Advice for married couples:
Oftentimes you’ll see marriages fall apart out of seemingly nowhere, with one or more of the people stating that they were ‘unhappy’. I’ve noticed a trend in these marital collapses, and a lot of the issues seem pretty easy to fix.
The key advice here is; don’t get comfortable.
That may sound strange or even backwards, shouldn’t marriage be comfortable? Shouldn’t you relax around your partner? The answer to both of those questions is yes, absolutely. When I say don’t get comfortable I mean don’t let yourself stop putting in effort over the years simply because you got the girl or snatched the man.
For men there are a few key things I’ve noticed tend to cause arguments:
Not leading the relationship
Offering solutions instead of listening
These are the main argument starters, and here’s why, they all communicate a lack of interest or a sense of complacency. For example, when your wife or girlfriend ask you to do something, and you don’t do it for months, or weeks, that communicates to her that you don’t listen, and that you aren’t dependable.
Take initiative, if you are asked to do a project, or run an errand or do a chore, don’t make her ask fifty times. Otherwise she’ll either; do it herself and resent you, hire someone else to do it and resent you, or you’ll finally do it after months and she won’t appreciate it because it was begrudging on your part. (Women are also less likely to desire sex when stressed out, if you want your wife to continue to desire sex, don’t leave her irritated because you didn’t do a simple task she asked of you- like loading the dishwasher)
When it comes to wooing, most men stop once they’ve got the girl. The romantic gestures, the compliments ,and zealous affection all usually stop. In my personally experience, this can really sour a relationship over time. It communicates to your girl that she is not worthy of wooing, that now that she’s tied to you she no longer matters.
Keep wooing her! Never stop chasing her! Women want to feel wanted and desired, compliment her, shower her with affection, occasionally bring her flowers or perform a small romantic gesture. Every woman will be different but oftentimes a heartfelt gesture, even if it’s picking up her favorite drink on your way home, can make a huge difference in her mood.
As far as leading the relationship goes, this may look different for everyone. The key here is once again, take initiative. Help with or take over decision making. I know for me personally a lot of my stress is alleviated by not having to make extra decisions on top of everything else I’m doing. It helps me to be more relaxed and bubbly. This can be big decisions, like making the final choice on a car, or it can be as small and simple as where to go for dinner or what movie to watch. Of course, you always want to take her opinions into account, but oftentimes making that final decision is really appreciated.
The last one is a key thing. It leads to frustration that often times can build and build until it boils over and an argument occurs. Instead of offering solutions when your girl is telling you about a problem, listen to her speak. Ask her if she wants a solution or a shoulder to cry/vent on.
For my ladies, here are the things I’ve noticed tend to be argument starters:
Nagging/ not being appreciative
Belittling or talking badly about your husband
Not taking pride in your appearance or only dressing up to go out with others
Not being affectionate or using sex as a weapon.
Looking at these, they might seem harsh, but these are the things that I have seen destroy relationships.
Nagging is admittedly a big problem for women, and in marriages it forms a sort of loop. The man doesn’t do a task on time or perfectly, the woman nags and needles the man, the man doesn’t want to do anything for the woman, the woman nags more and complains more, the man finally does the project to avoid nagging, the yelling usually starts her, and then the cycle resets. I’m my own personal experience I’ve noticed a huge difference in my father’s behavior since I stopped nagging and complaining. I’ll ask him to do something politely and emphasize that I need it done soon. He usually gets to it right after I ask, sometimes it doesn’t get done. When the task is complete, I say thank you and compliment him. He then is more eager to help me again. When I nag, he doesn’t want to help. My attitude changes his attitude. It’s the same for not being appreciative. If you don’t nag and you say thank you, your man will be more likely to help.
Belittling or speaking badly about your husband/partner, is something I’ve noticed is a huge issue. It only causes you to feel more resentment and be more critical. It’s also not biblical, we should always strive to be kind and respectful when speaking of our other half. Whether or not he hears you, you should never air your grievances in public for all to see. Discuss your concerns gently and kindly with your husband, and ask him to do the same. Don’t attack him or be defensive. Try to foster a safe place for open communication.
As far as appearance goes, this is the same principle as wooing. I’m not saying you can wear sweatpants or no makeup, but make sure you aren’t being a slob and only dressing up to go out with friends or to an event. I very much like mixed fashion, I go between fifties dresses and modern comfy clothes. When I first started dating my boyfriend I wore mostly dresses, always had my makeup and hair done, and generally looked nice. I noticed recently that I had begun to dress down around him, a habit I definitely don’t want to fall into. So now when he comes over after work, I make sure that my face is fresh and clean, that my outfit is nice (even if it’s casual), I’ll fix my hair, put perfume on and welcome him home. I’m not saying you should greet him at the door like a stepford wife in heels and pearls, (especially if you work as well) but it doesn’t hurt to at least freshen up and greet your spouse with a smile and a kiss. You don’t want to communicate to your husband that he isn’t important enough for your to dress up or care for your appearance.
As for sex, alot of women use sex as a weapon. If they are irritated or didn’t get their way they withhold sex for days, weeks, or months (sometimes even longer) just as the Bible says that the body of our husband is ours, the body of the wife is the husbands. Don’t withhold sex as a form of punishment, it won’t work nearly as well as your think it will.
So for my married couples (or those who are courting and want advice), that’s my two cents. A lot of these issues simply create a loop of buildup, resentment, and argument, until finally divorce occurs. Don’t let your irritation create a cycle. Work through your issues with open and honest communication.
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