I needed to talk
It’s been a long time since I used Tumblr properly. I have popped on once or twice over the last few years when I’ve remembered I had Tumblr, but now I feel the need to genuinely return;
this is a great place to just get things off your chest and feel completely unburdened, and I forgot how good it is to have such an avenue of expression. You see, I’m far too self-critical to be as open as I’d like on other social media (or to friends or family) and I end up talking myself out of it with an internal monologue that goes something like, “nobody wants to hear that”, “they have their own problems”, “you’re going to drive them away”, “they’ll get bored”, “others have it worse- they might have it worse”, “get over yourself, you’ll be fine”.
I have gotten very good at listening to the latter- at least I thought I had until I found myself sat at my computer, drinking red wine and logging into Tumblr, now an adult.
I’m not saying Tumblr is for kids, but I was a kid when it was for me- and that brings me to my ultimate point. I am regressing.
Beliefs I haven’t held for nearly 10 years are back; movies I haven’t liked for 5 years are being rewatched; habits and behaviours I haven’t exhibited for an age are being re-exhibited. I don’t know what to do.
I’m pretty good at being aware of myself and what I’m going through, and I know that this is all because I’m probably trying to rediscover the feelings of comfort I had when I wasn’t sure in myself; when I was naive and young and didn’t know all the facts; when my world was smaller and yet so much more open. Now my world is larger and I feel so much more closed in, and not just in the literal sense (because I’m shielding, and have been for over a year), but figuratively, too.
Now, I know I’m not alone, but I need to write about how i’m feeling and really get it out there.
I am an adult. I’m supposed to have my shit in order. I’m supposed to know my direction and my cause- I’m supposed to be ready and steady enough to go- but I’m not.
I’m so lost in myself, like, I believe I know myself throughout- I generally understand my own mind and why I behave the way I do- what traumas I have and all that- but for the life of me, I cannot find my direction. I don’t know who I want to be in the world, and it’s reaching the point where I’m wondering if my current direction IS me and I’m somehow fighting it, or if I have another me waiting to be rediscovered like the old films I’m watching, and if I do, why are they playing so difficult and hiding.
If there is one thing I need to be sure of, it’s who I want to be in this world and it just isn’t happening. I’m almost 27 and I don’t have my shit together the way I believe I should; the way it has been pecked into me that you should be excelling after the age of 21.
AND ONE LAST POINT: The standards that gay men feel they have to measure up to are unreal sometimes. The media has this tendency to project gay people as over-achievers and winners, people who have overcome adversity and stuck it to all the people who gave them shit. But here I am, a gay man, sat alone in front of his computer, drinking red wine at 7:30PM, pouring his complaining all over the screens of strangers.
If you’ve come this far, thanks. It’s nice to know someone else cares enough to read on. But also, I’m sorry you had to read such a depressing spiel that I’m not going to grammar check.
Thanks again. Hope you’re all doing well.
