I wake up to a burning sensation in my head. How late did I sleep last night? My eyes feel like they’ve swollen to three times the size, and every time I blink I feel cotton between my lids. For a second, disorientated, I forget why I have awoken like this.
The purple curtains leak the faintest amount of light. My desk on the right looks as if a storm has passed through, pages ripped up, pictures taken down… Pictures.
The pictures of John and I are laying on the floor, the trash, some ripped in half and on the desk. I remember what happened yesterday.
John and I have been together for as long as I can remember. First, our “together” meant that we were neighbours. We would spend hours in the backyard making mud pies, catching worms, or chasing each other with the tiniest water gun.
Then, our “together” meant we were best friends. When we first started going to school, we spent every moment with each other. It just felt right. We refused to let anyone in our circle, to the point where our parents got worried we weren’t socializing enough.
Finally, up until yesterday night, our “together” meant, well, together. We were dating. In love. Soulmates.
But then fights started happening. We went to different universities. Different experiences, different people, different growth. And I guess we grew apart.
The tears threaten to spill out once again, so I stare up at the ceiling and furrow my brows.
When the feeling passes, I slide off the bed and lay on the ground, the scattered pieces of pictures around me. Behind the paper thin walls, I can hear my sister, Kara, laughing with her friend. They’re having a playdate. She briefly filled me in on her school gossip the day before. A new boy named Doug or whoever. Her “soulmate”. And where was mine?
On impulse, I grab a picture off of the ground and stare at it. The picture of John and I smiling behind a sandcastle at the beach showed my soulmate. The one torn in half with us laying in bed showed my soulmate. My phone screen, decorated with doodles and stickers, showed my soulmate. But what happens when your soulmate leaves?
The picture I’ve been holding begins to swim as tears fill my vision again, and I can’t seem to hold them back any more. I feel like a part of me has been lost, and will be lost forever. Without warning, I begin to sob, gasping for air, my chest heaving and my eyes swelling shut.
There’s knocking at the door, a thousand miles away. I scream at the air to leave me alone, to let me grieve, and I curl up into a ball. How can Kara be so naive? I don’t believe in soulmates anymore.
I can’t afford to believe because, if it’s real, I would have just lost mine.
turnnoffyourmind
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2087