lori whispers

chocolate milk for one

[loriwhispers-blog]

Sooooo. today has been a total shitshow. After getting shitfaced drunk as the only person in my friend group, I managed to hide it, but made a few slips. My crush, who by the way is the worst crush I’ve ever had, it literally hurts thinking about her, was there also and we didn’t speak a word with me. She only had eyes for Ma., which makes sense because she is a wonderful human being, absolutely lovely, not like me. 

I don’t know how to behave around Mi.. I know that I would cut my leg off for a friendship with her, but we would never work, not even as friends. We like the same stuff, as if we are clones, but she n e v e r talks and makes me feel like an obnoxious asshole all the time. 

I’m proud of me for being able to totally embarrass myself in front of my friends. This confidence was about 3 years in the making so I will never dump that for her. 

It just hurts that she only contacts me via Snapchat when she wants to talk about her latest favorite book, but in school she doesn’t even look me in the eye nor say hello.

To top it all off, I forgot to lock my rabbit in before getting drunk. After having a breakdown in front of my friends, I got home and thought “eh, mum has probably locked him in, .. but probably not.. eh, nothing will happen”. Well I woke up to my father informing me that we have to drive to the vet because my rabbit has been fighting with a badger or something and completely ripped open his nose. I am such a bad human being. I love him so much and I didn’t have the power to close a fucking cage. I hope he gets better, but I am pretty sure that he won't. I am so sorry, I am a disaster of a human.

What else to mention.. I had a breakdown crying over my lesbianism to a friend.. I wrote a lot of emails for my EVS in Paris today, which I am pretty proud of and spent the whole day caring for my rabbit. 

[loriwhispers-blog]

9th May 2018 - 12:00pm

I can’t hold it inside of me any longer. I want to be openly gay!! I want to scream out how I feel. I want to tell her my feelings. I know that she doesn’t like me back but there is some use in it I guess?? I know that she has social anxiety and me telling her I like her could work as kind of a boost? Also, I will probably never see her again after Friday, only at prom, but ... I mean .. I could just ignore her anyway. 

I want someone to hold. Someone to sleep next to on lonely Friday nights. Someone to binge watch Netflix with. Someone to kiss.

So I plan on officially coming out on Friday!! Isn’t that nice.

I’ll try to incorporate it into the drinking game or something if a question about love comes up, so ... wish me luck!

Also, I finished Leah On The Offbeat today which motivated me even more. I probably should have studied for my final exams, but I don’t think studying will help me score higher.

Just swim with the flow, Lori, everything will be fine.

[loriwhispers-blog]

30th April 2018 - 01:01am

So I've deleted her contact yesterday. I can't long for things and people I will never connect with. I don't have time thinking about when she might text me again just for her to ignore me after a few messages.

[loriwhispers-blog]

23rd April 2018 - 02:34am

Tonight sleeping doesn’t come easy;

Yet I am not restless

as I can feel the mattress clinging to my body

with every cell being the product of a future story.

How my lack of experience

will complicate my path is foreseen;

Yet it doesn’t intimidate me, not right now,

as I will initially have to 

lay the groundwork 

for future paths to form.

[loriwhispers-blog]

21th April 2018 - 11:05am

It hurts so much.

Last night I got mildly drunk by myself, smoked a lot and watched Qu’est-ce qu’on a fait au Bon Dieu?

I know that you will never actually like me. Nobody of you message me anymore. I’ve deleted all the contacts off my phone who don’t regularly message me on WhatsApp, so I’ve basically deleted all of your numbers. 

Nobody of you checks on me. I know that I am not some positive person worth your time and that you don’t want to get affected by my negativity. But when nobody actually gives a shit, negativity and loneliness kinda is the outcome of that. I don’t blame you for not being the friends I need, hell, I don’t want to pressure into doing anything, but it is kinda hypocritical that you depended on me when all of you didn’t have any other friends.. But now that all of you are so popular and beautiful, why waste your time with my negative ass? I just want to walk past you in the hall, deadpan faced, not greeting back, because I know that we have nothing to say to each other.

So now to you. I know that I can be clingy. I mean, not really because we aren’t really friends friends. But I’ve really tried being your friend or possibly more, because I know that you are lonely. 

Eventually it makes sense that you have realized as well that she is worth your time more than me. Who can resist that broad smile and welcoming gaze. 

I just want to end it all but it would be absolutely selfish when I think about me having the chance to live in Paris half a year from now. I just have to go through this time and then I can cut off the contact with all of you. You are not toxic people, but your absence is like poison to me.

[loriwhispers-blog]

17th April 2018 - 11:43pm

I mean I could just  t e l l  people about it and see if anything develops. But when and how. I don’t want to make the situation awkward because I feel like they already know.

[loriwhispers-blog]

17th April 2018 - 11:41pm

I feel like I am missing out on life. I never experienced what normal teenagers should have experienced. I don’t have the courage to go up to the people I like and tell them that I adore them. 

I can feel myself distancing from this friend group, who I adore but also dismiss as boring and too nice. I want to scream and express myself without having to care about what other people think. I don’t want to be this nice girl who glances at her crush from a distance. 

I always thought at 18 I would have my life figured out. I don’t want to end up 25 and a virgin just because I am to scared to act on my attraction to girls and tell them that I like them?? I know that I won’t be judged but I can’t deal with rejection. Especially not from M.

I know that we are too similar in many ways and therefore would be a terrible, terrible couple but I  c a n ‘ t  stop thinking about her. Day and night. Thinking intensely about what to post on snapchat just so that she might end up messaging me about for instance her adoring the show I watch.

I can’t do this anymore. W h e n  is the time to actually be  l o u d  and  p r o u d   about who I am??? I DONT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE 

[loriwhispers-blog]

17th April 2018 - 09:58pm

It hurts so much. Seeing them get excited over stuff.

S T O P bragging. ST O P being the way you are.

[loriwhispers-blog]

17th April 2018 - 09:56pm

I am so so tired of everything. I know that I will fail my A-Levels but I just can’t find the motivation to get out of my depression. 

I’m so furious with myself. Why am I jealous. I already know, that M. likes Ma. better than me and that I never will have a chance with her. I’m so fucking dumb for believing in that. Stop dropping hints. Stop being clingy around her and because of her. 

Ist just hurts seeing her getting more excited when Ma. is around than when I am around. She never greets me in the halls and I am just done. I am done trying to get her attention. I am so angry with her for liking Ma. more but I know that I shouldn’t be because.. I don’t want her to like me if she doesn't. I wouldn’t be any better than all those guys who think they have the right to claim a person for themselves. But it would be nice to have a person to rely on for a chance. So stop being weird. Stop giving her attention.

Just stop.

STOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP 

We will have to find a way to keep you silent. Don’t ask people something if they haven’t started a conversation first. Stop buggingg people. You can’t rely on others so stop getting your hopes up. 

You will never have a chance. You will never have a chance.

I know that she is your first ever real crush crush because she is just like you but it will never happen so  s t o p  i t.

[loriwhispers-blog]

13th April 2018 - 12:33pm

I’ll be visiting London again on the 22th - 26th of July!! And I will get to see George Blagden in Tartuffe?? Hopefully???

Also I will probably book Les Mis again but it’s just after the cast change and I won't be able to watch Killian Donnelly perform (At least I think it is.. cast change happens in the second week of June each year at the queen’s theatre, right?) 

I’ve been to London so many times this year, still I went and booked a five day stay. If anyone has recommendations on what to do in London please send them to me!!

[loriwhispers-blog]

10th April 2018 - 11:14pm

The way your smile broadens,

though I seem not to look,

is the most I could hope for.

Your opinions about your passions,

which consume me on daily basis,

cause a wildfire unable of being tamed.

[loriwhispers-blog]

10th April 2018 - 11:04pm

Let me speak boldly:

The pages your eyes have crossed

seems like a distateful alternative

to the illusion of holding, kissing and loving you.

[loriwhispers-blog]

8th April 2018 - 12:02pm

Today’s song.

[loriwhispers-blog]

7th April 2018 - 11:43pm

Before my lungs 

ran out of air,

I had found a 

reason to scream

your name. But now, 

efforts aside, 

I don’t regard 

affectation

to be quite as 

interesting 

as it was just

hours before.

[loriwhispers-blog]

7th April 2018 - 11:21pm

Today was.... somewhat productive?

Last night I slept at my best friend’s place. We went shopping, I bought the cutest striped blue dress and black jumpsuit along with some flower earrings. Afterwards we went to get some sushi.. but as the food took too long, we missed our reservations to watch Black Panther. I really would have liked to watch that movie but we decided to watch Tomb Raider instead, which was not too bad of a movie actually. It brought back some memories of when I was a child and found that CD at our old computer of a Tomb Raider game. I really like playing it even today.. and let’s be honest, although it is a really old game and the adventures aren’t that exciting, walking around the mansion doing the parkour and trapping the butler really is amazing. I really love that feature.

But I’m getting off topic here.

Afterwards, I drove us to his house and we went on a little stroll with his dog. It was already pretty dark. We talked a lot about me graduating from high school soon, about the university he visits and about life in general. After walking for about half an hour we found a little bench and sat down. I don’t know, there was something about the atmosphere, but I wouldn’t have rejected him if he had kissed me at that moment.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m gay and would only be in a relationship a girl, but I feel really close to him. He also struggles with social anxiety and although he won’t admit that he hates doing nothing all day except playing video games and spending time on the Internet, I know that he feels that way. I would just really like him to break out of his shell the same way I did some years ago.

We took some really beautiful photos actually, maybe I’ll post some later.

Anyways, after driving home from his place “early” this morning (....10am, don’t judge me, I had been studying for maths until 2am)  I cleaned the top floor of our house and my room. I got rid of that huge box filled with worksheets from the last two years at high school. Really felt good, now my room looks so huge.

Moreover, I started tanning and I really hope that I will be able to not be as white as a wall in June. But we’ll see.

It always hurts checking Snapchat for new stories. I know that nobody will check on me and that’s okay. I won’t shed any tears.

It just really hurts that nobody wants to go have coffee, have some drinks etc. although I’d definitely want to go. Even one of my closest friends, Ma., won’t contact me for anything except for Les Mis memes. And I’m tired of trying. If she won't make an effort, I won’t. That’s not how friendships work, I know, you have to fight for them, but I’m just tired of being used as an alternative. 

Until someone better comes along, I’ll always be the perfect substitute friend.

[loriwhispers-blog]

6th April 2018 - 12:46am

This song has been stuck in my head all day.

[loriwhispers-blog]

6th April 2018 - 12:42am

Humanizer

Though the sound doesn’t pierce my ear

and the matress supports my fear,

the fabric feels rough and never sheer

as it's hard to sleep without you here.