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isaac (ee-zac) ⋆ he/they ⋆ 23 ⋆ venusian ♒︎ moon ⋆ ancom ☭⋆

[lostfawnblog]

about me

i studied illustration and was really into writing essays and poetry, making collage, printmaking, zines and art film, but COVID has since disabled me and i've been having a hard time making art again with my different mind and body. i'm hoping coming back to tumblr will help me find people in a similar situation and inspire me to make some art again.

i'm in greater london and would love to collaborate with any CC people trying to organize, locally or remotely, even if you just need some help with editing and designing your zine.

some of my other interests are: politics, philosophy, theology, astrology, classic novels, ero-guro, queer cinema, cozy games

[lostfawnblog]

idk how to explain that i don't like saying i "have" long covid in most circumstances because i want people to understand i don't have some special condition, COVID did this to me, viruses can disable you and nobody knows exactly why and we are so scared and in the dark.

viruses always did this to some people and we never figured out why, doctors that knew never advocated for these people and have treated us like the modern day "hysteria", it is an emergency for everone that COVID both does this in a much larger scale than other viruses and also affects EVERYONE'S immune system which then makes you more likely to end up like us.

we barely understand which viruses cause me/cfs, if COVID really causes it or if each virus can cause a different subtype of post-viral illness... it's a mess, the only thing im sure of is that women and people with endrocrine systems, neurodivergent people, especially autistic and hypermobile people are much more likely to become disabled by viruses, (autistic people are also much more likely to be trans so thats another vulnerable group).

my last hope is that neurodivergent people and/or women becoming aware of illnesses that affect them more, like endo, PMOS, autoimmune disease and post-viral chronic illness will make people wake up and get mad at all this historical neglect.

[lostfawnblog]

im more and more afraid of dying and its making me manic

i had accepted death as an option back in the first winter of being bedbound, flooded by the first times with stories of people like me passing away without a clear cause. now, in spring, comes the fear of dying without outrage, without a biopsy figuring out what killed me, of having my life ripped away from me with a vague diagnosis of heart failure or pneumonia like everybody else. even though i've struggled against death with every movement i make for years now, it would just be seen by doctors as a mistake made by a deconditioned, vulnerable. sensitive, depressed, anxious, lazy, broken and unfortunate body.

the fear of my loved ones dying has started to creep in since this last health scare too, that the women in my family all seem to have parts of my "constellation" of illnesses. all those weird things i noticed as a child, that probably gave me that health/death OCD at the time too, realizing i wasn't wrong to be scared, to feel neglected by not being dragged to a doctor for having such back pain and not being able to run like my friends as a teenager (just like my sister), it feels nice being validated by that doctor of course, but nothing about this overlap of illness is ever that easy. the moment you get the feeling they're onto something and about to give you a diagnosis that might change your life, you realize nobody knows what they're talking about in the first place, and every diagnosis is vague and simply too complicated for your GP to help, and maybe some of the words a report done by a specialist wrote, might be misinterpreted by them and pull you back to a worst position than before.

i obviously used to ask God a lot of things that won't become true, like to "live until i'm 99" seems like a joke now, maybe even a nightmare. maybe i need to ask for something smaller? Dear Goddess, please make it so if the sickest of us have to go, that in my body they will find a key that keeps my family able to be here for longer. i won't ask you not to die again, as i realize the futility in a promise like that, but i will ask for my death to have some purpose. i beg you that in the future there will be outrage and indignation tenfold of what the sick could feel for ourselves. i beg you that things will change, that one day we will survive and that everyone will know this was wrong. i beg that on the other side this is clear, and we all feel the closure and peace we so desperately deserve.

[becherdireinen]

nobody talks about how exhausting it is to live in that space between "things will get better" and "i can't handle this anymore." it's like your emotions are constantly swinging. leaving you both hopeful and defeated in the same day.

[skys-archive]

One day I will collapse to the ground, too weak and in pain to get back up. They will rush me to the hospital, where they will find every muscle and every bone is covered in a dark gunk that has somehow gone unnoticed until its reached this point. They will scrub me thoroughly, getting into every fiber of muscle and every crevice of joint and bone. They will pull out globs of the stuff and keep it far away from anyone nearby, incinerating it as soon as possible to keep it from infecting anyone else. I will spend days in recovery. They will all apologize. For never looking close enough to find the issue, for brushing it aside when I told them that I knew there was something inside of me, for letting this gunk grow inside of me for so many years. They will tell me I was right. And I will be at peace.

[lostfawnblog]

if you mock "chronically online" or unemployed people i truly think you fucking suck, besides the fact youre being an attack dog for capitalism, so many people are chronically ill right now and im sick of the fact that nobody stops to think of us.

EVEN THE LEFT, i see no camaraderie with us AT ALL! the only times we're mentioned is to mock us or say we're overreacting/being too sensitive when all we're asking for is just ANY mention or acknowledgement of our suffering.

[lostfawnblog]

im so sick of this "post-covid" shit, we're still in a fucking pandemic but all our goverments and public health organizations decided eugenics is easier than change

[lostfawnblog]

this is so blatantly eugenicist. even if 99% wasn't a huge cope, does it not affect the healthy people in any way to have friends become bedbound, chronically ill, getting cancer and heart disease? you genuinely have to beg the edgy left for basic decency and empathy when it comes to disabled people.

if you believe the pandemic ended even though the excess deaths and disability has not, just because your government told you so, do you believe the genocide in Gaza has ended too? why is it easier to acknowledge the suffering far away from you but not in the people around you?

[spooniestrong]

📷: mixedricezines on IG

[ID: a comic in dark blue on a pink background with a bunny wearing a mask, holding a smaller animal child also wearing a mask. The large text bubbles say in all caps, “keep caring ❤️” and “wear a mask.” The small text bubbles say “fight COVID!” And “fight toxic individualism!” /end ID.]

[ijustwannafallunderyrsawteeth]

has this summer felt extra brutal?

can't tolerate the heat?

I'm seeing people saying this a lot. of course, every year the climate is getting more fucked up. but it's not the only factor.

2 years ago I had such severe heat sensitivity that I couldn't spend any time outdoors in summer other than walking to my car and back to the house. it was absolutely intolerable. even in the house sometimes I'd overheat and sweat in the air conditioning. I was so red and flushed all the time. I had no idea I was reacting to my food.

it was long covid. it was pots and mcas. I was able to lay in the hammock on the porch this summer when it was 88° recently! it can get better.

some things you can try -

stay hydrated with electrolytes, not water. nuun, trioral, and lmnt are frequently recommended.

my overheating spells got significantly better when I minimized my mcas triggers. you can get a wearable, I have a vivosmart 5, which showed me that my heart rate would increase a ton and I would overheat when I ate certain foods (gluten and dairy for me). literally the food I was eating was making me so sick I couldn't go outside. mindblowing. they caused all kinds of gi issues for me too. vivosmart 5 also got me my pots diagnosis, characterized by a 30+ bpm jump when you move from laying to standing.

if you feel super sedated or like you've been poisoned after a meal, it could definitely be pots and mcas. first line treatment that helped a lot: a combo of an h1 and h2 antihistamine twice daily. h2 is pepcid. h1 is allegra, zyrtec, claritin etc. I noticed I have to rotate my h1 after a while.

if you can find a doc that'll try you on cromolyn, it's helping me a ton also and may help you.

if you feel allergic to gravity (feels like an urgent need to lay down), you can try compression clothing. abdominal compression and compression leggings can help with that feeling.

also! remember psych meds can cause heat sensitivity as well and sensitivity to getting sunburn. stay hydrated, wear sunscreen.

[lostfawnblog]

i routinely hear of people with the same neglected chronic issues as me passing away from starvation or vague complications and i genuinely dont know where to put all this anger and grief, idek how to earnestly talk to people without this weight on their minds

it's just that i dont want to be the one to tell them, i dont want to hear their reactions, i can barely take care of my own complex feelings towards my illness, im too tired and i dont want to figure it out. i just wish sharing what we're going through would be enough for healthy people to be interested and curious and try to battle this reality for us, to help us, but thats clearly not the case

[lostfawnblog]

the thing i lost that seemed to actually make me want to scream out loud. missing perverts, buying the ticket to see god and being too sick to get down the stairs. im glad that magical willow tree from my home got to see her. ill see her soon in my dreams and ask her how it was. i was always safe from whatever was going on in that house when i was running circles under that tree in my tricycle. i could never lose the safety wheels and i wonder if my mom still resents me for that. thank you for making me write, my mind isn't what it was but it makes me so happy to see you grow. i promise you you would've done better in my place, i dont pretend to deserve the cross on my neck, it just reminds me everyday She is watching and weeping my blood.

[bad-moodboard]

Stone-hewn graves at Heysham, Lancashire. Believed to be 11th Century. 

[lostfawnblog]

i always thought my fav thing about myself is how good of a friend i am and how deeply i loved my friends so its so surreal to have gotten sick and had no choice but to isolate myself and radically rest and no one has checked up on me besides my exs for the last 1/2 years.

i guess i am not that good of a friend as i thought either, it feels impossibly hard and terrifying to do it myself, to reach out first and tell them ive been sick. its hard because everyone knew something was wrong w me, i kept saying it and i feel nobody took it srsly bc im mentally ill, everyone assumes it's that or just burnout, even tho i kept trying to say this felt so different, i was clearly seeing myself stop being able to take care of myself or do anything, baseline getting worse every time i got ill, symptoms piling up.

i just wish someone had taken me srsly and told me to go to a doctor and been there for that bc its been so traumatizing and just further makes it feel impossible to tell someone and imagine theyd believe me and not just shrug it off

[lostfawnblog]

saudades, saudades, saudades

i dont want to be alone anymore, i only feel whole when i get to dream every night and see everyone from my old life

i dont know whats worse, to give up hope, or to have another heartbreak every morning, when i open my eyes, try to get up and realize im just as sick as the day before

i miss myself, i miss the worlds i used to create in my mind

i miss my friends so much, but i dont even know who i miss, because how could they all have left me behind

i miss being seen, i miss surprising others with kindness, i miss meeting new people, seeing new places

i miss taking care of people, taking care of the house, taking care of myself, making food, dreaming about which furniture id want to get

i miss having problems that weren't my health, i miss being sad, and angry and frustrated, i barely feel things anymore

whats the point? anger and resentment wont change my situation, nobody knows im stuck in this bed, i dont even feel real

all i dream of is when will people finally wake up? will they protest for us? will they care? when will doctors catch up? will they regret it and apologize? when will a treatment come out? will it all get back to normal or is there permanent damage? when will they figure this out? when will i be free and alive again? when will i exist again?

i miss myself, i miss myself so much, do they miss me too?

[lostfawnblog]

The Pandemic Exists Everywhere

"Palestinian Dr. Izzeddin Shaheen reports that he tragically witnessed the deaths of young people in Gaza who had no prior medical history and suddenly passed away due to complications from respiratory problems.

Dr. Shaheen confirms that, at the level of the Gaza Strip, all ICU beds are occupied, and most of the cases involve respiratory infections with symptoms resembling COVID, amid severe shortages of medical supplies and the ongoing Israeli blockade."

from: Quds News Network

this is the another aspect of the pandemic that i think about all the time, if it's bad for us to silently deal with post covid complications in the west, i cant imagine the pain you must feel being in this condition or taking care of someone during an active genocide.

please never give up trying to tell other leftists about this, like with any other epidemic/pandemic, we might mostly survive for now in the West but that is far from the reality for most of humanity. at some point they're going to have to listen to us.

make yourself unignorable. start masking again. if not for you, for others. even if just in public transports. don't ever be afraid that your act of love and care for your community might remind people that we still very much ARE in a pandemic.

[lostfawnblog]

Sky News:

Science:

"The UK Office for National Statistics (ONS) has calculated that there were 7.2% or 44,255 more deaths registered in the UK in 2022 based on comparison with the five-year average (excluding 2020). This persisted into 2023 with 8.6% or 28,024 more deaths registered in the first six months of the year than expected."

source: Excess mortality in England post COVID-19 pandemic: implications for secondary prevention

"In this cross-sectional study, from October 2022 to September 2023, there were an estimated 43.6 million COVID-19–associated illnesses, 10.0 million outpatient visits, 1.1 million hospitalizations, and 101 300 deaths. From October 2023 to September 2024, there were an estimated 33.0 million COVID-19–associated illnesses, 7.7 million outpatient visits, 879 100 hospitalizations, and 100 800 deaths."

source: Estimated Burden of COVID-19 Illnesses, Medical Visits, Hospitalizations, and Deaths in the US From October 2022 to September 2024

"A.) Bacterial infection-related deaths, ventilator-associated respiratory infections, Staphylococcal infection-related deaths, and Group A Streptococcus (GAS)-related deaths per 100,000 significantly increased in the US during the years after the COVID-19 pandemic. B.) Total infection-related deaths, bloodstream infection rates, and Staphylococcal infection-related deaths similarly increased in the state of Illinois after the COVID-19 pandemic."

source: Post-COVID impairment of memory T cell responses to community-acquired pathogens can be rectified by activating cellular metabolism