Done with grad school. You know that Emma quote, "If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more"? If I were any less stubborn or my will less powerful, I might have fallen for it all.
My conspiracy theory is that elite institutions take in the best and brightest of the non-upper class as a form of neutralization. Not on purpose, obviously. But they entice us with (true) visions of wealth and power, with the belief that this is a form of philanthropy. They take us away from our communities and call it social mobility.
At my last job before grad school, my supervisor - the child of a teen mom who attended good public schools, then Middlebury, then Harvard - warned me that getting this degree would make me more conservative. She was half-right; the institution tried its best to make me so. It might have succeeded, if not for my earlier experiences in similar institutions that incited my deep and burning skepticism toward them.
One of my friends - the child of Chinatown workers who attended the most prestigious private school in their city on scholarship, then Yale - has shared their strong disgust for institutions like our graduate school. Both of us must admit that we have benefitted greatly from our association with them. But at what cost? My mental health was never worse than when I was in grad school; not because of the coursework but because I was constantly resisting the call of taking the easier path, taking the riches and leaving my people behind. (I also had many bitch-ass classmates who were extremely annoying, classist, and racist, while assuming they were wonderful people who could do no wrong except for earning poor grades.) For some of my friends, taking that path was a given, because they saw no other way of alleviating their families' suffering. For someone of my socioeconomic standing, this reasoning did not exist.
I've said before that I felt queasy about how women of color must pass through these types of institutions to make hypergamy work for them. I still feel that way. I think that if you are a woman of color, it is in your best interest to stay skeptical. Elite institutions look out for themselves, not for us. We may benefit off of them, but often only to the extent that we do not threaten them. I learned this the hard way at my first job, in an institution historically reserved only for college grads from the Ivy League, which I am not. I threatened them, and in the long term, I won. My supervisors' reputations were tarnished in a field where your reputation is everything. I erased that institution's name from my resume and walked away from whatever glow it could've given my name. But the price was so very steep. My time, my energy, my well-being. I wouldn't trade my win for anything, but I will not deny what it took out of me either.
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