Maeve

Poems, thoughts, healing through words

[maevewanders]

Intro post

Just a deeply flawed individual trying to find my place in the universe and trying to be better than I was the day before.

Exploring my emotions, sense of self, and general journey through life with occasional prose.

Ill probably edit this eventually for an actual intro idk.

Coraline Maeve | Substack

Ramblings, Tarot, and everyday magic

[rockandrollforinitiative]

[maevewanders]

I think the reason why I really fucking don’t want to go to college for literally anything- even though its my literal only option to hopefully escaping poverty- is because I don’t think there is literally any job I could possibly have that I wouldn’t fucking hate.

I don’t even think I have a good way of figuring out what I might hate the least because there just aren’t resources in the usa for adults to do that.

I was raised into the idea of a dream job so hard- and all the advice I get even as an adult to try to find a job Id love is so… prevalent that trying to be okay with going into massive debt and spending 4-7 years on studying just to still not be anywhere close to happy is just devastating okay?

[maevewanders]

A thing can be “good” without being “right”

Forgiveness is not a virtue and Refusing forgiveness is not a sin

Even if either were true I am not a Christian

I will never forgive you, and I’m done carrying the shame of your crimes for you.

[maevewanders]

My parents will never love me or be proud of me- and that is a good thing.

If my parents ever start loving me, then I will have become a monster or a shell in order to “deserve” it.

[maevewanders]

When you destroyed me

I thought that i would never live again

I shrunk inside of myself

Too scared to breathe

Unable to leave the house for fear of seeing you again

Unable to leave my bed

But somehow i woke up

Then one day I escaped

I found my breath

You had taken the me from me

[maevewanders]

I have had to fight for everything that I have, and everything that I am.

I grieve the fact that I am still not finished.

My dreams are going to cost me my freedom.

My failures are adding up.

This cycle is endless.

Im running in circles.

[farewell-to-lorien]

Talking to Ghosts, by Sienna Gonzales.

[maevewanders]

I fear being alive, almost as much as I fear that I will never live

[maevewanders]

I want to be a writer

I want to drink tea in my loft apartment in new york by a windowsill covered in rain

With my cat, in my lap and my muse in my bed.

A book in my hand, something pretentiously academic.

A book published by me, but as a faceless ghost

A mark left by me without any cameras on my life

A quiet fame. A legacy without any consequences or drama.

A way to mark others who can relate.

And to save each other through the page.

Without ever meeting. And with my privacy intact.

I want to be a writer without a face.

But with the glory and the smugness of being one.

An artist, a professional, a creator, alive.

I want the world to know my name. Without ever knowing or having all of me.

[maevewanders]

Bravery feels like the hardest thing youve ever done

Done twice. Three times. Daily.

Bravery feels like fighting to breathe and doing it anyways.

Bravery in crossing the street or talking to strangers

Bravery in waking up every day.

Bravery in hating your life and living it anyways.

Because maybe

Someday

Things will change

[maevewanders]

Im not crying for the girl before

Im not grieving some secret version of myself that ive lost

There is no girl before the pain. I am the pain.

Im crying because ive never been anything else.

[maevewanders]

A good girl would have killed herself

A good girl would have stayed quiet

A good girl wouldn’t have complained

A good girl wouldn’t block her “friends”

Her “family”.

Ive never been to good at being good.

Ive never good at being a “girl” either.

Its okay to choose myself

If everyone thinks I’m a bitch, I may as well be one anyways.

[maevewanders]

Why do i assume the worst of people

I assume that what i have been shown

Is all i will ever see

Everyone who I have ever loved has used me, made me a commodity.

[maevewanders]

I keep letting men destroy me

I want a safe place

Someone to hide in

A dark hole to crawl in where there is no cold and no pain

Instead I find more cold, more pain, and poison that tastes like honey until it doesn’t.

If you choose to be a damsel you will never be anything else. Damsels are not saved in this world they are used, drained dry, reduced into nothing but ashes.

If you wish to survive you must be your own knight.

[maevewanders]

Im not in love with him

Im not in love with the idea of him

Im in love with the idea of love

The idea that there is something to make me whole

That someone or something can complete me and fix this crushing existence

That there is something out there that will fix me and

That something out there is better than this

And that its waiting for me to take it

Im in love with the idea of being saved.

I want to be a damsel, a princess. I want to be important.

And i want the universe to stop. When someone looks at me.

Someone that wants nothing more than to keep me safe and take care of me. The ultimate fantasy.

I wonder.

When i will become strong enough.

To stop wishing.

And to save myself.

I wonder when the idea that i can

Will become enough for me.

I wonder what use a man could possibly have for me if i can do it myself.

Or if theres any other love worth wanting.

[maevewanders]

A memorial for all of the names I have had

Coraline Maeve Wuttke

A memorial to the dead and all my dreams

Emily, Madison

A memorial for my family, who never wanted me anyways

Rosemary, Mary Jane, BlueJay, Bloody Rose, Rosaline, Jasmine

A memorial for a little girl who felt wrong in her body

Jayden, Nemesis

Grief for a little boy who wasn’t a boy who was a boy who wasn’t-

Corazón

I thought if I named myself Heart then maybe the right people would see mine as I so clearly and brazenly keep it on my sleeve, but all it does is attract those who break hearts for sport and kill dreams for pleasure. And in finding my name and laying my child self down to rest- I fear all I have done is shown the world how to hurt me best. I have grieved my own heart every day of my life, and I will continue to grieve it until the day that I die.