“And sometimes it starts with a coincidence, an awkward high school phase. You had the same lunch and a few of the same friends, and all it took was one joke, one smile, and you needed to know more. You’d seen her face around but never said a word. But then you exchange numbers in the courtyard and talk non stop for days.
Both of you have girlfriends, so neither of you suspect the other of feeling mutually connected. Yet, something is there.
‘meet me at the library.’ and it all happens then, even though nothing happened. Your lips didn’t touch, but hers did brush your forehead when finally saying goodbye after talking for hours about everything.
Now fear is starting to rise, but you’re prepared to defeat that anxiety boiling in your chest because those big brown eyes have caught you in the midst of feeling lost. She isn’t ready, though, for the feelings about to come. So when she runs, you feel broken.
A year or two passes before you talk to her again. Finally out of the previous relationship, ready to make her miss you. You had moved on, really, one hundred percent and you didn’t see anything happening.
Now you’re best friends with this girl who once brought you down, but you feel the warmth of her soul and remind yourself that she meant no harm.
She asked me to be hers. Really. Officially. Let me explain something to you about the way she made me feel.
When she said my name, my entire body was electrified. When she looked at me and smiled, my heart melted completely. When she took my hand, I believed that God may just exist.
But things can’t stay perfect, and why should they? Life isn’t meant to be fair.
She is finding you in the grass behind the shed in her yard, you have on a white crop top and black skater skirt. There are pills in your hair, all around you, empty capsules and a bottle of a pomegranate drink that’s empty and sad like your now-blue face. You hear her screaming. Begging. Grabbing at jackets in her car, crying for you to be okay. Her face is twisted in the purest form of sadness and fear. The fear you saw in high school. The fear that has been lying in wait.
‘No no no, don’t do this. Please be okay. I love you.’
You throw up a mixture of blood and empty capsules, not sure what else to do. You just want to get rid of the sadness in her eyes. Those eyes that captured you and held you close since that warm day in April.
And then it’s over. And she’s gone.
This brown eyed fantasy unveiled into a harsh reality where you can’t trust a single soul and you can’t love any other person.
You spend the first night next to her in her drivers seat, wearing her t-shirt and blasting your playlist, so unsure of when you’ll wake up from this dream. By the time her lips are on yours, you remember exactly who you fell in love with.
But I’m here to tell you, one final message from my tormented mind, sometimes you must lose the one you can not afford to lose. Sometimes you have to let yourself kiss her one final time and let it go. Sometimes the one can’t be yours. Sometimes you have to love your soulmate more than yourself.
And all the time, I will remember what she gave to me.”