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It seems to me that I'm not the person that I am

[madreni]

подписывайся

https://t.me/lalashlap

открываю канал в телеграмме. без понятия, что туда писать. но какую-нибудь чепуху буду чиркать :)

[madreni]

What should I do, if I don’t want to smile for 24/7?

What should I do, if I don’t want to see anybody?

What should I do, if I want to do nothing?

I’ve cried again today. 

What the hell is going on? 

[madreni]

Martyrs/Мученики

Maybe some people are born to be a martyrs? Maybe I am this man. Or maybe I am just fucking idiot. Whatever.

I wrote about my depression period in a notebook and I definitely want to show you those notes. But I need to confess that I am afraid of these things. I am afraid of reading these notes. And I am afraid of what I can read there. I want to tell you how I lived in this painful time. So, I hope I’ll find the strength to do it.

Может быть некоторые люди рождены для того, чтобы быть мучениками? Может, я одна из них? А может я просто гребанная идиотка? Насрать.

Я записывала все, о чем я думала в период депрессии, в блокнот, и я определено хочу показать эти записи вам. Но я должна признаться, что я боюсь это делать. Я боюсь читать эти записи. И я в ужасе от того, что я могу причитать там. Я хочу показать, как я жила в то неприятное время. И поэтому я надеюсь найти силы сделать это.

[madreni]

Sugar crap

And if you want to know I continue to eat a lot of sugar but I reduced consumption of another food. Fuck. What am I doing?

[madreni]

Second crap

I've stopped thinking completely. There is so much I want to tell you but I can't. And it is not because I'm shy or something. No. It is because I don't know how to do it (this is one of reasons why I rarely make posts). 1000 times I've tried to write something. But when an idea is in my mind and there is a plan, structure and all, as soon as I start to write, all thoughts start to fade and disappear. They mix, so the plan is ruined. And yeah, all day long I live without thoughts. It is so strange because only a month ago I had a loooot of different thoughts. When I was alone. Fuck. This is all. My mood have been changed. And I want to sleep. I don't know what I wanted to write. Good night.

[madreni]

Crap

I'm on bottom and I don't know how fix it. Why everything is so bad when everything is so good.

[madreni]

Returning to the previous post

I was able to hold on without sugar that day. But.. There is always f*cking ‘but’

But that was only one day...

What the hell is going on? I can’t stop doing it. I’m weak. I’m so weak. It’s sort of addiction. Food, yea, I’m saying about not only sugar now. I can’t stop eating. I eat not because I’m hungry or something. I’m eat because... Actually, I don’t know even what to say. I have no answer. 

Gluttony. 

[madreni]

Spontaneous post

Actually, it's so hard to write in English about your thoughts and about what's in your soul. Especially, when you're from Russia and your English isn't good. But the harder a problem the more interesting to solve this. I've never been a writer or something and never wanted to be the one. So, of course I don't know how to write like a writer. Well, why am I doing it? I don't know either. Maybe I want to be heard 'cause in real life no one hears me. Maybe I want to be supported 'cause in real life I have no support. I don't know. I'm just sitting at work now. I'm working at the theater. And I'm just sitting in a dark hall, listening how a play acts behind a wall and watching how actors prepare to play. Everyone has their own life, way or something. I think it's cool.

Just now I’ve seen an announcement in Instagram that said the person who I follow for have committed a suicide. She was only 22 years old. She was very creative, extraordinary and just awesome person. Rest in peace, GG.

I have a problem. Maybe there is not a one problem. Do I have a mental disorder? Or is that only my weak-willed and spineless character? I can’t restrain myself. I do things that scares me. They can become something bigger and worse. I’m afraid of what it can be, what I can do.

[madreni]

First day without sugar

It’s my first day without sugar. Of course the day isn’t over yet, but I decided to post this now, ‘cause I make a promise to myself. It’s sort of motivation, I think. Well, let’s see whether I’ll be able to not eat sugar or not. I’ll make sort of diary here and write what I ate or drank for a day.

Early morning 

1 banana and cottage cheese + 500ml of water and cup of green tea

Supper

300ml of coffee

It’s all for now and I am really pleased. Maybe you have some questions or it seems misunderstanding, but it all has a sense. Believe me. I’ll explain you why I do it later, ‘cause all things can not fit in one post. So, there will be several posts about my nutrition and physical and mental health. And in the evening I’ll post what I’ll eat in a rest of the day.

[madreni]

It seems to me that I'm not the person that I am

So... I don’t know what I should start with.

First of all, there won’t illustrations like there was before. Why? ‘Cause I hate what I’m doing and creating. I don’t feel pleasure from what I do anymore.

I’ve changed. I want to continue to change...

I don’t know what I should do. I want to be smarter than I am. I want to be slimmer than I am, I want to be stronger than I am, more beautiful, more patient, more intelligent, more polite...just better than I am. Also I do want to do another things than I’m doing now.

I do want to change my life.

You know, from childhood I’ve drawn and everyone told me that I did it very well. And I’ve believed in it for a long time. But I always did it without pleasure. I never drew with the great enthusiasm like another artist who really loves what they do. So, now I understand that it is not mine. But what’s mine?

I decided I won’t give up drawing at all, but I decided that there will be better if I don’t drawing for several month or even years. I hope that it’ll change something.

There is a lot of thing that I want to tell you, but will do it at another time ‘cause I should hurry to job (It is the one thing what I’ll tell about) and do my homework.

See you soon, darlings :)

[madreni]

54 Followers, 249 Following, 26 Posts - See Instagram photos and videos from Reni (@renimurd)

Hi! I miss you! I want to present you my weird instagram!

This is my own space where I will share my fantasies with you. 

Ok, this is TV-boy ( about TV-girl I’ve spoken) and he is deeply in love with TV-girl. So,..I don’t know... maybe I should say about his personality or something... Well, I can say he is absolutely hilarious, enthusiastic and all. This boy is really easy-going and friendly. As for interests, he loves dynamic and extreme sport, namely climbing, diving, race and all. So, TV-boy is crazy about traveling, sport and travelling :)

P.S. I want to remind you that I am learning English, so I can make some mistakes with grammar or something. I hope you understand me. And I will try to fix this ;)

Have a good day! 

Reni

[madreni]

What Kind Of Apocalyptic Zombie Will You Be?

It's just a matter of time.

[madreni]

Hello, my friends! I'm so glad to show my new artwork. During last several months, I was looking for a new style. And now, I think, I'm moving in right direction. I created two characters. One of them is Tv-girl. I've made some pictures and one video yet. So, soon I'm gonna show you :)

[madreni]

This is the picture for second competition I’ve said about. And it was the illustration for photos of famous Russian YouTube blogger. If you don’t know who is on the art above, her name is MariaWay. :)

Also, I wanted to say that I am going to change the style of my art. So, I’m prepearing something new ;) 

See you soon! Bye!

[madreni]

Hi! Recently I promised to tell you about my competitions. As I’ve said the topic was “How can I change the world for the better?” So, I came up with the device for better learning. One more condition was to write a text about this device. If you want, I’ll write this text in next posts. :)

[madreni]

Actually, I wanted to make the post one month ago, but during this month I couldn’t do it. And now I’m eventually doing it! 

So, I want to tell you about what has happened lately. Firstly, I have taken a part in a two competitions. I needed to draw two pictures. One of them was for Microsoft’s competition and plus I needed to type a text. Topic was “How can I change the world for the better?” Conditions of a second competition was to draw illustration of some photos for famous Russian blogger. I chose one photo and made illustration. Competition was during only three days, so I had to work quickly. Soon I will make post of this illustration and competition. 

But now you can see my own art of Sigmund Freud. If you want to know the truth, actually I don't like him and his works. :\ I have read his lecture about dreaming and stuff and also I have read other books about psychology. I found in these books many refutations of Freud’s teories. But this didn't prevent me to do this illustration.

See you in the next post! :)

[madreni]

My face when I don't know what to paint. I like this background and a combination of light-green and pink colors.