ᥲzυrᥲ'm gᥲh'ᥲmᥱr

[luhnsilvars]

#luhnsilvars. An independent, slow activity roleplay blog for Veresa Dralayn, my Nerevarine character of The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind. Written by Grace, she/her, 25+. Please read rules and information before interacting. Icon by mansikka-draws!

Other blogs: @moonshadowedthief and @ruvaaklovaas

A study in: The chosen one's burden, immortality as a curse, bitter and stubborn hope, you cannot save everyone but you still have to try, giving everything and losing everything, being angry and exhausted at the world, and loving again and again despite it all.

[luhnsilvars]

Just stumbled upon another Veresa song; Sleeping in the Kitchen

Like you wouldn't even think it would be on first glance but what specifically hit me like a freight train was

“Carin' more than I show Lovin' more than you know But someday when it's over What is there to tell? I don't wanna be a tragedy A means to make amends I don't wanna be a memory A picture, happy end I don't wanna be a story Oh no no no not yet”

[your-kneeling-knight]

I am good I am good I am good — please tell me I am good. Whether kneeling or bleeding or biting, I am good, right?

Yet these hands still tremble… And the guilt will not wash clean.

[animentality]

[hymnfell]

[greelin]

[EXTREMELY HAUNTED & HOLLOW-EYED LOOK] yeah man i’m doing. Really good

[hymnfell]

[fragilepoetry]

I want love

but I don’t trust the sound it makes

when it’s leaving.

I want someone to stay

after they’ve seen the mess,

after the trembling,

after they realize I am not gentle

with my own heart.

I ache in quiet ways…

the kind that don’t ask for help,

the kind that learns to swallow need

until it tastes like shame.

When someone looks at me softly,

my chest tightens like a warning.

Kindness feels like the beginning

of something I’ll have to survive later.

I am so tired of being strong

just so no one has to carry me.

So tired of pretending

that independence doesn’t feel like

another word for abandoned.

I want to rest in someone’s certainty,

but certainty has betrayed me before.

Promises learned how to rot in my hands.

Forever learned how to disappear.

There is a part of me

that would give everything

to be loved without armor,

to be held without bracing for impact

and another part that whispers,

don’t let them close enough to ruin you.

I don’t run from love.

I stand still and hope it misses me,

then mourn it when it does.

If you ever loved me,

you would have to love

the fear too..

the way I hesitate at the door,

the way I shake when I’m chosen,

the way I don’t know how to believe

that staying is real.

I want love.

God, I want it.

I’m just afraid

it will ask me to trust it

with everything I’ve already lost.

-fragile

[mollyjames]

"Good girl" is nice and all, but someone just told me "you serve me well" and I felt neurons fire I didn't even know I had

[luhnsilvars]

Happy 24th birthday Morrowind 🫶

[theoptia]

Jean-Paul Sartre, from No Exit: And Three Other Plays; “No Exit”

Text ID: Those big tragic eyes of hers—with that martyred look...

[signedthemoon]

— isa b. this survival hasn't been soft

[luhnsilvars]

Playing Baldur's Gate 3 Blorbo Dress Up Game once again

[luhnsilvars]

Veresa definitely just sat down on the ground and started sobbing the first time she killed someone

[if-loki-was-a-fox]

The most obsession inducing trait a character can have for me is knowing somewhere in their heart That They Are A Bad Kid

[if-loki-was-a-fox]

This isn't necessarily literal. It can apply to characters who aren't children too. But there's something about characters who are either certain of the fact, or terrified of the possibility, that they are just fundamentally wrong and bad at their core

[if-loki-was-a-fox]

It is also important to me that it is not true. No one is fundamentally broken and evil.

[luhnsilvars]

One thing I know I've talked about but it's been a while, it's important to my portrayal that whether she is truly Nerevar's reincarnation or not is unknown. Veresa herself does not know, and she will never know; not that she would say that to most people during the main quest. But what IS clear is she is not Nerevar. Reincarnation or not, she is her own person with her own identity. And trying not to be, trying to be Saint Nerevar because that's who everyone needed, no one needed Veresa Dralayn; that actually really fucked with her psyche, and contributed to her having very mixed conflicting feelings around the title of nerevarine

[luhnsilvars]

I found an old drabble in my drafts, most of which I am not comfortable posting, but this segment really got to me

“-now the truth was that she was a pitiable sight to behold. Worn armor that had not been cared for in a long while, hair a complete mess that had clearly been ignored except to hack off parts that got bad enough to annoy her, the smell of alcohol noticable from across the room. Her badly scarred face wore a wild and wide eyed expression, and in the firelight cast by her sword, she looked every bit the scared little girl she was when she was forced to become a saint.”