Have A Biscuit Potter

Everything that crosses my mind and keyboard

[m-kolya]

So this might ruffle some feathers in the Epic community, but:

Athena should NOT be Odysseus’ patron goddess. It should be HERMES.

Like yeah yeah “cunning” and “craftsy”and “brain over brawn” whatever.

But c’mon! That is JUST as Hermes-coded as Athena-coded.

Odysseus did close to nothing in the Trojan war that actually involved WAR. This man did not pull up there as a military specialist. He TRICKED the trojans. While everybody brought LEGIONS, this man, as far as I’m concerned, showed up with what feels like a moderately armed boyscout camp.

For all we know he and his buddies spent 10 years singing kumbayah around the campfire, getting absolutely wasted until Ody saw one of his (equally stoned) men fuck around-and-find out with a knife and piece of wood and went:

“Guys!! I have the FUNNIEST idea”

Point is: he’s not someone very… military-y.

And in the Odyssey my guy’s constantly:

lying

stealing

TRAVELING

tricking

trespassing

persuading~

Just, you know. Standard racoon behaviour.

Athena just did a bad job at keeping his prize winning pet human alive (Achilles) so on the way home she stumbled into this permanently exhausted, runt-of-the-litter dumpster cat of a man and decided:

“We’re gonna be BEST FRIENDS!”

Athena just shotgunned him way too fast and my poor boy Hermes was stuck trying to therapy him out of this CLEARLY toxic relationship with his sister like:

“Darling, you’re hurting him.”

*Athena choking the dear life out of Odysseus*

“But he’s SO CUTE!!”

[m-kolya]

Getting offered free cookies for women’s day is all nice but I’m clearly not built for interactions like that cuz

Not my awkward trans ass going:

Uhm… I don’t think I qualify?

[m-kolya]

Hear me out!

I’m convinced Bucky’s arm has a built in sound system.

Shuri obviously took the challenge like Jinx and only toned the design down because Bucky has to blend in. (He barely escaped the Sevika treatment)

And since Shuri is a big Stucky shipper herself.

When the arm detects high heartbeat and intense sweating without other signs of distress… *and* detects Steve’s voice under those conditions… just occasionally…

It starts playing Careless Whisper

The worst of it?

It’s like those asian singing birthday candles. You can’t make it shut up. Tony tried taking it apart and no. Nope. He has no idea how to disable it.

(But he definitely enjoys Bucky’s suffering)

The only viable solution they found was submerging it in water.

How did they find that out? Bucky threw it in the washing maschine.

THAT’S WHY IT WAS IN THE WASHING MACHINE!!!!

[m-kolya]

Try as you might, nobody can convince me Bucky’s arm doesn’t have special features implemented by Shuri.

It definitely has built in LEDs and it lights up like a rainbow keyboard at the worst times.

Like Bucky and Steve being on a stealth mission and right before ambushing the targets the arm goes FULL CARAMELLDANSEN DISCO BALL

Of course they escape in one piece but when they corner Shuri:

Steve: WHAT WAS THAT??!

Shuri: what was what?

Bucky: You turned me into a human rainbow!

Shuri: Ah that!! Man! It’s PRIDE MONTH!!! I’m showing support!

Bucky&Steve: NOT LIKE THAT!

[m-kolya]

So I was talking with my kinda accepting but kinda homo-transphobic boss (he’s very particular about how he finds LGBT stuff A-okay)

And somehow Stucky came up.

Now I’m a BIG Stucky shipper. I will protect my dear boys with every fibre of my being. So naturally when my boss started nitpicking I had to gear up.

Because this poor mans best reason against them was:

“But they are both very masculine, handsome and good looking men. Why would you ruin that with something so disgusting.”

Although my blood was boiling at this, I know he’s very old fashioned and I dunno, growing up as an LGBT kid in eastern europe kinda made me immune to BS like that.

So I just went

“Have you considered that I might like my ships a 100% masculine, handsome and good looking?

Like if you’re admitting they are SCORCHING HOT/SEXY, then why have ONE? when I can have TWO???”

And look, OBVIOUSLY Stucky needs their emotional bond and I Love Them for it.

But let’s just say, if someone is coming at me with a LIT MATCH, I’ll answer with GASOLINE.

[m-kolya]

So I was rewatching CA:TFA

Mind you the last time I saw it I was 13 and desperately trying to put the timeline together because I wanted to see Endgame

Obviously my memories were quite foggy and overshadowed by other movies.

It’s also worth mentioning that I wasn’t watching it in english

(I know I sinned, I’m sorry, but I’m not supporting the cartoon mouse in putting out more trash under the Marvel logo)

Anyways, You know how Erskine and Smith have GERMAN accents in the original?

Well NOT IN HUNGARIAN

For some unknown reason Erskine has a VERY STRONG FRENCH inflection to the point where I was afraid he might have cataphatic shock in his tounge

But to add insult to the injury

It took me like half of the movie to realise that in fact the Red Skull isn’t working for the soviets, (told you Winter Soldier was muddying my mind) and there’s no 3-way opposition between the SU, USA and Germany. All this SOLELY because,

Smith has Schrödinger’s RUSSIAN accent. It’s only there when you look for it, and even then it’s like someone trying to imitate russian that NEVER heared russian.

So this is why voice acting matters folks. Don’t do accents if you can’t land them.

[m-kolya]

Okay so most species in LotR/Hobbit are very particular about their hair. And no, I won’t accept “no cutting at all because that’s a sign of shame”The amount of split ends that would mean, dear god.

No no, hair needs tending and nurturing.

That means there are professional hairdressers in middle earth. Since there are specific hairstyles per race, we can safely assume most barbers have a tailored experitise.

Now imagine those poor barbers in Gondor right before Aragorns coronation having a bunch of elves in their shops with no clue what to do with them.

“So do you… part it here?”

“I don’t know Damrod, they smell like starlight, I’m panicking!”

And now Legolas with a medieval bobcut lives rent free in my head.

Aragorn spat out his wine when he first saw it and Gimli fell off his booster seat

[m-kolya]

Do you ever get to the point where you’re listening to a song and you feel like:

“I need this flowing in my veins. NOW!!!”

No? Guess I’m the weird one then

[m-kolya]

Look, I love the name Bifrost just as much as the next nordic mythology enthusiast.

But I propose that we rename it in western media to:

🌈SUNWAY✨

[m-kolya]

Harry: Draco, you should shower with lukewarm water.

Draco: Have you taken into consideration, that I might enjoy being boiled alive? If I don’t step out of the shower 6 shades pinker, face a foggy mirror and still see my eyebrows intact, I don’t consider it relaxing. You can swim in the frozen black lake all you want, but leave me and my pressure cooker alone, thank you.

*worried Hansel and Gretel noises in the distance*

[m-kolya]

Are they called Stucky because they are always stuck in different times/places and the writers are too cowardly to keep them in the same room because they know the two of them have too much chemistry???

[m-kolya]

The hashiras and how they sleep in a Modern AU:

Rengoku: Sleeps straight as a log. Like those "let's go to sleep" *cut to sleeping person* scenes, but he actually does that irl. Wakes up the same way, ready to scream "Good Morning" at anyone, recieving pillows in his face.

Mitsuri: You'd have a difficult time finding her under that army of plushies. Her bed is like the inside of a clawmashine, with multiple human sized teddy bears (from Obanai). Tho her favourite is obviously her bodypillow. And if that has a picture of Iguro on it, that’s pure coincidence.

Tengen: One word. STARFISH! Takes up as much space as he can and let me tell you HE CAN because he refuses to sleep on anything but king sized beds. He’s a very light sleeper though and wakes up to the smallest unusual sound. Just a warning: He sleeps naked!

Sanemi: In the most TWISTED WAY you can imagine. Neck crancked 45 degrees to the left, arms and legs bent at every joint, NEVER on his back. Prefers hard futons, immensely dislikes soft mattresses. Wakes up sore anyway, but won’t do anything about it.

Shinobu: Had difficulty falling asleep after the thing with Kanae, and took up the nasty habit of watching TV in bed. Now she can’t sleep unless there’s a history or murder documentary playing in the background. The lights don’t bother her OH BUT IT BOTHERS EVERYONE ELSE!

Giyuu: Insomniac at night, hypersomniac at daylight. Spends most nights on the couch rather than his own bed. At one point he decided to make use of this time, so took up crocheting, cooking, juggling anything basically, and the others wonder when he had time to learn all that shit. But during the day if you don't talk to him for 30 minutes he will doze off.

Obanai: Honestly? He spends most of the night lying motionless with Kaburamaru on his chest. But if he manages to fall asleep, and you wake him up. GOD you better pray for your life!

Gyomei: If you don't get ahead of him, you won't get A BLINK of sleep. He sound like a CHAINSAW and it’s concerning. You think of nudging him? Good chance! Not gonna work. Yes others take advantage of that. Yes they did the whipped cream prank on him, and they had to wait until morning because Gyomei refused to budge. Did I mention he sleeps with his eyes open?

Muichiro: He’s narcolepsyc. The first few times it scared the hell out of everyone. Nowadays they just carry around emergency airbags.

[m-kolya]

Okay so I went to the opera today. Not a big fan, maybe when I’m 60, divorced and my bloodline has died out twice, but not today.

But the tickets were free and I’m eastern european so obviously I said “HELL YEAH!”

Anyways, the story is set in ancient Egypt but they had some weird-ass christian imagery going on?

Like the MCs die Romeo&Juliet style in a tomb, but they start talkin’ about heaven and a warm guiding light

And I’m just sitting there like:

“heya Ra didn’t know you roleplayed as Saint Peter in your time”

And at the end I hear a random guy behind me whisper,

“Did they turn into angels???”

and I just deadass went

“Sure buddy! They even forged them’ some gold halos out of spare mummy jewelry”

Like hell? GLAD WE KNOW OUR RELIGIONS!

[m-kolya]

*camera shows Blaise throwing an absolute tantrum*

Blaise: Get Out! You are a DISGRACE to me! I will NOT tolerate that behaviour in THIS household!

Ron: *turns on the selfie camera with a tired face* I mispronounced bruschetta…

[m-kolya]

The Hashiras vs Driving in a Modern AU:

Rengoku: Payed on his own for his license, can drive extremely well. BUT a real Passenger Princess with all his heart and you can’t beat him at shotgun

Mitsuri: Doesn’t like the idea of driving, but WILL get to the other end of the city before you on roller skates

Tengen: Learned with Mario Kart and GTA and it SHOWS. He will tell a different story of how he got his license revoked every chance he gets. Yet he’s still on the road somehow

Sanemi: DEAD SILENCE. The safest ride you could get, but if you try to put on the radio he will break your hand. One of those guys who would turn down the volume to see better when parking EVES AS A PASSENGER.

Shinobu: Thought that paying for lessons is not worth it, learned on her own. She drives quite well, but never got her license officially. She’s got a fake. Just like taxes.

Giyuu: WILL FIGHT GOD to convince you that he never got his license . You will catch him trying to hitchike standing next to a completely functional car. (Of course he has a license)

Obanai: Failed like 28 times and just gave up. Would describe him as careless but never caused an accident. “You didn’t wait until the pedestrian left the crossing” “Yea AND? I didn’t hit him?”

Gyomei: Did try it once. Swears the fence moved in front of him.

Muichiro: IS A CHILD

[m-kolya]

A real conversation that transpired between me and my (heterosexual) friend

Me: did you have a Supernatural phase?

Friend: you mean the series?

Me: yeah. because I can’t even deny that

a) I’m gay and

b) I’m living my timeline wrong

because why did I, while looking for a show, go straight to Sherlock and Supernatural instead of The Vampire Diaries, which was way more popular when I was supposed to be watching these things

Friend: spoiler, neither would have helped me

Me (after a short silence): …you mean the shows or the homosexuality and timeline situation

Friend: …WELL THEN ALL FOUR APPARENTLY

[m-kolya]

Harry in DH2: go big or go home

Ron: please go home

Hermione: Harry, I’m begging you please go home

The entire hp cast: just once in your life Harry, we’re begging you-

Harry, whispering: Im gonna go big

*goes and dies*

Meanwhile somewhere in purgatory:

Dumbledore: that’s my boy!

Harry *gets resurrected*

Dumbledore: no my boy!