhyms-deactivated20220506]

damn when am i gonna break free of society’s shackles and become an 18th century lady pirate captain who eventually gets caught by the navy in a caribbean port because i stopped to bed the neglected governor’s daughter who is soon to be married to a prestigious naval officer for whom she has no feelings meanwhile she is immediately drawn to me when we meet in the market so i woo her and she happily comes, so to speak, but the governor and naval officer find us because i let down my guard for once because She Does Unexpected Things To My Heart and they throw me in prison and sentence me to death for piracy but that same night ANOTHER band of pirates kidnap the governor’s daughter and hold her for ransom and do so Very Threateningly and the navy can’t catch this dastardly brute so i’m released on the grounds i rescue the woman and bring her back unharmed and i’m like uh huh sure and when i get free i debate just leaving for the first pirate port but i can’t shake the image of the woman from my mind so i convince the crew to chase down this other pirate and they’re wary but also eager for a fight so we go and rescue her before any harm befalls her and after cutting down the brutish rival pirate captain i stand there with my sword drawn looking sweaty and butchy and bloody but with concern in my eyes for her well-being  then she throws her arms around me and i take her back to my cabin and she cleans my wounds and we make sweet passionate love in the candlelight and she tells me she always knew i would come for her, again so to speak, and we decide we can never be parted again so i give my ship to a spunky up-and-coming heroic sidekick lad who proved his mettle in our recent battle and meanwhile me and my love run off and shack up on a small island with the money i put away that i stole from the british and we live to be old and happy the end

[canadianstuck]

One of the funniest things I ever experienced was when I went to go see John Mulaney live, and halfway through a bit about how expensive college in the States is, he looked down at the sleeve of his suit jacket and just. stopped. dead halt, mid sentence.

And after like three seconds, where we’re all trying to figure out the punchline because the story clearly hadn’t ended, and John Mulaney quietly says, “Has there been tinfoil on my buttons the whole goddamn show?”

He’d taken his suit to the drycleaner, and they’d wrapped the buttons on the sleeves and the coat with tinfoil to protect them, and John Mulaney didn’t notice until half-way through his set, and was SO FLABBERGASTED that he never did finish the story about college and instead did five minutes on how stupid it was that his buttons were reflecting the light and he just didn’t notice, and in that moment I understood more about John Mulaney as a person than I ever have.

[ournameisfun]

during one of his portland shows, he noticed this like 7 year old girl in the front row and asked her (and her parents) if she ‘is aware that she is physically here right now’ or if she was just brought along. turns out her favorite john mulaney bit is the “and I’m new in town” bit and that she’s seen all his stuff. He was so shocked and discomforted by the fact a SEVEN YEAR OLD has seen his shows, that he couldn’t get through a bit about donating to charity without interrupting himself at least three times to import good life lessons on this small child, as if that makes up for all the horrible things he’s said that she heard

[sammysausage]

When I saw him in Ft. Lauderdale, there was a bar in the lobby that people kept leaving to go to. At one point, a guy in the front row just got up and BOOKED IT to get drinks. John Mulaney looked over at a woman who was next to the empty seat and asked, “Are you with him? What’s his name?”

She was, in fact, with him, and she did tell him her date’s name. John Mulaney considered this, looked around, and unplugged his microphone. Leaning in to us, he told us that we were going to trick this guy so fuckin hard. He said, “At some point during the show, I am going to stop and say, ‘Well, you guys know what they say here in Ft. Lauderdale,’ and then you guys are all going to scream back ‘WE LOVE MILKSHAKES!’ He’ll be so confused.”

He then continued on with the show as normal, the drinks guy returned to his seat, and that was that for quite a long time. We thought he had forgotten about it until, at some point during what I believe was his McDonald’s drive-thru bit, he shrugged his shoulders and said, “You guys know what they say here in Ft. Lauderdale…”

Naturally, we erupted with “WE LOVE MILKSHAKES” and John Mulaney SWUNG around to face the drinks guy and said, “I bet you’re real confused now, huh, JASON?!”

[windyvalleyzone]

ah so john mulaney is a chaotic neutral cryptid

[jxhn-mulaney]

i saw him last night and there was a good ten minute interlude where a woman told him everything she found wrong with his suit, including that his pants were too high waisted to which he replied “that’s where my hips are” and someone in the back shouted “look at that high waisted man he’s got feminine hips!” and he yelled back “that’s my joke! i’m offended!!”

[writ-darling]

A Christmas Carol but instead of 3 ghosts Scrooge gets the Fab 5

[epicmurdock]

I really hate it when parents of autistic kids use phrases like “I know they’re in there.” Bitch they’re right in front of you! You haven’t lost them! They’re not locked away like a final boss in a video game!! This is your child As Is! Love them for who they are not what you wish they would be! Fuck!

[kari-izumi]

OP you are right and you should say it 👍

[dyscomancer]

At this point there’s no excuse for a baby boomer to be technologically incompetent anymore. It’s just willful ignorance, this shit is not fucking hard

[dyscomancer]

“why is it asking for a password” because you’re logging into something martha, that’s how it’s been for the last 20 fucking years

“how do i do [x] can you show me” no dale you can Google it like the rest of us. it requires one exposure to the concept of googling to understand how it works. your generation was smart enough to cause a total economic collapse out of malice but not smart enough to type in a few words I guess

“im just not tech savvy” no you just refuse to learn because like in most things you are stuck in your ways

[dyscomancer]

the worst part is after you help an old fuck with some sort of tech bullshit 9 times out of 10 they’ll give you some kind of bullshit passive aggressive thank-you

like “oh i guess you young people have to know something about those phones you’re always on, huh?”

give me a fucking break gretchen i have depression from living in the economy you created and my phone is more of a reprieve than dealing with your stubborn inconsiderate ass

[dyscomancer]

AND ANOTHER THING that just gets my blood boiling is their ability to get into their settings, completely fuck things up, and then manage to develop total amnesia about how it happened

what do you mean you set your phone to japanese on accident, phil? there’s like 15 separate menus you have to navigate through to get there

“i think it’s because i got a virus” no greg it’s not a virus, the only viruses here are your rampant stupidity and the deadly pathogens carried by your unvaccinated grandchildren

[dyscomancer]

i just absolutely loathe that the people who decide if women should be executed for having abortions or not are the same people who can’t figure out how to work a blu-ray player with the instructions in front of them

[shoutoutscout]

I hope everyone who works in retail has an easy day today, has to deal with minimal obnoxious customers, meets a nice old couple that says “oh thank you dear!!”, gets a lovely and refreshing break, gets along with their coworkers…… I just want y'all to have a good day you deserve it

[n-haught]

people at work: wow, you are always in such a good mood, how do you do that?

me, an actually cranky, apathetic, trainwreck human: it’s called manners, susan.

[gingerkyuketsuki]

“do not mistake composure for ease”

[deegaynolds]

like to charge reblog to cast

[deegaynolds]

2018 sucked ass but we’re not giving up y’all

[kindnotestoself]

Seasonal depression is no joke. The sun is setting at 4pm, it’s cold and it’s dark. It’s easy to feel hopeless. So reach out. Talk with friends, Have a nice hot glass of tea (or coco, or coffee, whatever makes you happy!) Invest in a SAD light therapy device, Eat plenty of food with Vitamin D, and remember better days are coming

[kisskook]

OKAY BUT u know what really sucks………….. when ur simply a quiet person  and u have to constantly hear ppl say “just get out of ur shell!!!!! let ur hair down once in a while!!! :) dont be afraid to be you!!!! :)” like…………… i am being me………quiet ….. like……… thats me………..

[butterflyinthewell]

Something for the martyr autism-hating moms who will start whining on Christmas…

Your child’s autism didn’t ruin Christmas. You ruined Christmas for your autistic child by forcing them into situations they can’t handle and wondering why they had a huge meltdown.

Autism doesn’t ruin Christmas. People who refuse to understand it do.

[muffyblogs]

Do you ever cycle through the same 4 apps on your phone over and over again and feel like a tiger pacing its cage at the zoo

[tlatotem]

Mythbusters ended too soon. I feel like The Cask Of Amontillado is exactly the myth they would have tested.

Like, figuring out how long it takes the mortar to dry. Finding the maximum amount of time before knocking down a recently built brick wall. Establishing the best place on a recently bricked wall to topple it and escape.

And then, doing all of that while drunk.

Mythbusters, you left us too soon.

[rabbit-exe]

actually, they made that episode – I have a copy of it in my basement, wanna see?

[tlatotem]

Would I?!

[wenchyfloozymoo]

[unlikecharlie]

Watch this please. “Nanette” on Netflix

[louisironson]

In honor of Bohemian Rhapsody being released in theatres, here’s a compilation of Rami Malek acting his absolute heart out in the mid-2000s sitcom that didn’t deserve him

[lesbianshepard]

the older i get the more i can understand why people back in the old fairytale days would just fuck off and be a hermit in the woods. just chilling out in the middle of nowhere and occasionally telling random heroes cryptic shit. living the fucking dream.