The Apocrypals

  Welcome to Apocrypals, the podcast where two non-believers read through the Bible, but aren't, you know, jerks about it. Join comic book writers Benito Cereno and Chris Sims as they embark on a complete, non-sequential journey from Acts to Zephaniah, with stops in the Apocrypha along the way. A love offering will be collected: ko-fi.com/apocrypals

[supreme-leader-stoat]

Between the water dwelling and the poison breath I think it's pretty clear that that St. George fought a a very lost komodo dragon

[supreme-leader-stoat]

Like a really big one

[supreme-leader-stoat]

To be clear he did still have divine aid in killing the komodo dragon

[stars-in-a-jam-jar]

@apocrypals

[adventures-in-poor-planning]

prayer to whichever dead catholic person is most appropriate: may I not have to run a whole week of surprise camps on crutches. in a knee brace.

[adventures-in-poor-planning]

Im agnostic raised liberal protestant, but absolutely the catholics got saints right. Sometimes your problem is so fucking specific you need Some Guy. If you're listening, Guy of Workers Who Have Strain Injuries,

[adventures-in-poor-planning]

No fucking WAY, there's actually a knee injury Guy? Catholicism accidentally reinventing the medical specialty system......

[youremysunshine8]

I know you're wondering: are there slutty pictures of him revealing his knees?

Saint Roch, by Francesco Ribalta, c. 1625, Museo de Bellas Artes, Valencia

[image id: st. Roch staring soulfully and hiking up his robe to show that his thigh has a bubo on it, also sluttily revealing his knees]

[running-with-toast]

what the dog doin

[tedlyanderson]

@apocrypals

[apocrypals]

The dog is there to lick his inflamed lymph nodes

Apocrypals: 63: Wist Not To Whom Ne Whither (The Lives of St. Roche and St. Guinefort)

You know who doesn't come off very well in Bible, Theophiloi? Dogs. This week, though, our canine pals get a little bit of redemption as we

[wizard0rb]

[owldude]

[wow-a-real-blog]

@apocrypals

[fleysh]

[bluesardine]

Some great additions from the comments.

[wow-a-real-blog]

@apocrypals

[apocrypals]

hey what the fuck is going on with the catholics rn???

The short, simple version is this:

There’s a splinter group of ultra conservative (religiously and politically) “Catholics” who have for several decades claimed that the Church has strayed from the true Catholicism since the Vatican II reforms of the mid 20th century. They have been warned about their actions by multiple popes at this point.

The breaking point this week was that they consecrated bishops within their sect after being expressly forbidden to do so by Pope Leo. Essentially this group is denying that the current pope is truly part of the succession of St Peter — more or less they’re saying the pope isn’t Catholic enough.

This may not seem like a huge deal from the outside, but it is essentially treasonous in terms of severity. So they have been kicked out of the Catholic church.

To be clear, I’m on the Pope’s side here, which yeah came as a surprise to me as well, but this schismatic sect (SSPX) sucks really bad

[queerprayers]

Happy Feast of St. Peter & St. Paul! I'm sure they'd love sharing a day

[spaghetti-machete]

@apocrypals

[apocrypals]

The two main dudes of Christianity

[korunak]

christ in the wilderness, ivan kramskoy

[thatbitchsimone]

he looks like he needs a cigarette

[refuzz]

[hunter-rodrigez]

[determinedapathy]

@apocrypals

[apocrypals]

I like your posts, but to me it's a little odd to reblog the version of the post with a reply that says just "@apocrypals" every time. Is there a specific reason for doing it that way?

Why tap many time when one tap do trick

[insert-witty-user-name-here]

[determinedapathy]

@apocrypals

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

was thinking about how the concept of god is usually characterized as male (thanks patriarchy) and i came up with a question: in christian theology,

does "God" have a penis?

surely the catholic church made some sort of ruling on this

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

stop derailing with Jesus's foreskin, this post is about God's genitals ONLY

[myfairkatiecat]

Hi, Catholic here—the only part of the holy trinity with a human body is the Son (Jesus) so yes, but also God the Father doesn’t have a human body so no, but the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are all the same being as well so yes, but all humans including women are created in the image of God so hypothetically He has everything else too. Hope this helps.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

thank you it did not!

[durnesque-esque]

One of my absolute favorite professors, Dr. Tupper (a tiny, elderly, white, deeply Southern Baptist man from Mississippi who spoke with a THICK accent), from my Masters of Divinity program taught about the genderless-ness of God by scrawling a MASSIVE set of male genitalia on the white board and then tapping it enthusiastically while yelling: "GOD DOES NOT HAVE A PENIS!"

[thatlowvice]

This feels like something i should tag @apocrypals

[apocrypals]

To the ancient Israelites, God absolutely did have a penis

God: An Anatomy [Stavrakopoulou, Francesca] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. God: An Anatomy

Does God have a penis now? Evidence points to no. So the question rises: who performed God’s bottom surgery

[thethirdromana]

Putting the term "Catholic guilt" on a high shelf where fandom can't reach it until everyone learns how to identify characters who are very very clearly coded as Protestant.

[vampfuneralpyre]

[demi-shoggoth]

@apocrypals

[stjohnstarling]

St. Bartholomew STUNS wearing his own flayed skin.

[stjohnstarling]

They’re calling him a “decaying husk” who is “attracting mice and rats.”

[wow-a-real-blog]

@apocrypals

[apocrypals]

Apocrypals: 41: Neo-Mary Is About To E X P L O D E (The Questions of Bartholomew)

Happy Easter, Theophiloi! He is risen indeed! It's definitely still Easter, so we're back with the Questions of Bartholomew, and friends, le

[memecucker]

Apparently there were vernacular translations of the Christian Bible into Gothic that specifically omitted the books of Joshua and Judges bc the 4th century missionaries were like “yeah uh they uh… they don’t need to know about these parts… not yet… it’ll undo so much fucking progress they’re gonna read Judges and then their take away is gonna be “SO IF I SPEAK AN OATH TO BURN ALIVE MY FIRSTBORN CHILD THEN THIS CHRIST-GOD WILL GRANT ME INVINCIBLE FAVOR IN BATTLE?????”

[witchofanguish]

This is actually a common opinion among Jews as well lol- I had a rabbi who got a bit annoyed about people learning that portion on their own without “proper” commentary. Although not for being worried about people doing child sacrifice, more for theodicy

[sean-gaffney]

@apocrypals

[an-ruraiocht]

[sabotflask]

@apocrypals

[caden]

When u hear your friend john talking shit about someone but you’re in church so you tell him to tone it down:

[caden]

[spaghetti-machete]

@apocrypals

[poetrylesbian]

obviously dietary requirements aren't a joke but my grandma sometimes runs errands for her church and i asked her what she's up to today and she said extremely seriously "ive got to track down the body of the gluten free christ, julia"

[ritavonbees]

this totally scans for a swear intensifier btw. what in the gluten free christ is going on here, Julia

[fictionz]

@apocrypals

[fnordseer5]

oh the wifi password yeah it's the nicene creed in its entirety

[freebroccoli]

*spends 15 minutes painstakingly typing the creed in its entirety*

"password is incorrect"

*remembers that my host is Orthodox, rewrites entire creed but without the filioque*

[spaghetti-machete]

@apocrypals