Everything is not okay

I'd kill myself but suicide is so cliché.

[lovebitesandrazorblades]

Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk at midnight. It's about who you text nonsense to, sober from the toilet

[lovebitesandrazorblades]

“Are you there?” she whispered quietly into the phone. Pause. “Yeah.” “Say something, please.” “Say what?” he replied. “Anything. That you miss me. That you miss me like I miss you.” He inhaled quietly, “Of course. Of course I miss you. I miss you so much that it hurts me every day. ”

[lovebitesandrazorblades]

“There she was, at 4am, in your bed. You loved her then, didn’t you? She was wearing your duvet like a cape, with her head poking out. She loved you back; she really did. You said, “I don’t know what to do. I’ve never met anyone like you.” She said simply, “kiss me.” So you did. You lifted her chin and kissed her mouth and swallowed her giggles whole. You felt her sunshine fill your lungs as she wrapped her arms around your neck. You felt the duvet fall as she leant forward. “Tell me a secret,” she said. She was always saying these things. “I’ve told you everything already,“ you said. Your lips were on her neck. “Tell me a secret,” she repeated. “Okay,” you sighed, “I love you.” “Tell me a secret.“ "I’ve always loved you.”

[lovebitesandrazorblades]

"Two hours is an awfully long way to go to see someone just for fun, you know", she whispered, slowly crossing the border from consciousness to sleep. "I suppose it is, isn't it," he whispered back, "I'm not making you come though am I" he said, turning his back to her. "No, I suppose not," she sighed, turning her face away. "It's just wishful thinking, that's all this will ever really be."

[lovebitesandrazorblades]

"I have to go," he whispered, breath hot against my cheek. "Why?" Tears began to run down my cheek, "you don't have to do this, say fuck it, say forget it all, say we'll be okay" He took one last, lingering look into her eyes before turning away. "I'm so sorry, you know I'll always regret what once could've been." And with that, he was gone.

[lovebitesandrazorblades]

The last time I slept in this bed you were next to me, softly snoring with your arm draped over my stomach like a blanket. Bleary eyed and sleepy voices we would stay up until 5am talking about life, about what we loved, what we hated and why we were here. We were happy then, carefree, the future only just beginning to cross our minds. One year later and I am once again in this bed, alone this time, having been simply alone for 9 months. I don't miss you, nor am I sad that I'm alone in this bed. What I feel is simply nostalgia, the overwhelming need to have somebody, anybody. So for now I'll lie awake downing my demons in jäger and coke, that was always our favourite drink. And while I gag and cry over what once was, all I can do is hope I cross your mind once every while.

[lovebitesandrazorblades]

He’s never cared much for yellow, but the way she yelled the word, the way her smile for when she said it painted its own sunlight on her face - that because of that warmth and cheeriness he hasn’t been able to see it the same way since. And he’d never had a favourite colour, but now a new girl is sat in front of him, laughing at his jokes, her eyes, her mouth, and her spirit all at once smiling at him. “Here comes a childish question,” she says, then asks, “What’s your favourite colour?” He looks at the yellow pencil case placed on the desk in front of them, unzipped halfway, it’s content of coloured pens and mechanical pencils somewhat visible. He then remembers her soft breathing and limbs draped around his waist, but most of all he remembers her smile. “Yellow.” He tells her. “I could probably live in the colour.”

[lovebitesandrazorblades]

He turned his head away, trying to hide the tears slowly running down his cheeks, as if I would no longer find him attractive if I saw him at his weakest. He covered his face, trying to hide, resisting when I took his hands in mine and softly kissed his cheeks. Twisting our bodies together under the covers, I broke down his walls, leaving him rendered vulnerable and subdue. I wanted him the way the thunder wants the lighting. I wanted more sleepy-eyed gazes and messy sheets, I wanted more feeling his breath on the back of my neck. More tangled cuddling and cover stealing. More moans, the feeling of my nails on his back. I wanted more. More vulnerability. More of him. For the longest time, I tried to overdose on drugs. But now, I want to overdose on his sleepy kisses and soft groans. On his undeniable smirk and his infectious laugh. He is an intoxication like any other. I can never get enough.

Believe me when I say I love you

[lovebitesandrazorblades]

You always claimed we were no strings attached, even when I fucking bound myself to you all you did was cut me loose.

[lovebitesandrazorblades]

There have been many other boys since you, and not in the way you thought it would be, but they’ve all touched me in some form. Some helped me through the dark month when I could barely get out of bed and drag myself to school, others made me laugh and sing, downing shots like there was no tomorrow, others touched my skin until I could no longer remember the feeling of your lips against my neck. There have been many other memories since you, and not all of them are pleasant. There have been times when I’ve been screaming and crying on my bathroom floor with blood running in rivers down my legs, feeling as though I’d never make it back up and into bed. Theres also been the times where I’ve felt happier than I ever did when I was with you, running through the streets at night, holding hands with my best friends, too drunk to care where we were running too or who we were running from. Those are the best kind of memories, the kind you never gave to me. I don’t miss you, not in the slightest. I meant it when I said we weren’t talking anymore, you know that, right? I’ve just assumed you know about this blog now, seeing as you managed to control and follow every other aspect of my life, why not the only place where I could share how I felt in confidentiality as well? You hurt me so much, you controlled me, you manipulated me and all thats left to say is fuck you. I hope you regret leaving me almost as much as I regret finding you.

[thelastmessagereceived]

I mean it this time, I hope for your sake that you don’t miss me.

[lovebitesandrazorblades]

It's funny how many memories a scent can bring back, they all come crashing back, flooding your thoughts and overpowering your mind. You see, there's a boy on my bus that smells just like him. I sit next to him, shut my eyes and it all comes back. The summer days, spent lazing together in the sun, sand between our toes. Waking up without you, my bed soaked in your smell from all the cologne you insisted on wearing, even though no one apart from me would smell it. Getting off the train, stepping into your arms; despite being 100 miles from home, I felt like I had just arrived. There is no point wishing to be with you again, that is not what I want. I no longer miss you, you are not frequently thought about anymore. But oh god, when I sit next to the boy with black hair who smells like you, my world comes crashing down.

[lovebitesandrazorblades]

And it's not that I want to be with you again, I'd never want that, I just miss what we had before.

[lovebitesandrazorblades]

To the one who next falls in love with him, If you ever dare hurt him, he will be difficult. He will argue his case and absolutely refuse to give up until all the energy is sucked out of you and you are left on the floor feeling like there is nothing left to live for. He will tell you what to wear, when to wear it, who to talk too, who not to talk too. It will kill you on the inside if you fight it, you will be crying at 2am unable to breathe, blood running down your arms and your head resting on the toilet seat. But, if you somehow manage to not hurt him, he will be the most incredible person you'll ever have the pleasure of meeting. Talk to him at 2am when his guard is down, he will tell you about the voices he hears, his mums alcohol problem, how he has to pray yet refuses to admit he believes. Get him drunk, he will tell you how much he loves you, stroking your hair, wrapping you up and keeping you safe. Go away with him, just you and him and you will truly see him, not the image he gives to everyone else; the raw, fragile boy he is, you'll love him even more for it. He will protect you from anybody and anyone, and sometimes it may be annoying when he makes you walk the long way home but it's because he can't stand the thought of being without you, having to deal with you having come to any harm. He will insist on knowing every single detail, never get annoyed, he wants to know. Tell him every moment, every second of you day and he will love you for it. He is so focused and motivated in every single aspect of his life, he will not stop until he gets what he wants; including you. Once he has you, he won't stop though, he will continue reaching for more and more, give him everything you have and you won't regret it. He won't trust you, and I'm so so sorry about this, you can never help it. You will never be enough, he will never feel loved and you can never change this. Reading this, he sounds like the worst boyfriend you could ask for, but trust me on this; if you ever get the opportunity to even bump into him in the street, never let him go.

- the girl who loved and lost him.

[lovebitesandrazorblades]

Let’s not stop talking. That’s the only way we can keep “us”. Let’s talk when we are both tired. Let’s talk without talking. Let our eyes and our skin says it all for us. Let’s keep on talking even there’s nothing to talk about anymore. Let’s talk about life or work. If you want, we could talk about things that don’t make sense until it made sense. Let’s talk when we are excited for each other and even when we are bored to one another. Tell me everything you want me to understand and I will try to take it all in. Tell me about your starwars obsession. Tell me you like birds. I will tell you that I love clouds. But I’m scared to fly. Let’s talk until we fall asleep. And talk again in the morning when we wake up. Then laugh through it in a cup of coffee. Let’s whisper to each other our love in a cuddle weather. Then share the conversation only our heart beats could understand. Let’s talk and make me fall in love with you all over again everyday by your words and thoughts. Let’s talk when we are breaking. Or when we are falling down. Let’s keep on talking until the wrongs we might make be right. And talk until there’s nothing left anymore but to apologize. Let’s talk and save what’s ours when we are giving up. And even if we both know it's completely pointless, even if we have already given up, let’s continue talking until we try again.

[lovebitesandrazorblades]

Text me when you’re drunk tomorrow. Text me when you’ve had three beers, two shots of vodka, and a cigarette. 
Text me when you’re drunk and you don’t
know your left arm from your right but you wonder what it would be like to have my crimson lipstick all over your mouth again. 
Text me because you’re bored, because you’re curious, because you want the scent of my perfume stuck on your t-shirt one last time. 
Text me for the hell of it,because you want my sun soft fingers bending beneath your bones,because you still remember how pretty I look in parking lot light. 
Text me because one day we won’t be able to blame our youth or the alcohol. Because one day I’ll have a husband, a new number or an apartment in New York City, and we both know that once that day comes there will be more than a nine character message keeping me from crawling back into your bed to say my goodbye.

Drunk texts are the best texts. (via lovebitesandrazorblades)

[lovebitesandrazorblades]

Four months. Four months without you has been hard. I’ve written about it, I’ve talked about it, and I’ve constantly thought about it. But, I’ve finally made it. I’ve finally made it to the end of four months. It seems like yesterday I was sitting on your kitchen floor having a conversation about life, love, and how we would both achieve happiness. What I didn’t think to consider was that you were a lot of my happiness. You gave me so much happiness in such a short amount of time, and then suddenly you were gone. Yesterday I was happy and you were close enough to touch, and today I’m missing you and you’re just out of reach. Well, way out of reach, but four months has come and gone and you’re so close I can practically feel the moment you wrap your arms around me for the first time in what feels like forever. So, here’s to four months. Four months of feeling like a little piece of me of missing, but suddenly getting it back.

Happy 4 months to me. (via lovebitesandrazorblades)