Seeker of Awe

My name is Joseph. I am 30 years old. In this blog I hope to recreate myself through words and pictures. To have someone read my blog and understand my heart and soul. Through it all I am still searching for what's next. I don't know what it looks like or what it'll feel like. I do know that once I have reached it I will understand it. 

[lostkanai]

Suffering is relative....Right?

Would you meet me here? Sitting alone in this room with only the lights from my keyboard standing out in the darkness of this room. I have no feelings within my chest. My heart has grown cold. My chest moves up and down without purpose. I have brought ruin upon my own life with my own choices. I am not a man but a creature. I change as I drift from light into darkness. Who is going to love me when I am no longer recognizable? I have no joy...

no joy within....forced to eat the ashes of choices. Forever drifting aimlessly on target. Look down upon me your faithless child. I did not want to  be like this. My mind has been warped since my youth. You have to hate the impostor! You have to hate me. Who am I to feel sorry for myself? But is not suffering relative to the individual? Will you see it that way? I don’t think you will....for to whom much is given much is required. I have taken your talents an not only buried them but dug them up again and use it to please my body. I am the fallen creature the lowly being covered in the slick tar of sin that drips from my dead bones. I feel no love from you because I feel no love from me. There is no hope here...there is no life here....I have trapped myself here. There is no peace for me. Hardness of heart does not dull reality of brokenness. 

Will you come for me? Do you believe in me? Do not weep for the man who passes by. He is here today but who you see is not who he is. 

[lostkanai]

Struggle

Today I struggle. I’ve been doing my goals for a long time. I started on December 10th 2018 and now it Feb 4th 2019. I have stayed away from porn since then. I have stayed focused on my goals without fail. Today it snowed so I didn’t have to go into work. I didn’t do any of my goals except for my journal. I didn’t write in my other journal because it’s here where I can put my real thoughts. I have only these last few days been feeling the urge to look at pornography. It always starts so subtle....kind of comes out of nowhere, and only builds up in intensity as the days progress. I got on my laptop tonight and for a few seconds looked at some of the channels I followed that had some sexual pictures on them. It was a struggle...but as my overall goal was to unfollow them and so I stopped glancing and unfollowed. Now I only have normal people I follow on here. Also helps tumblr won’t have adult content on here anymore.

[lostkanai]

Fight the good fight

I am at a crossroads. I sit here and suddenly have a desire to look at porn. It always hits me when it’s late at night and I’m working on my computer. I don’t want to look...but at the same time I do. My body wants to look at beautiful women, but my heart...or is it my soul doesn’t want to. I don’t want to make that choice and then spend the next few days hating myself and living in shame. I want to feel close to God I want to do whats right. I want to be different from the world. I don’t want to do as the world does. I want to be separated for God. In this moment I make the choice not to look at porn. Not because I don’t want to...but because I know that the God who created me doesn’t want me too. I want to fight the good fight for his glory.

[arjuna-vallabha]

Tombstone, Arnold Böcklin 

[lostkanai]

Dream

[lostkanai]

Rotten

My soul feels rotten....

[lostkanai]

Focus

Today I got the day started reading my bible. It’s been awhile, but I want to make an effort to start reading my bible before the day starts. I need to refocus on my faith. I need to find my faith in God in Jesus Christ. I go back to work again today from a long weekend. I want today to be different. I want to be productive, but also stayed focused on the things that matter. I would also like to blog more.

[lostkanai]

This is where I am in my mind right now....Even though outside of the darkness I have been given sooo much! But how can I break out of the darkness and find my true life outside?

[lostkanai]

A New Day

It’s another new day....I have not written here in a while, but I find myself needing to. I need a place to pour out my thoughts. It’s been too long carry them without an outlet. Carry them has only slowly started decaying my body. I just want to find myself again. I have grown so different as time has slowly progressed in my life. I don’t want to continue to grow in this life if my heart will only get harder and harder. I just wish I could completely break down the callousness in my heart and just melt it. I want to love more in this life. I want to find true fulfillment instead of the same old same old. I have been so blessed these last few years and yet my walk with Father has only become more and more distant. I need to change the way I’m approaching my life before it’s too late and I can’t turn back to Father.

[post-web]

[lostkanai]

The feeling of looking back through memories in my mind

[lostkanai]

What IS

I’ve been feeling lately very numb. I don’t seem to be in sync with who I am. I don’t feel like myself. It’s like I am locked inside this shell of flesh that the world sees, but don’t ever really see me. As I drive home from work I find myself wondering if this is all worth it. This life and all that we do doesn’t really seem like it all adds up....We work, live, love, play make love and yet none of this will ever add up. It will always be just what “is” nothing more and nothing less. How do I find fulfillment in what “is” ? I’ve indulged and have been left wanting. 

[lostkanai]

I love listening to her sing this song. Her passion is written all over her. You can almost feel her yearning to be loved. Beautiful song with some beautiful lyrics.

[vintagegeekculture]

W.C. Nyeth

[lostkanai]

This looks like something from within a dream......

[lostkanai]

[lostkanai]

If Not Now....Then When?

Today I want to be brave. I want to step outside myself and not have any fear of who I am. To allow myself to interact with others without falling apart from anxiety. Today I want to stop talking and listen more. Today I want to stop pretending, and start learning. Today I want to be different.

[fogrest]

Bertha Wegmann (1847 - 1926) “Woman Sewing in an Interior”

[lostkanai]

3 Steps Back

Go figure as soon as I felt like I’ve made some progress in intelligence, I have to be humbled again by mistakes.

[lostkanai]

9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

​ 2 Corinthians 12:9