That's when I knew I loved you
One day I was sitting outside talking to someone about how you’ve been hurting me, how so many times I’ve let you walk all over me. As much as I talked about how hurt I was my friend asked “If he hurts you so much then why do you love him ?” I stayed quiet. Then he asked “How do you Know you love him and not just sticking around because you’re comfortable ?”
I sat there looking at the ground not because I was thinking of reasons why but because I was trying to hold back my tears.
I had a flash back to that day.
It was after the Fourth of July, we made up, a couple of days later you went out with your friends. Like always you called/face timed me when you got to your room. Usually around 11 or 12 at night in California which was 2:30 or 3 in the morning New York time. You called that night, something was different I couldn’t see your face but I heard it in your voice.
I thought
“This was the boy who showed me how to laugh and just be myself, no matter how dorky or weird I could be it was wonderful in his eyes. The boy that never showed how much anything phased him, he was invincible.
That night you didn’t sound like yourself. You tried to keep it together but after giving you a good laugh you got quiet. I laid in bed holding the phone in my ear wondering and said “babe you there?” And what you said to me next broke me. You said “Don’t give up on me. Please.” We both stayed quiet.
All I could think was why would anyone ever do that to you ? You sounded so lost and vulnerable, this wasn’t the boy I first met, so full of life and joy. This was WHO YOU ARE at your lowest.
And it broke my heart.
You showed me a side of you the world doesn’t get to see. A side of you I never wanted to see again. I didn’t mean in the way that I wanted to cut all contact off, I meant it in the way that I never want to be the reason you ever feel that way again.
You were just as broken as I was and every time I wanted to breakdown and leave you, I couldn’t. I still can’t. Despite all the ways you try to keep your wall up, I’ve had you bring me down the stars and the moon I see nothing but galaxies when I look into your eyes.
The way I see it being with you is like being with someone with Alzheimer’s. Metaphorically speaking the disease represents your wall and guard. You avoid me, you hurt me, sometimes you don’t even recognize what’s in front of you. Although, somehow you come back and you’re that boy I heard on the phone that day. Then suddenly your not lucid anymore.
When it’s all been nothing but chemistry instead of physical attraction. Long distance, time not on our side, arguments upon arguments. Just when I am about to give up.
I remember that boy whose voice shook when he said “don’t give up on me, please.”
I never wanted to be that person, But I don't want to cry anymore.
That’s why I stayed.
That’s why I’m still here.
That’s when I knew I loved you.
– The things I will never let him read. (Yes I’m still here)
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