stuck between a rock and a hard place

just a girl talking about the mess in her head

[losehead]

And suddenly everything feels so heavy again.

Like the whole weight of the world is crushing onto my shoulders again.

I really could use your advice now.

Or more likely a hug.

[losehead]

Dear Friend,

Happy birthday to you!

You may not be here anymore but I am still thinking of you!

And oh well... I do this a lot.

I miss you.

I can only imagine how sweet the angels sound singing for you.

[losehead]

Hey dear friend,

it's me again. I know it has been a while.

I really could use to talk to you right now.

I'm feeling like standing on the verge of a mental breakdown again.

Feeling so lost in my current situation and don't know what to do or how to decide.

You used to have the right words for me or good advice anytime.

But you're not here anymore.

I would give everything so I could just hold you for one more time.

I don't even ask for words just a hug. One last time.

I mean it wouldn't help me with my chaos right now but it surely would give me some peace and ease my mind.

[losehead]

dripping soaking wet

I'm drowning 

heavy waters

full of emotions 

devastating floods

I'm sinking 

deeper

light is fading 

still dragging me down 

feelings are draining 

floating away 

I'm getting numb

deaf, blind and mute

earsplitting thoughts are hunting me

the anger so bright it's dazzling 

and the weight of the grief is tying my tongue 

I'm drowning

[losehead]

run baby

sore lungs

bare feet

down the river

hush baby

dawn is near

aching heart

restless soul

your mind is wandering 

trough the woods

trees so tall

roots grabbing your ankles

thorns scratching your skin

dancing shadows

can you remember?

[losehead]

emotions so deep

breath-cutting pain

feeling like bursting

cracking ribs

shards so sharp

can you see it?

I'm shattered 

trying to keep my pieces 

but there's red. all red.

flooding the floors.

and the silence so loud

hurting my soul.

overwhelming 

I lay down to rest

sinking into the depths 

soothing dark

can you carry me?

calming my heart

and ease my mind

please find me.

[losehead]

[losehead]

Hey dear friend,

I thought about you earlier that day.

A flower came into my mind that would suit you really good.

It's called forget-me-not.

Guess what I found in front of my door on the gras?

I really miss you

Love you

[losehead]

Hey dear friend. I need you right now. I would die to be able to talk to you for a few minutes.

Ugh.

[losehead]

Hello again.

Another post about my wrecked mind.

To sum up:

After my graduation as a veterinary technician I was still working in that animal practice.

About a month ago I left and now I am searching for a new job.

Last summer my boyfriends son moved into our flat and were living together since. Seems like a happy little family, right?

I wish it would be like that.

But I'm feeling so confused about my feelings and about the whole situation in general.

I do love my boyfriend and I do love his son aswell. But all this does not feel as right as I supposed it to feel.

I'm not ready to live my life that way. Settle down, maybe marry and even have kids on my own...

[losehead]

Und wieder denke ich daran wie schön es wäre wieder mit dir reden zu können.

[losehead]

Hey dear friend,

do you remember the time my grandfather died? Back then my parents told me that he died because of cancer.

Spoiler alarm: He didn't die because of cancer.

Last Sunday was mother's day and my mom really celebrated that day with her sisters. They had a good time and drank a lot of alcohol, my mum included.

So since my mom drank onto an empty stomach she got drunk real fast.

Well later that day...I can't remember when...but anyway, she just dropped that grandpa-bomb in a seemingly normal conversation.

The truth is: My grandfather hung himself.

I'm still wondering why my parents kept this as a secret for so long...

[losehead]

What am I even doing with my life right now.

Living day by day.

Doing almost the same things over and over again.

Is that the way life is supposed to be?

I really don't know.

As a teenager I thought of having at least one child of my own until I turn 25 years old.

Well...it seems that this didn't go as planned because I am already 26.

I don't have any children on my own yet.

I mean, I do have a caring partner and also a step son but it does not feel enough. Like it can not be complete yet.

I don't feel complete yet.

[losehead]

Happy Birthday my dear. 🕯️

Another year without you.

I hope you're doing good.

Love you ♡

[losehead]

Exactly one year ago you've climed that stairs.

They say that time heals all wounds but I haven't found that time yet.

I hope you're resting easy.

Dear friend, I really miss you.

Love you.

[losehead]

Yesterday was quite a hard day for me.

My favourite discotheque has closed it's doors forever.

Sounds kind of ridiculous to feel upset because of that but it wasn't just a discotheque for me.

It was a safe space. It felt like a second home to me, surrounded with like minded, loving, supporting and caring people.

I even worked there for a while and I really enjoyed working there.

My heart is bleeding right now, knowing that it'll never be the same again.

With the discotheque a small part of my heart has gone too.

[losehead]

I'm feeling kind of empty the last days.

No joy, no sadness or anger.

I'm really feeling nothing at all.

Just like every emotion is wrapped up in a cloud made of a deep fog.

My boyfriend is worrying about me a lot and questioning the whole situation.

He tries to figure out why I don't want any physical touch or any intimacies.

Well I'm not in the mood for all these things.