Thank fuck no one follows me, and none of my associates know my Tumblr.
I'm just down, and no one around me gives a shit. In fact, they just keep saying exactly the right things to push me further down. That's what family is for, right?
So, I'm venting because I have to. Not because anyone will listen, or even respond. Because I don't have anyone. Not any more. Haven't for years, and it's only recently been made abundantly clear to me that that is how it is. I turned 29 three weeks ago. My step-dad was a day late, but he thought it was the day before. And only 3 people wished me happy birthday on the right day. My mother, a girl who shares my birthday and a friend from high school, who likely only realised from seeing the girls post on my Facebook.
As for the dozen or so other people I was close to? Not a word. One person wished me "happy birthday for 10 days ago", after I wished her a happy birthday.
Three years ago, my girlfriend broke up with me on my birthday, after I had to fight to get her to even talk to me. I've been single since; my confidence shot to hell. My ability to talk to girls? Negligible. Non-existent. Socially inept. Pick your poison. Just months before the dumping, I wrecked my car. 2000 Subaru Impreza WRX. I took out a loan to buy it, and I'm still paying it off. Along with the extra I took out to help my folks. Something else I did that typically backfired in my face...
After wrecking my car, I became agoraphobic to an extent. I wouldn't leave my home at all. I lost my will to do anything. And even 3 years later, I still haven't recovered it.
So many times in the past six months alone, I have just thought about ending it. I have no value, no purpose. And if they're to be believed, I'm not gonna amount to anything any way, so why even kid myself? There's nothing I can do to feel better, when all I get is belittled for whatever I do manage to accomplish. "You aren't doing it right", "took you long enough", "you call that a finished job?" and my absolute favourite... "It's not like you've done anything all day"
Fuck me. No matter how hard I try, I seem to fuck up, and when I don't try, because I can literally see no point in working hard only to disappoint my folks, and subsequently myself again, for hoping I MIGHT get a different response for once, I get admonished like I'm still some child.
Why do I even bother trying? I don't even know. So I can't any more. I just can't. I'm sick of trying and failing to please anyone. There's no point continuing this farce. I just can't deal with it any more. If I do end it, I don't expect there to be any significant impact to the world. I'm nobody's father, I'm just a burden to my mother, my father's in a different country, I haven't seen any 'friends' in 3 years and it's not like I have any of the solution to cure cancer in my head at all. I'm a skillless, useless waste of space with nothing to my name except astronomical debt and crippling depression. So if anything, the world will be losing an oxygen thief...
But, I probably still don't have the courage to off myself. I live on a farm, and have had several opportunities to pick up a gun and shoot myself since moving out here...yet here I still am. Pretending like I have a reason to be here, when I'm really just too cowardly to put an end to it.
So, I'm stuck in this loop. The same loop I've been living for the past 14 years. On and on it goes. Spiraling further and further out of control. Fuck it. I can't deal with it. I just want to be able to feel good again. But like hell that'll happen. I disappoint everyone, so what's the point working for someone, when all I'll do is disappoint them. I want to enjoy finally playing kingdom hearts 3, without the constant literal and metaphorical nagging about "you could be doing more important things" and I want to feel loved. I spent 3 years attempting to buy the love of my ex, because my self-worth is just so low, that I feel people need to be compensated for being with me, in any way...romantic or otherwise. And I honestly don't feel wrong in that belief, since the moment I stopped providing things, I stopped being valuable as a companion...
I am so tired of being alone. I want someone to appreciate me. I could even go for just being waved at...I'm not special, I'm nothing important. But I do want to be treated properly. A simple respect. Given a chance. Appreciated, just a little.
