โ ๏ธWarningsโ ๏ธ: Dark Content, Manipulation, allusions to past abuse very brief not in depth, female reader, swearing, murder, pregnancy, birth, poly relationships, smut, Cult AU, the use of lord in terms to worship, Price being referred to as Father, Slow Burn
If you or a loved one is experiencing abuse, know that there is help, and please help anyone that you know to help them escape from that abuse.
โญ๏ธAuthor's Note: The religion that the villagers follow is not defined, but it is NOT associated with Christianity, Judaism, Islam, or any other type of religion there isโญ๏ธ
Chapter 1: New Beginnings
Chapter 2: Meeting New People
Chapter 3: First Night At The Village
Chapter 4: A Rough Morning
Chapter 5: The Butcher
Chapter 6: Brisket Pot Pie and Chocolate Cake
Chapter 7: Double Sacrifice
Chapter 8: Today's Mass Is About Kindness
Chapter 9: A Breakfast at the Tavern
Chapter 10: A Forage in the Forest
Chapter 11: A Breakfast Made With Love
Chapter 12: A Triple Sacrifice Disguised as a Lesson Learned
Taglist is open comment if you would like to be added
"Welcome aboard, lass. God knows we need a new medic around here, got used to stitching ourselves-" the Scottish brogue pauses, seeing your eyes widen and cheeks pale.
"You look like you've seen a-"
A new shadow casts into the room, cold eyes refusing to soften, to welcome.
"Simon." You whisper, as if saying his name aloud was a curse and a blessing, all at once.
"Vegas." Was the reply, spoken through clenched teeth, hand raised, the band catching in the light.
You never expected a one night stand in Vegas last summer to end in a marriage in an Elvis chapel, so you ran, never looking back.
Funny how life has a way of bringing people back together. Eh?
~CW~ This story contains dark themes including murder, obsession, period-accurate discrimination, smut, and canon-typical Hazbin Hotel violence. Reader discretion is advised. ๐โ๐ป๐
This is just the intro cause apparently it won't let me post the full part so I have to do it in sections ugh, full part on ao3 (arcive of our own) under the same name "The Sweetheart Parlor"
You've been a fan of baking ever since you were little, coming from a family notorious for their bakery in the french quarter of New Orleans. you grew up above it, in a tiny little apartment with your mother, father, and brother. You had dreams, dreams to open your own cafรฉ called 'The Sweetheart Parlor'...and you did, at the ripe age of twenty, only with a little help from your parents!
It was the 1930s, you were now 26 and your cafรฉ has been the talk of the town for a few years now. Just a few months ago, one of the most liked radio host's had walked into your cafรฉ, you had actually been around seventeen went he started out on the radio, his voice had been a core part of your life since then.
When he walked into your cafรฉ and spoke, it was like life had stopped..you had never seen him in person, so you were honestly surprised when you heard the voice of your dreams coming from a black man.
Not because there was anything wrong with it..well, in this time and day of age there was something wrong with it..but for you it was quite the opposite. It was simply not what you'd imagined after years of listening to him through a radio speaker. You'd spent nearly a decade building a picture of him in your mind and none of it matched the charming gentleman now standing in your doorway.
For a moment, all you could do was stare.Then you realized you were staring.
"Miss?" he asked, amusement dancing in his voice.
Heat rushed to your face."Oh! S-Sorry, welcome to The Sweetheart Parlor! What can i do for ya?"
His grin widened.
And just like that, your life became infinitely more complicated...because in the months that went by, you guys had grew close, and you started gaining feelings, but every time he rejected you.
*The sun beamed down in the barren room as Reader sits with her back against the low wall under the window. She flips through the Bible that Michael had given her before he left, this is the second Bible she's been given by him and it wasn't until she noticed the little scribbled note in the corner in the back of the book that she realized it was the exact same Bible he had given her in Heaven*
Reader: I wonder if after I die, Michael comes back to retrieve this Bible
*Umbra purrs as he lays out in the sun, he picks his head up, tilts it then shrugs and nods*
Reader: Pfft, you're no help when you're sun nap dazed
*Umbra purrs louder as he rolls onto his back and stretches*
*Reader looks around the room somberly as most of the few items that were in here had been taken by Michael and what little was left, such as clothes and hygiene products that he has no use for in Heaven, had been pilfered by Rosalie and Alastor. Alastor has been using Michaels products for himself and she noticed his saddened looked every time he gets ready, she imagines he likes to think that Michael is there with him teaching him how to take care of his appearance like he had originally taught him as a boy. Umbra had show Reader through his drawings that Rosalie will sometimes hug Michaels clothing while she sleeps, sometimes even wearing some of his shirts as a night gown. She hopes that the cologne she had bought and left in Rosalies room, the same one that Michael used to wear all the time, brings Rosalie some comfort as she's noticed Rosalie spraying it on the clothes*
Reader: I wonder how Michael and Speaker are doing up there? They haven't visited in a while... *Smiles softly* It's funny how different yet similar they are to the them I know in the future
โ
*Heavenly light filters in to Michaels office as he sits behind his desk doing paperwork, he narrows his eyes before they snap up to the door just as Reader burst through*
Reader: Hi Michael! *Grins as she runs up to him*
Michael: *Staring at her with softening eyes as he remembers her doing this exact thing in her youth too before he shakes his head as he knows she doesn't have any memories of their time together before* Hello Y/N, what brings you here today? *Furrows his eyebrows* And how did you even get into Heaven?
Reader: Abel *Smiles innocently*
Michael: *Sets his pen down slowly* What do you mean Abel...
Reader: Uhhh, nothing? *Looks away worried that she got him in trouble*
Michael: *Sighs* So I'm assuming Abel has taken Adams place in visiting you
Reader: *Pouts and mentally apologizes to Abel* He likes to hear the stories that Adam has told me, mostly the ones where Adam talks about him
Michael: *Relaxes* I suppose that's understandable. Adam was never quite a good father figure to Abel
Reader: I mean, it's not like he really had a lot of experience being raised as a kid to base being a father off of. He did have a lot of regrets about how he raised his boys though
Michael: *Nods* It's a shame that he could never rectify those mistakes
Reader: Which is why he likes to hear the stories so he knows that Adam did care for him *Smiles softly as she walks over to open window at Michaels side* Have you ever considered being a father?
Michael: *Confused* I am a- *Clears his throat as he almost forgot that she doesn't know* I mean no, angels aren't exactly allowed to have children
Reader: *Nods* That makes sense
Speaker: *Appearing in a bright light* They can if He allows it
Michael: *Blushes* My lady! No!
Reader: *Eyes sparkling* BABY ANGEL!?! *Looks at Michael hopeful*
Speaker: My lady, yes *Narrows her eyes mischievously* I want grandbabies
Michael: *Groans as he buries his hands in his hair to cover his face* I don't even have a wife
Speaker: Hmm *Amused by the lie as she tilts her head still wondering why he hasn't married his doe yet*
Reader: There's plenty of women around *Leans on his desk as she tries to look under his hands* and you have all of eternity to find the right one
Michael: *Glares at her* Don't you have a hotel to run?
Reader: Not until four
Speaker: It's almost four, dear servant
Reader: It is?!
*Michael sighs and summons a portal for her*
Reader: Thanks! See you guys later! *Runs through the portal*
Speaker: Be safe *Smiles serenely*
Michael: *Glares softly at The Speaker* Your eavesdropping is getting worse
Speaker: *Shrugs* I can't help if I'm omnipresent
*Michael huffs as The Speaker laughs*
โ
*It's quiet in Michaels former bedroom for a bit, Umbra slowly covers his mouth*
Reader: THAT FUCKER HAD ROSALIE!! WHY DID HE SAY HE DIDN'T HAVE A WIFE!?!
*Umbra cackles as he rolls around on the floor before both of them freeze at a gentle knock at the door*
Maid: Is everything alright, miss?
Reader: *Grins sheepishly* Yes, I'm fine!
*They wait until they hear the maid walk away before Reader sighs and looks out the window*
Reader: I'm kicking his ass when we get back... *Spots a pair of mourning doves flying through the sky and smiles softly* Emily always reminded me of mourning doves
*Umbra tilts his head*
Reader: Or pigeons *Chuckles* I wonder how the sisters are holding up. I'm pretty sure Emily got hit by the beam too
โ
*It is a beautiful day in Heaven and you are a menace to the natural order*
Reader: ...
Emily: ...
Sera: ...
*All three of them stand outside the community kitchen as everything burns. Several angels are flying around to put it out*
Reader: Sorry...
Sera: *Looks down at her confused* Why are you apologizing?
Emily: Ya? *Tilts her head confused* You were just standing there
Reader: *Looks away awkwardly* No, it's because I tried to help add in the chocolate chips
Sera: *Laughs softly* Adding two cups of chocolates isn't going to start a fire Y/N
Emily: *Giggles and hugs Reader* It must have just been faulty wiring
Reader: *Raises an eyebrow* In Heaven?
Emily: ... Weeell... um...
Sera: *Rests a hand on their backs* How about we start a new batch at a different community kitchen?
Reader: *Muttering to herself as she follows the two* I'm going to be setting a lot of fires today...
~
*Seven different community kitchens had burned before the three ended up in Sera and Emilys kitchen*
Sera: This doesn't make any sense... *Steeping her fingers together as she sits at the counter watching Emily attempt another batch with extreme caution*
Reader: I told you it was my fault *Huffs as she lays on the couch to avoid the kitchen*
Emily: It's not your fault Y/N! *Smiles weakly* I'm just having an off day in the kitchen
Reader: Oh no it's entirely my fault. I'm banned from stepping into any kitchens in Hell
Sera: What? Why?
Reader: *Sighs before getting up, grabbing the fire extinguisher, and handing it to Sera. Then she walks over to a cabinet and pulls out a pot, fills it with water, and sets it on the stove. She doesn't even touch the dial before the water immediately catches fire* God nerfed me with shitty cooking skills so I wouldn't be perfect *Dramatically clenches a fist to her chest as she looks away*
*Emily and Sera stare at her astonished*
Sera: Oh... *Puts out the fire*
Emily: I thought you were just being silly *Hugs Reader* I'm sorry for laughing!
Reader: *Hugs her back with a laugh* It's not your fault, no one believes me until they experience it first hand
Sera: *Clears her throat awkwardly* On that note...
Reader: *Sighs as she shuffles out of the kitchen* Ya, I know... *Plops on the couch again* Can you tell everyone I'm sorry about the fires too?
Sera: *Smiles softly* I'll let them know *Heads off to inform everyone about the ban*
Emily: *Grins* Just sit tight! I'll make you the best cookies in the whole afterlife!
Reader: Thanks Em
โ
Reader: *Sniffles* They truly were the best cookies I have ever eaten
*Umbra growls softly*
Reader: I love you but there was no way in hell I wasn't about to eat every single last one of them before even considering bringing them to the others
*Umbra huffs and turns his back on her as Reader laughs at his little tantrum*
Brendan "the Shark" Park x fem!readerโsnippets of your lives together from your first meeting to falling in love, marriage and children.
Series Warnings: 18+ MDNI, NSFW. There will be explicit sexual content. There will be pregnancy and pregnancy symptoms. Tooth-rotting fluff but also a bit of angst because it's the spice of life. And, I mean, dad!Park the Shark...just so perfect.
A/N: The taglist is open. Just comment if you want to be added!!
I am writing this because I owe you all an explanation, but mostly because I need to step away from this space for an indefinite period of time. I won't be active on Tumblr for the foreseeable future, and I felt it was important to let you know why, as this community has been a meaningful part of my life.
On June 3rd, I lost my grandfather. To say I am devastated is an understatement. He wasn't just my grandfather; he was practically my father. He was the man who raised me, who guided me, and who gave me the foundation of who I am today. Losing him feels like losing a massive part of my soul and my heart, and the void he leaves behind is simply impossible to fill.
This heartbreak is compounded by the fact that I am still grieving my grandmother, whom I lost not too long ago, on July 4th, 2025. She was the other half of the foundation that built my world. They both raised me together, giving me a home full of love, support, and warmth. To lose both of the parental figures who meant the absolute world to me in such a short span of time, 335 days apart, is a weight that I cannot carry while trying to maintain a presence online.
Right now, I am completely overwhelmed by grief. I need to process this immense loss and focus on healing away from the screen. Navigating a world without the two people who raised me is going to take time, and I don't know whenโor ifโI will have the emotional energy to return here.
I want to apologize for my sudden disappearance and for any ongoing fics, petitions, or seconds parts that I am leaving unfinished. Please know this has nothing to do with any of you. I am deeply grateful for the time weโve shared, the laughs, and the support Iโve always found in this community.
Thank you for understanding, for your kindness, and for giving me the space to grieve. Please take care of yourselves.
Jack Abbot x Handzo!Readerโyou're Lena's adopted daughter
The Pitt men (Robby, Abbot, Park, Shen, Langdon, Jesse, and Whitaker) when you show up in their lives again...with a child that looks a lot like them.
TW: 18+ MDNI. Angst. Jack is kind of a dick. Miscommunication. Pregnancy and pregnancy symptoms. Birth. Sex. Mentions of the foster system. No descriptions except that your hair is long enough for a two year old to pull when they're sitting on your hip. And I mean ANGST.
A/N: This is Jack's part of the collection and I once again have easter eggs with the names, lmk if you spot them. Now buckle in. She's a long one. Also ran out space for dividers so sorry about that.
Tags: @lunamoonbby @lillly-ofthevalley @justreadinghere7 @thedamnqueenofhell @abbot976 @kitkatrina @a-loveunlaced @fishsticks-jellybeans @itchlbbwgirl03 @imabapical @sebby-staan @shadowysouldphilospher @kmc1989 @staygoldsquatchling02 @kinard-luca-street-deacon-chris @keepingitundercover @darknessofhell666-blog-blog
โYouโre shitting me,โ Trinity says, her voice deadpan as she looks at the stick in her hand, the two pink lines present on the small digital screen. โYou have to be shitting me. Youโreย pregnant?!โ She looks up at you in disbelief, her eyes wide and gleaming with shock and yet a sort of pleasant glee.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โIs it that surprising?โ you ask, your tone just slightly tense, just slightly offbeat, your mood high and happy and yet dark. You feel like youโre waiting for the other shoe to drop, for some bad news to arise. You feel like itโs going too well.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โNo, not really,โ she says, rolling her eyes even though the gesture is half-assed, still tinged with that shock running through those clear mahogany eyes. Those eyes that can never lie,ย haveย never been able to lie. Not to you. โYou and Jack fuck like wild rabbits so one of those times you were bound to wind up a statistic of failed contraceptives.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โSo, kind of you,โ you reply, crossing your arms as you lean back against the bathroom sink, the granite top digging into your hip while she sits on the toilet seat lid, ankles crossed over ankles.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โHave you told Mr. Fiancรฉ yet?โ she asks and you sigh, gaze flicking up to the ceiling, the white popcorn texture shadowed by the light.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โIโm waiting untilย afterย his bachelor party. Donโt really want to spoil it and suffer through Robbyโs whining all the way through to the wedding soโฆโ you trail off, looking back down at her, at the way her lips are pursed as if sheโs holding back a laugh, mirth glimmering in those eyes that you know almost as well as your own.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYou just donโt want to mess with Huckleberryโs first Vegas trip.โ You canโt help the laugh that bubbles out of you, the way that Trinity knows you so well,ย hasย always known you so well. She knows you in a way that few people doโshe knows every dark secret and thought that youโve had and have, knows every fear and every dream. She knows because sheโs been there since first year of medical schoolโeyebrow arched as always.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โHave you seen that boy? He could use someโฆexposure,โ you reply and are delighted by the way her face twists into laughter, her body folding on itself as she snorts, head bopping in only the way she has, ponytail bouncing with the force.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โWell,โ she says, regaining her composure, swallowing hard, her laughter and yours still echoing in the en suite bathroom. โYouย haveย to tell your mother at least.ย Iย am not putting up with Lena when she finds out you didnโt tell her right away. Because sheโsย vicious.โ You sigh and glance down at your feet, at the socks designed to look like ice cream cones, a gift from Vicky for Galentineโs.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โHow pissed would she be if I didnโt tell her untilย afterย the baby was born?โ you ask and the only response you get is the choked snort of your best friend as it cracks into a belly laugh, the sound rich and deep as it echoes off the walls and the bathroom tiles, the echo making it octaves louder than it truly is.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โIf you try that, youโre dead meat,โ she tells you in between laughs, the stick still in her hand.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYeah,โ you sigh again, one hand coming up and running through the strands of your hair with a violence that Robby would be proud of. โI was afraid of that.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย You watch as your mom walks into the cafรฉ, her bag over her shoulder, dark red hair pulled back in that ponytail she always has. You can see that her eyes are tired, bags under them from the lack of sleep, from the shifting of her hours for everyone else in the world but herself. But they still have that gleam in themโthe one you remember from your childhood, the one that promised fun and love and acceptance.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย You love her, your mom, Lena Handzoโthe mother whoย choseย you. You were a child abandoned by people who didnโt want you, put into the care of people who only took you in because they got paid to. You were a child who believed that they would never have anyone who chose them, whoย wantedย them. You were a child that felt like a burden and then in walked a woman with red hair and a smile that spoke when she couldnโt.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โIโve been waiting for my daughter,โย she had said, crouching down before you, hands kept to herself as if she knew the fear and hope that had been warring within you.ย โAnd I think you found me.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And you thought she was right. You were her daughterโshe chose you and you chose her. Sheย wantedย you; she loves you and she is here for you.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โHey, sweetie,โ she says now as she sinks down into the booth, her large bag moving to sit beside her, what appears like a change of clothes sticking out of the top of the old tote sheโs had since you were a kid. โWhatโs up?โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โIf I tell you whatโs up,โ you begin, pausing, measuring your words carefully, thinking as best you can, a part of you ready to just blurt it out and another knowing this needs to be done properly. โThen you canโt freak out.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โNever a good lead up, kiddo,โ she says, her eyes narrowing at you behind her black frame glasses, the size of which continues to get smaller the older she getsโshe claims itโsย an old lady thing. โBut fine. Spit it out.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โIโm pregnant,โ you tell her, laying your phone flat on the table, the screen unlocking with your face, the picture of the five tests that Trin made you take already up and there and visible for her. You can feel that tightness in your throat, that bit of anticipation as your heart rises into your throat, the muscles pulsing with every beat as you swallow, watching the way she takes in the photo.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย In the fact that is displayed on a small little screen.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย You can see when the knowledge settles on her shoulder, you can see the way she seems to melt, her shoulders sinking down and her lips quivering as they tilt upwards in a watery smile, her eyes glimmering with joy and tears behind her glasses as she looks up at you, drawing in a hard breath nasal breath, her nostrils contracting, pulled together as she flicks her gaze up and away for a moment, lips still quivering.
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โMom?โ you say, your voice cautious and tender and slightly fearful as her one lifts, shaking just slightly as she draws in another shaky breath, her hand going to rest over her mouth as a small cry escapes, echoing in the still air. โSay something, please.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โIโm soย happy!โ she cries, turning back to you completely, small tears falling from the corners of her eyes, trailing over her cheeks as she lowers her hand, taking both of yours in hers, the phone still sitting on the table. โIโm so happy for you, sweetie! Howโs Jack? He happy?โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โHe doesnโt know yet,โ you tell her, sighing, removing one hand from the warmth of her grip to run it through the strands of your hair, looking down at the stained and aged Formica tabletop. โIโm waiting until after his bachelor party. But I know heโll be happyโฆright?โ You look up at her, at your mother, finding peace in her smile as she nods, just once, the Mom kind of nod.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYes, sweetie. Heโll be happy, Iโm sure. He loves you,โ she says, her confident smile softening into a different kind of smileโthe one a mother has when she is proud for her child, happy for her child. At peace because her child has the life she deserves. Theย loveย she deserves.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYeah, he does,โ you say, a smile growing on your face at the thought of him, of Jack, yourย fiancรฉ. At the image of him just this morning getting in, wearing his scrubs and a frown which brightened to a smile as he saw you, taking you in his arms and just holding tight to you, murmuring how much he loved you over and over and over. How lucky he was.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โHave you thought of names?โ There is no waiting with your mother, she always cuts straight to the point, no dilly-dallying or hesitation.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โMom!โ you cry, sighing and rolling your eyes, wincing just a bit at the cluck of her tongue.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โI am yourย mother, doย notย roll your eyes at me,ย young lady!โ And you canโt help the laugh that comes out, bubbling up your throat before entering the air, echoing through the coffee shop. Even more so when she joins in the laughter, her hand squeezing yours as the laughter turns to tears and she walks around the table to sit beside you, pulling you against her, tight and secure just as sheโs done since you were a child.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Since she helped you beat the nightmares and the demons back with every time she saidย I love you, daughter-mine.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โThis kid is gonna knowโlove,โ you choke out around the lump of tears and mucus sitting in your throat, the one that makes it hard to breathe. โRight, Mommy?โ You can feel her arms tighten around you as you cry soft tears with her, yours falling on her shirt and hers dripping into your hair, her chin on your head, your head on her shoulder.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYes. Yes, sweetie. Your kid is gonna knowย so muchย love that theyโll beโฆjustย sickย of it. I know it, sweetie. You got so much love to give,โ she says and you give one more choked sob, a thought rising and escaping from your mouth, voiced aloud and made real. Acknowledged.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โMy kid will never have the feeling I did before you adopted meโฆthey willย alwaysโalways know theyโreโฆwanted.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โSee you in two days, Bluefire,โ Jack says, pressing a kiss against your cheek, his hand resting on the dip of your waist, warm and sure and strong. โIโm gonna miss you.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โOh, shut up,โ you tease him, your hand finding his free oneโthe one not currently on youโand giving it a short, sharp squeeze. โYouโll be back before you know it and then weโll be Mr. and Mrs. Handzo, right?โ You can feel that sharp smile growing, the one that occurs when youโre teasing, when youโre analyzing, pranking or you know something no one else does.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โIf thatโs what you want,โ he says, stepping closer, lifting your joined hands to his heart, โthen thatโs what weโll have.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โStop being so perfect!โ you tell him, your voice only slightly irritated, mostly full of joy and happiness. A kind of happiness you used to think youโd never have, the kind that the fear of never being wanted said would be impossible.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Yet here you areโyou have a mother and three best friends and a fiancรฉ. Everything you thought youโd never have when you were five years old sitting on yet another bunk bed in the tenth foster home, your things in a trash bag tucked underneath the rickety metal frame, the sounds of other kids echoing, but not in a happy way.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Here you are, building a family. One step at a time.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And who knows. Maybe after your baby is born, you can do what you always wanted to do: adopt. Save kids just like you in the same way Lena saved you.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โCanโt help it, Bluefire,โ Jack says again, leaning in and pressing a chaste kiss against your lips, yet still one that has the ability to steal the breath from your lungs at the same time that a horn sounds, long and loud and annoying.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โI think Robby has arrived,โ you tell him as he pulls away, squeezing your hand one last time as he steps back and opens the door, stepping out onto the porch, a slight hitch in his step from his new prostheticโafter his old one cracked during a SWAT mission. โHave fun!โ you call out after him, waving as he turns back to smile at you, taking a photo of you standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โI will!โ he replies, turning back around to Robby who has leaned across the passenger seat to pop open the door for Jack.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โJust notย tooย much!โ you yell out as your final note, crossing your arms, cold creeping into your body and down your spine the longer you stand on the porch.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โLove you too!โ he yells and then the door is closed and Robby backs out of the driveway, turning onto the road and towards the airport.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โThank god, theyโre finally gone!โ calls out an exasperated voice from somewhere behind you, the voice of one Victoria Javadiโyour best friend since childhood.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โWow,โ you deadpan, turning back around to face her, one eyebrow arching as you look at her and her irritated expression. โIโm so glad my fiancรฉ annoys the fuck out of you, Vicky. Makes me feel so great.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โOh, shut it, kid,โ your mom says, peeking her head out from the dining room, eyes narrowed at you in the way that only a mother has. โShe wants to get on withย yourย day.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โMy day is like, nothing because Iโmย pregnant,โ you counter, making sure to enunciate each word, clearly and cleanly for the both of them.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โThatโs why she made me bring all ofย thisย shit,โ Trin says, stepping out, her body half-behind Vicky and half-out, her hand holding a bag full of baby planning books. โHer goal is to pick your name options. Personally,โ Trin says as you sigh, walking over to them, taking the first book that she hands you, โI think you should name this baby Trinity, but Iโm just biased. Always wanted a kid named after me.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โThen have your own kid,โ Vicky counters, the sentence making it impossible to stay straight-faced and the three of you burst out laughing as your mother clucks like a worried hen.
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โAnd here I was thinking you three had grown up,โ Lena mutters and you canโt help but smile at her, the soft smile that you haveโthe one ofย daughter-mineย as she calls you.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โWe have, mother-mine,โ you tell her, watching as her irritated face softens. โWe just donโt always want to act the way weโre supposed to. Thereโs nothing wrong with staying young while you can. Iโm not a mother yet.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย The sound of the door opening was what woke you, the metallic clink of a key in a lock, a deadbolt sliding out of place, echoing through your living room, causing you to jolt to that state of conscious alertness, startled arousal.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย You had fallen asleep while watchingย 10 Things I Hate About You, one of your comfort movies. The last thing you remembered was watching Kat dance drunk on the table, yet now the TV displaysย Mona Lisa Smileย and your front door is opening, shuffled footsteps echoing in a way that makes your blood run cold.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Youโve dealt with too many patients, crying and shaking and aching in a way that will never really go away because of people who break into their homes, hurt them in not just physical ways, but the ones of the mind. The scars that never really fade, never really heal in any way that is true or tangible.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย You donโt want that and itโs why you sit up, reaching underneath the couch for the baseball bat you keep there, something that can buy you time while you get to Jackโs safe, get his gun. Youโre not going to be defenselessโif someoneโs going to hurt you, theyโre gonna have scars of their own. But as you tiptoe from the living room, through to the hall, baseball bat held aloft, ready to swing, to smash someoneโs head in if you have to, you hear it.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย The slurred words of a very drunk and very engaged man.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โBaby.โ Your shoulders dip, the tension in your body unwinding, uncoiling, set back to normal as you let the tip of the bat fall, resting against your foot as you step out into the hallway, the sight of Jack further relaxing you in only the way that he has.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โHey, Jackie,โ you call out, leaning the bat against the hall wall, walking to him, ready to take his bag from him and help him struggle up the stairs, take his leg off and put on the cream, positioning the bucket by the bed so he doesnโt have to struggle with mobility when heโs sick. โThought you were you were gonna take it easy.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โMโsorry, Diane,โ he says, voice slurred, yet eyes open wide, focused on you, seeing but not seeing because that is not your name. That is the name of a dead woman. A woman who has had his love, who hasย beenย his love. A woman who is not you.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย She was first and you are the one who comes after, but hearing her name leave his lipsโฆhear her name from him as if it wereย yoursย makes you wonder if youโre coming after her at all.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Or if youโre just a living placeholder, a Barbie doll of wives. Dress you up and make youย anyone. Dress you up and make you into the wife that was so that she can be again.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โJack,โ you whisper, your throat closing around his name, around your words as if it doesnโt want to let them out, doesnโt want to put truth to the fears. Doesnโt want to make them a reality. โIโm not Diane.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โโes, you are,โ he says, stumbling forwards, falling just slightly but youโre there, right there, to catch him, arms under his armpits, looped up and around to his shoulders, palms flat on his back and even through the pain and hurt and anger running through you, his body is still warm, still solid and comforting. โYouโre ma wife.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYeah, youโre right,โ you sigh as his head rests on your shoulder, lolling just slightly as he laughs at nothing, walking with you as you lead him up and into your bedroom, setting him upon the bed, kneeling down before him and rolling up his pantleg. โIโm your wife.โ You canโt say her name, canโt even put in your mouth, canโt feel the syllables. Not now.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Because it would feel too much like erasing yourself. So, instead you focus on removing his prosthetic, taking the ointment from the bedside table and applying it the end of his leg, right where the saddle for his leg rests, the adjustment period still ongoing, the skin rubbed red, making you wonder just how long heโs been on his feet, been drinking and dancing.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And for a minute, you wonder if there was anyone else he was calling Diane. Anyone else he mistook for her, the first woman he loved.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And the thing is, is youโre okay to be second place to her. You understand that he loved her first, that he loves her always. You like that, you like that he loves with all that he is, but that he has room for more. You just donโt want to be erased.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย You donโt want to be a Barbie doll in your own marriage. You want to be yourself. Wholly and completely.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โLove you so much, Diane,โ he murmurs, his hand coming to tangle in the strands of your hair, twining them round his fingers, watching the way they shift in the light. โOโly one Iโll ever love.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And you bite your lip at his words, the sting of tears echoing through your body as your chest constricts with the held breath, lungs burning at the sob you hold back. Because Jack is tender, yes, but never like this. Never quite like this with you and even though you understand that Diane was his first love, his always love, you thought he loved you too.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Loved you in a way that matters. But maybe you were wrongโฆ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Or maybe itโs just hormones. You are pregnant after all and everyone knows that pregnancy does wild things to people. Especially in the first trimester.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย At least, thatโs what you tell yourself as you help him into bed, not bothering to help him change his clothes because you know that when heโs drunk, heโll just fight you on it and think you want sex even though he canโt consent. So, all you do is roll his pantleg up, pinning it so that it doesnโt tangle, pull or hurt him.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And then you step back, lower lip wobbling, vision just a little blurry, a sob still sitting in the base of your throat, pressure on your lungs, on your windpipe, screaming to be let out. To be let out into the air, given weight in your reality.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย But if you hold it in, then you can pretend this isnโt really happening. You can pretend that heโs seeingย youย when he looks at you with those perfect, warm hazel eyes and notย her. The one who came before.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โWhere you going, Diane?โ Jack calls out just as you turn around, turn away, the tears slipping down your cheeks, rolling and stinging and drying you all the same.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โGottaโฆuhย getโฆcleaned up,โ you say, the words thick and filled with quiet sobs as you swallow hard around the lump in your throat, swallow hard around the sob still waiting to be released. Still waiting for the fear to be acknowledged.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โGood plan,โ you hear him murmur, the words not only slurred from alcohol but from sleep now, a fact confirmed when you glance over your shoulder, noting the way heโs dozing, half on his side, half on his back. โLove you, Di.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And thatโs when you leave, shutting the bathroom door behind you as quietly as you can, the same bathroom where just three days ago you found out you were pregnant. The same bathroom where you, Vicky and Trin ended up the day Jack left, putting on face masks and coming up with names likeย Sammyย if itโs a boy andย Margotย if itโs a girl. The same bathroom where youโve been throwing up every evening, your morning sickness actually night sickness.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย You stand at the sink, gripping the cold marble between your fingers, letting the tears fall and the sobs out, choked sounds echoing in the room. Choked sounds of not being seen. The sounds of someone still harbouring those fears of the child who thought they could never be wanted.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Who thought they didnโt deserve a family because they werenโt wanted in the one they should have had in the first place.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย The sobs you let out rip from your throat, leaving it red and raw but my no means empty, the feeling of thickness and tears, mucus and despair still there as your eyes continue to water, tears sliding down your cheeks, salt tracks in their wake, your nose following suit as you sob.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Because you thought youโd found someone who saw you, but you canโt help but wonder if he ever really saw you at all.
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Or if maybe he saw Diane all along.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย In the light of the morning sun, your fears donโt seem as heavy, donโt seem as possible. They seem like a hormonal pregnant woman overreacting, taking her childhood fears to adult ones with the snap of a finger because of one drunken moment.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย You tell yourself itโs nothing as you set about brewing a pot of coffee, popping protein Eggos into the toaster after the two pieces of toast youโve made for Jack, accompanied by the gallon jug of water and the mug of coffee. Itโs waiting at his spot for him while you take in a deep breath, plating the waffles when the toaster dings, pouring your coffee into your cup, adjusting it the way you like it and waiting for Jack to emerge.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Which he does with stumbling steps, his eyes heavy and tired as he steps forth, squinting at the bright lights of the kitchen.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โMorning, Abbot,โ you say, your voice purposefully loud, a sadistic part of you delighting in the way he flinches at the sound, his hands going to his temples, blocking out the light and noise. โHow was Vegas?โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โWhat happens in Vegas,โ he says, his voice hoarse and husky, no doubt from the vomiting at 3 AM and the off-key singing he did at midnight, โstays in Vegas.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โSo, Iโve been told,โ you tell him, nodding at his spot at the table where he sinks, groaning at the comfort of the chair, but wincing at the sight before himโthe food and hydrants. โNow, youโll eat the toast and drink the water for sure. Coffeeโs optional.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYouโre one cruel woman,โ he mutters and if it had been any other morning, you would have laughed it off, but you canโt. Not today. Not after last night when the fears only feel a little bit too much, not entirely wrong.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Not entirely false.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โI have a question for you,โ you tell him and he looks up as he takes a bite of the slightly burned toast, exactly the way he likes it, something you learned in the two years of being with him.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โShoot.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โDo you want kids?โ You know heโs hungover which is exactly why youโre asking now because heโs honest when heโs drunk and heโs honest when heโs hungover. Heโs not always honest sober.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โWhat?โ he asks, the word just slightly slurred from the toast in his mouth, the bread heโs chewing and swallowing, the path easily tracked down his throat.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYou heard me. Do you want kids?โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โNo,โ he says and the response is fast in the way that truth is, not the way that conditioned responses are. โDiane and I missed our window so why would I have any now?โ You know right then that last night was him being honest in the way he is when heโs drunk.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Just dress her up and play pretend. Youโll almost never know she wasnโt your real love.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โWhat about adoption?โ Itโs the final card. The one you know will tell you what will happen next. The ball is in his court even if he doesnโt know it yet.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โWhat?! Noโฆjustโฆleave me be! Iโm hungover. Jesus Christ.โ And you nod, standing from the table, leaving your breakfast and coffee behind, trying to act as normal as possible as you press a kiss to the top of his head as you pass and he touches your hand gently and then youโre gone, locked in the main bathroom, your phone in your hand.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And you send one text into the group chat Vicky insisted on setting up three days agoโthe one with her, Trin and your mom.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย You send just one:
I need out.
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And this is why you love them. Why they are your family even when the idea of the family you were building is crashing down around you with the idea of being Jackโs fucking Barbie.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย You love them because of many things, but mainly because they answer. Each of them. The same sentence. Just one.ย
Then we get you out.
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย To them itโs that simple: you need out. Theyโll get you fucking out. Because they love you too and itโs a love that doesnโt let you down. Itโs one that doesnโt pretend. Doesnโt play dress-up and lie and make you feel like youโre special when youโre just mannequin chosen to superimpose her image over you.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Itโs not a love that is designed to erase you.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Itโs one designed to shout your name from the rooftop. Do stupid shit for you. Makeย youย known.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย It was almost scarily easy how they got you out. Vicky made calls and your mom made calls, an immediate transfer passed, moving you to a New York City trauma centre ED, day shift. Trin showed up as soon as Jack left for a suit fitting, helping you pack you stuff up in boxes and get it out of the house, Dennis helping.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย They packed you into a U-Haul and each took three days off to help you move, to help you shift your life into a different city, different state. Different everything.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย But they left you alone enough to write your goodbye letter. The one where you told Jack everything about how you felt.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Just leaving out the baby growing within you. If he didnโt want children, he wouldnโt have one. He didnโt need to know.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Itโs not like he would want to be a part of their life anyways. And then you took your engagement ring off and placed it on top of the letter, leaving it in clear view on the dining room table. Precisely where heโd find it when he came home.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And then you got the hell out of there.ย
Dear Jack,
Iโm sorry that itโs ending like this. I want to say Iโm sorry itโs ending at all, but that would be a lie. It would be a lie because Iโm fuckingย hurt. Because you donโt see me.ย
I donโt know what you see when you look at me sober, but I know that when youโre drunk you donโt see me at all. You see Diane. I thought, at first, that that was the first time you saw her in me, but Dennis was quick to disabuse of that notion. He said it happened more than anyone would like to admit.ย
When we first met, you called me Wildfire, remember? Called me that because I was feisty and strong and smart and ready to set people right when they were wrong. And I countered you and said that I wasnโt a wildfire because I was more controlled than that. I said that I was more like the hotter parts of fire, the one you can still see. The blue flame.ย
And then you called me Bluefire.ย
And when you did, I thought that meant you saw me, but I see now, I was wrong. You saw someone strong enough to not break when you made them your Barbie. Your Build-a-Bitch. Great song by the way, recommend it. Butโฆyou saw someone similar enough to her to become her in a way.ย
And Iโm not her.ย
Iโve lived my life with this fear that Iโm not enough. That I wonโt get a family, that I donโt deserve it. That I donโt deserve to be seen. It comes from my past, from being that five-year-old whose grown up in a system designed to destroy. It comes from being abandoned by people who never wanted you in the first place but carried it through becauseย it was the right thing to do. It comes from being someone who was never chosenโฆUntil Mom, of course. But I live with that fear, even being chosen, even having that life, I still have that fear. It doesnโt go away.ย
It canโt. Itโs who I am, itโs a piece of me. I thought when I found you, that you understood. That you sawย me, your Bluefire. Dr. Handzo.ย Me. But you didnโt. You sawย her.ย
I donโt begrudge you that, Jack. I just wish Iโd known how much it would hurt to find out the way I did. Iโm sorry for what itโs worth that itโs ending like this. But I deserve someone who seesย me.ย
And you deserve to seeย someone. It wasnโt me but theyโre out there. For both of us. I know it. Thatโs another thingโyou have hope when youโve been on that bed with your stuff in a trash bag. You hope because itโs all you fucking have.
So, I hope theyโre out there for us. I hope we find them. We deserve that. And donโt worry about the wedding costs. The venue paid us back, deposits there are returned until the actual day and your suit is returnableโฆunless you want to keep it for some reason. The ring is yours. Not mine. I took all my stuff; thereโs nothing for you to do. I took care of it.ย
Good luck, Jack. I love you. I think I always willโฆmaybeโฆmaybe youโre my Diane. Who knows.ย
But goodbye.ย
Good luck. Donโt hate me, please.ย
Love,
Your Bluefire.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Jack came home to an empty house, the kind of empty that rings with the echo of a previous presence, a presence thatโs now gone. Gone completely and totally. Irreversibly. He came home to a coat room that had none of your shoes, none of your coats. A living room that was devoid of your trophies and trinkets. A kitchen that had only his plain glassware and cutlery, all your novelty or special ones were gone.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Except the ones youโd given him. Like the mug which saidย Power tools? I think you mean arms, a picture of his bicep on it, one you made and one which made you laugh when youโd given it to him. Just laughed in a way that he loved, that he wanted to see always, that had rung through him.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย He came home to a house that was empty of you. Everything of yours was gone, from the bedroom and the bathrooms and the closets. Every single thing that was yours was gone.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And that was when he found the letter. The ring. And he read it, every word, took note of every tear stain, of every place youโd written so hard that there was a hole. He took note of every emotion that must have been running through you as you wrote it. He took note of it all.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And then he lost it.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย He lost it because you were wrong. So horribly wrong. Heย didย see you, he always had. He just didnโt always know how to express that. He thought marrying you would show you, that beingย yoursย in name and body and soul showed you that. He thought that waking you every morning sayingย I love youย did that. He thought everything he was doing was showing that to you.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Only for him to find out that it didnโt.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And to find out in aย fuckingย letter. He thought he deserved a face-to-face conversation, a sit-down talk, one where you could reason through those things destroying you and him and the two of you, theย usย that you had. A talk where you could salvage what was, could see the truth.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย The truth that he loved you. That he saw you. That heโd do anything to have you understand that, to understand just how much he saw you. Just how much he loved you.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Because he does, love you that is. With all that he is, with all that can be. He felt that life had been rote, just a set of actions that had to be done, death a grand temptationโuntil you.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย You had walked into the ED on a stormy day, looking like the sun for all the world, like a blazing fire, warmth and light and life with a darker centre. A sharpness, a wildness. You had walked in and suddenly life didnโt so rote anymore.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย It seemed worthwhile for the first time in seven years, for the first time since he held Dianeโs hand as she drew her last breath, cancer having whittled her away to nothing. It seemed worthwhile because you made everything around you bright and warm and he had been cold for too long.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And now you were gone and the room was cold. The house was cold, the wholeย fuckingย world was cold and dark and he felt alone for the first time since that day three years ago when you walked in with that smile, the smile that made everything less. Everything lighter.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย He reads the letter again, the tears pouring down his face, streaming, falling onto the paper, landing on the marks that were once yours, the last joining heโll really have with you. And as he reads, he notices everything. Itโs like he can see those instances before him as if theyโre playing out before him.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย He can see those drunken moments when past and present seemed to verge into one, becoming what was there. He can see those mornings when he was hungover and snappy and irritated. He can see those moments when it seemed like he lookedย through youย and notย at you. He can see the toll his mistakes took, the way you seemed to dim.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย The way loving him took just a bit of your life away, a bit of your warmth. The way his love began to choke you, block the oxygen from your flame, slowly starving you away.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And he loses it, but not in anger. Instead, he holds your letter in one hand, the paper crumpling in his fist, the mug of his arm in the other, your laughter still ringing through the halls as he cries, tears fast and slow, hard and soft. He cries and lets the tears fall, his muscles spasming, pain shooting through the leg that was but never will be again. He cries and can feel the way his throat becomes hoarse, lungs start to burn and heart beat fast. He cries and itโs in those moments of weakness that the mug slips from his fingers and falls onto the porcelain, shattering.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย The pieces of porcelain shatter into a million pieces, some large, some small, some so tiny that he canโt even see them. Itโs then he understands.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย The relationship didnโt break loudly like the glass, it broke in little ways, a million microscopic pieces breaking off amid every small little trouble and when it broke in a big way, like the way that made you leave, there is no putting it back together.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Because youโre missing all those little pieces that you didnโt even realize were gone.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Until you try to put it back together and nothing fits quite right.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โLena! Lena, listen to me,โ Jack yells, his voice echoing and cracking in his house, the house still ringing with your absence. โI need to talk to her!ย Lena!โ He can feel that rage building in him, the helpless kind. The kind that chokes and kills and injures the one who feels it because it just seems to shut you down.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โListen to me, Jack Abbot,โ Lena says, her voice calm and low, quiet in an eerie, dangerous way. โI will beย nothingย but civil to you at work, but if you ask me aboutย my daughterย again, Iย willย be going Mama Bear on you and youย do notย want to see my claws.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And then the line goes dead and he pulls the phone from his ear, looking at his lockscreen, at the photo of you that you didnโt know he had taken. A photo of you standing at the nurseโs station, caught midlaugh, looking for all the world like the sun.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย His sun.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย The light he took for granted never thinking it would be gone.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โHi, Diane,โ Jack whispers as he maneuvers himself to the ground, crossing his one leg, stretching out his prosthetic, taking it as he sits before the gravestone Diane had picked out during her hospice days. A simple arch, her name inscribed with her favourite quoteโAll the worldโs a stage and all the men and women merely players; they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his act being seven ages.
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย He had wanted something better, something that seemed more her, but she had fought him on it, asking him what was more of an English teacher than a Shakespeare quote. And he had said nothing because it was her grave, her death. Her remembrance.ย ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย You had said once that you wanted twin graves with whoever you loved. You said you wanted them like J.R.R and Edith Tolkien, the character inscriptions they had. You said you wanted people to know that in your life, you had love. The kind that lasts. The kind that heals. The kind that defies all odds. And then you had laughed, said that was impossible, just the ramblings of a hopeless romantic.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย He had told you he loved you then. And then he had kissed you, the first kiss you two had shared, one sweet and unsure and unsteady, yet all the more perfect. One that tasted like the raspberry on your tongue.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย A kiss he could still taste now.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โI know Iโve been gone a bit. Iโve been busyโฆplanning my wedding that is nowย off. Remember when we were planning ours? How we decided it was too much hassle and just had a courthouse wedding? You wore a pantsuit and we didnโt even have our parents thereโฆthey were so pissed but weโฆwe were happy. I remember that most of all. How you had laughedโฆhow you smiled. I thought I was the luckiest guy in the world to have you smile at me like that. And I still do. I was lucky that I got to love youโฆbut I donโt love you like I did then.
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โI fucked up, Di. I fucked up the relationship I had, theย loveย I had because I feel guilty. I feel like I shouldnโt feel as much love for her as I do because of youโฆbecauseโฆI had a love, you know?...I donโt want toโฆto makeย this, us, nothing, you know? But because of that guilt, Iโve fucked up a relationship that means everything to me.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โI feel guilty even saying that, but DiโฆI love her in a way I never loved you. I loved you like my equal, like my partner and I love her like sheโs everything. And yetโฆyet I fucked it up because I felt so wrong for it, because I held onto you. I meanโฆfuck, I still have your ring around my neck on a chain. And sheโฆshe didnโt even care. She used to say she understood that you had been first, so of course Iโd always love you.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โSheโs fuckingย everythingย and I broke her heart because I couldnโt justย talkย to her. I lost her because I couldnโt communicate. I couldnโt tell her that I felt like I was betraying you or making our relationshipโฆless. I broke her heart and yet she did everything she could to make her leaving even easier on me. How perfect is she, honestly? She seems impossible, like a dream but I know sheโs real. I know sheโs real because somehow she feels realer than anything in my life before.
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โAnd I fucked it up. Andย godโฆDianeโฆI donโt know what to do! Thatโsโฆthatโs what I wish you were hereย forโฆso you couldย tell meย what to do. How to fix itโฆbecause I thinkโฆmaybe, I canโt. I wish you were hereโฆnot toย love youthis timeโฆbut just so you couldย tellย meย what the hellย toย do! To do to get herย back! Because DianeโฆI love her. So much. Impossibly much. And all I want is her back and I know one thing you would tell me to do soโฆI think itโs time, Diane.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โI think itโs time you have your ring back,โ he finishes, the tears still pouring down his face, hot and heavy and drying as he removes the chain from around his neck, the one where heโs had Dianeโs wedding ring resting since sheโs been gone, that last bit heโs been unable to give up.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย He digs into the ground before her gravestone, just deep enough that he can bury it again, laying the woven sterling silver band down and covering it with the dirt, a single red rose laid over to cover it.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And then he pulls your engagement ring from his pocket, slipping it onto the chain and clasping it around his neck.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โBye Diane,โ he says and then he rises, brushing the dirt from his knees, tucking the chain beneath his shirt and walking off, holding tight to the last piece of you.
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย He just wishes he didnโt have to lose you to realize how much he loves you.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย New York is a lot.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Itโs big and busy and crowded and yet empty at the same time. Itโs quiet and itโs noisy and it never sleeps yet is in bed by nine oโclock. Itโs restless and reckless and yet overly cautious. And you love it.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย You feel alive in a way you didnโt back in Pittsburgh. You feel alive because youโreย home.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โI still canโt believe Lena never sold this place,โ Vicky says, her hands trailing over the wall, her fingers marking every notch your mom made your first two years as her daughter when the two of you livedย here, in this house. The notches of your height, your childhood playroom still filled with your toys and the photo albums of your childhood where every awkward phase is perfectly captured.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โMom says itโs too special. It was her parentโs and now hers andโฆshe wants it to be mine one day,โ you reply, turning, two glasses of iced water held tight in your hand, perspiration slicking against your skin. โAnd Iโm glad. I love this place.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โItโs home, right?โ Victoria asks, her voice softer than normal. Delicate and fragile in a way she hasnโt been in a year. Not since Pitt Fest.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYeah,โ you whisper, looking around the room, taking in every inch of the kitchen. The kitchen where your first full day as a Handzo had taken place, your mom asking you if you wanted to help her bake some cookies.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย You had never been asked that before. Youโd never had homemade cookies, period.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โWhy?โ Vicky asks you, her voice still fragile but with an undercurrent of anger in it. As if sheโs angry that you donโt consider the place you really grew up, grew up withย her, home.
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โBecause this was the first place I had a family,โ you tell her and you can see the way she softens, that small, delicate smile blooming as she takes one glass from you, her fingers brushing yours in a tender, familial way. โPittsburgh was just the place where it got bigger.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โAnd New York is where youโre expanding it again,โ she says and you canโt help the soft smile that blooms on your face as you look down at your stomach, the one just barely showing now at the three-month mark, your hand coming to rest on it, rubbing a small circle on the bump where your child grows.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYeah, it is. In the same place it started.โ And you feel that lump in your throat, the one thatโs never far away these days because you miss Jack. You miss the way he held you, his grip firm and soft at the same time, comforting and steady. Guiding when you felt like you were lost.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย But guiding you to what?
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โHowโs the ED here?โ Vicky says, her voice enough to draw you from the slight image forming of Jack, his smile and the way his eyes though always tired seemed to gleam.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โPretty good,โ you tell her. โWe getย wayย more traumas through. Likeโฆa lot. Maybe not like more, but a decent amount. And the other residents are awesome. Not like myย Pittlingsย butโฆtheyโre pretty damn nice.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โJust donโt go replacing us, alright? Trin will kill you if she loses her godmother status to one of the New Yorkers,โ Vicky says and you sigh, lifting the sweating glass to your lips and taking a swallow, the feeling of the ice water easily tracked as it slides down your throat, cooling your insides, causing a shiver to run through you.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYou guys are myย family,โ you tell her. โTheyโre just my friends.โ And thereโs nothing else you need to say because Vicky gets it. She always has, since the day you met her in the PTMC daycareโa crying two-year-old that exasperated the daycare attendants. The crying two-year-old that stopped when you cared for her.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย The now twenty-one-year-old who still needs your shoulder when she cries. The sister you chose, the sister who chose youโwhose shoulder is there for you.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Trinity gets it too. She gets it because she was the twenty-two-year-old M2 you ran into when you were late your first day who told youย chill, Iโll get you where you need to go, kiddo. The older sister who justย knewย that you needed someone to look out for you, the way you look out for everyone else.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And Dennis, sweet little Dennis, understands too. Because he is your brother, the one you call your twin. The boy who asked you for your number after your first class together first day of med school and then blushed so furiously when he realized it seemed he was asking you out and he clarified that he needed a friend.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And you took him under your wing. How could you not?
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย They understand because they know that family is not the blood, but rather the ties that bind and the four of you are so tightly woven that there is no untangling.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Youโre bound for life. A family.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โTake a break, Jesus,โ Antony cries out, his face twisted in exhaustion as he bends at the waist, hands on his knees, sucking in a deep breath. โHow do you just keep moving?! Youโreย pregnant!โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โAs if I donโt fucking know, Ant,โ you reply, one hand on your lower back, the other on your stomach, the weight of your bump growing heavier and heavier as the weeks go by. Itโs one thing to objectively know that babies grow fast and grow heavy, but itโs another thing to experience it.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โJust saying!โ he retorts, his eyes twinkling as he rises, his lips curving into a mischievous smile, one that you recognize as trouble. Youโve found that four months is enough to learn the language of someoneโs smile. Especially someone as easy to read as Antony.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โWhatโs your aim here?โ you ask him, taking the iPad that Charge Nurse Ava hands you, her head jerking in the direction of Central 2.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โI need someone to come with me to the gay bar on third! Just so I know if the guy Iโm meeting with is going to kill me or not, prettyย please,โ he says and you glance at the iPad, taking note of the caseโbowel issueโand back at him.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โTake this case for me and weโre good,โ you tell him, giving him a sweet smile, one thatโs saccharine with how sweet yet he doesnโt notice, simply takes it from you, mouthingย thank youย until he takes note of the chart.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โShit,โ he hisses, looking back up at you and shaking his head. โIโm never falling for that again.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โToo late.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Jack doesnโt even take notice of the sunset as he steps into the hospital, backpack over his shoulder. He doesnโt say hi to Robby or Dana or any of the Pittlings. He doesnโt do his old Nightcrawler chant. He doesnโt do anything he used to do.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Because the world is dark and cold and you are gone. Four months. Four months without your warmth, but he will go a lifetime without it so long as he can hold onto that little bit of hope inside of him.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย The hope that you come back and he can win you over again.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โJesus, Trin,โ you hiss as you open the door, exposing her standing there on your porch, laden down with a bright blue bag so full that baby things are peeking around the zipper. โWhat the hell is all this?โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYouโre having a boy,โ she says, pushing past you, mindful of your five-month bump. โWhich means we need to begin planning how to make him aย goodย guyย now. And I have to be theย bestย aunt which means if I have toย physicallyย fight Crash, I will.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYou sure are dedicated,โ you tell her as you shut the door, locking it and sliding the deadbolt into place along with the safety chain and the special snib lock. โBut you know Iโm alright, right?โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย She looks back at you, one eyebrow arched and lips pursed in that expression she has that calls bullshit, but you can see the slight wobble in her lip and the sadness in her eyes. This isnโt about your son; this isnโt about being the best aunt.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย This about you being gone.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โCome here, Trin,โ you whisper, opening your arms wide and she doesnโt hesitate, just runs and wraps her arms aroundย you, the only person she can be tender with, the person who knows all her scars and loves her not despite them, butย becauseย of themโbecause theyโre a piece of her.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โI justย fucking miss you,โ she cries, her body hiccupping with sobs as she holds tight to you, her tears soaking into your graphic tee.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โI miss you too. So much.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โMother,โ you say, tone stern as Lena falls quiet. โI am fine. Please do not transfer up to New York. I am handling pregnancy quite well on my own.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โIโm taking two months sabbatical for your birth though. Non-negotiable. I will be there for you to break every bone in my hand. I will be there so youโre not alone, okay? You need someone and Iโm not missing this, sweetie,โ she says and you feel like crying because how did you get so lucky to get a mother like this.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โDeal,โ you whisper around the lump in your throat. โI donโt want to be alone for it.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โAnd you wonโt be.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย What can Jack say about his life?
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Itโs empty and itโs lonely and itโs cold. Itโs dark and itโs cramped and itโs horrible because youโre not in it.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Heโs realized these past seven months that he hadnโt seen you. Not really. Because he missed all the little things. All the small things you did that seemed to brighten a room. That seemed to warm it from the inside out. That seemed to fix it.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย He realized that heโs only seen the outside part of you. The curated sunshine for everyoneโs benefit. But as he overhears Santos and Javadi and Whittaker talking aboutย you, about what theyโve done withย youย in New York, he realizes that he missed seeing a whole version of you.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย He didnโt see you when he had you.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Heโs only seen you now that youโre gone.
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โMOM!โ you cry, your gaze locked on the puddle underneath you, the one glimmering in the lights, the one thatโs sticky on your legs, caused by that contraction. โMOM!โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โWhatโs wrong, sweetie?โ she cries, bursting into your room, her hair coming loose from her ponytail as she takes in the puddle, in you and she just nods. โOkay.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And then she guides you to the car, grabs your go-bag and drives you to the hospital, guiding you into the wheelchair, wheeling you up to the maternity floor herself.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Sheโs there when they get you in a bed. Sheโs there as the contractions grow closer and closer. Sheโs there as they rip through you, her hand in yours, voice calm as she tells you that youโre wonderful and perfect and she loves you and sheโs there.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Sheโs there as the doctor guides you through the birth. Sheโs there as you push your baby into the world. Sheโs there as you hear his first strangled cry. Sheโs there as they cut the umbilical cord. Sheโs there as you hold your son for the first time. Sheโs there for it all.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Because youโre her daughter.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Where else would she be but with you?
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Even when the only person you want beside you is the person who broke your heart in the first place, the person with those steady hazel eyes and the smile of a thousand stories.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย You want Jack.
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โSammy,โ you whisper, lifting the bundled baby from his crib, his cries ripping through the still air of your house, where just you and him live. โSammy, bud, Mommyโs here. Mommyโs not going anywhere.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Itโs while you cradle him to your chest, his cries softening as you rock him and hold him and sing to him that you wish Jack were here, not for the first time, just behind you, his hand on your shoulder and the other on Sammyโs head as he whispersย calm down, bub. Weโre not going anywhere.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โHeโs a little terror,โ you tell Dennis as you lean back against the couch, your feet on Trinityโs lap, Vicky in the kitchen while Dennis plays with Sammy on the floor, race cars zooming around your chubby little son.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โHeโs an angel,โ Dennis countersโprecisely as Sammy runs the car over his little toy with shocking force. Enough that Dennis cries out. โMaybeโฆaย fallenย angel.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYouโre not a normal aunt; youโre a cool aunt!โ Vicky calls out as she steps into the room, Jonesโ sodas held in her hands as she passes out the flavours, the four of you cracking them open and reading the fortunes in the lid while Sammy giggles at his race cars.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โโYou will grow to love yourselfโ,โ Trin says, snorting as she takes a swig of the cream soda. โI already did.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โโTake joy in the small momentsโ,โ Dennis reads and he screws the lid back on, setting the bottle aside as he lifts Sammy up and onto his lap, looking over you and Trin and Vicky. โI think I am.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โโUnderstand that you are youโ,โ Vicky says and she sighs, leaning back in the recliner, smiling at the three of you. โI understand.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And you look at your fortune, heart stuttering just a bit at the words. โโRemember that perceptions in love matter. Not everyone sees it all the sameโ.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And you canโt help but think of Jack.
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Jack loves you.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Thatโs all he really knows these days. These years that you have been gone. He loves you, every bit of you, every scrap of an update that he over hears. Every piece that he remembers.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Every piece that was.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย He just loves you.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And heโll do anything to get you back.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย The email sits before you, the job offer to be an attending back in Pittsburgh. Back in the PTMC at the ED. The place youโve wanted to work since you arrived there with your mother all those years ago, your things in cardboard boxes in a professional moving truck, objects thatย belongedย to you and not just clothes that you needed.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โWhat do you say, bud?โ you ask your little boy, now turned two. โShould we moveโฆhome?โ And when he claps twice and giggles you take it as a sign.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย You accept it.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โDonโt worry about hand-offs this morning, kid,โ Robby says, his voice familiar to you, the only ex of your motherโs that ever actually cared for you. โI know you donโt wanna see him.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โRobs,โ you sigh, looking away out your window, the house you share with your mother since she insisted you needed help watching Sammy even as youโve managed on your own in New York. โIโll have to see him eventually.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โBut you donโt have to on your first day back,โ he counters and you canโt argue with him, simply shrug and look down at your interlaced hands, the baby monitor not far away as Sammy snoozes.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โOkay,โ you say and then Robby is there, pulling you into a hug, one thatโs strong and steady and reminds you of when you were ten and your mom had already been divorced twice and she was dating Robby and heย understood.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย He understood that you and Lena were a unit, that no one came before you for her because you were her child. And he put you first.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And now, as you return the hug with the first man whose been like a father to you, you wonder if he still is.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โJesus,โ you hiss, rolling your shoulders, the muscles aching from the day youโve had. The day of rolling people and doing chest compressions and working within the small budget. โNew York had way more tools.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โOnly because you were at that fancy one,โ Dennis reminds you and you canโt help but stick your tongue out at him as you lean against the counter, the two of you the attendings for the day, Trin off and Javadi still in residency.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย She chose the ED when she had a pregnancy case. She told you she couldnโt stop wondering what if that had been you? Someone needs to be there for them. And she can be that.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โThe fancy one was wonderful andย god, I miss it,โ you reply as you lean against the nurseโs station, observing the chaos of the Pitt, the day shift. โIโd be home by now with Sammy there.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โCan you shut up about New York?โ he asks you and you look over at him, one eyebrow arched as you take in his appearance, the pinched expression and the sad gleam in his eyes. You know that New York didnโt just save you from seeing Jack, it also hurt the people that you love because you were always there and then suddenly you werenโt.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โNo,โ you tell him, sliding along the station to be right beside him, your arm up against his as you look at him, your brother for all intents and purposes, the one you can call at 3AM because youโre freaking out about a baby temperature. โBecause it happened. I lived there, I worked there and Iโm only just back, but Denโฆthis place is home.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โGlad to hear that kiddo,โ you hear Dana say and you glance over your shoulder, taking in your auntโDana Evans ne Handzo, one of three daughters.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โI literally told you that yesterday, Auntie,โ you reply and all she does is let out that laugh of hers, the husky smoker one as she steps around to stand in front of you and Dennis, her lips curved up in that smile she has, the one that saysย I love you, you annoying bastards.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โItโs nice to hear it though,โ Dennis whispers and then you can feel his arm around your shoulder and you lean into him, your head resting on his chest as you sigh just slightly, looking up at the display board, the time 7:00 PM and the names of patients in their bays.
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โJust tell me when you need to hear it,โ you whisper and the squeeze on your upper arm from his hand tells you that he understands. โNow, where theย hellย is the night shift?โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โBehind you, bitch.โ You can feel a smile grow on your face, the one that you try to suppress but canโt, the full expression their as you take in the sight of Parker, their face twisted into faux-outrage, but really just happiness.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โNice to see you too, Ellis,โ you reply, crossing your arms over your chest and raising your brows as they drop their bag and step to you, arms open wide. In a gesture you return, the embrace calm and steady and everything youโd missed.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โMissed you,โ they say into your hair and all you do is squeeze them in reply. Because you donโt think you can reply, you donโt think you can speak around that lump in your throat, the one thatโs hard and salty like the tears that burn your eyes.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โSave some of that for me!โ calls the voice of one John Shen. You pull back from Ellis and shake your head at him, before lifting one arm and gesturing him over, wrapping him in a hug, one that he returns with vigor, lifting you up and spinning you around. An overly flamboyant gesture for someone normally so reserved and chill.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โJeez,โ you say, your voice tight, just slightly choked around the lump in your throat, โyou guys are gonna make me feel all special if you keep it up.โ And when you pull back from John, you can see his face has shuttered into that serious expression he has.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYou are,โ he says and those words themselves are almost enough to bring you to your knees, but you simply smile a watery kind of smile, waving your hand, washing away his statement. Ignoring it even as it rings through your bones and your heart.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โDeliver for Attending Physician Handzo,โ calls out the familiar voice of your mother and you turn, taking in the sight of her holding the hand of a very small and chubby toddler with auburn curls and hazel eyes.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โThanks, Mom,โ you tell her, drawing in a sharp, nasally breath, blinking past the tears that have gathered in your eyes, instead waking to her and scooping Sammy up into your arms. โHey, buddy. You ready to go home with Mommy?โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYeah,โ he says, his voice high-pitched in that frail toddler way, the kind of way that is soon to be gone, grown out of, just like everything else. Because someday he will grow up to be a boy. A boy who needs guidance to become a man. A boy will know the rights and wrongs, the struggles of the people that are not him. A boy you have to guide to become aย goodย man.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โThen I shall leave the handoffs in Uncle Dennyโs hands, right?โ you ask him, wincing just slightly as his small, chubby hands find your hair, tugging on the strands with a force thatโs all new of his terrible twos.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYeah!โ he cries, one hand tugging on a strand with particular force as the other waves in the air, excited and fast.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย It was then you heard the strangled sound, the kind that was deep and yet high at the same time. The sound of a man who has seen the most shocking thing, the most beautiful, the most miraculous and youย knew. You knew it was Jack because you felt it in your bones, in your heart, in your mind.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย It was like you had some sensor for him. Like you were attune to him.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย You donโt know why you turn, only that you do and the sight is enough to knock the breath from your lungs because he looksย awful. He looks like a man devoid of purpose, a man who is living life like a machine, doing this and doing that and not getting anything from it. Just doing it because itโs whatโs supposed to be done.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย A glint of light on his chest draws your eye down, your gaze snagged by the ring around the chain where Dianeโs wedding ring always satโwhere the engagement ring you left behind now sits, his hand drifting up to clutch at it as he looks at you and the baby on your hip.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย The baby who looks a lot like him.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โBluefire?โ he whispers and even if the entire ED hadnโt fallen quiet, you would have heard him. Would have heard him ten thousand miles away because you still love him. You werenโt lying when you wrote that he was your Diane. He is the first man you ever lovedโfirstย personโand the first who broke your heart in totality.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย But he is still the man who helped you fix the pieces of yourself that you thought were broken when you first met.
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And he is still the father of your child.
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โHi, Jack,โ you whisper, your voice barely audible, but from the way his face brightens, the way a gleam comes into his eyes, you know heโs the same as you.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย He would hear you from ten thousand miles away.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Heโll always hear you.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Life has been rote, nothing and empty, just a house that echoes with your ghost, your image everywhere doing a million different things. He could see you in the living room, your legs thrown over the top of the couch, your head on the floor as you watch TV upside down. He could see you smiling at him from the chair in the den you turned into a library, knees up and textbook resting between them. He could see you in the kitchen making cookies, the recipe one of Lenaโs, the first ones youโd ever made.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย The first ones youโd ever had.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย He could see you doing face masks in the bathroom, gesturing him over, trying to put one on him. He could see you with your gym bag, leaving the house and coming back, sweaty and tired but smiling. He could see you lying in bed, trying to meditate but really only sleeping.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And in all of those, there was always a hint of your smile, of your joy. Of your happiness. The smile that has been missing from his life for three years.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Three painful years.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Three years of watching your ghosts spin around his house. Three years of holding onto your hygiene products just to lift them up to smell them, hoping to capture your scent, but always missing that essential partโyou. Three years of holding onto your engagement ring every time he missed you, wanted you, felt pain or anything at all. Three years of writing you a thousand letters that he had no way of ever getting to you. Three years of mourning you as if youโd died because in many ways, you had.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย He was dead to you and so, in a way, you made yourself a living ghost in his life.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย One that haunts him every day, so much that when he stepped into the ED and saw you lift a toddler up and place him on your hip, he thought he was hallucinating.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Seeing what he wanted. The future he had dreamed of, but thought was impossible. Something he didnโt get to have, something he didnโt deserve.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย The guilt over moving on didnโt just apply to you but to that family he never got to build with Diane and seeing you now, with a baby, one with his auburn curls and his hazel eyes and his nose sends that shockwave through him.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย The one that says that what he is seeing is a miracle. The one that says that what he is seeing is real in a way that nothing ever really has been. The one that says you need to grab hold of them, hold fast and protect them.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Donโt fuck this up again.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โBye Jack,โ you say and then heโs seeing you turn and begin to walk away, the baby babbling away, tugging on strands of your beautiful, perfect hair.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And heโs frozen, every muscle rigid.
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And he just lets you walk away. Because what else can he do?
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Seeing Jack hurt you. It felt like being stabbed in the gut over and over again destroyed over and over, your heart stomped on again and again and again.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย It hurt you like nothing has beforeโnot because the hurt of not being seen is still as strong, but because it felt like he did see you.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย But only once you were gone.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โMom watches Sammy while Iโm work, you know this, Trin,โ you tell her, the two of you walking in tandem towards the incoming trauma, the two of you running the Pitt as efficiently as possible, waiting for traumas as they were called.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYeah,ย but,โ she says as the two of you pull on over-scrubs and gloves, glasses firmly in place. โYou, Huckleberry and I never all work on the same daysโฆThis means that at least one of us is always available to watch Sammy. It would give your mom time to rest and me more time toโฆeducate your son.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โHeโs two,โ you say, your tone deadpan and flat. โHe doesnโt need his feminism education yet.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โItโs never too early to start,โ she counters and you sigh, turning to her and fixing her with a glare, one that causes her to wince.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โWhen he can understand the words needed for aย basicย feminism education,ย fine. But heโsย two. Heย cannotย yet understand it; itโs enough that his bedtime story isย Gender Trouble, okay?โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โWho the fuck picked that?โ she asks you as the EMTs arrive, wheeling the gurney holding the SWAT officer, blood dripping from him to the floor.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYou did,โ you tell her as the two of you rush to assist the EMTs, the team awaiting in the trauma prepared, transferring him to the table and starting work on his two GSWs.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย But what catches your attention is not the body before you but the man behind you, the one you caught a glimpse of in the glass, arms crossed, biceps bulging against his SWAT uniform, worry etched in every line of his face.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โGet him up to surgery!โ you say, the resident whose name you havenโt yet learned and the new med student nod, assisting the surgical transport team as you peel the gloves from your hands and the over-scrub, dumping them and stepping out, your safety glasses coming off, tucked back into the breast pocket of your scrubs.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โWe need to talk.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย The words youโve been dreading since you came back, since you first saw Jack. Since you started avoiding him, successfully for two weeks. The words that tell you that maybe you did fuck up by just leaving.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย By not telling him that you were pregnant and giving him the opportunity to tell you the truth. By not giving him the truth.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย The words still ring through you as you follow Jack to the on-call room, mind just slightly hazy as he closes the door, locking it, preventing any nosy Pittling (Trinity) from getting in and disturbing this.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Because this is the moment you need to tell him. It doesnโt matter how he looks at you, what he says or does or how he reacts. It doesnโt fucking matter because he deserves to know. And he deserves the chance to say heย wantsย to be part of his sonโs life.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And he deserves to know that he just canโt be a part ofย yours.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Because no matter how much you love him, you canโt go back to being someone who isnโt seen.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โJackโฆโ you whisper, but you donโt even get a full sentence out before you begin to cry, breath hiccupping as the tears fall fast and furious down your cheeks. And then heโs there, his arms around you in that grip that is steady and safe and warm. His arms locked tight around you as he holds you upright as you cry, your tears soaking his scrubs, knees buckling as every sob becomes harder and larger and more painful.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โShh,โ he whispers, one hand moving up and down your back in that rhythm heโs always had that calms you, rights you and tells you all will be well. The rhythm youโve missed in your time apart. โItโs okay. I understand.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โBut Jack,โ you cry, pulling away from him, away from his touch, your arms going around yourself, holding tight to your abdomen as if itโs the only thing holding you together. As if you remove your arms, youโll fall apart, all those loose pieces spilling and breaking even more. โYouโฆyou have aโson.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โI figured,โ he says, his voice steady and soft in that way he has to comfort, never judge. โHe looks like me.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โHeโฆh-he reallyย fuckingย does, doesnโt he?โ you cry, your breaths still hiccupping and frail and fragile. You feel breakable in this moment, more than you did three years ago when you left him. When you chose yourself.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYeah. Minute I saw the hair, I had a guess,โ he says and you can feel your knees buckle, give way and you sink down onto the couch, your head falling into your hands, elbows digging into your thighs.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โJesus Christ,โ you mutter, your mind running so fast that thereโs a ringing in your ears and the world is blurry as your vision tilts and skews. โI didnโt think youโd be this cool about it.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โSweetheart,โ he whispers and you can feel the couch bend under his weight, dipping on his side as his hand comes to rest on your back as the hiccupping and burning starts again, the tears never far from the surface. โI understand why you didnโt tell me. IโฆI k-know I didnโtโฆsee you soโฆI know what I did. I know what I said and I wish,ย god, I wish Iโd never done those things, but I did. I canโt change themโฆbut I can try toโฆto move forwards.โ You lift your head to look at him, at the way his face is open, twisted in pain and sadness, tears marking his cheeks just like yours.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYouย reallyย hurt me,โ you whisper and you watch as those words land, his face twisting in on itself even more. โButโฆbut a part of me didnโt tell you becauseโฆbecause I didnโt want the first time you reallyย sawย me to beโฆto be with anger because youย donโt fucking want a kid!โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And in his eyes you can see confusion and then the dawn of understanding and he pulls you against him, tight and strong and fast, his arms steady and strong as you continue to cry and he does too, his tears falling on your head, on your neck, feeling for all the world like raindrops.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โI thought I was too old,โ he whispers, his hand still rubbing your back in that soothing motion. โI thought I was too oldโฆtoo fucked upโฆI didnโt think I deserved a kid. Deserved to have a family. I had thisโฆfucking guilt that I had moved on and when you asked that dayโฆabout a kid. I felt so guilty that I said no, butย baby, I wantedโwantโeverything with you. I want whatever youโre willing to give me.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย You look up at him to see that quiet sincerity in his perfect hazel eyes, those eyes that tell you a thousand different things in a language you learned to read long ago. A language you can still read now.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โI need you to prove that you see me,โ you whisper and watch as he pulls from his bag three large stacks of envelopes, the top ones addressed with your name in his tight, neat script.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โI wrote you a letter,โ he whispers, setting the stacks between the two of you, a barrier of a different sort. โOne for every day that youโve been gone. 1095 letters, sweetheart.โ His hand comes to rest on your cheek, palm cupping just gently as his thumb smooths across your cheekbone.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โThen let me take it one day at a time, Jack,โ you reply and he nods, leaning forwards to press a soft and gentle kiss to your forehead.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โTake all the time you need, sweetheart. Iโm not going anywhere.โ
Day 1 without you
Dear Bluefire,
God, what am I even doing? Youโre never gonna read this, never even see me again if I know you. And I do know you. I know how stubborn you are and how brave and how perfect and beautiful.ย
I know you. Just you. But you may have been right, sweetheart. I think I was too choked with guilt for loving you more to really see you the way I should have.ย
But itโs too late now, isnโt it?
Maybe one day Iโll send these, these letters to you. Maybe one day youโll read them and know one thing: I love you.ย
God, do I love you.
Love,
Your Jack.
Day 37 without you
Dear Bluefire,
I really fucking miss you. I miss the way you sleep, the way you pull me tight against you like a blanket. I miss the way you needed to cuddle after a hard shift. I miss the way youโd show up during my shift just to bring me something even when you should have been sleeping. I miss the way you used to say my name.ย
I miss the way you sit and the way you read, your mouth silently speaking the dialogue, as if youโre acting it out like an actor on a stage. I miss the way you watch movies, the way you get so into it, exclaiming in outrage or delight or sadness.ย
I just miss you.ย
God, this is pathetic. But itโs true. Perhaps the truest thing Iโve ever written.ย
Day 365 without you
Dear Bluefire,
One year. One whole fucking year youโve been gone and all I can think about is you. Itโs like the world is dark and you were the light and now youโre gone. And I canโt see anything before me without you.ย
In case you canโt tell, it means I miss you.ย
And all Iโve been thinking about is what you asked me that day when I was hungover. If I wanted kids. And I said no. But thatโs not true and I worry that thatโs whatโs fucked our relationship up.ย
The truth isโฆis that yes, I want kids. I want kids with you, it doesnโt really have anything to do with Diane except that I feel guilty that Iโm happy and sheโs gone. I want kids but I fear that Iโm too fucked up for them, that Iโd ruin them by just being me. And I donโt want that.ย
But all I can see in the house, is you. As a mother. You coming home after a long shift and scooping up the kid that Iโve spent my day with while I change out and go. You coming home on a night I have off and we settle down in the living room with our kids (yes, I know. Plural) and watch whatever kids movie they want for the umpteenth time while we share looks over their heads about how much we hate it.ย
God, I sound pathetic. But I love you, Bluefire. I love you so much.ย
Day 730 without you
Dear Bluefire,
I donโt really know what to say. Only that I miss you and that life is harder without you. The only thatโs keeping me going is that hope you spoke about. The hope that youโll come back and rescue me.ย
Can you be my knight in shining armor? Iโll play the damsel in distress so long as it makes you come back to me.ย
Please, Bluefire. Rescue me.
I love you.
Day 1095 without you
Dear Bluefire,
I will write one of these every day that youโre not in my life. Because itโs manifestation, right? Isnโt that what Javadi talks about? Manifesting destiny?
While this is me doing just that. Manifesting us and our happy ending. Our marriage. One where I see you. Every inch of you.ย
I will never not see you so long as you come back. See? Manifesting. I really fucking hope it works, sweetheart. Cause I need you.ย
I love you more than life.ย
Your Jack.
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย The letters made you cry, made you sob and heave and buckle, the noise of your cries disturbing Sammy who would only calm down once you did and once you sang to him. Once you sang to him โLooking Through a Window.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย The letters made you fall apart because in them, you heard him,ย Jack. You heard him realize how he fucked everything up, how he didnโt see you but he did now and how much he needed you.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And you took it a day at a time, reading his thoughts over three years. It took you a day. It took you one whole day in between caring for Sammy and occasionally calming your friends down over something stupid.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย It took you a day, but it took you through three years. Three years of emptiness and loneliness and understanding.
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย It took you through a life of a man who realized he had lost everything he ever cared for.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And you didnโt want him to stay lost.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โSammy,โ you say, lifting him from his car seat, settling him on your hip, turning and noticing Jack, standing stiff and straight in front of the Toys-R-Us. Itโs his soldier posture, hands clasped behind his back, chest thrown out. โLetโs go meet your daddy.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โHi,โ he says when you get close to him and you can see the vulnerability on his face, the fear. Something you never thought you would see on his face.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โHey, meet Sammy Rhys Handzo-Abbot,โ you say and you watch with that beating in your throat, that pulse of your heart in the muscles of your voice, bated breath. You watch as Jack looks up at you hope, surprise and fear all warring in those perfect, forest eyes.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โHe hasโฆhe has my name?โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYeah,โ you whisper, looking down at the cracked concrete beneath your feet. โI told Mom I thought it was a good idea for him to know who his dad is. To carry a piece of him with him soโฆwe filled it out that way.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โHey, bud,โ he says, eyes still on you as his hand comes up to cup Sammyโs chubby cheek. And then his attention falls to the little boy in your arms who lets out a small giggle, crying,ย โDada! Dada!โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย You watch as silent tears fall from Jackโs eyes, the kinds of tears that show more emotion than any angry or desperate cry does. Because these are the tears you try to prevent from falling in the first place.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โDo you want to hold him?โย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โCan I?โ He looks so surprised that you smile at him, a soft and sad smile as you nod.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โI read your letters, Jack. I read every word andโฆI want youโฆin our lives.โ
*
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โHey,โ you call out as Jack steps into the house, your mom out at work, her second job taking her to spend the day helping with caskets. โHow was the zoo? Was Sammy too much work?โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โDo you know he insists on being fuckingย carried? He didnโt want to walk or use the stroller. He just wanted me toย carryย him. Do I look like his personal carriage?โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โNo,โ you tell him, a laugh bubbling up and over your lips as Sammy toddles in, his hands holding tight to a panda plushie. โYou just look like his dad.โ
*
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โCome on,โ he whispers, his hands holding tight to yours. โI donโt want to be away from you and Sammy and even if itโs the fucking guest room that you live inโฆsweetheart, just please. Move in with me.โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โWhat do you see when you look at me?โ you ask him as he lets go of your hands, instead his hands come to rest on your waist, yours looping around his neck, Sammy out for the day with Lena and Dana looking for Motherโs Day gifts.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โI see the love of my life, the mother of my child and my future. I see a woman who is strong and bright and brilliant and perfect. I see a woman who holds my heart in her hands,โ he whispers, pressing his forehead against yours, his breath becoming your air.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โI donโt think Iโll need the guest room.โ
*
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โSammy!โ you hear Jack yell, the life youโre building slow but steady. It started with dates, days with Sammy and nowโฆa year later, living together. It was a fight with Lena but a necessary one. You told her that you needed to build your family.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And Jack was part of it.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โWhatโs he doing now?!โ you yell, stepping out of the library, a book tucked under your arm as you see Jack run past, the giggles your son echoing from a room not that far away.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โHe has a snake!โ You step back into the library and move to shut the door.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โIโll let you deal with that one, babe!โ
*
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โHappy birthday, Sammy!โ you whisper as you step into his room, watching as his still solid, chubby frame jumps up and runs over to you, his arms looping around your legs as footsteps sound behind you.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย You can feel Jack place his hand in between your shoulder blades, your body automatically adjusting, leaning back as his other hand comes to rest on Sammyโs head.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โHappy birthday, bud. Mommy and Daddy areย veryย excited for today.โ He says it just like you always thought he would.ย
*
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โGod!โ Jack cries as you press your lips against his pulse point, your tongue flicking out against it as he thrusts into you for the first time in four years. This is not sex the way it used to be, rather in every thrust in, in every kiss you share, every caress and touch and every time he brings you to your peak, it is an exclamation ofย I see you, I love you, I will always see you.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Every touch Jack gives you, every kiss, caress, lick and thrust is him telling you how much he loves you, just how much he regrets ever losing you in the first place.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And in every touch you give him, you tell him just how much you forgive him.ย
*
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย The dining room is empty, rather laughing echoes from outside as you step into it, a baseball cap on your head, sunscreen on your screen and in your pocket. Itโs the day of the farmerโs market and you look forward to it every year, the ones in New York just not the same.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โWeโre leaving in ten minutes!โ you yell, knowing theyโll hear through the open kitchen window and you grab your two canvas bags from where you left them on the counter, a glint catching your attention.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Itโs a glint on the table. The glint of metal catching light and you walk to it, taking notice of a gold ring set with three stones and a space for a fourth. You see your birthstone, Jackโs and Sammyโs and a space where it looks like a stone was left off or lost.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย And thatโs when you notice the papers.
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Youโve always wanted to adopt, wanted to save a child from the system, give a child the same chance that Lena gave you. You just didnโt think youโd do it, having Sammy and your career and doing it alone seemed like too much, but here before you are the papers to adopt. The ones you fill out to end up on adoption agency records and theyโre already partly filled out.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย The age marked as a child from anywhere from one to twelve. The namesโฆJack Handzo-Abbotย and yours, the sameโฆHandzo-Abbot.
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โDo you know what Iโm asking?โ Jack asks and you look from the papers to the ring and you do. You really do.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Heโs asking you to marry him with a ring thatโs prepared for your next kid. The one you adopt, just like you always wanted.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYou havenโt asked,โ you tell him, throat thick as you lift the ring up just as Sammy jumps and hugs your legs, making you stumble just a bit, laughing as you right yourself.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYou always wanted to adopt and you donโt have to go any of this alone anymore soโฆwill you marry me and not only make your husband and Sammyโs father but someone you trust to adopt a child with too?โ
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย โYes!ย Yes, I will!โ And then heโs there slipping the ring onto your finger and pressing a deep kiss against you, one that tastes of love and family but above all: second chances.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Because Jackโs right. You donโt have to go it alone anymore. You never did.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย Just this time you get to do it all with someone who sees every piece of you and loves you because of them.ย
ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย ย You get to do it all with someone who sees you. The miracle of you.ย
Dr. Brendon Park x AFAB!female!reader; ex!Robby x AFAB!female!reader (but like they aren't anything)
Summary: In the midst of Robby's downward spiral, he ended your relationship and proceeded to be immature and treat you poorly. After time, healing, and reflection, you find yourself believing in something, or someone, again. Only this time, itโs with Brendon Park. This fuels Robby's lashing out at people as he finally gets his karma. Inspired by the Chappell Roan song ๐ฉท This is going to be the first part of at least two, if not three part fic. I'll see where the story takes me!
CW: minimally edited/reviewed, discussion of depression, explicit language, breakup so angsty but also lots of comfort, reader has hair, suggestive language/scenes so MDNI, making out (mwah!), like not smut but almost, reluctant(?) proximity
WC: 3.9k
A/N: this isn't meant to be a complete dunk on Robby because he deserves healing and happiness too but that doesn't excuse the way he treated his staff! This was lowk inspired by me being peeved that Noah Wyle refuses to give us a night shift season and said that its primarily mothers going to the ER at night and its "boring." My friend's husband who is a night shift ER doctor would beg to differ. Anyway! Hope you enjoy. Also thank you for 76 followers!!!
It shouldn't have been a shock to you, not really. You'd just never thought that Robby would do this to you. He knew that kicking you out when you had nowhere to go was cruel but he did it anyway. As a resident, you were making crumbs while under a crushing amount of medical school debt. Thatโs why you were sniffling in the stairwell; overwhelmed, upset, and scared. Maybe you could pull a Whitaker and live in the hospitalโฆ. what the fuck had your life come to?
Overcome with more emotion, a new wave of tears rolled down your cheeks. You tried, unsuccessfully, to sob silently but to no avail. You wished more than anything you could cry at home but you didn't even have one of those anymore. Suddenly, a door above you opened and heavy footsteps were headed your way. You quickly wiped away your tears and prayed to every deity possible to make it look like you hadnโt just been crying. All too soon, you were peering up at Dr. Brendon Park, who had stopped moving the moment he saw you. Great. The least sympathetic person in the entire hospital walks in on this pitiful scene. He'd probably lose any respect he might have had for you just given the state you were in.
He stared down at you and slowly continued to approach. โWhat happened?โ
You really didn't want to share the sordid details of your breakup with the Shark. Naturally, a fib fell from your lips. โNothing.... I just, um, I have really intense allergies.โ
He stared at you, silent, not even entertaining your obvious lie. Anyone could tell youโd been crying your eyes out because your eyes were watery, red, and your whole face was puffy.
Much to your surprise, he lowered himself on the stairs to take a seat next to you. This time when he spoke, he used a softer voice and asked, โare you ok?โ You really werenโt expecting that. Which is how you found yourself sobbing again, but this time, into Parkโs chest, wetting his scrubs with tears and snot. Park absentmindedly rubbed your back while you were calming down. It was grounding and soothing -- it felt nice.
You both sat in silence for a little longer before you finally spoke up. You figured he deserved a little explanation since his scrubs were ruined for maybe the rest of his shift. Plus, he didn't have to comfort you. He could have just as easily ignored you and went on his merry way. You wouldn't have even held it against him.
You cleared your throat and with shaky breath, you explained, โRobby, uh, robby just broke up with me and told me to get my stuff out of his place by tomorrow night. It would be fine if I had a place to crash but Iโll figure it out. Iโm justโฆ really fucking sad and mad at myself for letting this happen. I knew it was going to end soon, I just didn't think.... I'd hoped he wouldn't do something like this.โ
You didnโt see it, still buried in the warmth of Brendonโs chest but his jaw clenched at your admission. What stupid asshole breaks up with their girlfriend at work and kicks her out?
โIf youโre going to be mad at anyone, be mad at Robinavitch. Thatโs beyond fucked up.โ
You werenโt sure why but that made you laugh. Maybe it was mania setting in or the ridiculousness of the situation but it was suddenly very funny to you. Your laughter bubbled up out of you, uncontrollable and bright. You still couldn't see his face, but he was smiling a bit to himself at the sound, grateful you had a momentary reprieve in sadness to laugh.
Brendon started to stroke your hair as you laughed and asked, โwhatโs so funny?โ
Turning your head to look up at him, you said, โI just never thought the Shark would be the one to comfort me.โ
He gave the slightest smile and said, โhey, Iโm full of surprises.โ Finally extricating yourself from him, you replied, "yeah, I guess so. Thanks by the way." Before you could start to get up, his warm hand gently wrapped around your wrist, stopping you in your tracks.
"You can crash at mine if you'd like. I have a guest room."
You were sure your eyes were as wide as saucers. The Shark was offering his home to you? Were you dreaming?
"Yeah, that would be--," unable to help yourself, you asked him the obvious question, "why? Why would you offer your place, you don't know me very well and you're comforting me as I'm a wreck and I ruined your shirt--"
Brendon swiftly cut you off as he heard emotion rising in your voice again, threatening to bubble over. He looked you square in the eyes and said, "because that's what you need."
You were speechless. Who knew Park the Shark could be so kind? You rushed forward and slammed into his chest, wrapping your arms around him in a tight hug.
"Thank you so much!" Before he could respond or even hug you back, your pager went off and you ran out of the stairwell and back to work.
After your shift from hell, Trinity, Javadi, and Whitaker all provided moral and physical support by helping you gather your things from Robby's. Luckily (or depressingly), all you had were clothes, toiletries, books, your laptop, a few trinkets, and a couple random kitchen items, which all fit in the back of Javadi's car with room to spare. At least Robby hadn't come home while you emptied his place of the evidence you ever existed in it. Needless to say, you were choking back tears all over again.
Once the car was packed, you stared at the outside of his house for maybe the last time. Reality sunk in again and your mind swirled with aching thoughts. It was an end of an era, of a relationship, of a life with someone you loved. How could it be taken away so quickly and without remorse or concern for you? Your friends must have noticed you were on the verge of tears because you were quickly wrapped in a bear hug from all three of them. It wasn't like you guys to not bicker and tease -- you must have been in a really bad spot to garner harmony and support from the group. Once more, you allowed yourself to let go, lose yourself in your sadness, and cried into the hug, shaking and exhausted.
With a teary smile, you pulled away and said, "let's go see the Shark's lair."
Javadi laughed and said, "yeah, I still can't believe he offered to let you stay with him."
"Me either. But beggars can't be choosers."
Trinity sent a smirk your way. "Oh please, I think if you had another option you'd still chose to stay with Park, what with the fuck-me-eyes you give him during consults."
Your mouth dropped open. "I do NOT give him fuck-me-eyes!" Trinity simply kept her smirk plastered to her face and muttered under her breath, "whatever you say."
Truthfully, you did find the surgeon attractive. Come on, you clearly had a thing for older men. But he was.... something else with his imposing stature, mean stare, and big fucking muscles. But until now, you hadn't really thought about it all too much. He was eye-candy, off-limits while you were in a relationship. But now, you found yourself very much not single.
Huffing, you pushed the absurd idea out of your mind. The man was offering a place to stay -- it was against so many morals to be sexualizing the poor guy. You'd respect him and his home and absolutely wouldn't think about him that way.
Yeah fucking right.
The first hours at Brendon's was... awkward to say the least. Neither of you were sure how to interact with the other or move in the now shared space. Currently, you were sitting on the guest bed, attempting to scrounge up some courage to go back downstairs. You couldn't stay in your bedroom forever, no matter how tempting hiding away was.
Before you could stop yourself, you got to your feet and made your way downstairs. The closer you got to the kitchen, the stronger a wonderful aroma of garlic and olive oil became. Brendon was preparing something, you weren't sure what, but it smelled fucking delicious. Your stomach grumbled, effectively announcing your presence to him.
Brendon turned, and much to your mortification, said, "I'd ask if you were hungry but I think I know the answer to that." You dropped his gaze in shyness, unable to figure out how to respond. You should be grateful, and of course you were, that he was allowing you to stay and offering you dinner after what was arguably one of the worst shifts of your life. You couldn't help but feel burdensome and once that was added to your already full plate of emotions, you weren't sure what to do with yourself.
Noticing your internal distress, Brendon's brows knitted together in concern. Setting the spatula down, he completely turned to face you. "Hey, I didn't mean anything by that --"
Before he could get further into an absolutely unnecessary apology, you interrupted him, saying, "no, no, please don't apologize. I just, I feel like such a burden right now and I don't know when I'll be able to get out of your hair and I just feel bad that you're letting me stay and now you're making dinner. I feel useless and burdensome I guess." Wow. You weren't expecting this radical honesty to pour out of you, but clearly, you couldn't help it. It had been a long day and it was simply too tiring to try to jump through the hoops of deciding what to share and what not to share.
"You're not a burden. I offered to let you stay and I'm offering food because I want to -- I don't do things I don't want to do. I'm a surgeon, I'm not hurting for cash." Blunt, but true. He owned a gorgeous brownstone that would have Architecture Digest salivating at the opportunity to film. Natural light poured into the kitchen and because the sun was setting, it bathed everything in a beautiful orange hue.
Feeling a bit more comfortable, you truly took in his place. It was impeccably clean (of course) and thoughtfully decorated. Brendon watched you take in your surroundings, oblivious to his assessing gaze and clear desire to know what you thought of it etched on his face.
You smiled as you spotted some family pictures on his wall. It was sort of odd to see him smiling in the picture since it was so different to his intense no-bullshit vibe at work. "Woah, you have a huge family." You turned to look at him and he had his back to you once more, back to stirring whatever was in the saucepan.
"Yeah. I'm grateful for them, especially my sisters."
You hummed in response, continuing to browse but very much filing that piece of information away. A man with sisters tended to be such a green flag. God, you were like a dog with a damn bone. Your relationship with Robby hadn't even been truly over for more than 10 hours and here you were, noticing Brendon. But if you were honest, your relationship with Robby had been dead for a long time. He'd stopped giving affection long ago and foolishly, you stayed, clinging to the tattered remnants of what used to make you happy. There was a part of you that couldn't help it: you were a lover girl through and through, even at times to your detriment. You knew that the relationship was on life support, you'd basically been his emotional punching bag, but still. you hoped for better. Like a fucking fool.
As you mentally chastised yourself and got lost in your relationship rumination, Park's voice cut through the air again. "The two of them actually designed my place."
"No kidding. Gosh, they're talented. You'll have to tell them my compliments to the chef."
He chuckled and said, "they know it too. They actually co-own an interior design business. I'm lucky they put this place together for me." Fondness and affection seeped through his voice, obvious and unhidden. In one fell swoop, Park had completely undone the idea you had of him in your head. You'd unfairly characterized him as an unfeeling ortho bro, which he clearly was not. Maybe it was better or easier for him to be intense at work. After all, a great deal of responsibility and expectations fell to him.
Wanting to broach the subject of your stay again, you said, "so about my staying here...." Park turned around and gave you his attention, which felt heavy and set your nerves on fire.
"Yes?" Oh. He really wasn't going to make this easy. Upon seeing you floundering, he expanded on his short response, "I need you to use words and ask what you want."
His command, the sureness of his tone, made your thighs clench together. Jesus fucking CHRIST get a hold of yourself. You hoped with every cell in your body he didn't clock that reaction.
"I just mean, I'm not sure how long it will take for me to find a place I can afford that is safe and close enough to the hospital. Of course if you need me out of here by a certain time, I'll go. I just wanted to know if you had a timeline."
"No. It takes how long it takes. And you don't need to rush. You should be in a nice, safe, convenient, and affordable apartment. Don't worry about how long it takes." You let out a breath you didn't know you were holding in. You felt relieved and reassured, which is honestly better than you felt even this morning, pre-breakup.
"Ok, soup's on. I made my grandma's minestrone." Brandon handed you a bowl full of steaming food and you knew it was going to hit so different just based on the smell and the family recipe of it all.
"I -- thank you." You were filled with emotion again and god, you wanted to stop crying in front of him and stop crying period, but he was just being so nice and caring. You knew you wanted to repay him somehow, eventually, but you didn't know what that would look like. No one had ever been so selfless and kind to you, especially someone who barely knew you.
You both tucked into your dinner and as expected, the minestrone was amazing. It was truly a comfort dish for you in this moment. Wanting to lighten the mood, mainly your mood, you said, "a surgeon, a cook, and a shoulder to cry on? What can't you do?"
He gave you a smile and replied, "like I said, I'm full of surprises." Now you knew that you would keep stumbling on these surprises, uncovering who he really was, transforming the way you saw Brendon Park.
After three weeks, you'd entered into a sort of routine with him, where you'd trade off chores. At first, Brendon vehemently protested, saying you were his guest and shouldnโt have to help, which you met with your own claims against being a freeloader. Reluctantly, he started to let you help prepare meals and clean. But grocery shopping... well that was a dual task. It was sickeningly domestic and even more disgustingly, you'd come to enjoy it. It was a sacred time with Brendon, where he was relaxed and sometimes teasing, which you ate up and relished. You enjoyed it so much you didn't even think about how you'd never done this with Robby until you were in the cereal aisle and Brendon put in your honey-nut Cheerios without needing to confirm you wanted them. It dawned on you how strange it felt to be... noticed. That really sucked to realize because of all the people who should pay attention and remember things about you, you'd expect it to have been your boyfriend.
After that, you couldn't help but continue to compare living with Brendon vs Robby. With Robby, everyday tasks were never shared. You'd actually preferred it that way because it felt natural with him and it seemed efficient at the very least. But with Brendon, even if it wasn't your night to cook, you were in the kitchen, keeping him company. Sometimes you two didn't talk; you simply fell into a comfortable silence and rhythm. Of course, you weren't in a relationship with Brendon but it felt so much simpler and lighter than mundane tasks with Robby. You didn't feel like you were constantly trying to please him or gauge how he was reacting to something. No. Brendon was blunt, honest, and didnโt like to play guessing games. It was incredibly refreshing.
At times, you felt guilty for how much you enjoyed staying with Brendon and seeing this unguarded, intimate version of him. The constant comparison between him and Robby didn't help either because no matter what it was, Brendon was always coming out on top. Fuck. This couldn't be healthy. You shouldn't want him, hell, you shouldn't even be thinking of him this way. Shame curled in your chest, sharp and demanding. You needed to get out of his house and fast.
As soon as you could, you opened your laptop to look at apartment listings while Brendon put away the groceries. You were spread out on the couch, pinching the bridge of your nose as you scrolled Zillow. So far, anything remotely in your price range was either in a questionable part of the city or too far from the hospital to be considered a reasonable commute. Park walked into the living room and sat next to your head, peering over you to look at the listings.
"Can't live there, that's where half the GSW victims come from."
Huffing, you complained, "I know, its hopeless to try to find a place on resident salary. I need to look into housing assistance or something."
Brendon hummed in response and you continued your efforts, in vain, to try to find an apartment. Absentmindedly, he started to play with your hair and it felt.... really fucking nice. You weren't sure when the two of you crossed the threshold to such comfortability but his casual touches and attention were more than welcome.
"I can ask my sisters if they know anything about that, they have a lot of connections with relators and landlords because of their business. And not slumlords, local landlords who are the most ideal form of landlord you can get."
You leaned your head back to look at him and said, "that would be really great, thank you so much."
Halfheartedly, you resumed your scrolling and he continued to play with your hair, which was making your heart beat out of your chest. Clearing his throat, he said, "you don't need to keep thanking me for everything."
Sitting up, you turned to face him on the couch. "I'll stop thanking you when you stop giving me reasons to be grateful."
Smirking he shot back, "is that a challenge for me to be an asshole?"
"Well, don't challenge my manners."
The air was charged with tension and now your heart was truly thumping in your chest so hard, you were convinced he could hear it. His beautiful blue eyes were sharp and alert but also two shades darker than normal. He licked his lips and your eyes hungrily tracked the movement. When you locked eyes again, you knew, god, you knew that he caught you.
"Wouldn't dream of it sweetheart."
When did you two get so close? You could practically feel his body heat radiating off of him. Your knees were touching and even that burned. You felt like a teenage girl again, like she was with her crush, alone for the first time. What's worse is that he seemed annoyingly, unfairly calm. He was relaxed into the couch, breathing completely normally. The only indication that he was affected were his eyes, which were now low and lidded.
You brought your hand to cup his jaw, feeling the stubble and savoring its friction against your skin. Your eyes traced his face, taking him in. To your delight, he had the faintest blush on his cheeks and you felt like the cat that got the cream. You felt like you were in a trance, a fog of desire that dictated what you did.
"I never thought I'd see the Shark blush."
Something dangerous flashed in his eyes at your teasing. You felt pretty pleased with yourself, rendering him into a blushing mess. Little did you know, you'd only have the upper hand for about two more seconds. Brendon nuzzled his face into your hand and kissed your wrist, pulling a gasp from you. Then he leaned ever so close to your face, lips brushing along your jaw, so, so, so close yet so achingly far from where you wanted them.
"Yeah? Well lucky you." He had the self-assured tone you'd heard from him so many times but now, it was making your thighs push together. Impatiently, you moved your head to finally capture his lips in a kiss. It started off gentle and exploratory, but soon enough, he had weaved a hand into the nape of your neck, pulling your head back to deepen the kiss with better access. You couldn't help it, you fucking moaned. He devoured the sound; devoured you. He was kissing the life out of you and you fucking loved it.
When you pulled away for some air, he chased your lips. Before he could reach you, you decided to climb into his lap. He groaned as your hips met his and placed his hands on your waist, squeezing you there oh so nicely. Your hands were everywhere, on his shoulders, then his chest, messing up his hair, and then gripping his biceps.
Neither of you knew how much time passed. You were lost in the moment, lost in him -- how he felt, smelled, and touched. You were no stranger to kissing, clearly, but... it was safe to say no one had kissed you like this before. You weren't sure if you could remember your name. The only thing you were sure of was that Brendon Park was taking you apart at the seams and you were only too happy to let him do so.
"Please, please, please..." You could hardly recognize your whiny voice and you weren't even sure what you were begging for.
"What, baby, what?" God, he was so sweet.
"I need you."
"You have me."
"No I need more of you."
At that, he cupped your jaw holding you away from him to look you in the eyes. "Are you sure?"
And because he always gifted you his honesty and bluntness, you knew you needed to return the favor. "I've never been more sure of anything. Yes."
"Fuck." It sounded like it was punched out of him, like he was in disbelief with what was happening. He gave you another sweet kiss and then he was pulling you up and leading you to his bedroom.
just read My kind of Shark and yes the people (me) would love a part 2 ๐ฉ๐ฉ maybe their relationship gets discovered by the Pitt and just domestic shark >>>>
I just threw this up *throw up fanfic in toilet*, I know itโs not a full part two but itโs a start! I hope you enjoy!
