What I mean when I say "I'm fine, just tired"
I wake up from a night of fitful sleep I drink my coffee, the only part of my day I'm confident is ethically sourced I take my meds that sometimes help. I take my other meds for the side effects, and think "I wonder who profits from my illness?" I get in my car, and think "the fossil fuel industry and America's twisted notion of 'individualism' have taken away my transit choices" A love song I like comes on the radio, and I think "Another example of heterosexuality and compulsory monogamy being normalized" I drive over a pot hole, and think "even our inefficient roads aren't well maintained; our taxes are being funneled into the military industrial complex" I buy some groceries and know that the staff aren't paid enough, and think "I don't have the money for or local access to 'ethical groceries'; the choice has been made for me" A friend shares good new, and I'm too worn down to feel joy for them, and think "am I a monster?" I eat junk food because it feels good, at least for a few moments, and then think "this will probably make me feel worse tomorrow. I'll probably gain more weight" I exercise, telling myself it's to help with my sleep and to feel connected to my body, and then think "I must be fatphobic for wanting to be thinner" I text an old friend, they don't reply. I think "Why am I so unimportant to the people in my life?" I get a message from a family member, and think "I don't have the energy for this right now. I never do. Am I broken for not wanting to help my family?" I play a violent video game to relax, and think "this still upholds the values of colonialism" I write these words, and think "does the world really need another white man sharing his thoughts online?" I go to post this and think "am I giving a voice to my pain? to others' pain? or am I fishing for compliments?" I see the logical fallacies in these thoughts, and think "I just need to be more mindful"
